Disclaimer: I don't own Secret Life of the American Teenager.
Summary: Ben Boykewich and the relationships that failed epically. Plus, the one that was the opposite of failure. BenAdrian, BenAmy, BenRicky, BenGrace, BenMaria, BenAlice, oneshot
I love Ben. Nuff said. And I think he's a stud, despite the fact that the show kinda depicts him as a bit of a naïve, nerdy, rich boy. But I heart him. And this story just popped into my head, and I wanted to write it very badly, so here it is! I hope that everyone enjoys this!
Genesis
His first crush was on Alice.
He and Henry were little at the time. Small, naïve children that still thought girls had cooties and you would grow another head if you touched them. But Alice wasn't like most girls. She wore pants when everyone else wore skirts, she had a fierce mouth on her, and she said the first curse word he'd ever heard in his life.
Ben thought she was possibly the coolest girl he'd ever known. But then again, she was the only one he'd ever hung out with, so he had nothing to compare it to.
He remembered thinking that she was really cute, then thinking that was wrong because boys were supposed to hate girls, but then again, screw what they thought, because she was cute…
Apparently, Henry thought she was cute as well.
So, of course, Henry got the feisty, free-spirited girl, and Ben ended up getting his braces, plus a rather confused disposition.
Was his chest supposed to be hurting so much?
The first time Grace Bowman spoke to him was something locked away and protected in the back of his mind - a precious treasure, in spite of the pain that surrounded it.
Ben had seen her walking down the halls, her hair bouncing about. She was just a year older than he was, but she was utterly perfect and wonderful. He wasn't afraid of cooties anymore, because Henry and Alice kissed a lot and neither of them had keeled over yet. So he figured it would be perfectly okay if he liked this girl - okay, really liked - even though it would most likely be unrequited.
Despite the fact that he was lower on the social ladder than everyone else, basically, he had never spoken a word to her. Ben had stayed away, because he was slightly scared of the hurt he had felt when Alice chose Henry, and because that Grace would never pick someone like him…
Apparently, the death of a parent neutralizes all of the social boundaries.
Ben remembered the first day back, after his mother had died. No one really spoke to him, just gave him pitying looks. It was as if they thought he'd break at the mere mention of his mother. Even Henry and Alice stayed their distance, being particularly kind and soft in their words, not saying anything about parents or what could be misconstrued as something about parents… They were good friends, but Ben wasn't a glass doll. He wouldn't break.
The stinging in his eyes had told him otherwise.
Ben was walking to the water fountain during break when it happened.
In a rush of golden locks and girlish glee, the very object of his affection came bounding up to him, her cerulean blue eyes shining with sadness.
"I'm so, so sorry, Benjamin!" She said, and he tensed. It was strange for anyone to call him by his full name, but with her, it was kind of nice.
"W-What?" He asked, looking at the girl as if she was an alien. This was strange, so strange.
"I…heard…" Grace said, never losing his gaze. He felt his cheeks heat up at the direct stare. "About your mom."
"About your mom." Those words cut him, made him feel exposed. His heart felt like it was made of lead, and that lead sunk quickly into his stomach, making him feel nauseous.
"It's not your fault, Grace." He said, and she smiled at him.
"You know my name." Grace grinned at him.
He chuckled once, without mirth.
Suddenly, her arms were around him, pulling his lanky frame close, close enough that he could smell her hair - Strawberries, he noted - and he awkwardly hugged her back. She was whispering something in his ear.
"I know your mom is in Heaven, Benjamin. I think she's watching over you right now."
After that, he couldn't get Grace out of his mind.
Soon, she moved up to high school, but he was stuck in middle school, all alone with no girls that caught his attention. Every time he saw someone with that shade of hair - that honey, golden blonde - he thought of her.
She got herself a boyfriend as well. Jack, the preacher's son.
Of course, a girl like that wouldn't stay single for long.
The pain was now worse than it was with Alice, almost like a physical blow to his chest.
But he could deal. He'd dealt with the hurt caused by his slight feelings for Alice.
