This is dumb. This is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever written. Which is saying something, considering. All poems in this were written by Henry Beard. I don't own YYH or the poems.

The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Stupidity Volume One: Hairball

Once upon a time in a land so far away that it was not actually on the human plain of existence but in the spirit realm, and actually once you get into the spirit realm it's not that far away at all, but for the sake of narrative tradition we'll say it is anyway, there was a baby named Koenma. Well, he wasn't actually a baby. He was centuries old, but he was in the form of a baby most of the time, although why this is since he doesn't like it is beyond the comprehension of most people, but then again we're only human. Anyway, Koenma was sitting behind his desk, surrounded by piles of paper that stretched up to the ceiling. His hands were a blur as they moved. After a while, the blue ogre that was always at his side said suspiciously,

'Are you even reading them, Koenma-sama?'

Koenma froze in mid-stamp and turned his small head, very slowly and dangerously, to narrow toffee-coloured eyes at the ogre, who paled to quite a nice shade of cloudy baby blue. He took a step back, and Koenma continued to glare until finally he stood up with a roar and sent the papers flying.

'THIS IS SO BORING!' he screamed, amid the rain of paper. When really powerful entities lose their temper and just don't care anymore, they let loose a wild swing of power. Koenma's office sat on the border between the spirit world and the human world, an area highly sensitive to all spiritual energy and magic. The tsunami of power that Koenma sent briefly rippling though this fragile place had profound effects, terrible effects that, while they wouldn't change our cast's lives forever, they would certainly create absolute stupidity and some disturbing memories for a very long time.

The result of Koenma's horrible burst of power materialised in the form of a slim volume of poetry that gently fell out of the air and dropped onto Koenma's desk. The ogre, Koenma, and several suicidally curious ogres that had peered into the room stared at it like it was about to explode, with the exception of Koenma, who poked it cautiously, picked it up, and then opened it.

With frightening suddenness, absolutely nothing happened. Koenma glanced at the cover.

' "Henry Beard- Poetry for Cats: The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Feline Verse". What?"'

'You don't think that's…all… do you?' asked the blue ogre nervously. Koenma turned the blank page that was always at the start of books for a reason no one knows, and paused. He flipped back to where the dust cover was folded in over the sides of the book. There, where the author's picture usually was, were photos of several very familiar-looking faces.  Koenma knew one of them very well- he saw it in the mirror every morning. As for what would happen… well, they'd just have to see. They couldn't do anything about it while they didn't know what had happened. He opened his mouth to say so.

' "A hairball is a hairball is a hairball" ', he said, and then tried to look at his own mouth in horror. The ogres stared. Koenma cleared his throat and squeaked,

'Someone get me Botan.'

He glared at them as they continued to stare.

'Well? What are all you mongrels looking at?! Haul ass!'

'Um. "Mongrels", sir?'

'Shut up.'

A little later, in the human realm…

'Tadaima!'

'Oh, welcome home, dear. Did you have a good day?'

'Un,' Kurama replied, walking into his room and tossing his school bag into the corner.  He got out of his school uniform- it was just too damn hot, as Yuusuke had said- and went to open the glass door that served as his window. He blinked and came out onto the small veranda, and leant on it, watching the tree outside his window. After a while Hiei opened his eyes.

'Good afternoon,' Kurama smiled. 'How long have you been sleeping there?'

'None of your business, baka,' Hiei snorted, rolling over so his back was to the redhead. Kurama chuckled. Hiei was the only person he knew who could roll over on a tree branch.

'Come inside,' he said. 'I'll get something to eat. Ice cream?'

Hiei came inside a bit quicker than he would like to admit. When they were both seated on the carpet, Hiei contentedly licking his ice cream cone in a childlike manner Kurama found highly amusing, he asked,

'I take it your last mission went well?'

Hiei paused, looked at him, and opened his mouth to say something sarcastic in response. What came out gave him nightmares many years later. He said,

' "I chased a mouse beneath the stair,

It went to ground, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it ran, my sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I coughed a hairball in the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For though my sight is sharp and true,

I saw not where that fur-bullet flew.

Some time afterward, quite by chance,

I spied them both in a single glance;

For the mouse in a corner lay dead,

A hairball lodged in it's tiny head." '

Kurama stared. Hiei dropped his ice cream in shock, horror, and a few seconds later, embarrassment. Kurama's shoulders began to shake, and he managed,

'H-Hiei, I h-had n-no idea y-you were learning (snigger) p-p-poetry-'

'I'm NOT!' Hiei shouted, and stormed out as Kurama collapsed into gales of laughter.

Back in the spirit realm..

