Tears of Joy

By:CrimsonCrome

Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans or anything to do with it.

A/N: I'm experimenting. I haven't watched Teen Titans in a long time and I just know that these characters will be out of character, so please bare that in mind and be merciful. I ask that you please review. If you don't like it, say so, but with kindness. Thank you.

Warning: Deep spiritual outlook. Christian based.

XxX

It's not like I chose this path, or that I wanted it, it was the way I was born. All my life I've had to deal with these emotions and yet – somehow I still want them. It's like a vicious circle in which I am trapped inside of, wanting my freedom, but knowing the devastating cost. Isn't there a way… to control them without having to give them up completely?

"Aw, that's so sad," Beastboy whispered into Raven's ear.

Raven jumped at his voice and snapped down the lid on her laptop. Her sudden surprise sent a lamp flying against the wall. "What are you doing reading over my shoulder?" Her voice was the same as always – without emotion.

"Just seeing what you're writing in your private journal," Beastboy said, while smiling.

"Beastboy, you don't read it, that's why it's private," Raven explained while struggling to control her anger.

"Oh," Beastboy looked very confused for a second and then realized that Raven was staring at him expectantly. "So… what does the rest say?"

Raven slapped a hand to her forehead. "I think you're missing my point." She saved her document then powered down the computer. "Maybe – maybe someday I'll show you."

Beastboy's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Don't count on it," Raven turned and replaced her hood over her head. She went out on the balcony and watched the sunrays fade into the horizon. Darkness was coming.

Beastboy followed her out onto the balcony. "Raven?"

"Yeah," Raven asked, uninterested.

"If you could feel one thing – anything – without blowing something up, what would you choose to feel?" Beastboy asked her, folding his hands behind her back and watching the last of the sun sinking into the sea.

Raven thought a long time, before she answered. "Joy."

Beastboy whipped his head around and looked at her curiously. "Joy? I thought for sure you would say something sappy, like love or being hyper…"

Raven turned toward him and stared at him for a while. "Even though I can't feel emotion, I've always felt pain. It's about time I felt something other than that."

Beastboy looked at her curiously, then smiled. "Yeah."

They were silent, then Beastboy told Raven goodnight and went inside. She lingered behind. For the first time in her life, she was thinking about what they would feel like. She knew – in a sense, but never experienced them. That was what got her the most.

She sighed. There wasn't any room for her in the emotional world. Everyone saw her as dark, plain, easy to forget. What was happiness? Or more importantly joy? Hope? Faith? Even love? She longed for them all. She didn't really care if she couldn't experience love with a "soul mate", but even the love of a friend – or family! Oh, she longed for it.

She saw herself as a fallen angel, wanting to do good, wanting to feel good, but lacking the ability to do so. There was no room for a fallen angel when it came to happiness…

"Ra… ven…" Raven jumped at the voice. It was carried on the wind, deep and firm, but almost – soft. "Rav… en…" it called again.

Confused by this, she looked around for the voice. "Hello?"

It came again, and the voice seemed to wash over her. She felt the warmth of what seemed to be a human breath, plunging her into what she dared not feel.

"Raven… what do you seek?" The voice called out. It was thunderous, loud, booming! She shivered.

"Who are you?" She shouted back, frightened.

"I am that I am, speak unto the Lord your God, the maker of heaven and earth. Ask, and you will receive," the voice said, surrounding her, blowing back her hood and whipping her cape. She was frightened.

"I – I do not know any God," she said plainly.

"That is why I sought you out, my child, my princess. You are a child of the living God, royalty in my house. I know everything there is to know, but you must ask it of me, and believe before I will so freely give unto you," the voice said booming in her ears. Her skin tingled, her heart raced.

"Am I not a sinner? Have I not done wrong? Would you do that for me?" Raven did not believe the words pouring from her mouth. Since when did she believe in providence? Since she started to believe in angels?

"Though you are a sinner, if you repent, I will forget. Though you have done wrong, if you change, I'll bless you. Yes, my child, yes. I will do that for you," the voice was so loud and so overwhelming, that Raven couldn't help but fall to her knees.

