The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is gone out for some decent gossip. Just some musings from my tiny little brain. Letting my demented mind run wild for a bit. God I love a good scandal and fight. Or even a pathetic one.
Fodder For The Gossip Mill
"Thanks for coming with me to visit Archer, Ray," Lana sighed as she left Archer's hospital room.
"Hey don't worry about it," Ray was with her. "I wanted to see for myself how he's doing. I can't believe it. I haven't heard him be this quiet this long since those three days his jaws were wired shut."
"How did that happen again?" Lana asked.
"Oh there was a brawl he had with a stripper and her fiancé and some goons," Ray explained. "And the stripper hit him on the back of the head."
"Oh right," Lana realized. "The Cinnamon incident."
"And Krieger convinced Archer he needed his jaw wired to save his teeth or something," Ray went on. "But it was really his mother that told Krieger to tell him that because she didn't want her son telling one of her society friends something. Thought he'd embarrass her."
"I remember now," Lana sighed. "That backfired when he slept with her society friend. And that thing with the pliers at the restaurant. Where Archer used them for more than taking off his braces."
"Still funny though," Ray smirked at the memory.
Just then a familiar looking doctor that resembled Jermaine Clement walked over. "Hello Lana. How are you doing today?"
"I'm fine Doctor Denton," Lana sighed. "Oh, this is my friend Ray Gillette. He drove me in today and came to see Archer."
"No change I take it from this morning?" Dr. Denton asked.
"Or any other morning for the past few months," Lana admitted.
"Well if it is any consolation I am amazed your boyfriend has survived as long as he did," Dr. Denton told her. "He's made medical history around here."
"And not just because of the venereal diseases I take it?" Ray quipped.
"All I know is that I had someone as lovely as Ms. Kane to come back to," Dr. Denton sighed. "I would fight like hell to return."
"Oh brother what a line," Ray muttered under his breath. Neither Lana nor Dr. Denton noticed what he said.
"Seriously how are you holding up?" Dr. Denton asked.
"As well as can be expected," Lana sighed. "It really means a lot to me for everything you've done."
"I haven't done that much, I'm afraid," Dr. Denton sighed.
"Oh, but you have," Lana said. "You saved Archer's life. I'm really grateful for that. Very grateful."
"Well if you do feel the need to talk you can always call my number," Dr. Denton said. "For uh, counseling. Yes, that's it. I just happen to have some credentials in grief counseling. With coma patients."
"I'll bet," Ray said to himself.
"Well it's good to know a doctor like you is at this hospital," Lana said almost breathlessly. Ray rolled his eyes again in disbelief.
"If you do need me, I'm…around," Dr. Denton blushed. "Uh excuse me. Got to see another patient."
"Of course, Doctor," Lana smiled. "Thanks again."
"You're welcome," Dr. Denton smiled as he left.
"Oh Doctor," Ray mocked breathlessly. "I'm so glad you're here."
"Ray…" Lana gave him a look.
"What was that?" Ray asked.
"What was what?" Lana asked.
"That!" Ray pointed. "You were flirting with him."
"No, I wasn't!" Lana snapped.
"Yeah, you kind of were," Ray said.
"Well maybe just a little," Lana admitted.
"Lana…"
"Ray!" Lana barked. "I haven't had sex since before the Deadly Velvet incident okay? Quite a bit before that actually. And honestly…I don't know where I stand with Archer or how long I can wait for him. It's not like I haven't tried it's just…It's nice to have some attention on me for a little bit. Okay?"
"Look I'm not saying you did anything wrong," Ray told her. "I'm just saying to be careful."
"I'm not at the point where I need a condom," Lana gave him a look. "What? All of the sudden you feel loyal to Archer or something?"
"No, I just don't want you to jump at the first guy to flash you a smile," Ray said. "We all know you can get a little desperate."
"I never get desperate."
"Cyril?" Ray raised an eyebrow. "The second time you two were together?"
"That was an extended circumstance," Lana grumbled. "I hadn't had sex in almost two years after we broke up!"
"You mean an extended dick circumstance," Ray quipped.
"I'm not going to become a nun just because…" Lana was flustered. "And I'm certainly not going to just run around and do every guy I see."
