Jate angst and sadness. Tissue warning.
It wasn't my fault. It just wasn't. I tried to convince myself but I couldn't. The facts remained. If I hadn't have stormed off, all angry, into the jungle, they would never have captured us again. And they wouldn't be pointing guns at Jack and me now. He's incredible. He's smiling at me, as if trying to convince me that I'm going to be ok. But I'm not falling for it. When they press the gun into your temple, so hard that it gives you a headache, you know that they intend to kill you. I don't mind. I can accept dying. But I can't accept the gun that they have at Jack's head. Jack, who saved one of their own. Jack, who never did anything wrong in his life, is now, because of me, about to die.
That's the one thing I can't bear. I can't understand the feeling of guilt that is overriding me now. I commited crimes before, but none of them ever came back to haunt me. Only this was playing on my conscience.
They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I think mine is flashing before my eyes. I think that already I am beginning to see what I should have done differently. I wish I wasn't gagged. The first thing I would do was tell Jack I feel nothing for Sawyer. I would try to explain my reasons to him, and offer him an apology. I know it could never mend his broken heart, but at least I could be at peace.
I can't see myself at peace. I haven't been peaceful since I was a small child. Even on the island, my pulse has always been racing with fear, or pain or desire. And now guilt. Guilt hits you in waves, waves of pain that you can't hold back. I can't forgive myself for leading Jack here. And it makes it worse that in his eyes, he doesn't blame me.
I want to break my hands free from the handcuffs and reach out, and wrap my arms around him. I want to hold him to me and tell him that I'm not sorry I kissed him, and that I love him. I want that more than anything. But I've run out of time. They are saying something now, and it's to Jack. I don't need to hear their words to know that they are telling him they are going to kill me. I keep my eyes within his. I need to be looking into those fathomless hazel eyes when the light goes out behind mine. I need him to be the last thing I see.
They've moved the gun from my temple, and they're placing it on my forehead now. I can feel the barrel of the gun making an indent in my skin. I know that it will take a direct passage through my brain, and I will be dead instantly. I won't feel anything. That isn't any comfort. I want to feel. I want to feel pain, to make myself pay for what I have done to Jack.
Lord, I hope there is no such thing as hell. Because that's where I'm going if there is. I hope that hell is no more than a figment of my imagination. I hope there's no heaven, either, because every person I've ever loved will go there, and leave me alone wherever the bad souls go. I hope there's just one place. I hope it's a place of second chances.
I hear the click magnified a thousand times as they remove the safety catch from the gun. I don't want to die. I want one more moment. I want one more day. That's all I ask...
One more day.
One more chance to tell him how I feel.
I can't go to the grave letting him think I love Sawyer.
I can't let him die with a broken heart.
Just give me one last moment...
They rip the gag off. I look into Jack's eyes and the words I want to say fade. He isn't letting his eyes leave mine, he seems to be punishing himself too. I open my mouth. The man with the gun caresses the trigger and begins to push.
"I lo"
My words die on my tongue.