Title: The Same, Yet Not
Author: CJ aka WritinginCT
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Pairing: Multiple Daniel Jackson pairings (het and slash fantasies), primarily Daniel/Jon (clone!Jack)
Rating: FRM
Warnings: None
Categories: Drama, prompt response, romance
Disclaimer: I don't own the recognizable characters I'm just inspired by them. Hopefully they've had fun playing in my sandbox.
Note: Set in a virtual Season 11. Written for the LJ sg1fivethings prompt: Five things people Daniel wants to do before he dies (for good). Special thanks to dragojustine for the beta!! First in the "Lost & Found" series.
Summary: A trapped Daniel ruminates on the things, no, rather the people he wants to do before he finally dies for good.
Status: Complete 8/9/08

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Daniel stuck his head in through the doorway of the small pod cautiously, his flashlight shining here and there. It wasn't giving off any sort of energy signature that they could detect, whatever was fueling it long since depleted. It was Ancient technology, found by accident by a team doing a mineral survey on an uninhabited planet. A little smaller than a puddle jumper, it was in remarkable shape hidden among the trees of the planet with its single door wide open, about a two hour hike away from the gate.

Daniel had been ensconced in his office trying to figure out how to word his letter to General Landry about his desire to pull back from the front lines, effectively resigning from SG-1 again, to focus strictly on the archaeological and anthropological sides of the SGC's mandate. The Goa'uld were gone. The replicators were gone. The Ori were gone. And he had had enough of getting shot at in his tenure at the SGC. When the call came through to his office explaining that they needed him to take a little unscheduled trip offworld and why, Daniel was practically high with the thought of being able to study something interesting without the fate of the world resting on it.

He looked around the pod and finally assessed it to be safe to enter and took a step inside. That action somehow triggered the door hatch to snap shut and the lights to switch on, making him see spots for a moment; apparently the energy source wasn't depleted, just in some sort of deep hibernation or shutdown mode. Daniel didn't panic, at least not until he couldn't open the door. It was locked solid. Nothing getting in or out. One by one the lights inside shut themselves off automatically as the pod went back to dormancy. He tried frantically to activate something, anything. But the Ancient technology was fickle. It would only respond to someone with the right DNA, which he didn't have. He was well and truly trapped.

Shouting back and forth through the locked door hatch it was decided that half the team would hike back to the gate to contact the SGC and see what could be done from that end while Daniel settled in for the long wait. He had his pack, which meant he had the reference materials that he had brought with him as well as a full canteen and a handful of energy bars. He decided to make the best of the situation and started documenting the interior of the pod.

The first hour went quickly, and it wasn't until he was starting in on hour two that he noticed the temperature in the pod getting warmer, and the air a little thick. And as he peeled off his jacket, it hit him. The pod was air tight, and with everything shut down, what oxygen he had in the pod was it. He quickly relayed this information to the men stationed out side and they in turn relayed it via radio to the two heading for the gate, making them double time it. Daniel decided to sit quietly and try to meditate and control his breathing to extend what air he had as long as he could.

As he let his mind wander where it wanted, he found himself thinking about his sex life. Fending off Vala's constant flirting and propositions had brought his romantic life, or actually, lack of a romantic life, to the surface and he had found himself thinking about it a lot lately, and the things he would have done differently.

He chuckled to himself and mentally said, "Scratch that. The people I would have done differently."

There was a list he kept locked in the deepest recesses of his own mind of physical encounters, whether making love or just having sex, that were his secret fantasies to have happen before he finally shucked his mortal coil for the last time. He took that list out every now and again, rehashing and revising the specifics, but the people on it pretty much stayed the same. And figuring that this fickle Ancient pod might very well become his own personal sarcophagus, he let his mind go over it one more time.

The one that always came to mind first was Jack's clone. He's always felt bad about severing the ties with Jack's teenage clone Jon; it felt like a betrayal, like he was turning his back on Jack himself. The SGC kept Jon's file updated with current photos, and in the past few years Daniel watched as Jon subtly started looking more and more like Jack. And the older that clone body got, the more frequently Daniel envisioned just showing up at Jon's door unannounced, and without any verbal preamble, kiss Jon. He wanted to kiss him with intent, to let Jon know with his lips and his tongue that he cared back then and still cared now. Daniel especially wanted to let him know that he was sorry for just letting Jon walk away without trying to stop him. He figured one of two things would happen: either Jon would deck him and slam the door his face, or the following few hours would be a haze of sweat and heat and need. Daniel wondered wryly if he'd be able to keep up with a nineteen year old libido. Especially a teenage libido fueled by a most certainly not teen aged Jack O'Neill desire. His fantasies about Jon topped his list every time, and as time went on they grew in number and variety.