"Well that's just a relief," Ray said. "Especially since you see Cyril and Krieger on a daily basis as well as myself."
"Bitch."
"Right back at you," Ray smirked as they left the hospital. "Come on. Let's go to this restaurant Cheryl is so anxious for us to go to."
"Why do you think Cheryl wants all of us to go to dinner?" Lana frowned. "Last time we all went out to eat it didn't end well."
"Especially for Ms. Archer," Ray said. "I think she secretly wants her to get thrown in jail again or something. But it is her restaurant after all. And she's willing to buy us dinner. Whatever we want with an unlimited bar tab for the night."
"And that doesn't raise any red flags for you at all?"
"It raises an entire bunting of 'em," Ray admitted. "But it's free food at a halfway decent restaurant. And more importantly, free drinks."
"So basically, you're willing to get into trouble for free drinks?" Lana asked.
"Why not?" Ray asked. "That's basically been our entire career path from day one."
Soon they were at a charming little restaurant in LA. It was called Happenings. Lana and Ray commented as they were led to a private room in the back.
"This seems like a nice place," Ray admitted. "California casual. Not too pretentious but everything looks fancy. You gotta admit, Cheryl has good taste."
"You mean her company has good taste," Lana said. "I wonder who really runs her company?"
"It's definitely not her brother or Tiffy," Ray thought aloud. "And since Cheryl spends all her time slumming it with us, she can't be spending that much time in the boardroom."
"Especially since she's always scheming to get into someone's bedroom," Lana quipped.
"Lana that was mean," Ray told her. "Good for you."
"Thank you," Lana smirked.
Soon they were in a nice dining room. Cyril, Cheryl, Pam and Krieger were already there drinking and eating some nice bread and a few tapas on the table. "Hey you made it!" Pam cheered. "Told you knuckleheads Ms. Archer would be last! Pay up!"
"Damn it," Cyril grumbled as he put a five-dollar bill on the table. "I was sure traffic would be bad today!"
"This is LA," Krieger put his money on the table. "It's always bad."
"So to pass the time you bet on who would arrive last?" Lana asked as she and Ray sat down.
"To be fair we've only been here for ten minutes," Krieger shrugged. "The rest of us came together so that was no contest. But Cheryl and Cyril insisted that you would be last and Ms. Archer would get here before you did. I thought that way too."
"Because of the stupid traffic," Cheryl added giving her money to Pam.
"Please," Pam collected her winnings. "Traffic can't compare to Ms. Archer's bitchiness. Free drinks or not, she has to arrive fashionably late. Mostly because A, she can't stand us. And B, she probably got into a fight with Ron."
"She doesn't always get into a fight with Ron," Cyril told her.
"Where the hell have you been these past few years?" Pam gave him a look. "She and Ron go at it like Lana and Archer. Only you know? They ain't fighting for the sex."
"Speaking of which how is Archer?" Krieger spoke up.
"Same old," Lana poured herself a drink from a red wine bottle on the table. "No change."
"Lame!" Cheryl pouted. "God this coma storyline is not that much fun on the other side!"
"Again," Pam sighed. "Cheryl our lives are not a TV show!"
"Well not with this lame storyline," Cheryl grumbled as she took a drink.
"Oh for Christ's sake Ron!" Mallory's voice was heard. "Give it a rest!"
"Believe me Mallory," Ron was heard. "I wish I could! I wish I could get a rest from this dysfunctional disaster that's our marriage!"
"Called it," Pam snorted before she took a drink.
"Sure! Leave me in my time of need!" Mallory snapped as they entered the dining room. "Abandon me while my only son is in a coma!"
"You realize that's the only reason I haven't left you by now, right?" Ron snapped.
"Oh please," Mallory waved. "You'd be bored senseless without me."
"Honestly, I could use a little boredom in my life," Ron gave her a look. "If my life gets any more exciting I won't have that much of it left!"
"Hey Ron," Lana sighed. "Have a glass of wine."
"Don't mind if I do," Ron said as he sat down and got a glass.
"Oh no," Mallory drawled as she sat down. "Don't bother pulling out my chair. God forbid you act like a gentleman."
"You haven't acted like a lady in years," Ron snapped.
