Don't worry, another installment of Life Is A Journey is coming soon. But I've had all these other stories bubbling in my brain and not letting them out was creating writer's block. So I'm opening the gate, so to speak. Nothing really new in this one, just another take on what we all would love to see happen;-) Maybe if we keep it up, JF will get the hint? I know it is a long shot, but we mustn't give up hope. In the meantime, Sail On!
In this time, in this place, in this moment, Edith Crawley regretted it. No because there was the baby, but because there was the realization that the baby had been fathered by the wrong man.
She had bumped into the right man quite literally at the museum. She had been staring at a painting done in the style of the Impressionists, although she didn't recognize the name of the artist. It was of a woman, leaning against a pillar holding a flower, lost in thought. There was the hint of a smile on her lips as if she was thinking of something pleasant…or perhaps someone. In the background a path lead away from the structure and if one looked very closely one could see a man walking towards her. His features were not distinct but he appeared to be fair. The woman, Edith realized, reminded her of herself. And the man….
"Anthony," she exclaimed as she recognized the man she bumped into as she turned.
Striking blue eyes gazed down at her, shocked and befuddled. "Lady Ed… Edith…" he stammered.
His formality hurt her. With a sigh, however, she collected her emotions, reminding herself that he had no right to be casual. He had broken her heart, after all. "What are you doing here?" she asked awkwardly, searching for someway out of the turmoil into which she had been thrust.
"Oh…I er…. Um….." he stammered. Then taking a deep breath, he blinked and tried again. "I'm just back from the Continent and only in London for a few days. My appointment with my solicitor took less time than I had thought it might, so I stopped in here before returning to my sister's house." He looked mortified, his neck showing a red tinge and his eyes refusing to meet hers.
"Oh…you've been travelling then?"
"Yes well, after… after that day I thought it best that I leave for awhile."
"You've been travelling all this time?" she asked, surprised.
"Most of it. I have returned …home…for short periods to tend to the estate." He was clearly nervous. His natural shyness returned as he attempted to look at her but then glanced away.
"Oh. I wondered why we'd heard nothing of you…around the village and such."
"Yes well, quite right. Noting to tell if…if I wasn't around." He was looking at her worriedly. "Are you alright?"
"Me?" She replied. "Yes, of course. Just caught unawares is all," she insisted.
"If you'll allow me to say, you look lovely Lady Edith."
His gaze had changed from shy to intense, as if he were drinking in the sight of her, every detail. "Thank you," she said hesitantly.
"You're well, then? I've read some of your articles in the paper. You're making quite a name for yourself," he said smiling, pride rising in his eyes.
Edith stared up at him dumbly. Pride? What right did he have to be proud of her? Did he think jilting her at the altar had somehow led to her…but of course it did. Suddenly as she looked into his face, seeing lines that hadn't been there before, shadows under his eyes that hinted at sleepless nights, and the worry that was now growing in his expression, she felt tears well up in her eyes. "Oh Anthony…"
Her desperation ran through him like a bolt of lightening. "Edith?" he whispered.
She fell into him, resting her head against his chest, seeking the comfort that his presence had once given her. Anthony, too stunned to speak, glanced around at the people shooting surreptitious glances their way. He had no idea what had upset Edith so, other than seeing him again; but he knew he needed to get her out of here quickly, away from curious eyes.
Gently he ushered her through the doors and walked her to a nearby park. Finding a bench he settled her on it before sitting next to her. "Edith, what is the matter? How can I help you?"
Edith looked up at him, tears streaming from her eyes. "Can you turn back the clock, go back to that day and…go through with it? Can you do that, Anthony? Because it is the only thing that I believe could possibly help now."
Anthony frowned. "Edith, I'd hoped you understood. If we had gone through with it, well…it would have been a terrible mistake…for you…very unfair."
"Why? You seem healthy enough. I don't see a nurse tending to your needs; you aren't drooling in a cup."
