A TYPICAL LACRYMAN DAY By Kondoru

Standard Disclaimers.

Inspired...at least in part, by Monty Python.

First time I have ever done anything in script form, so the punctuation is not really up to my normal standard.

The scene is a barren land; the wind soughs despondently though the rubble and dead trees. the only signs of life is the cawing of the crows.

Two figures emerge from behind a huge boulder; they are dressed in black robes their bodies hung with a miscellany of beat up and probably not functional camera equipment and binoculars. The smaller of the two labours under a tiny film camera with a telephoto lens as long as he is tall. He appears to have purple braids poking out from under his hood.

The tall one is very thin. He has a huge blonde quiff sticking out like a birds beak. Blue eyes stare in complete and utter insanity.

Little one puts down his bags and the lanky one unfolds a rickety tripod and after a few false starts, manages to get it to stand reasonably firmly on the rubble strewn ground.

The small one mounts a hand cranked camera on top.

Tobi; (Smiling) "all in place."

Atori; "this job as ornithologist is the suckiest you have ever dragged me into" (accusingly)

Tobi; "well, it is a big improvement on farm labourer."

Atori; "and whose fault was that? I suggested a nice cushy job feeding the squigs on a squig farm. but no, you roped me into shovelling shit on that stupid mushroom field." (spits in disgust)

Tobi; (sniffs) "A magic mushroom field! yes, it was grim, two months spent up to our knees in sewerage ...Remember I'm closer to the smell than you are, Atori."

Atori; "yes, and getting evicted from the Henhouse while we were doing that job! Having to rent space in an Uptown bunkhouse."

Tobi; "but we managed to save a fortune by renting just one bunk."

Atori looks at Tobi with evident disgust.

Tobi ignores that, instead fiddling with his camera.

Atori; "and then those nice young Nipponese ladies in the bunk across from ours (I wonder how they all squeezed into one tiny bunk?) started drawing an Atori and Tobi doujinshi..."

Tobi; (getting out a reel of film) "don't remind me, you objected."

Atori; (smiling) "it wasn't me who gave them a good hiding, and it wasn't me who ended up in the monastery penal level."

Tobi; (snappish) "don't remind me of that either."

Atori; "oh ,but I will, dear Tobi."

Tobi grunts in warning.

Atori; "Yes, I found it very pleasant to be on the other side of the Forcefield for once."

Tobi snorts and starts digging in his bag.

Atori stands back, a slight smile on his thin lips. Suddenly he looks up.

Atori; "No!"

Tobi looks to the sky to see what Atori has seen.

Tobi; (calling up his PC.) "Shangrila Approaches! "

Atori; (frowning) "Is that allowed?"

Tobi; (hitting him with his vintage Hasselblad.) "Of course you idiot! its in the script!"

Atori; (hitting Tobi back,) "What script? I thought this was a Quantum Reality...Anything can happen. (He picks up Tobi by the scruff and begins to choke him.) The whole point of a Quantum Reality is there is no script! You do as you please!"

Tobi; (whimpering) "Well, in theory...Atori, don't pull my braids please!"

Atori; (dropping Tobi) "Its in the Script. (he grins) Atori beats Tobi and pulls his braids like the girly he is."

They both turn round, to see the Ouroboros materialise in the sky, Reality warping to a great portal.

Atori; "look!"

Tobi; "What the?"

The gate shimmers and clears, revealing a green landscape of waving grass, topped with blue sky.

Tobi; (foaming at the mouth) "Alien Environment! Invasive Species! Damage to the Lacryman Ecology! Horrors!"

Atori; "Well I think it looks rather pretty...They must have an awful lot of Ecologists to keep their environment pristine like that."

Tobi; (rounding on his blonde pal.) "You know full well what this means?"

Atori; "You will get another research grant from the Environmental Dept?"

Tobi; (Dancing.) "Yes!"

They join hands and skip about.

A Destructor emerges from the gate.

Tobi; (eyes bugging out) "It's a Shangrilan Search and Destroy bird! I didn't know they grew that big! (gestures) Atori get and film it! This is a unique opportunity!"

Atori gets behind the camera and starts to crank (Never mind its set for Tobis height)

Tobi; "Fantastic!"

Fukuro, Karasu and Kosagi emerge from out of the dust cloud and fly high above the Destructor.

Atori; (jumping up and down, and taking the camera with him.) "Look! look! its some Lacryman birds!

Tobi; they are about to defend their territory from the intruder!"

Tobi gets out a hand held camera and begins to film.

Atori; (smiling) "Glad it's not us on defence duty, today, eh?"

The Knights pepper the Destructor with energy bolts. All to no avail. Some hit the ground near where our pair are filming.

Tobi jumps deftly out of the way. Atori is nearly hit by shrapnel.

Tobi; (grabbing camera and continuing to film) "Wow!"

The Destructor fires its lasers. Nowhere near the two...But close enough for them to feel the heat of molten rock.

Tobi "Yikes!"

Karasu breaks though the Destructors force field.

Atori; (Forgetting to crank for a moment) "He's though!"

The Destructor disintegrates, with it taking Karasu. The Ouroboros fades away.

The Two Knights are silent with awe.

Sunset, The two Ecologists have packed away the cameras and are entering the lift that will take them to their dungeon city.

Atori; (Smirking) "we got some great footage, eh, Tobi?"

Tobi; "Poor Karasu. Well, looks like we will get his share of supper."

Atori shakes his head in mock sadness.

The lift slows and halts.

Atori; (cross) "Looks like we will have to teleport down. Several trips with this kit." (groans)

Tobi; "We are on a level."

The lift door hisses open, to reveal a battered and dirty Karasu. He looks like he's been dragged though a black hole backwards. The Knight steps in. The door shuts and they resume their journey.

Tobi; "Ah, Karasu...Mph!"

Atori; (putting his hand over Tobis mouth) "Hi."

Karasu; (wearily looking over the camera cases) "And just what `were` you two doing while `I` was fighting?"

Another book...Not Time Travel but a famous early fantasy. (and one that has generated a lot of fan fic over the years.)

The Night Lands by W H Hodson

As was the fashion in fantasy of that Era, the language is not modern English, but faux 18th century lingo, a matter which has put off many people who might otherwise have liked it. (That and the almost complete lack of dialogue and names...Also The Author Suffers From an Excess of Capital Letters...)

The description of the giant slug is delightfully dreadful.

This book is available online. You will find the link on the Wiki page.