"And you're just going to drink?" Mallory sniffed.
"I seem to have caught your alcoholism Typhoid Mallory!" Ron snapped.
"Oh this is going to be a lovely dinner," Ray rolled his eyes before taking a drink.
"All right Carol," Mallory glared at Cheryl. "What the hell is this all about? What scheme do you have rattling around that empty head of yours this time?"
"What makes you think I'm scheming?" Cheryl asked. "That's more like your department."
"She's not wrong," Ron grumbled.
Mallory glared at Ron before returning her gaze to Cheryl. "Because the last time you offered to pay for my meal it was an ambush!"
"Re-laaax," Cheryl waved. "This is a totally private room and I didn't call up any of your stupid old dinosaur friends to come. Swearsies-Realsies."
"That means nothing to me," Mallory sniffed.
"I told you," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "My company bought this restaurant for a stupid quarter of a million and I want to make sure it's worth keeping. If not, I'll sell it for a profit. But I need somebody to tell me the food is actually good. And since you guys don't pull any punches…"
"Both literally and figuratively," Krieger quipped.
"I figured you guys would tell me the truth," Cheryl shrugged.
"So, this is technically a case?" Cyril's ears perked up.
"More like a case of attempted poisoning," Mallory grumbled.
"Yes Cyril," Cheryl sighed. "It's a case and if all goes well not only do you all get a free night out, I'll totally pay everybody here a hundred bucks."
"And we get hours on our private dick licenses, right?" Pam spoke up.
"I don't know if eating at a restaurant qualifies as detective work Pam," Cyril frowned.
"Uh we're detecting if the food is good!" Pam gave him a look. "And detecting if they serve good wine!"
"Sounds like detective work to me," Ray agreed.
"Big surprise Galloping Gor-Gay!" Mallory snapped. "But as much as I hate to admit it, Pam does have a point."
"So what?" Lana asked. "We're food critics now?"
"Work is work," Ray pointed out.
"Fine!" Cyril groaned. "Everyone gets one hour towards their license! No more! No less! Happy?"
"I'm very happy," Pam grinned.
"Of course, you're happy," Mallory groaned. "This is practically your dream job."
"Technically my dream job is being a CEO of a chain of strip clubs," Pam spoke up. "But yeah this comes close. Ooh! Waffle bars! My strip club chain will have a buffet with a waffle bar!"
"How enterprising," Mallory groaned. "The ghost of Ray Kroc must be seething with jealousy."
"Since when do you turn up your nose at free drinks and free food?" Ron snapped.
"I am not in the mood for this," Mallory glared at him. "But I am here to support Carol."
"You mean support yourself," Ron snapped.
"Well I have to do something to get me out of that messy house!" Mallory gave him a look. "By which I mean the mess you made!"
"I'm the only one that cleans the damn house!" Ron snapped.
"Well you do a lousy job of it!" Mallory glared at him. "There are streaks all over the windows!"
"If you don't like how I clean I suggest you do it!" Ron snapped.
"You knew I didn't do windows when you married me!" Mallory looked at him.
"Yeah, the one thing you don't do," Ron grumbled.
"Don't start Ron," Mallory glared.
"And they're off," Ray quipped as he took another drink.
"When do we look at the menus?" Cyril asked trying to change the direction of the conversation.
"You don't. They're going to send us a little bit of everything on the meal," Cheryl said. "So we get to taste and rate everything."
"Eating all the food at a restaurant," Mallory grumbled. "Once again, Pam's dream job."
"Coming from someone who has sampled quite a bit in her life…" Ron looked at Mallory.
"Ron just drop it!" Mallory snapped.
"Only until we get home," Ron gave her a look as the appetizers came out.
Soon they were digging in. Pam especially eating with gusto. "I tell ya, Cheryl. You got some good eats here. These crab rangoons are delicious!"
"Wunderbar!" Krieger agreed.
"If the main courses are as good as these appetizers," Cyril remarked. "I think you have a real moneymaking operation on your hands."
"And the rich get richer," Mallory grumbled as she nibbled on some bruschetta. "What a shock."
"I can't wait to check out the desserts!" Pam grinned.
"I'm going to check out the ladies' room," Lana got up.
