The Pissard of Oz
by Mr. Videotapes
1.
Janoy Cresva woke with a fright as his body shook, and he heard the crash of broken metal. He found himself sitting in his car as his crushed vehicle billowed smoke. The acrid smell of sulfur leaked from the broken air bags and mixed with the Sith Lord's own putrid body odor. Janoy shuffled through the piles of empty cups and Burger King receipts that had sloshed around the inside of his car. As he stepped out of the vehicle, he remembered he had been driving with his beloved pug, Godiva. The ugly brown wonder dog yipped at the smelly YouTuber as his master inspected the outside world.
The Sith found himself in a blaze of vivid colors. The trees shone a bright green. The grass sparkled with a magical presence he had never seen before. The car had landed in a small village made of little shacks with pull-up bars, kettlebells, and giant tires scattered everywhere. Janoy's car seemed to have landed from the air and smashed into the ground. The vehicle was completely ruined, which was bad news for Janoy.
The last thing Monkey Prick remembered was filming an Instagram video while on his way to see a catfish. But then... There had been a hurricane warning in effect! The storm had been especially fierce and must have picked up his car. Now he found himself somewhere else.
Not good! Janoy thought. Vehicle broke mean can't make drive to gym for video! Down dumps!
Godiva hopped out of the car and chirped at a pair of legs sticking out from under the smashed car. Janoy came closer for a better look and found a pair of skinny jeans clinging to a pair of frail legs under an Anonymous t-shirt. The body had shaggy, greasy black hair hanging from its crushed rat face.
"You cum again, bebe?" it moaned.
Janoy picked at his asshole through his gym shorts.
A bald head peered up from behind one of the giant tires. Several more heads poked up from behind the shacks and work-out equipment. Seeing the crushed body, the bald man stood up. He was maybe 5'6". His body was toned but not especially muscular.
"He's dead!" the man said, pointing to the shriveled body under Janoy's car. "You killed him!"
"I gotta esplain," Janoy said, "it was just a joke, hue-hue. Just a funny gag."
"No," the manlet said, "you've killed the Wicked Prick of the East! He was an evil rat prick who ruled over us and made us watch his shitty videos. Your car landed on top of him, and you've freed us!"
"Where am I?" Janoy said. "Who are you?"
"My name's Adam." The man grinned. "I'm the mayor of Manlet Land!"
Janoy looked to his beloved pug. "Godiva, I don't think we're in Florida anymore!"
"Manlet Land is a village of Crossfitters devoted to building functional strength by flailing around on pull-up bars and doing stupid shit with large tires. Stick with us, and you're guaranteed to permanently injure ALL of your joints." Manlets began to emerge from corners of the village and crowded around the Sith Lord.
"The Wicked Prick is dead!" they cheered, jumping up and down in burpees of joy. "All hail the Monkey King!"
"I am not a monkey!" Janoy said. While Adam explained the history and benefits of Crossfit, Monkey Prick pulled out his phone and started waving it around. No service. "Can't reach Youtube!" he said, tugging his 'Enjoy the Ment' t-shirt with his teeth. He rubbed his bicep against his head. "No service mean no make video!"
"Service?" Adam said, "there's no electricity in Oz-we only use magic."
"What is Oz?" Janoy fumed. "I need videos so I can get views!"
Adam laughed. "You're in Oz! It's a magical land of fitness enthusiasts. Every year, we prepare for our big bodybuilding show, the Oz Classic."
"Bodybuilding show?" Janoy said.
"Yes," Adam said, "only the most serious competitors can enter and claim the title. It's a really big deal around here."
"You think if I win the Oz Classic, I'll get a lot of views?" Janoy said, flexing his bicep and rubbing it with his hand.
"Again, we don't have electricity in Oz, so we can't record you with your phone."
"I can help!" a voice called from above.
The manlets stared in awe at the sky as a large bubble of frothy piss descended from the sky and landed. A man with short black hair, a worn out black shirt, and work out gloves popped out. He held a glowing translucent orb in his hand and aimed it at the Sith Lord.
"I'm Andrew," he said, "the Sweet Prince of the North. I can watch over you and record your actions with my crystal ball. We can put it on OzTube, and you're sure to get many, many views!"
"Must win Oz Classic!" Janoy said. "Where is?"