He could handle it…
Right?
Amy Juergens had never really been on his radar until Alice had pointed her out as someone easier, more attainable than Grace. Even though he still wanted Grace, she looked awfully happy with that Jack guy, and that was really all that mattered to Ben. If Grace was truly happy with someone else, then he would be happy for her.
And Amy was sweet. Kind, innocent, naïve. A bit like him. She wasn't hard to be around, but sometimes his mind would drift to Grace.
Then something started to happen. Everything changed, like a shifting tide.
Ben would notice the little things. How thick and shiny her hair was, how her eyes glinted green in just the right light. Her laugh, and how it eased all the tension from his body. She was so, so sweet, and he could never imagine anyone else being with her but him.
It wasn't hard to fall in love with her.
And…and she loved him, too.
The feeling of soaring encompassed him when she replied that she loved him as well. It was as if everything else that had happened - with Alice, with Grace - had all been leading up to this moment, this instant in time.
Now, Amy was all he could think of. Amy, and her wonderful smile, her wonderful laugh, her wonderful 'I love yous'.
Then came the tearful confession on the bench.
Amy, his beautiful, perfect Amy, was…pregnant.
It wasn't his, of course, Ben only had kissed her. And while all of this had happened, he loved Amy. Loved her fiercely, even though this guy - this drummer, Ricky - had gotten her pregnant. He would be there for her, and all of his declarations of love suddenly became weighted around him.
He still loved her, but it wasn't that easy, simple kind of love from before, when they were just two kids in their first relationship.
After everything that had happened, he still loved her, even when the baby was born, even when she and Ricky were spending time together - he never stopped.
But even the most idyllic relationships have to come to an end, don't they?
Maria.
What else is there to say?
Maria was fun. Maria was giggly and happy and just…a joy to be around. While Amy was snippy and attitude-prone after having the baby, Maria was carefree and easy going.
Ben wondered what a relationship would be like without strings. Without a baby, without Amy, without Ricky…
Hollow, that's what it was.
Hollow.
Because he didn't love her.
Not like he loved Amy.
The phone calls with Adrian Lee were something he enjoyed, actually.
She was a take-no-nonsense kind of girl. Passionate and fiery, knew what she wanted, and would tell you what she thought, straight forward. Even though she probably had ulterior motives - she wanted to keep Ricky for herself - she told her to go back out with Amy. To give it another shot.
He wanted to, but Amy was…she was with that Jimmy guy, wasn't she?
Somehow, he found himself talking to Adrian more and more, becoming her friend, and somehow the feelings he had for Amy started to decrease over time - they had less prominence in his mind.
Somehow, he found his chest tightening in the hall when he saw her, in her short skirts and revealing tops.
And, frankly, he didn't know why.
"Hey, Ben." Grace said cheerfully as she walked down the hall.
"Um, hi, Grace."
She looked at him with flirty eyes, and he wondered if he was seeing things.
Ricky Underwood was intriguing.
It sounded stupid, even to Ben's traitorous thoughts, when he would watch him from across the butcher shop, sorting some random pieces of meat, working diligently. He found himself watching more than he wanted to.
He studied the curve of his lips, the strong muscles of his shoulders, bunched beneath the worker's apron, looked at the slender curvature of his neck.
His eyes, light brown and always on the alert, were something that Ben found himself drawn to one time or another, and often he would look at his lips, full and pink, wondering what it would be like to press himself tightly against the muscular man and just…try it.
Try him.
As much as Ben wanted to hate Ricky for all that he'd done, he couldn't stop himself from being entranced by him, like every desperate girl in their high school.
Besides, he couldn't hate Ricky, because they were friends. He admired so many qualities in the Underwood man that he couldn't really name them all. He was caring, considerate, and genuinely loved his son. Some of the girls at school didn't know these things about him, but Ben found himself learning more and more about Ricky through all of the experiences that they shared.
Sometimes - just sometimes - Ben would also see that Ricky would stare at him, too.