"Is that all you're going to check out?" Ray smirked.
"Yes!" Lana said defensively before she left.
Pam caught the exchange. "Okay what was that all about?"
"What was what all about?" Ray asked innocently.
"Don't play coy, Roy," Pam told him.
"It's Ray," Cheryl spoke up. "His name is Ray. But he's got that look on his face he has whenever he and Lana conspire on something."
"I do not!" Ray snapped.
"You do so," Pam said. "Spill it. It's not like you won't later on! Might as well get it over with!"
"There's nothing to tell," Ray said.
"I'll give you a free bottle of wine," Cheryl spoke up.
"Lana was flirting with one of the doctors at the hospital," Ray told them. "And he was flirting back."
"WHAT?" Cyril gasped.
"Oooh!" Krieger perked up. "Dirt!"
"Lame," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Still worth a bottle of wine."
"Oh for the love of…" Ron groaned.
"Way to go Lana!" Pam whooped. "Good for her!"
"Which one?" Mallory asked. "Because if it's that young-looking blonde with the crew cut she's wasting her time. He's a nurse. And I suspect more your type Ms. Gillette."
"No, he's definitely straight," Ray waved. "Both of them I mean. It was Dr. Denton Lana was flirting with."
"That batty little foreign nutcase?" Mallory asked. "Who I suspect botched up Sterling's surgery somehow?"
"That's the one," Ray said. "And what do you mean botched up Archer's surgery?"
"It was just a feeling I got," Mallory waved.
"How could he have botched up Archer's surgery?" Pam asked. "He got those bullets out of his body and saved his life! Explain how he could have made things worse?"
FLASHBACK!
"Oh dear," Dr. Denton looked as his phone rang in Archer's body after he had closed the sutures. "Definitely should not have been texting while operating. And I definitely should have cleaned my phone after having that burrito for lunch."
FLASHFORWARD!
"It's just a feeling I have all right?" Mallory snapped.
"Well I suspect Lana had some kind of feeling for Dr. Denton," Ray remarked. "And he had a feeling for her."
"Hang on," Mallory said. "How did you know that?"
"I was standing right there when they were talking," Ray told her. "Well flirting."
"No, I mean how do you know the blonde male nurse is straight?" Mallory asked.
"That's what you're concerned about in this situation?" Cyril was stunned.
"He was making googly eyes at that blonde receptionist all the time we were there," Ray explained.
"Dr. Denton?" Cheryl asked.
"No, the male nurse!" Ray snapped.
"That's strange," Mallory frowned. "He had no interest in me."
"You're not a blonde with a big rack!" Pam snapped.
"No, I meant Dr. Denton," Mallory said. "But that too."
"Am I invisible or something?" Ron snapped at his wife. "Seriously?"
"Well the bathrooms are nice," Lana said as she walked in. "They even have those salt scrubs you can wash your hands with and cloth towels. Why is everyone looking at me?"
"No reason," Pam grinned as Lana sat down.
"Nothing at all," Ron said quickly.
"So, you and Dr. Denton huh?" Krieger asked.
"WHAT?" Lana snapped.
"HOW COULD YOU?" Cyril shouted.
"Oh for the love of…" Mallory rolled her eyes as she took a drink. "Like I had no idea this was going to happen sooner or later!"
"Ray you have such a big fat mouth!" Lana barked.
"Hey I'm not the one who was making googly eyes at a doctor right outside Archer's hospital room," Ray snapped.
"It was down the hall!" Lana snapped.
"Still…" Ray shrugged.
"Ray just because you don't have a love life going on," Lana glared at him. "That's no reason to discuss mine!"
"I do so have a love life!" Ray barked. "I'm just going through a little bit of a dry spell right now."
"Ray," Pam gave him a look. "The Mohave Desert is going through a little bit of a dry spell. You are flat out of luck."
"So is Lana," Cheryl snorted.
"Not for much longer if this thing with the doctor heats up," Pam remarked.
"There is no thing!" Lana snapped. "We just made some small talk that's all."
"Which you obviously hope leads to pillow talk," Cyril grumbled. "Lana how can you just throw yourself at another guy while Archer is in a coma?"
