She's Too Good For Me

by Cheridel

Spike reflects on his relationships with Buffy and the Scoobies. Complete

Title: She's Too Good For Me
Author: Cheridel
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes!
E-mail: Website: http/cheridel. Improv #51: Sting Title Challenge
Spoilers: anything up to Seeing Red
Distribution: Ask me first, please.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by WB, UPN, and Fox. Or one of
the three.
Summary: Spike reflects on his relationships with Buffy and the Scoobies.

Every day I get reminded by the bloody Scoobies that I am just an evil, disgusting thing. No better than trash, in fact I am trash. It doesn't matter to them how many times I've saved their lives, they still treat me like a freak. To them, I am incapable of change.

In their eyes, I am also incapable of love. Every time I tell Buffy I love her, she gets a repulsed look on her face. This confuses me. Do they think I can't love at all or do they think my love is motivated by some nasty, evil purpose?

As long as I am what I am, a soulless vampire, nothing I feel, do, or say will mean anything to these people or to the Slayer.

I used to think that Buffy and I were the same inside, that we understood each other. I thought we were both killers, hunters, predators that got off on the chase and the kill. And it was true… to a fault.

You see, today Buffy explained to me that demons aren't people, so therefore it is okay to kill them. But it is unforgivable to kill even the most evil human.

When I heard this from my love's mouth, my heart almost shattered. At that moment, I realized that I am an evil, disgusting, sickening thing that doesn't deserve the slightest bit of compassion from the people I helped to protect.

Once upon a time, I thought Buffy and I were the same. I thought Buffy could grow to love me. I thought I could be a stand-in big bro for Nibblet; someone she thinks is 'cool'. I thought the Scoobies would change their opinions of me and make me part of the team.

Now, I know that a soulless monster can't be friends with humans. I know that a disgusting creature can't be allowed to influence a young mind like the 'Bit's. I know that Buffy will never trust me enough to love me. I know that she and I are not the same. I know that she's too good for me.