Feeling even more awkward, his heart breaking although he wasn't sure if it was for her or himself, he attempted a smile. "No, no cups yet. But you deserve someone young and vivacious and…"
"What if I were to say I've been with someone younger and very vivacious? What if I were to tell you that for a time I'd even convinced myself I loved him? What if I said he wanted to marry me?"
Anthony ducked his head as he digested her news. Swallowing to chase back his heartbreak, he looked up again. "I'd say that I am very glad that you have found the happiness you deserve," he replied stiffly.
"No I haven't," she shot back.
His eyebrows lifted and then he flinched as if she'd slapped him. "You…you aren't happy?"
She began to cry again. "No, I am not. He said he loved me, but you see…he was married. So he went to Germany to obtain a divorce and then disappeared. I have no idea if he is still alive or if he is dead. Was that his way of getting rid of me or has something really happened to him? At first, I was very upset but after a while, I just wanted to know what had happened so I could plan. And now…I find I really don't care except…" She began to sob.
Unsure of how he should proceed, Anthony merely sat there for a moment. But as her sobs grew in intensity, he felt he should offer some comfort, so gingerly he wrapped his left arm around her and held her to him. It was what she needed. Burrowing into his grasp, her head on his chest once again, she continued to cry but not in the heart wrenching manner of just a moment ago. Her hand took hold of his shirt placket in desperation as a realization washed over her. This was where she belonged. The whole thing with Michael paled in comparison to how she felt now, in Anthony's embrace.
"Where are you staying?" he asked as her tears once again subsided. "Are you at Grantham House?"
"No, no…I'm staying with my Aunt Rosamund. I stay with her whenever I am in London."
"I'll find you a cab," he said as he started to stand.
"No, please Anthony…not yet. I…" she looked around, feeling quite lost. "She is out all day and I can't bear to be in the house alone, not now anyway."
"No, I suppose not…" he replied uncertainly. "Er… suppose I accompany you then? Just until your aunt returns." It would be awkward at best, Anthony thought. But he couldn't bear to see her so upset. Surely he could withstand the discomfort if it helped her in some way.
Edith looked around, up and down the road. "Is there a tea room nearby? Do you think we might…go for tea?"
Perplexed, Anthony glanced around as well. "Yes, I believe I remember one just around the block… if that is your wish."
"It is; it really is…" she said, her words taking them both back to a different time, a special time three years before. But when they arrived there, it seemed crowded and she changed her mind. She wanted Anthony to herself for awhile, she decided.
They were quiet as they rode in the cab to her aunt's house. Anthony was nervous, not necessarily about the prospect of meeting more of the Crawley clan, but certainly about the feelings that were running rampant within him as result of this nearness with Edith. She was lovelier than ever, he thought as he sat next to her feeling like he had spent the last three years locked away and she had suddenly thrown open the door to his cell. Holding her for those few minutes at the park had been painful in a glorious sort of way. Without even thinking it really, he knew he still loved her and would do anything to ensure her happiness.
Edith couldn't quite grasp that he was here with her, so near she could touch him. She could feel his eyes on her, the quiet energy of him next to her and she relished it. He was making her feel alive again.
They settled in Rosamaund Painswick's drawing room, Edith at one end of the settee and Anthony at the other. Tea was brought into the room and Edith busied herself with serving duties. Anthony could only sit and watch in awe, trying desperately to remind himself to keep a distance.
They made small talk over tea, Edith catching him up on the news of the county and Anthony sharing some of his experiences from his recent travels. But neither was truly absorbing what the other was saying; both were too busy absorbing the sensations of the moment.
Once the tea was drunk they set their cups back on the tray. They had run out of conversation or perhaps each was too involved in merely gazing at the other to manage to construct any. So they sat quietly for a few minutes, until Edith began to tremble from the weight of it.
"Perhaps I should go," Anthony suggested hesitantly.