"You're just mad because it's not you!" Lana snapped. "And it's not like I made out with the guy right there in the hallway."
"Aww…" Pam pouted.
"Lame," Cheryl groaned. "I mean if she didn't even kiss the guy what's the point?"
"Exactly!" Lana pointed out.
"They didn't even do anything interesting," Cheryl grumbled. "Which is pretty pathetic if you think about it."
"You know…?" Lana glared at her.
"Well Lana you certainly have a type," Mallory groaned. "White idiots. But at least this one is making money. And conscious."
"How can you be so calm about this?" Cyril snapped. "Lana your son's supposed girlfriend is flirting with another guy!"
"Who isn't you," Ray added.
"I didn't say I was happy about it!" Mallory snapped. "But I understand Lana's position. She's a single mother for crying out loud. She has to take pretty much whatever she can get. She can't afford to sit around and literally wait for Sterling to come to his senses!"
Ron looked at Mallory. "You've done the same thing yourself, haven't you?"
"Honestly Ron," Mallory sighed. "If I sat around and waited for every guy I dated who ended up in a coma…We'd have never gotten married."
"That's not exactly a bad thing," Ron growled at her.
"Can we please talk about something else besides my love life?" Lana snapped.
"On in Lana's case," Cheryl quipped. "Lack of one."
"And I suppose your love life is so great?" Lana snapped. "NOT!"
"What do you mean by that?" Cheryl snapped.
"I don't exactly see a line of suitors standing by your door," Lana snapped.
"No, but I have a line of your boyfriends that I screwed!" Cheryl snapped.
"Oh really?" Lana picked up a knife.
"Oh god!" Cyril groaned. "Here we go again!"
Cheryl picked up a knife. "You wanna go around bitch? I will go!" However, she pointed the knife at herself.
Casually Cyril took the knife and put it in the right position. "Oopsie!" Cheryl giggled. "My bad."
"Why are you helping her?" Mallory snapped.
"She's our only client," Cyril groaned as he explained for the millionth time.
"And he was so hot for my body!" Cheryl grinned. "That's why he slept with me!"
"I only slept with you the first time because I was half drunk and you took advantage of me!" Cyril snapped. "And then those other times because you blackmailed me!"
"Didn't have to blackmail you that hard," Cheryl snorted as she put the knife down. "And I certainly didn't blackmail you into sleeping with those whores or Scatterbrain Jane."
"Oh, who didn't sleep with Scatterbrain Jane?" Pam groaned.
"Me," Both Mallory and Ray said at the same time.
Mallory and Ray looked at each other. "Oh sure, blame me for having taste," Ray waved.
"Probably one of the few people you didn't sleep with," Ron grumbled giving his wife a look.
"Don't start with me Ron," Mallory glared her husband.
"What did she do now?" Pam asked.
"NOTHING!" Mallory shouted. "Mind your own damn business! Both of you!"
Ron snapped. "When my wife spends thirty-five minutes laughing and talking to some guy named Gus Fletchley when she thinks I'm not listening, then it is my business!"
"Wait are you talking about Lord Gustavus Fletchley?" Lana asked.
"That's the guy!" Ron snapped. "I know he's a lord or a duke or some kind of title."
"That's right!" Cyril realized. "He was at the party with the killer clowns too!"
"It's not like we had time to mingle!" Mallory groaned. "Gussie just called to see how I was doing."
"Oh, it's Gussie is it?" Ron sneered.
"Ron we're old friends that go way back," Mallory told him.
"An old friend that used to lie on his back for her," Cheryl quipped.
"CAROL!" Mallory snapped. "Not helping!"
"That's why I said it," Cheryl snorted.
"Let's talk some more about Lana flirting with a doctor right outside Sterling's room while he's in a coma," Mallory spoke up.
"Until Lana is caught having sex with the doctor on top of Archer's body I don't care!" Cheryl snapped. "Tell us about Gussie."
"I remember him," Krieger spoke up. "He's an English lord Ms. Archer has known since the second World War. Apparently, she met him when she did some intelligence work for his father who happened to be in British Intelligence. His son was never in intelligence work by the way."
"I remember him," Lana groaned. "Didn't seem to have much intelligence in him to begin with. A lot of slobber though."
