These are the words I wrote when I first started the fic.

21:00, August 17th, 2016.

Deztin fic: because I'm angsty as fuck. Austin POV.

And these are the ones after I erased the whole trainwreck that was the original fic

15:38. September 7th, 2016.

let's trying writing this bastard again.

There was black fly taking a swim in his wine glass. It was disgusting as it was sad. Pathetic was perhaps the better word, for how he felt that he'd give up a finger or two just so he could switch places with the fly to get out of this wedding.

But the best man can't leave early, apparently that was some kind of unspoken rule that no had told him about; but even if he did leave, he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of walking out of his best friend's wedding. No matter how much he wanted to stab himself with one of the dessert spoons in the leg.

Austin watched numbly the whole venue, the whole. With unseeing eyes but his whole attention on the recently married couple twirling on the dance floor, they had eyes for no one else but each other, they had no other care in the world.

Ironic, because it was raining like there was no tomorrow, despite the fact that their honeymoon flight would probably be cancelled, they just didn't care anymore. They had each other and that was all they could see right there and then and most likely for the rest of their lives. Now, all was right for them, they didn't care anymore.

But Austin did.

He did care and the caring hurt.

When he found out about the whole proposal, or better said, when he was told about the upcoming proposal, he tried and succeeded with his damndest not to storm out, scream, cry or mainly break down in front of Dez. Instead he put on his happiest face, made the correct interjections, promising that she would never say no to him

(Because who could?)

It was funny actually, because they hadn't seen each other in several months when his best friend, his beautiful blue eyed best friend told him he met someone, that he met someone and was really happy. That he had met someone and he was really happy and he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.

(And with every excited affirmation, the confession hanging from the tip of Austin's tongue retreated down his throat and began to weigh down on his heart, until his pulse could be felt from his stomach and the echo of an empty chest kept resounding.)

That night, Dez and Austin planned the proposal, they sketched out all the details and looked at rings online. Dez kept thanking Austin for his help and Austin couldn't respond to him with anything but a shake of his head, his eyes straying from his friend's for a moment, just trying to dismiss his thanks as quickly as possible-

He wouldn't accept his gratefulness when what went through his head while he saw his friend decide some little detail to remind her of their first date was how he was late, spinning again. He couldn't allow himself to let Dez be thankful of him for every time his eyes lit up at a ring that he knew she would love the only thoughts that'd run through his head were that he'd been too late.

Ironic.

Trish had told him to tell Dez about his feelings before going on tour, but he had dismissed it, assuming that the rejection would look even more cowardly from his part when he left the city for over five months.

(He'd think he was self-pitying at seeing no other outcome but being rejected, but when he thought back to all the men and women that Dez had dated in the past, each one more unique and with more idiosyncrasies that Austin would have ever dreamed up he simply assumed he wasn't his type.)

It was some honest advice, even Ally had called up from school to chastise him as he was speeding off and away from Miami, but she quickly switched into softly comforting him when she'd only heard him say one sentence in their entire phone call.

"I can't lose him."

So there he sat, accompanied by a dead fly in the Chardonnay, Trish and Ally dancing with each other, Dez and Carrie spinning around gracefully looking freakishly magical and so painfully happy he just had to look away.

When he had received his invitation in the mail a few months back, he'd been hinted into it by Dez, who'd called him just as he writing another song about someone's cold blue eyes but the warmest smile that made everything better.

"You should check your mail this week." He'd said without further explanation

"Dez, we already tried doing that penpal thing a few years ago, it doesn't work. Even little kids are using emails."

"Little kids don't know the pain of not understanding some french kid's terrible calligraphy. Terriblè! But no, no penpals from this red. Just check your mailbox this week okay?"

He thought it was incredible he could actually hear Dez's smile widening and the only thing he felt like doing was imagining it, wondering what to say to make it bigger.

"Sure, buddy."

"Great! Dez out!"

He then proceeded to drop his phone on the ground and walk away from it, as Austin laughed and rubbed his ear from the sound of the impact.

When checking his mailbox two days later he saw Dez's handwriting on the outside of a crisp formal envelope with gold details on its edges.

To: Little Golden Toes

And inside, it read:

Dez Hatfield Wade

Carrie Kat Jones

Kindly and lovingly, request for your presence

at the day of the union of our souls,

We are each other's YouTube

to the other's Google.

The Microsoft system to the other's

Nokia device. And we'd love

for you to join us at

Ancient Spanish Monastery

on March 23rd, 2021.

5:00 p.m.