"No!" she blurted before even thinking. "I don't want you to…I… I've missed you…so very much."
He flashed one of his quirky little lopsided smiles but it didn't reach his eyes. In fact, as she peered into them, she realized he was in agony. "I'm sorry, Anthony."
"Whatever for?" he wanted to know. "You've done nothing wrong and the afternoon has been most pleasant. It's just that I…I've caused you too much pain already…in the past. And I don't want to…to do that again."
"I think perhaps you've suffered as much as I?" she said softly.
Again, his mouth worked into a lopsided but very sad smile. "Perhaps more, Lady Edith. When I…left, I freed you of an impending albatross giving hope for a happy life before you but I lost all hope."
She fidgeted as she considered how she could best respond. "My hopes and dreams were shattered," she finally said meekly. "I struggled to find … some way to fit into the world, to move on. My writing helped; it gave me purpose. For so many years I had dreamed of being your wife, of that being my purpose. It took me a long time to forgive you for taking that away from me. But I did."
Too overwhelmed with his own emotions to speak, Anthony merely nodded as he looked at the floor, suddenly finding the pattern in the rug fascinating. Finally with a deep sigh, he stood. "I thank you for that… for your forgiveness. I have yet to forgive myself for not being stronger and letting things get to that place, for putting you in that position. And I really think I should leave now, if you are alright."
Edith stood, nodding her acceptance. She walked with him to the door to the room, fully intending to say good-bye there; not that she wanted to. But he had made it clear that there was no going back. She stopped at the door and looked up at him, wanting him to stay and knowing he wouldn't.
Anthony saw the expression in her eyes; the fear, the despair, and faint hope. She looked fragile as she peered up at him and he knew that once again he was lost. His mind wouldn't work, couldn't seem to pull itself out of the pull of her eyes, so his heart took over. Without thought or hesitation, he kissed her. It wasn't the chaste kisses of their courtship, not at all; this was the firm, sensuous kiss of a lover and it left them both reeling and unsteady.
"I'm …sorry," he flustered but as he turned to make his final retreat, she reached for him and held his arm. "No," she commanded. "Don't leave me…not again. I want you, Anthony; I want what you've just shown me. I've tried it your way and I've been miserable. Now we do it my way, the way it should have been all along."
"But…nothing has changed," he declared. "I'm still too old and there is still my arm," he said as he swept his left hand over his injured arm in a mannerism that was all too familiar.
"I have changed," she replied. "I have done some growing up. I'm not the naive young girl you courted before the war and I'm not the foolish girl who was desperately afraid of getting left behind that you knew three years ago. My eyes are wide open. I know that in time, I will be left alone…you'll die and I will be alone. And I understand that in time, our roles will change and I'll become your caretaker more than your wife. But I want…no, I need the time between then and now. I need you, Anthony. And I'll happily, greedily accept whatever you have left to give."
"Edith, I can't …I can't do that to you."
"Then you condemn me to a lifetime of misery, Anthony. There are things I haven't told you, things that will no doubt shock you, things that have left me with no hope of any happiness in life. But seeing you today… I felt hope and for a few moments, I think I may have even felt happy. I want to feel happy. Please Anthony; please don't take that from me again."
Anthony looked into her troubled face and was perplexed. What could she possibly have to tell that would shock him? She was Edith, his dearest darling; it wasn't in her capabilities to be shocking. "Sweet one, no doubt you believe you have done something quite shocking, but I refuse to believe that you could have done…"
She cut him off. "It wouldn't shock you to learn I have a child, even though I've never married?" Panic raged through her as she blurted out her secret; surely, he would be disgusted by her now.
Anthony's mouth hung open momentarily as the weight of her confession settled into his brain. "You…you have a child?" He struggled to wrap his mind around the information even as he saw her crumble.