"But he was in the army when he was younger," Krieger added. "Made his way up to Captain. Actually got a few medals for valor."
"Didn't seem so brave at the party," Pam recollected.
"Well he didn't have a damn weapon now did he?" Mallory snapped. "Krieger how do you know all that?"
"You talk a lot when you drink absinthe," Krieger shrugged. "I remember you telling me stories about you and Lord Fletchley when I was a boy. How you used to go on picnics together in the English countryside during and after the war. And the time you two went skinny dipping in his…"
"THAT'S ENOUGH KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.
"So they did it?" Pam asked with sigh.
"Yup," Krieger nodded. "But not since he got fat. And married. In that order. Of course, he was married before he was fat…"
"Oh there's a comforting thought!" Ron said sarcastically. "I don't have to worry about him stealing my wife! Unless he goes on Weight Watchers."
"Okay so we had a brief fling when we were younger?" Mallory snapped. "It was wartime! These things happen! But we haven't talked in ages! He only called me now because he remembered seeing me at the party and wanted to know how I was."
"He called you several months after the party with the killer clowns?" Ray asked.
"Gussie was always a little scatterbrained," Mallory waved. "Forgets and remembers things at very inopportune moments."
"Uh huh," Ron looked at her.
"Ron whatever we had was over a long, long, long time ago…" Mallory told him. "Before I even met you! He just called me today to see how I was doing because he just heard about Sterling being in a coma."
"Just heard now about Archer being in a coma?" Cyril asked. "He's been in a coma for months."
"Gussie was never good about watching the news or keeping up with things," Mallory said. "He was just calling to lend a sympathetic ear. Nothing more!"
"So you say," Ron grumbled.
"There! Nothing happened with me or Lana!" Mallory snapped. "I'm sorry if this disappoints you gossip seeking vultures. No wait, I'm not!"
"Can we just get back to the meal?" Lana sighed. "Which I have to admit is really good so far."
"I agree," Mallory nodded. "Which now that I think about it, actually turns my stomach."
"You just can't stand anyone doing better than you," Cheryl snapped. "Which nowadays is almost everyone."
"Watch it!" Mallory snarled at her.
"Maybe Lana should watch it?" Cyril grumbled.
"Maybe you should mind your own business?" Lana snapped.
"Exactly!" Mallory snapped. "I am getting so sick and tired of everyone knowing every stupid little detail about everyone else! Can we just move past this? It's like Gussie told me right after the disastrous party at the Grand Tuntmore. Gossips hold onto grudges like a bulldog with a bone. And he was right!"
"Wait wasn't that before Archer was in a coma?" Cyril asked.
"Uh…" Mallory blinked.
"In fact, that was before we even came out to California," Cyril realized.
"The plot thickens," Ray quipped.
"Cyril mind your own business!" Mallory snapped.
"I KNEW IT!" Ron shouted.
"Oh, for crying out loud…" Mallory groaned. "There's nothing between me and Gussie! Just a few calls and e-mails!"
"A FEW?" Ron shouted. "What happened to just the one?"
"Obviously she lied! DUH!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"This is why I don't tell you things!" Mallory looked at Ron. "Because you overreact!"
"Because you lie!" Ron countered. "That's why I overreact when you keep secrets from me!"
"Because you overreact!" Mallory snapped.
"BECAUSE YOU LIE!" Ron shouted. "You've lied about your past since day one of our relationship!"
"I have not!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh really?" Ron snapped. "The first day you came into my Cadillac dealership you told me…And I quote…It's so hard to pick a car out, especially since my husband died. Then it turns out you were never married!"
"Gotta give him this one," Ray remarked.
"That is a pretty big lie," Cyril agreed.
"Then after we get married I start finding out a few things about you," Ron glared at her. "I mean I didn't think you were a virgin. But I didn't know you were the extreme opposite!"
"And I suppose you told me all about your former lovers?" Mallory snapped.
"As a matter of fact, I have!" Ron snapped.
"You honestly expect me to believe that you've only slept with six women in your entire life?" Mallory shouted.
"Because I have!" Ron snapped.
"Seriously?" Everyone else at the table asked.
"Only six lovers…" Mallory was stunned. "That's it. For your entire life? Only six?"