Next was Sam. She was one of the closest people in the universe to him. A loving sister in so many ways, taking care of him when he was sick or injured, inspiring him when he needed a light bulb to go off over his head, and shoring him up when self doubt, guilt, and regret tried to consume him. But there were images that flashed through his mind, stolen moments from a ten year relationship that reminded him that she was a beautiful woman. The type of woman he would never have thought in his younger days to be attainable for a skinny bookworm, but not so unattainable now. Daniel grinned to himself in the dark pod as the image of Sam in a blue dress came to mind. Well, Sam's cleavage in the blue dress anyway, heaving with a righteous indignation, her cheeks flushed with anger. Seeing her face flushed instead with passion and her breasts heaving as she moved with him as he moved inside of her was something he wished for just once. Just to know.

Cameron Mitchell. Daniel smirked again in the dark. Mitchell would be interesting. In size and weight they were almost identical; it would almost be like having sex with himself. And it wasn't until he really got to know Mitchell that Mitchell replaced the kinky little fantasy that Daniel had about having sex with himself spawned by the existence of the quantum mirror. That particular kinky little fantasy had almost come true once upon a time when umpteen SG-1 teams came through the gate. Daniel had of course conferred with other Daniels and there was no doubt in his mind that had they not been in a military facility that he and at least one or three of the other Daniels would have satisfied some bizarre anthropological desires. But unfortunately the logistics at the time had made it impossible. But there was Mitchell. And Daniel wanted, just once, to hear Mitchell drawl out his name in the dark as his release hit.

As he thought about the quantum mirror Daniel frowned, and his eyes itched and threatened to well. His little "to do" list always took a hard right turn when he thought about that damn quantum mirror. There was still a part of him after all these years that yearned to use the mirror to find a universe where his wife was alive; he would give anything and everything he had to make love to Sha're one more time. To tell her he loved her with his hands and his mouth on her skin. To taste the salt of their sweat, and grouse and complain with her about sand getting into sensitive places like they always used to. Just one more time before he died he wished he could love her to exhaustion and hold her tightly as they slept.

Daniel always thought it was ironic that the top and bottom of his list were in essence the same person. Yet not. Jack lived by a military code so deeply ingrained into his psyche that he would never be able to let it go. No matter how much he might want to, no matter how much he might desire to, he would never break the regulations that he had lived by his whole life. Daniel ached to be with Jack; to be able to kiss and touch and make love to him without those damn dog tags around his neck, strangling them both. He knew it was a truly impossible dream, even more than the others and it was the one that broke his heart the most. But just once before he died he wanted Jack to call him Danny and to hold him close enough to share breath and to feel Jack's heart beating against his skin.

Daniel allowed his mind to play out his favorites among his little fantasies, and hours crept by. Going into hour seven his oxygen was running out and he was struggling to not lose consciousness. He heard activity outside the hatch vaguely, but he couldn't focus on it properly. A cursed, "Oh, for crying out loud," made him wonder how they had gotten Jack from Washington and through the gate so quickly; but even though he fought to stay awake to wait for Jack to rescue him, the darkness claimed him.

When he came to, Daniel became aware that he was outside. Sunlight was filtering down through the trees and a pleasant gentle breeze was blowing. Lying on his back, he realized that his head was cradled on someone's BDU encased leg and that he had an oxygen mask on his face. He tried to sit up. A quick hand on his chest stopped him and he heard a somewhat familiar voice say, "Easy, Danny. Just breathe. You were cooped up in that Ancient tin can a long time without a lot of air."

The owner of the voice leaned into view and a gentle smile crossed Daniel's face as he pulled off the mask and said softly, "Jon."

"That's me."

Daniel's brain tried to reset itself and think clearly, but it wasn't working. He finally just asked, "How?"

Jon smirked. And though it was weird looking up at him sort of sideways and upside down, Daniel knew that smirk. It was a patented Jack O'Neill smirk. "Apparently I was the only one in a five hundred mile radius with the Ancient gene that had clearance. So I got pulled out of my first Comparative Politics lecture to come and rescue you."

"Comparative Politics?" Daniel asked, with his raised eyebrows showing his disbelief.