Ricky would stare at him in the same manner that Ben ogled him.
With interest.
That interest both frightened and excited him, causing Ben to question everything he thought he knew about himself.
"You still love Amy, don't you?" Adrian's voice was prodding and nervous on the other end of the line.
Frankly, Ben wasn't sure. His whole life was a mixture of confusion and heartache either way he turned.
"I don't know…I think so."
"It's a yes or no question, Boykewich."
"Yeah. Yeah, I still love her."
As he said that, he had the vague feeling he was fooling himself.
Ricky kissed Amy.
It was stupid, and with the flurry of emotions that he was feeling lately, he didn't know what he was angrier about. The fact that they had kissed, or the fact that it was Ricky who was doing the kissing.
Of course, it hurt. Ben had more experience with hurt than anyone else, but somehow, it hurt him more just because it was with Ricky.
He idly noted that when she was with Jimmy, he hadn't cared at all.
What was wrong with him?
He leaned his head back to rest on the headrest of his car, feeling numb and unwanted and just plain dirty because he had wanted Ricky the way he did. The fact that he still might have lingering feelings for Amy. The fact that, at this rate, he was surely going to die alone.
Someone knocked on his passenger side window.
It was Adrian, looking as beautiful as ever, even in her robe and slightly tangled hair.
"Hey…" He said, feeling broken.
She smiled at him coquettishly. He had never seen a smile like that directed at him in any way, "Want some company?"
Ben knew where this was going. He knew that smile, he knew that suggestion, and he knew that he was just a pawn to get back at Ricky.
Suddenly, he wanted to get back at Ricky, as well.
"Yeah, that'd be nice."
Adrian was experienced, as anyone who went to school with her would know, but there was something strange about their first time together. Not strange in a bad way, but strange in a wonderfully unattached way.
Strange, also, because Adrian took her time with him.
He thought he'd just be quick, over and done like that, because he was absolutely a virgin, and she absolutely was not, and he did reach his peak quite fast, but then she started in on him again, as if she wanted more. As if she actually liked him in a way that wasn't just based on revenge.
Her lips on his were divine, something sinful and wonderful, and he knew that nothing good could come of this. Her hand around him, his length sliding into her, was something incomparable to anything else he'd ever experienced.
In his heart, he wondered if anything would come of them.
One look in her eyes, and he knew that she was still in love with Ricky, and…well, he might be in love with both of them.
Facing Ricky was probably one of the toughest moments he'd ever experienced.
He wants Ricky to hit him, because Ben is so messed up that he hates himself for doing what he did. For hurting Ricky, for hurting Amy, for messing up Adrian's relationship just because he wanted sex, of all things.
So, Ben foolishly hit him, saying things like how he hated Ricky - or wanted to - because he took Amy from him, when in reality, all he wanted to do was cry and beg for Ricky to forgive him.
Because this thing, this worming, unattractive thing in his chest, told him that he felt more for Ricky than just a physical attraction.
Ricky hit him back, and this was harder than he'd ever been hit in his life. It hurt like hell.
"I'm sorry." Ben murmured, feeling foolish.
"Yeah." Ricky replied, "Me too."
Somehow, their friendship survived.
Somehow, Grace came back into his life, a bunch of sunny smiles and blue eyes and more uninhibited than he'd ever seen her.
She was extremely sweet, and the time they spent rolling around on her bed, tangled up in one another, just making out, was one of the best times he'd ever had, despite the nagging feeling in the back of his mind, telling him that he was a dog.
But, frankly, he didn't care, and Grace didn't seem to either - not about Adrian or anything else, just him. He just wanted to savor the moment, and he wondered if anything would come of this - anything substantial.
Because he already knew it would be easy to fall for her, since he'd done it once before.
"I know you want to kiss me." Ricky said, arrogantly. Conceited.
Ben stared at him like a frightened doe. Was Ricky angry? Was he going to hit him again? Beat him up until he cried for mercy, because of these feelings that were threatening to tear him apart? He was going to enjoy that…enjoy his pain…
"So do it."