"I expect that was more of a slow weekend for you back in the day," Ron glared at her. "And you know I told you about every one of them! Including that one hooker at Fat Mike's bachelor party!"
"Are you sure?" Mallory blinked. "I mean I knew you were boring but…"
"Not everyone in the world is a sex maniac like you and your people!" Ron snapped. "Actually, a lot of my friends have only had sex with one person. Their wives. So to them I'm a playboy."
"You a playboy?" Mallory was stunned. "When you only slept with six women? Ever?"
"Even I slept with more women than that," Cyril remarked.
"Even I slept with more women than that!" Krieger added. "Even not counting Mitsuko. Or any other creations."
"I think even I slept with more women than that," Cheryl blinked. "If you count what goes on at sleepovers. And sex dungeon party weekends."
"Only six people?" Mallory asked again.
"Seven including you," Ron looked at her. "I guess that whole thing about the number seven being lucky is a load of crap. Much like the lies you give me!"
"They're not lies," Mallory waved.
"What? You slept with so many people you forgot who you were with?" Ron snapped.
"I remember most of them!" Mallory protested.
"Most of them?" Ron snapped.
"You don't even know who Archer's father is," Cheryl snapped. "Your memory can't be trusted. Actually, you can't be trusted."
"Look who's talking little Miss Machiavelli!" Mallory glared at her. "I just figured this out. This whole dinner is a ruse!"
"A what?" Lana asked.
"A ruse," Krieger spoke up. "As in a scheme. Or a trick. Or…"
"I KNOW WHAT A RUSE IS KRIEGER!" Lana snapped. "I meant in the context of this situation."
"Ohhh," Krieger nodded. "Okay. Because I was confused that you didn't know what a ruse was. Since you used to be a spy and all…"
"Krieger you've been sniffing too many of your own chemicals," Mallory interrupted. "What I meant was that this whole dinner is a scheme by this one to get us all fighting with each other for her amusement!" She pointed at Cheryl.
"No, it's not!" Cheryl snapped. "That's only half the reason I invited you all here. I really did need your input on this restaurant. By the way Lana, I'm really glad you're impressed with the restrooms. A quality restroom is a sign of a quality restaurant."
"So basically," Cyril sighed. "You were just trying to get us to fight because you were bored."
"Is it my fault there's nothing good on TV?" Cheryl snapped. "And again, I really want to know about the quality of this restaurant."
"Well the restaurant is fine," Cyril said sarcastically. "It's your stupid little schemes that are half assed!"
"Yeah…" Cheryl shrugged. "This wasn't one of my better ideas. Still beats cable."
"This is definitely going in the comment section of my restaurant review," Ray groaned.
"See Ron?" Mallory said. "Carol is just trying to stir up drama again. Let's go!"
"If you go, you won't get any hours or money," Cheryl told her.
"Fine! It's worth it to get a few hours of peace!" Mallory snapped as she stood up in a huff.
"Do we get her money?" Pam asked.
"Sure? Why not?" Cheryl shrugged.
"Then I'm staying," Pam remarked.
"Me too," Ray and Krieger said at the same time.
"So am I," Ron gave his wife a look as he remained seated.
"Ron!" Mallory gasped.
"Maybe I need a few hours of peace from you?" Ron snapped. "And I'm actually still hungry. These appetizers are great."
"You really think so?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah you might want to consider a separate appetizer and tapas menu," Ron said. "People are really into that now. Maybe have a wine tasting night and serve a couple with the wine?"
"I've been thinking of that," Cheryl asked. "But I'm having trouble finding a decent sommelier at a decent price."
"I know a guy," Ron said. "He works in the restaurant biz as a high-profile food critic and chef. Buys a lot of Cadillacs from my dealership in the Catskills. He's a collector. Gotten me a lot of good free food and wines over the years because he knows everybody."
"Really?" Cheryl asked.
"I bet if I make a call to him I can set you two up," Ron said. "And he can find the right guy to help you out. He's also the president of some fancy wine club. So he knows…"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Mallory shouted. "The Gourmet Gossip Girl Hour? Ron, I am ordering you to come with me now!"