Surely she was being tricked, surely this wasn't real, or was it? Since when did God ever have time to talk to someone such as her? She closed her eyes and tried to hide from him.

"Do you fear me?" The voice asked.

"Yes," she whispered.

"I am all powerful and almighty. You may fear me, but know that I will not forsake you. Come, tell me your desires, your angers, your frustrations," his tone had slowly become gentle, comforting.

"I just want –" she whispered, but the voice stopped her.

"Speak to me child, with confidence that you will receive!" She rose and took off her hood.

"Okay," she shouted. "You want me to tell you what I want? I want to feel without blowing something up! I want freedom to live and love and be loved and to give others joy as well as myself! Why can I not be like those who were blessed with emotions?" She cried, shouting at the top of her lungs.

The voice boomed in her ears. "You have spoken to me of your grievances. This trusting in me will bless you for many years to come."

Raven started. She had just screamed at God in anger and frustration, two emotions, and nothing had blown up…

"I know your every thought, I know your every move," the voice called out to her. "If you will ask it of me, you will receive."

Suddenly, she knew what to ask. "Lift this curse from me, please. Let me express my emotions. Let me feel."

The voice was loud and swept across her body with force. She wobbled unstably. "I will bless you with what you want. Go, and rejoice that you were set free from this devil's curse. But know," the voice became soft, "that not all emotions are good. Some will bring you devastation and pain, but I will always be with you. Talk to me when you are ready to deal with these overpowering sensations. I will listen."

The wind picked up and Raven was lifted into the air. She felt warmth and light flood her senses. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed with a new feeling she had never experienced. Her heart was pounding and her lips trembling, her eyes… were wet…

When she opened her eyes, she was standing on the balcony again, tears pouring from her eyes. She looked out over the darkness and suddenly felt alone. She continued to cry… tears of joy. This feeling was unexplainable. She liked it!

When she finally went inside, she stopped and looked in a mirror. Her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes were now sky blue, her hair – blond! Her clothes were now all white… like an angel. She smiled in the mirror and ran down the hallway to Beastboy's room.

He was sitting on a windowsill, looking at the stars.

"Beastboy! Did you hear all of that?" Raven asked, running into the room.

"Hear all of wh- Whoa! Raven! You look amazing! What did you do? Did you dye your hair? Are those contacts?" Beastboy was standing in front of her now, inspecting her. "Hey, I thought blue/black was your colors. What's up with this white clothing?"

"You didn't – You didn't hear anything?" Raven was perplexed, and a little upset. "Beastboy… I can feel."

"What do you mean?" He asked her, truly confused.

"I have emotions!" She cried, joyously.

Beastboy covered his head in alarm. "Yeah, I know! Just keep them under control!"

"No, you don't understand! I can be happy without your head exploding!" Raven shouted, jumping up and down.

Beastboy examined his hands and ran them over his body. "You're right! I'm not blasting into a million green sticky pieces! What happened?"

"I –" Raven didn't know how to explain it. "I don't know – do you believe in God?"

Beastboy turned his head sideways. "God?"

"Yeah," Raven looked at him hopelessly while he shook his head. "Oh, well then… never mind for now."

Beastboy folded and unfolded his hands nervously. "So – can you feel your joy?"

Raven nodded her head, smiling.

He came up to her and stopped, uncertain. "What about this…" he pulled her into his arms and hugged her. She was surprised at first, then closed her eyes and savored the moment.

"How did that make you feel?" Beastboy asked her, staring intently into her eyes.

"Like I'm loved," she whispered.

"Wait –" Beastboy started, throwing her off guard. "Does this mean you don't have your powers anymore?"

Raven gasped. She extended her hands and closed her eyes and tried to lift up a book from the floor. It didn't move. "They're… they are gone."

Beastboy averted his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No –" Raven said simply. "I'm not. I can feel! Oh, I love this so much!" She danced around the room like a crazy person would do and finally ended up having Beastboy join her. And that's how they spent the night. Rejoicing by dancing around together in the room. Dancing with joy.

XxX

A/N: Ack! I know this is really deep and overwhelming for some people but it's the best way I could explain it. Please be merciful if you intend on flaming. If you have any questions be sure to ask. Should I – continue? I'd like feedback please.