'You know, reciting poetry to each other's supposed to be romantic, not insanely stupid,' Botan said, after getting over the initial shock and hysterical laughter that had come close on it's heels.

'And, I mean… Hiei and poetry? Like… it's Hiei. Kuwabara and dumb poetry, yes, and maybe a short poem full of innuendoes from Kurama when he's in one of his moods, but HIEI?!'

'Right,' Koenma said. 'This is a serious situation. I can't have my spirit detectives running around saying poems about hairballs instead of death threats!'

'We might kill them with laughter, sir,' volunteered an ogre. To Botan's horror, Koenma actually seemed to think about this seriously.

'Nah,' he said eventually, 'it effects me too, it's way too embarrassing.'

'YOU MEAN THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND STOP THIS?!' Botan shrieked, lifting Koenma up in one hand.

Back in the human realm…

'Hiei.'

'How the HELL did you do that?!' Hiei said, whirling around in surprise. In an entire city, Kurama had someone managed to track him down. Kurama grinned and shrugged, which was all the answer, and then said,

'I'm sorry for laughing. Botan contacted me and said that Koenma lost his temper this morning, and it seems to have effected us a bit. She said there's a book that turned up just afterwards that's radiating power, and the poem that you said was in it. She also said that Koenma had the same thing happen to him.'

'What, that drivel coming out of your mouth without you meaning it to?' Hiei scowled, as Kurama steered him gently towards a bar.

'Yes, something like that,' Kurama said.

'Hmph,' Hiei muttered, opening the door to the bar. 'You'd better be buying, baka kitsu-'

'Hiei! Kurama!'

'Oh shit,' Hiei muttered. Kurama caught the back of his collar as the smaller demon made to turn around and leave, and dragged him over to where Yuusuke and Kuwabara were sitting.

'Hey,' Kurama said, giving Hiei and push to sit him down in the corner of the booth where he couldn't escape and sat down himself. Kuwabara narrowed his eyes at Hiei, and Kurama suddenly remembered that the last time Hiei had been around, it was winter and they'd started arguing, for a change. Kuwabara lost his temper and Hiei hadn't been in the best of moods, so he'd given him a little downward force when the redhead had tried to hit him. Kuwabara had landed in a mud puddle. In the presence of Yukina. The scars still clearly remained. Kurama and Yuusuke braced themselves for torrent of abuse, but-

' "I am a pussy cat in grey coat slinking

Across the living room. Your ears are small

And do not hear my footpads softly fall

In all the racket of your cage-bell's clinking

And chirps and cheeps of your annoying tune;

But I will have my pretty birdie soon,

I am a pussycat in grey coat slinking.

You are a parakeet in a cage singing

With nothing on your mind, not even that

Grey cat who tiptoes like an acrobat

Along the shelf. But then you hear the creak

As I release the cage door, and you shriek.

You are a parakeet in Heaven singing." '

There was a long, stunned silence.

'WHAT THE HELL-?!' Kuwabara yelled, clapping his hands over his mouth. Kurama was laughing so had he had tears in his eyes. Yuusuke was rolling about on the floor, hands folded over his stomach as he laughed.

'I didn't get most of that,' Hiei said, 'but since it was both insulting and a threat you will not be able to carry out and I bear no resemblance to small feathered Earth creature-'

They had to carry the black-and-blue Kuwabara home.

'Do you feel better?' Yuusuke asked, since Kurama had told him about Hiei's little poetry outburst and the book of poetry. 'Tension released?'

'Not until I get my hands on Koenma,' Hiei said dangerously, and glared at Kurama, who'd been giggling at random intervals for some time. 'Shut up, baka.'

'But it's funny!' Kurama chuckled.

'To you, maybe,' Hiei growled, and stomped along ahead. Yuusuke and Kurama glanced at each other, and sniggered.

'WELL?!' Botan shouted, shaking Koenma. 'Now it's got poor Kuwa-chan!'

'I don't know what to do!' Koenma said in protest. 'I don't know how to reverse this!'

'WHAT?! You started it!'

'That doesn't mean I know how to stop it!'

Botan sighed and dropped Koenma back on the floor. Koenma glanced at the book, and grinned as he picked it up. He tapped it's cover thoughtfully and glanced at Botan, who was looking at him cautiously.

' "I wonder why humans never seem to catch on,"' Koenma said cheerfully, ' "That things that aren't forbidden are no fun to scratch on."'

'…and what was that supposed to mean?'

* * *

Should I keep going? I mean, I've got the actual book right here and can keep going, but this is such a weird idea I dunno if anyone will even read it. I mean…this is weird.