"Yeah. Working on a degree."

"No Air Force Academy?"

"Not this time around. Still planning on coming back to the SGC, but only as a civilian. Working on a political science degree, figured it'd be useful to be a little more diplomatic."

Daniel sat up slowly and twisted to face Jon as he asked, "You? Want to be a diplomat?"

"Hey, I, well he, was a great diplomat. Just ask anyone."

Daniel chuckled. "I don't know if I would exactly call that diplomacy." He noticed that the other members of the SGC were no where in sight and asked, "Where is everyone?"

"After I figured out how to open that damn door, we pulled you out. I sent the rest of them back to base camp once I saw you breathing okay and waking up. I figured you didn't need a crowd. They're letting the SGC know you're safe and sound."

"Thanks. I feel so stupid getting locked in like that. Just out of curiosity, what would you have done if you couldn't make the door work?"

Jon undid a flap on his vest, "C-4. Never leave home without it."

Daniel chuckled again. "So much for diplomacy."

Jon stood and offered Daniel a hand getting up. Daniel's confusion knew no bounds when Jon didn't let go of his hand right away after Daniel climbed to his feet. And his eyes flew to Jon's when he felt Jon's thumb gently stroke his.

The eyes that met Daniel's were old. Old and full of regrets and missed opportunities. But there was also a spark of something else Daniel had lost sight of along the way: hope.

Jon swallowed hard and when he spoke it was with Jack's voice. "I'm not joining the Air Force because as a civilian, even though I'll have to play by their rules to work at the SGC, I won't have to live by their rules. Are you with me?"

Daniel nodded, not quite sure what to say. He was trying to process in his own mind what he saw on Jon's face, and in his eyes. It was an odd combination of young and old, familiar yet strange. He wanted to define his sudden vertigo as simply a remnant of his oxygen deprivation, but it wasn't. It was Jon very deliberately stepping closer, and putting himself in Daniel's space. And as his lips came within a hair's breath of Daniel's, Jon whispered, "Because as a civilian I can do this, and there isn't a damn thing they can say about it," before pressing his mouth to Daniel's.

The kiss was everything Daniel had ever hoped it would be and it held the promise of so much more yet to come. When they broke Daniel saw something else in Jon's eyes: a sliver of fear. Daniel somehow knew that Jon was afraid that because he wasn't Jack that Daniel wouldn't want him. But Daniel knew the cold hard reality in that moment, that even if Jack were to retire and become a hermit at his cabin, the code that he lived by would still govern his life without exception. Without exception even for Daniel. But Jon had made a conscious choice to avoid that fate, to allow himself to be completely his own person, beholden to none. And Jon was opening a door and inviting Daniel in to be part of that, to share in something open and honest without fear or shame. Daniel didn't hesitate, and taking Jon's face in his hands he gently stroked Jon's cheeks with his thumbs, trying to convey with his eyes that he got it, got it all. And when he saw the understanding click in Jon he bent his head and kissed him deeply.

With a groan Jon finally pulled away, and not so casually reached down and adjusted himself. "Good thing BDU's are baggy." And at the look of amusement on Daniel's face Jon just rolled his eyes. Nineteen year old libido, indeed.

They slowly walked back to base camp, halfway between the pod and the gate. Jon told Daniel that he had been asked by the SGC to stick around for a couple of days if the pod had remained intact after rescuing Daniel. They figured it would be safer to have him close by while Daniel studied the pod to avoid any repeat of the days events.

Before they got to base camp Jon mentioned casually, "So, I was thinking this hour hike is a pain. I don't see why we couldn't drop a tent in the clearing near the pod and save ourselves the walk for the next couple days."

Daniel glanced at Jon and could see the little smirk playing at the corners of his mouth, and he played along. "It would definitely save time."

Later that night Daniel lay on his back with his arms wrapped around Jon who was sprawled on top of him. They had behaved themselves. There were others in tents close by and though he and Jon were not going to hide their relationship, they weren't going to broadcast it for the masses either. And as he drifted off towards sleep Daniel thought about his "to do" list again, and realized something. That all he had ever wanted with any of them was a one time thing, except Jon. His little fantasies about Jon had been added to here and there, and he finally figured out why he allowed himself to do that. It was because Jon was not Jack. He was the Jack Daniel had always wanted, a Jack that was free and unfettered. The top and bottom of his list, in essence the same, yet so very not.

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the end.