"Yes, I do," she replied meekly. "The man I told you about…we…well, you know…"
Anthony blinked as tightness gripped his chest, squeezing his heart until he thought there might be nothing left of it. "Yes, you loved him…you were to be married." He numbly wondered if he sounded as inane to her as he did to himself.
"He is…was already married, Anthony. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him but in the end, I had an affair with a married man and bore his bastard child." She felt so stupid and so deeply angry and hurt, mostly with herself.
Anthony's posture straightened and he flinched as if she'd slapped him. He blinked and then swallowed, trying desperately to take it all in and make his mind work. "Edith…." He just managed to whisper hoarsely before his mouth closed, unable to form words.
"It's alright Anthony; you can go," she said wearily.
He could see how she was hurting, how his ineptitude was making it worse. And though he wanted desperately to say something, anything helpful, he simply couldn't think straight. Finally some sense returned and he spoke softly. "I don't want to go…to leave you like this. It's just, I'm afraid you have given me so very much to take in and I'm can't seem to think. Please, just give me a moment."
"So you see, I have shocked you," she sighed.
He closed his eyes to gather himself, make sense of it all. Finally, he shook his head as if to shake away the fog that seemed to have invaded his brain. "You said you love him?"
"I thought I did. He was very…persistent. I've never had a man who…who was persistent with me before. When I first discovered that he was married, I was so upset and…and I confronted him. He admitted it to me though and said his wife is in an asylum. He couldn't obtain a divorce here, so he was going to Germany to become a citizen and get one there. But then he disappeared."
"But in the beginning you…"
"I tried to keep him at arms length but then he followed us to Scotland…to meet my family, he said. That's when I began seeing him. But even then, I didn't… we didn't… not until he was leaving for Germany last year."
"So, he doesn't know…about the child?"
"No, he doesn't. I haven't heard from him since he arrived in Germany. And honestly if he were to suddenly appear now, I don't know that I would want him. But of course, if it meant I could have the baby with me…"
Anthony frowned. "Where is the child?"
"At first I left her in Switzerland; Aunt Rosamund went there with me for the birth and I left it in the care of a family there. I didn't want to but everyone said I should. But after I came back… I couldn't stop thinking about her; I just couldn't move on. SO I brought her here. She is living with one of Papa's tenant farmers and his family."
"Everyone?" He looked puzzled.
"My aunt, Granny, the doctor there…everyone."
"What about your parents?" He asked as worry folded into his brow.
"They don't know and I don't want them to; they are already so disappointed in me," she sighed. "I live in fear of my secret being discovered. Granny knows about the baby but not that it is at Downton…well, at least on the estate. And if Mary ever found out…"
Anthony sighed and looked away, thinking. The expression on his face underwent several changes as if there was a debate raging within. Then after a few moments, he looked back at her determinedly. "You're sure you are done with the baby's father?"
"I am," she answered, "especially after seeing you today. My feelings for him were only a shadow of what I've always felt for you," she confessed.
His head lifted as an awkward smile shot over his face, his expression more one of deflection than acceptance. "That's very kind of you to say, especially after the way I ended our engagement," he murmured. Then staring at her intently, he seemed to come to a decision. "If you are truly done with him, then I believe I might have a solution."
She looked at him hopefully, excitement rising in her chest. "You do?"
"Yes, well…if it is agreeable. I mean, after the way I treated you…I can understand why you might consider it a good resolution."
"Yes," she replied firmly.
"Yes?" He looked confused.
"Yes, I will marry you. And then we can go claim my baby?"
Anthony seemed shocked by her response. "You knew that was what I would ask?"
"I did. I know you so very well, Anthony. You still love me and you want me to be happy and you'll do anything you can to ensure that I am. So you are asking me to marry you so I can claim my baby. You are doing it because you believe having my baby with me will make me happy, and it will. But you must understand, Anthony, I am saying yes to your proposal because I love you; I've never stopped loving you."
"I don't understand how," he whispered, his eyes wide with emotion.