Please RSVP

He laughed so hard that he cried and then he wasn't sure if he was crying because of his laughing or because of the newly returned feeling of heartburn that seemed to start taking over his entire body..

He returned inside, let the invitation fall into a pile of songs he should have gone through by now and dedicated the next three days to writing and writing and trying not to stain the pages with the water from his eyes.

He wrote a song about losing a person who'd never be lost.

He wrote another about confessions.

He wrote one about the warmest smiles belonging to another person.

And the one about being so goddamn lost in your own pain that you can't decide if you want someone to notice or if you just want to fade away.

He drowned that song in the sink and watched the ink bleed out just like him watching himself slowly lose his self to apathy.

It was ironic.

He hadn't even meet Carrie until tonight. He "met" her at the same time as Dez saw her. In her dress, catching the eye of everyone in the church, taking people's breath away with how beautiful she looked, how ethereal and as she slowly walked down the aisle.

They hadn't been formally introduced, yet. He still dreaded the moment. He couldn't believe he had made it that far into avoiding Dez's bride-to-be, skipping the rehearsal for the wedding with just mutters of some short sickness. But deadly contagious, you see.

Maybe it was the active avoidance whenever Dez wanted them to meet or maybe the occasional time it was true when he had a meeting or was going out of town, but mostly it was the fake meetings which were composed of him watching TV and playing his guitar upside down, trying not to dwell on the knowledge that all his friends would be together, with Carrie in the room.

Dez never caught onto his behavior, and for that he was thankful. But Trish and Ally were always too smart for their own good and one times too many when Dez pointed out that he could finally meet Carrie, and he had spat out an excuse and ducked out of another outing the two girls found themselves on their door.

"You're not subtle as you think you are." Trish snarked, already halfway into his apartment.

"Hey Trish, how are you doing? Me? I'm fine thanks for asking, would you like to come in? Sure, c'mon. Do you want something to drink? No? Okay."

"That cheekiness isn't gonna get you anywhere," Trish reprimanded, calling out from the other room.

"Ally," Austin let out a small whine, his eyelids lowering, suddenly feeling very tired in the anticipation of the scolding he was about to receive. "Are you on my side of this?"

"Austin," she gave him a small hug, "There are no sides of this. And even if there were, do you really think I'd go against my girlfriend?" She patted his cheek twice and walked into his living room.

"I get it and I know." He followed and slumped on his couch, feeling the crackle of the pages he hadn't moved before laying down. "I shouldn't try to keep avoiding meeting Carrie. But how am I supposed to meet her and pretend to like her and be fine when every time I think of her and Dez all I get is this urge to hide for two years?"

"You'd told us you were getting over him." Trish said surprisingly softly.

"I told myself that if I could convince myself that I didn't, then maybe I wouldn't anymore. It didn't really work..." He looked down at his hands. Lying to himself made it worse when he actually got to see Dez again. It was worse. He'd feel at peace, he'd feel calm, like everything could just work itself out. Then reality smacked back into place.

"Carrie's really sweet, you'd like her. She's a bit… uh… frivolous but you'd like her." Ally moved away from her chair to kneel in front of him.

"Maybe I would, but you don't get it. She's dating Dez. How can I stomach him and her being together? Kissing each other, holding hands or calling each other pet names. How would I possibly stand it? Let alone live with it. I know it's selfish. I know it's pathetic of me, because she means so much to Dez, but if I have trouble breathing because it hurts so much when he's just talking about her, could I even dare try to look at this women in the eye and say it's nice to meet you?"

"Then don't! Say "Hi, I'm Austin" and be done with it."

"Trish."

"Look Austin, I know you love Dez. I know it probably hurts like hell, but do you think he won't eventually pick up on how you haven't met Carrie? How long were you trying to keep this act up?" He didn't like it when Trish. Honestly he didn't like it when anyone was right, but she kept reminding how he was probably hurting Dez.

"Until the wedding," he mumbled.

"You're going to the wedding?" Ally seemed surprise, and Trish held the same expression. He didn't blame them. His decidedness on the subject shocked him as well.

"I'm the Best Man." He smiled bitterly. "Despite not being much of the best friend lately, he chose me to be his Best Man. How could I possibly let him down?"

Austin chose then to face the couch, hearing both Trish and Ally sit in front of him in silence. Their lecture apparently postponed or forgotten. They had all stayed like that for unknown amount of time, the quiet only being broken by Austin whispering:

"Do you think this," he had blindly gestured to his chest "will ever end?"

None of the girls had an answer, so silence blanketed them as the response.