"We're seven weeks out from the Oz Classic," Adam said. Adam looked over Janoy's flabby physique. "To win, you'd need some serious coaching. I could do the job and get you the leanest you've ever been if you want. You just need to do a lot of cardio."
Janoy scowled at the thought of hard work. "Pass! Who else can train me for Oz Classic?"
Adam thought a minute. "I know who! If you want to get ripped fast, you need to see The Wizard!"
The manlets shuddered in awe. "The Wizard..."
"Who The Wizard?" Janoy asked. He shoved his hand into the back of his shorts and tugged at his underwear. A horrible stench wafted from his undercarriage.
"There's a very wise powerlifter who lives a long way from here. They say he ran a steroid lab in college and helped athletes pass drug tests. He's a huge success on OzTube and surely has the informative content to get you in shape. You'd win the Oz Classic for sure!"
"How find?!" Janoy squealed.
Adam waved his hand at the road below them. A trail of neat brick trailed off into the horizon. The path was soaked with a smelly brownish-yellow liquid. "Just follow the piss-stained road!"
"Go ahead," the Sweet Prince of the North said, "I'll record your adventure every step of the way!"
"Bro, I gotta tell you something," Janoy said to Andrew. "Don't record, no crystal ball."
Andrew tapped his crystal ball, and it dimmed.
"Okay, it's off," the Sweet Prince of the North said. "What is it?"
"I'm lookin' lean, bro," Janoy said.
The Sweet Prince tapped his crystal ball on. "Just shut up and get out of here."
2
Janoy made his way down the piss-stained road with Godiva yipping at his feet. The Sith rarely did cardio and had a lot of delusions about his physique, so he mostly waddled with his arms held out as if he had huge lats. It was a long journey, and after twenty minutes of brisk walking, he was soon exhausted. As he trudged along panting, Janoy came upon a group of young bodybuilders in the 18-35 age demographic. Looking closer, he saw they were laughing and prodding a saggy figure tied to a post. The man on the post was held together by knee wraps, and his body stuffed with fast food and donuts from various eating challenges. He had a trim beard and black baseball cap that he never took off. To the side, one of the men smashed a drone with a baseball bat.
The young bodybuilders were trolls, eager to harass a weakling like the man on the post. The knee-wrapped figure sighed as they tormented him with chants of "Order 66" and called him a tranny.
Janoy didn't give a shit about anyone but himself, but he noticed that the knee-wrap man on the post had a coupon for Burger King tucked in his belt. The Sith lumbered over as fast as he could and shooed away the trolls. The young men scattered back to Fitmisc, Monkey Prick RAW, and /r/thedelraymisfits as Godiva nipped at their heels. Janoy yanked down the wailing OzTuber from the post, eager to grasp the coupon in his meaty clutches. Before he could grab the slip, the knee-wrap figure stumbled forward.
"Thank you for saving me from those trolls," the shambled man said.
"Who are?" Janoy asked.
"I'm the Scare Nate," he said. "I'm an OzTuber who does fitness and eating challenges. I'm trying to get a following, but all I attract are trolls." Scare Nate sagged to his knees and looked down. "My joints are held together by wraps, so I'm not very strong."
"Listen bro," Janoy said, "are you going to use that coupon? I need it to, uh... Get water."
"I want to make a name for myself on OzTube," the Scare Nate said, "but I can't attract a serious fan base. If only I had a personality..."
"Bro," the Sith said, "I need that... water. I'm on long journey to see The Wizard. He famous OzTube celery, get lots of views and help me win Oz Classic."
"The Wizard?" Scare Nate said. "Is he really that famous on OzTube?"
"Lots and lots of views. I get views too if I win. I gonna go ask for his training to help me."
"If he has a lot of views on OzTube," the knee-wrapper said, "maybe he can give me a personality!"
"About that coupon, bro..."
"How do we find him?" Scare Nate asked.
"Easy," Janoy said, "he's at the Emerald City Gym. We follow the piss-stained road to get there."
