Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter or its characters.
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Everyone knows about Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But no one knows about Hogwarts Rehabilitation Center of Drug Addiction and Sexuality. And that's where our story begins.
Hogwarts rehab center of drug addiction and sexuality was, as you can guess, a rehab center. But it was also a boarding school for those with drug and sexual problems. It was a school for those who either have nowhere to go in life, whose parents are dead or don't love them, or who are just REALLY messed up.
So on his first day of his sixth grade, instead of going to a normal middle school, 11-year-old Harry Pothead was on the train headed to his first year at Hogwarts. The only available place on the train was next to a nerdy redhead named Ronald Weasley.
"So what are you in here for?" asked Harry.
"What do you mean?" Ron asked in a sickeningly sweet voice, "You sound like we're going to prison."
"Well, rehab's not much better."
Ron's eyes widened. "Wait… Isn't this the train to Gooberstein's Academy of Computer Engineering?"
"No, you idiot, we're going to Hogwarts. How did you get committed? You get hooked on the antidepressants from your mommy's medicine cabinet," Harry asked, annoyed.
"NOOOOO!!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO-"
Getting really pissed off and even more annoyed, Harry suddenly snatched up Ron by the sleeve of his shirt and bitch-slapped him.
"Quiet, sweet tang! Now shut that pussy-ass mouth of yours before Uncle Harry really gives you something to squeal about!!"
Harry then threw him back into his seat. Ron just sat there, trembling in the corner. Their awkward silence was interrupted as their compartment door slid open and a young 11-year-old girl in a skintight dress walks in.
"Hello," she said in a seductive voice, "My name is Granger, Heroin Granger."
"Wow," said Harry, "Interesting name. How'd you get it? If you really live up to it, then you're the prettiest smack addict I've ever seen."
"My dad was a male prostitute who had a one-night stand with my mom. She was a heroin addict but now she is a scientologist. Now I'm on my way to rehab. I think you can put the pieces together."
She sat down on the seat next to the shivering Ron. Heroin glanced at him, and then back at Harry asking, "What the hell is wrong with him?"
"Uh… withdrawal. Yeah, withdrawals."
"So," she continued. "What did they bust you for?"
"Eh, my aunt and uncle sent me here 'cause I used to lay around the house and smoke pot all day."
Heroin reached forward and slapped him across the face.
"Pot! POT!! You pussy! I used to suck dicks for coke!!"
She sits back down as Harry rubs his face with a surprised expression on his face
"Sorry," she said. "I also have a touch of Tourette's."
"A touch, eh?"
There is a period of silence between them.
"Yes," she repeats, brushing his leg. "A touch."
Then she recrosses her legs, showing Harry she is not wearing any underwear. But before anyone can make a move, the train stops. Harry and Heroin head to the door. Harry sees Ron still huddling in the corner.
"Come on, cocksucker. Get your nerdy ass off the train."
He proceeds to drag him off the train to start their first year at Hogwarts.