His heart stopped in his chest, "W-What?"
They were in the butcher shop closing up for the day. No one was there, just the two of them, and Ricky had confronted him with this.
Ben felt like his head was going to explode.
"Fine, then." Ricky said, approaching him, "I'll just have to do it."
What? Ben couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything except watch as the attractive man came walking toward him. His large hand fisted in the back of Ben's dark hair and pulled him close, mashing his lips against his own before pushing him back into several boxes of various things. Their hips pressed together, and he couldn't hide the whimper that came from his mouth as Ricky ground slightly into him.
Ben was on fire.
After seeing Ricky bring Amy and John into the butcher shop not a week after that, Ben felt his heart sink. Ricky gave him a look that said I'm sorry. But Ben had had enough. No matter what he felt for Ricky, no matter how hurt he was, he wasn't going to let it get to him.
Somehow, out of skewed logic, he called Amy, and told her he loved her still.
Surprisingly, he believed that he did, despite the alternating images of Adrian and Ricky that played beneath his eyelids.
The wedding.
Something that should have been remembered for happiness, of joining his father and Betty together.
But, instead, it was something that had turned into one of the pivotal moments of his life.
Adrian pulled him to the side.
Adrian took him into the bedroom.
Adrian showed him the test, he saw the result, knowing what he had caused.
He was the father.
He goes back to Amy, for reasons still unclear to him.
Amy is safe, Amy is familiar, Amy isn't Ricky, or Adrian, for that matter.
But that soon ends when everyone finds out.
It was a confusing chain of events, after that.
Adrian didn't want everyone to know she was pregnant. She didn't want people to think her a fool for letting this happen. She didn't want people thinking she was just like Amy Juergens.
But everyone found out.
Everyone always does.
He had to tell Amy goodbye, just like he had told Grace that he was going back to Amy, and now things have gone full circle, except he was with Adrian, when originally he thought he would've been with Amy for the rest of his life. (And, another, more secretive, part thinks, maybe even Ricky.)But all of that is down the drain now. He can't think of anyone else other than Adrian, and taking care of her, and letting her feel the best she can right now, despite everything.
Against all odds, he is very happy with Adrian. They had decided to date, to keep everything between the two of them, and somehow, that is just what they need. Ben needed Adrian's fire, and Adrian needed Ben's calm. Fire and ice, the two of them, but it works marvelously.
When he is with her, it is almost like all of the bad things didn't even happen in the first place. The pregnancy was a bridge for letting the two of them get together, when it should have been a barrier between the two.
Somehow, despite all of the things that have happened, all of the things that have lead him to this point, he is glad that this is where he ended up, after everything was said and done.
Of course, he still thinks of Amy, and of Grace. Of Alice and Maria.
And of Ricky, more than he'd like to admit.
But all of those thoughts pale in comparison to the strengthening relationship he feels building with Adrian at this moment.
He places his hand on her swollen belly, and feels their daughter - yes, it is a girl - kick strongly against the palm of his hand. He jerks slightly, feeling awkward, as if he is in some kind of dreamlike bubble, and that this will end any second.
It doesn't.
Adrian looks at him with her deep brown eyes, and there is nothing but love there.
He gives her a smile and leans down to press his lips against hers, full and pink and perfect.
She tastes of forever.
End.
Uh, yeah. This was very long, as I'm sure everyone that had just trekked through this is aware. I hope that it was worth it. If it seems confusing, I'm sorry, but this fic isn't really meant to be cut and dry BenAdrian, or anything. It's really just following Ben through his relationships through the series - some canon and others not (coughRickycough) and I think Ben has had a really…confused aspect about him that happens while he dates someone. Like he doesn't know what to do and his feelings are often conflicted. So that's why everything is kinda jumping around and whatnot.
Anyway, this is just my take, and I hope that everyone enjoyed reading this. I know I enjoyed writing it. I was so glad to finally get through with it!
Thanks so much for reading! I would love it if you'd review!