"Because you are a man worth loving; a man who deserves love. Because you set a very high standard for me to compare others to and in they all fail, even if I didn't realize it right away. Because through it all, you have loved me and have proven it by always…always putting me first, even when it broke your heart to do so."
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his face relaxing and taking on the glow of serenity. "Yes, I do love you," he said softly, "more than I have a right to do." Opening his eyes, he smiled at her. "So, as soon as possible then?"
"We could be in Gretna by tonight," she suggested.
"No…ah….we'll go tomorrow," he said, suddenly energetic. "There are things I must attend to before leaving. And you'll need to compose a letter to your family as well. And of course, you'll need to tell your aunt; you can't just disappear."
"You won't run away again, will you? I don't think I could bear it if you did."
"No, no my sweet; my running days are over. We'll go to Gretna tomorrow and by tomorrow evening we'll be married. We'll claim the child the very next day and as soon as I can book seats we'll go to the continent to let talk die down. What …er…. I mean, is it a girl or a boy?"
Edith smiled happily. "She's a girl; her name is Alice."
"We'll spend some time on the continent getting reacquainted, the three of us, give everyone time to get past the anger that is sure to follow our surprise marriage. Then we'll return to Locksley where we'll make a happy home for our little Alice."
Edith looked up at him with adoring eyes. "Yes, a home for the three of us, and perhaps in time, some little brothers and sisters for Alice."
Anthony looked at her askance. "Perhaps," he answered warily.
Time and place matter, Lady Edith Strallan reflected many years later as she sat in the library at Locksley. Her children and their spouses and their children were gathered around her for Christmas. It was to be her last Christmas, she knew. But as she looked around the room at her three daughters and two sons and their four sons and three daughters plus the new one on the way, she decided it was the moments that mattered the most. Moments like this one which was made possible by a moment so long ago, a chance meeting between two lost souls. Singular moments were often really part of the flow of life, she mused. And then there were all the "what ifs…"
She looked across at her Alice, a confident woman with a writing career of her own. She looked like Aunt Rosamund, Edith thought as she quietly thanked the heavens for that. Had she taken on more of Michael's appearance it might have raised questions. Edith remembered the day she and Anthony claimed her from the family that had taken her in. The family had been saddened by the turn of events but in no way did that diminish her own joy. And the way Anthony had taken to the child had gladdened her heart even more.
Anthony, her dear sweet Anthony…. He had been rather shocked by her behavior, he later admitted. He'd also quickly followed with a declaration that it didn't make him love her any less. He was a natural at parenting as it turned out, patient and kind, always forgiving the children their little mistakes. They all adored him, all five of them. She could still close her eyes and recall the sight of him moving around Locksley with the little brood in various sizes following behind, earning him a moniker, The Pied Piper of Locksley. They never tired of his company, relishing his stories and as they got older, his advice. Sadly he only lived long enough to see his first grandchild. Young Phillip Anthony Strallan, was the first son of their oldest boy, Robert and consequently would eventually inherit the title. Phillip was a strapping boy of thirteen now and the image of his grandfather, much to Edith's delight.
Anthony had died just before Phillip's first birthday. It still hurt Edith to think of him as gone; it was as if a light had been extinguished in all of their lives. But she supposed living to be ninety and surviving two world wars was nothing to be sad about. And if she knew her Anthony, he had been busy in the afterlife preparing a place for her beside him.
She sighed deeply. Why was it that she always seemed to get the short end of the stick? All of her family lived well into their eighties, well of course with the exception of her baby sister Sybil who died so unexpectedly. Mary was still alive and abrasive as ever. But Edith knew she wouldn't live to see her eightieth birthday. Cancer was such an ugly word, she thought. The only plus was that she would be reunited with her darling Anthony. But for now, in this time and in this place…in this moment, Edith Crawley Strallan was content. After all, once upon a time she had been rescued by a dashing knight who made all her dreams come true.