Scare Nate crawled on his wraps to the side of the brick path. Janoy began picking at his asshole again as he chewed the collar of his shirt. Scare Nate wobbled up, slipping and falling before finally standing. A normal person would have helped Scare Nate, but, again, Janoy didn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
"Piss on down..." Scare Nate paused and got closer. "Piss on..." Scare Nate stepped onto the sticky yellow brick. "...down the road!" Scare Nate froze as Janoy approached from behind. "Come on, Janoy! Don't you fuck no tranny...who might blow your load!" Scare Nate jumped to attention. "Come on and piss on down the road!" Scare Nate giggled and hopped in the air. Janoy reached his companion, and Scare Nate spun around as a funky beat appeared from nowhere. Godiva took a shit, then turned around and started eating the shit.
The pair made their way down the piss-stained road while Scare Nate sang along with the music.
(to the tune of "Ease on Down the Road", listen here: /1BPZtqO)
"Come on and piss on down, piss on down the road,
Come on, piss on down, piss on down the road,
Don't you fuck no tranny who might blow your load,
Come on, piss on down, piss on down, down the road!
Turn on your phone, touch your mushroom cap,
Bring in a tranny, give her ass a tap,
You just keep on pushin', up your ass with your fist,
Don't you cheat on your diet, by eatin' nasty brefiss!
Come on, piss on down, piss on down the road..."
After Scare Nate finished the first two verses, Knuckle-Deep stopped him.
"Off camera," Janoy said, "I gotta tell you something."
"Sounds serious," Scare Nate replied.
"I'm lookin' lean, bro."
3
Scare Nate and Janoy made their way down the piss-stained road and soon arrived at an area flush with trees. Along the way Janoy stared at his phone, now enchanted so that it could reach Oztagram Live. The Sith Lord repeated the same line to himself over and over.
"I'm goin' to see The Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard. The Wizard's gonna be training me. We're gonna go see The Wizard..."
Scare Nate started to get frustrated until they saw an orchard of apple trees. Despite Janoy's natural aversion to fruit, he was very hungry, and with no Burger King in sight, an apple would have to do. The Sith Lord holstered his phone and waddled over to the nearest tree. It was a gnarly older tree with a dark leathery tan from years in the sun. Its surface rippled with aged muscular bark.
Janoy snatched an apple with his grubby paws and yanked it from the tree. Before Janoy could shove the fruit into his fat dick-sucking lips, a branch reached down and grabbed his wrist. A face appeared among the wrinkled tree bark.
"I wanna have a talk with you," the tree said. "Just now, my apple was on my branch and it was grabbed by you, and you were doing shit to it that I don't fucking like, and I don't want you fucking doing that anymore."
Janoy coiled back.
"You know I'm fucking pissed off," the tree continued, "because I find out it's fucking you doing dirty things to my apple. I mean, I don't want to fucking tear your throat out and pour sap down your neck. I'll fucking cut you up and dump you in the Forbidden Forest. Don't fucking do it again; I don't want you touching my fucking apples. I'm not fucking around."
"Please, sir?" Scare Nate said. "We're really hungry."
"Oh, you wanna be a tough guy, eh?" the apple tree said. "Fine, you'll get some fucking apples!"
The tree and its friends began plucking their apples and throwing them at the pair with their immense old tree strength. Janoy got pegged in the head as he and Scare Nate scrambled away, but he didn't care about injuries because they were freaks. The potato duo crawled back behind a bush on their hands and knees as Godiva followed and barked.
Breathing heavily because of his lack of cardio, Janoy spied one of the apples further into the forest. With his monkey tummy grumbling a fearsome roar, the Sith Lord wormed his way through the grass to reach the juicy fruit. Scare Nate followed as Janoy found the apple. As he reached for it, Janoy noticed a hardened brown foot next to the fruit. The foot was rusted with bronzer and calcified from years of steroid abuse. The Monkey Prick tapped the foot with his fist and it rang out, indicating a tense, hardened mass. Janoy and Scare Nate followed the foot upward along a thin leg to see pair of brown posing trunks overshadowed by a swollen bronze gut. The figure's stomach was hard and bulbous, bulging over the rest of the body, and smelling of tranny sweat. Janoy and Scare Nate rose as they reached the figure's shiny round head, which was hairless and fixed in a smile revealing its bright ivory teeth. The man had a bronze funnel on his head. Janoy checked the tag in the back of the man's trunks. It said his name was Leonard.
"What do you think he is?" Knee-wrap rubbed his chin. "His name is Leonard, so that makes him the Len Man!"