"Mallory, I am your husband," Ron gave her a look. "Not one of your employees. I'll go when I want to go damn it! And not a minute before!"
"Good for you Ron!" Pam whooped. "About time some guy around here grew some damn balls!"
"Ron, I am warning you…" Mallory glared at him.
"What are you going to do Mallory? Leave me?" Ron snapped. "You're not that stupid! I have the money remember? And the house is in my name!"
"I could divorce you like that!" Mallory snapped her fingers. "This is California! I get half of whatever you own!"
"First of all, I never legally changed my place of residence," Ron gave her a look. "So technically the divorce laws of New York would apply. And since I can prove that you married me under false pretenses, well…It wouldn't end well for you."
"No, it would not," Cyril groaned. Mallory glared at him.
Ron went on. "And even if by some weird twist you lucked out into getting half my stuff…As much as it would be worth it to me to get rid of you…It wouldn't last long. You'd spend it all or throw it away on cockamamie schemes and be on the streets within a year. I'm not an idiot Mallory. We both know you staying in this marriage is your best option of having any money at all!"
"This is the Hamptons all over again!" Mallory fumed. "You lording your money over me and throwing every little thing I've done at me!"
"Not everything. But you have to admit doll," Ron said. "There's a lot of material to choose from! Like Gussie!"
"Oh for the love of Christ!" Mallory groaned as she grabbed a wine glass and took a drink.
"Or Buddy Rich. Or half the East Side. Or that crazy cardinal," Ron went on. "Or that KGB guy. Or Jackson Wainscott…"
"How did you find out about him?" Mallory gasped.
"His son's wife called me," Ron gave her a look. "Looking for a handout. She didn't get one. But I got some good dirt on you!"
"Bitch," Mallory growled.
"I didn't say anything at the time because I was stupid enough to think that was a minor indiscretion from your past and wasn't worth bringing up!" Ron snapped at her. "Minor indiscretion my ass! Your whole past is full of indiscretions from here to Timbuktu!"
"Don't forget Len Trexler," Cheryl added. "Whom she almost married."
"You almost married this Trexler guy?" Ron shouted at Mallory.
"Thanks a lot, Hedda Hopped Up On Glue!" Mallory shouted.
"Relax Ron," Cyril sighed. "She was never really in love with him. She was only going to marry him because she lost all her money from a Ponzi scheme. Until we put a microchip in his head and made him crazy."
"And obsessed with lettuce," Ray added.
"Oh well that makes it all better!" Ron snapped. "I guess I was the sap you married instead!"
"That's pretty much it," Cheryl added. "Except for the fact that Trexler might also be Archer's father."
"WHAT?" Ron snapped. "This is news to me!"
"Really?" Mallory gulped. "I could have sworn I mentioned that."
"Maybe you mentioned that KGB guy that got killed could have been Archer's father too?" Cheryl asked. "Since you have no clue…"
"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.
"MAKE ME!" Cheryl snapped.
"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" Mallory lunged at Cheryl.
"I knew it," Ray groaned as Mallory tackled Cheryl and started choking her. "Draaa-maaaa!" He then started to drink some more wine.
"Get off her!" Cyril tried to get Mallory off Cheryl. "She's our only…"
WHAM!
"Client…" Cyril passed out after Mallory accidentally hit him with a right hook.
"Let her go! COME ON!" Krieger and Pam tried to remove Mallory from Cheryl.
"I don't freaking believe this…" Ron groaned.
"I'm going to go wait in the bar," Lana sighed as she got up and left the room.
About twenty minutes later Ron walked into the bar. "So?" Lana asked him as he sat down next to her.
"Pam is taking Cheryl home," Ron told her. "Mallory is taking a cab home. Cyril is still passed out on the floor. Ray is trying to pick up a waiter. Krieger…I don't know what Krieger is trying to pick up. I saw him go in the kitchen with some tongs and a container. And I'm taking you home. Then I'm going to a bar to wonder how the hell this freak show became my life!"
"Well at least this time the restaurant didn't catch on fire," Lana groaned. "And no one got arrested."
"Lana honey," Ron sighed. "I don't want to tell you how to live your life. But maybe meeting new people isn't exactly the worst idea in the world? For both of us!"