Title: Still Waters
Rating: PG-13
Shoujoai content
Characters are not mine I am just borrowing.
She wants to say that she's sorry.
She wants to say that nothing happened and that nothing ever would.
She wants to say a lot of things, but she can't.
Part of her is aware that even under different circumstances she wouldn't be able to say what she meant to say. Saying what she meant would be admitting defeat. Thankfully, the silent running of the ship is preventing anyone from saying anything.
She and Alister are off duty and she hates it. She hates it when she's forced to take leave. She's learning to cope. She's learning to appreciate it when she's forced to relax, forced to breathe, and to clear her head. She's spent so much of her life being angry, and fighting to uphold her family name, being responsible. Her anger is all focused on herself. It's focused on her not being the best. Not being good enough, despite what anyone else might say.
And here, Tatiana, is forced into silence, looking at her navigator whom she has hurt countless times because of what she's done, and what she's said. Alister, who she cares for so much that she can't even say one damn word about it out loud, because it leads to weakness and defeat, because she's just not good enough.
The chug of the engines is barely audible, but the scream of the wind beating against the ship's hull is everywhere. She can't even let out a sigh; any noise will be picked up by another ship.
Silent running, and in the silence she finds herself looking over at her navigator and wondering why silence cuts so deeply. Why Alister's quiet calm and refusal to lash out at her in anger cuts her? Why it sinks in so deeply and twists, and aches, and makes her feel so guilty?
She shuts her eyes. It's because Alister doesn't need to do any of that to get her point across. It's because Alister knows her so well, and understand that she is the strong one, that she carries Tatiana and not the other way around.
Tatiana opens her eyes and looks across the way. She shuts them again.
She wants to say so many things.
She wants to know, why, of all times she wants to say them now?
There is no answer. There's only the silence and the wind outside, the bare sound of the engines, silence, piercing deep as she feels her bunk shift, and she knows that Alister is sitting next to her. She opens her eyes and looks over at her navigator that she wants to call a friend, and words hang dead on her lips as she opens her mouth.
It doesn't matter to Alister though, because she takes Tatiana's hand in hers and leans her head on her shoulder. She can feel the way Tatiana always goes stiff at close contact. The way she builds a wall around her because she doesn't want to be weak, and she is, but only because she refuses to admit that she has weaknesses.
Alister is about to do something bold when the lights click on and everything roars back into life. The silent run is over and the ship is once again alive with sound, and Tatiana wonders what might have happened if the silence had continued. She wonders why it would have to be wordless and quiet to mean anything.
Tatiana looks over at Alister and only nods. So the navigator starts to stand up, ready to leave, but she's caught by the pull of Tatian's hand on her sleeve.
"Alister," Tatiana begins to say, and pauses as the word gets stuck in her throat.
"I forgive you," the navigator replies and slowly steps away.
She wants to say that that wasn't what she meant.
She wants to say that she wants Alister to stay.
She wants to say that she needs her.
It's too late though and Tatiana is left alone, and silent.