He only had to do a few things before going to the wedding. Dez's wedding party, consisting in his Best Man, his Best Woman and his Best Ally. All he had to do was get up, get dressed and go to Dez's place, with the luck that husband-to-be couldn't see the bride before the wedding, so fortunately Carrie wouldn't be there.

But no.

He had woken up late.

He had woken up late and his car had chosen it wanted to spontaneously imitate his reluctance to actually go to the wedding and decided it didn't want to start anymore.

He woke up late and his car didn't start and when he'd actually gotten dressed and had managed to hail a cab he finally saw the missed message from Ally that had an offer from her to pick him up to go to Dez's place.

He was late, his car had decided not to start, it was the free ride from his best friend when he was already in a cab and it was the cab stuck in traffic.

Ironic, all these bad coincidences to happen to him on the worst day of his life thus far. And then his thoughts had decided to intrude on his perseverance to go, he sat there a long time, going back and forth on whether or not to go, to let the day go and let Dez be disappointed for a while so Austin could just finally breathe in his own actions.

He was so close to not going. He was so close to paying the driver the amount due, getting out and walking all the way home in the rain. If he got some sort of pneumonia it would perfectly fit as an excuse.

But then the car jolted and traffic was suddenly moving forward, and he let go of every other thought and let the car take him.

And here he was, watching Ally talking to Carrie's sister, Trish getting drinks for her and Ally by the bar. It was trying not to watch Dez and Carrie dancing slowly in the middle of the floor with despite the upbeat song, and even the older aunts, cousins and uncles dancing together, moved more excitedly than the pair.

He flicked the fly out of his drink and stole Trish's glass of water from the table. Then strided all the way over to the dance floor to the luminous and happy couple with a knot in his throat scratching its way high and higher up his throat.

The ache felt vaguely like abandoned words.

He put on his lightest, careless smile and touched Carrie on her shoulder.

"Hey Carrie, I'm Austin."

"Austin! It's so great to be finally meet you, Dezzie has told me so much about you."

Dezzie. His stomach dropped. If he felt wittier than at that moment, he'd make a produce a thought as deflection on how his stomach dropped at the lack of originality but he couldn't even force more than a light smile and a nod.

"Sorry we had to meet so late but Trish's Best Woman speech was a lot better since she actually met you." He thanked every entity in the sky and Trish every time he saw her for taking over the Best Person speech. "Mind if I cut in?"

Carrie nodded but Dez affirmed more enthusiastically and twirled his bride to a cousin of his, then grabbed Austin by the hand and by his waist and forced him to spin for a few seconds.

"Why have you been all mopey?" He asked immediately as Austin spun back into the first position.

"Noticed that, didn't you."

Dez lowered his voice and attempted to imitate an italian accent "You come to me on the day of my wedding, and you treat me with a mopey face. This I cannot allow."

Austin laughed and did a throaty voice "Forgive me, Godfather. For you see," He lowered his eyes and the sound of his voice "the rain has eyes everywhere. And it affects… the mood."

"Then we shall vanquish the rain!" Dez exclaimed, still keeping the accent. He looked toward the nearest window. "Be gone! Foul heathen."

It felt good to laugh. It felt nice to have Dez's hand in his, Dez hand on his waist despite Austin's own hand not daring to move from his friend's shoulder. The moment felt right, the moment was right. For the first time, the day something in the day was right. The day simply, did not belong to him.

The song changed, it suddenly became slower but instead of pulling away, neither Austin nor Dez moved to change positions except to slow their pace to fit to the rhythm of the song.

"Congratulations, buddy. I hope for the rest of you life that there is never a day when you are not happy." Austin noticed the crack in his own voice at the confession. He hoped Dez didn't notice. He hoped Dez didn't notice how he had failed to mention Carrie as a reason for happiness.

"Thanks, Austin. I love you, man."

The words rang in his ears, he imagined them in another moment, with another meaning, in another life. He wished they meant to Dez the same way they meant to him. He wished that he would have heard those words in a wedding much like this one, but one that belonged to him. Because in that instant, he felt a piece of him, whether big or small, whether permanent or not fractured in him in that moment.

The silence had extended for far too long, but it hadn't turned broken nor awkward. They had kept dancing, their movements stilted into a small individual box of steps where only they fit.

"And I love you."

He said the words with another meaning.

Everyone is super gay. That's the summary of this fic. I originally wanted to write a bit where Trish was basically bragging on how she'd had Ally confess to her on her knees but well it didn't fit in.

I also wanted to have Ally flirt with Piper but nope, Trally became the thing now.

Let's hope this doesn't suck.