Janoy paid no attention to Scare Nate and felt up his own abs before reaching in his shorts to scratch his stinky mushroom cap. "Don't care. Need views."
Suddenly, the bronzed hulk let out a groan. Scare Nate jumped back, but Janoy was too busy feeling himself up to notice. The Len Man's jaundiced yellow eyes bugged out and swiveled around at the sight of the two travelers. Spittle filtered through his clenched teeth as he mumbled over and over.
"Sterros!" the Len Man moaned. "STERROOOSS!"
"What do you think he's saying?" Scare Nate said.
"You think winning the Oz Classic will get me lot of views?" Janoy asked. "I gonna be a big time celery when I win."
"STERROSS!"
The Len Man's eyes rolled to the side and jerked towards a beat-up ogre shack behind him. The worn-down building ran parallel to the piss-stained road and was hidden among the emerging forest. The shack's broken door hung wide open, revealing a muddy tile floor and piles of burnt food, magazines and trash stacked all over its small hallway. A giant white hose led in into the bathroom and hooked into the air conditioner. A rusty bicycle lay on the street next to it.
"STERROSSS!" The Len Man's eyes pointed to the kitchen through the front entrance.
"He's looking at that fridge!" Scare Nate said, flopping over to the building.
Janoy didn't move, still busy with his self inspection. He could see himself in the reflection on the Len Man's teeth. Soon, Janoy could not look away as he became captivated by his own image like a pudgy Narcissus.
Knee-wrap opened the stinky refrigerator and found a vial of clear liquid and a pile of used syringes on the first shelf.
"He must be saying 'steroids'!" Scare Nate said. "Quick, we need to inject him!"
"I'm gonna get so many views, bro."
The fast food-guzzling OzTuber took the steroids and ran back to the Len Man. Scare Nate plunged the needle into the bottle and filled the syringe. Steroids in hand, he pricked Len Man's jaw with the needle and gave a few quick pumps before switching to the other side. The bronze behemoth grunted as he wrenched his jaw back and forth. It loosened enough for him to speak.
"Thank Christ you ugly cookie cutters came along," Len Man said. "I've been stuck in this pose forever!" He looked down to the rest of his body. "If you could finish up the rest of me."
"Of course!" Scare Nate began pricking Len Man's various joints, pumping cc's of vigorous chemicals into the bodybuilder's bulging body. The Len Man jerked his neck back and forth to loosen it before wiggling his arms free.
"What happened to you?" Scare Nate asked.
"I forgot my gear," the Len Man said, "I've worked my body so hard that most of it has calcified over the years. If I don't inject myself regularly, I'll start locking up. As for the funnel on my head, I stick the spout in my mouth and have women pee in it, so I can get the hormones."
Len Man rolled his shoulder joint and wiggled his nose in a sniff. He fired a snot rocket out of his nostril that splattered onto Scare Nate's forehead. The bland OzTuber wiped it away and said nothing, terrified of the larger man. Scare Nate finished pumping the joints on Len Man's hips and began to move down.
"Where are you going?" Len Man said.
"I-uh-I'm going to finish your knees," Scare Nate stammered.
"You can't go lower before you finish where you are."
"Um... I, um, I'm done with your hips."
"There's more." Len Man's glowing yellow eyes burned into Scare Nate's very existence. "You gotta reach into my trunks first..."
"Janoy?" Scare Nate called out.
"So many views, bro," Monkey Prick muttered to himself. "Begin purge the Jedi temple; Sith will rise!" Janoy began picking at his ass crack again.
"Okay..." Scare Nate whimpered. He cringed as he reached into Len Man's warm, crusty posing trunks. His fingers felt around for a few moments. "Where... Where do I inject?"
"Oh, it doesn't need an injection." Len Man sniffed and wiggled his nose. "Okay, finish up my legs."
Scare Nate's eyes welled with tears as he obeyed. He would tell Grandma about this horrific experience.
"Where are you maniacs headed?" Len Man asked.
"I'm gonna be goin' to the gym this morning," Janoy said. "I'm gonna be competing in the Oz Classic."
"The Oz Classic?" Len Man lifted his right quad and swung his lower leg back and forth. "I was training for that myself before I rusted up. I think I'll enter too!" Len Man's face crinkled into a vicious snarl. "That'll show Dale."
Knee-wrap's face streamed with tears.
"That's enough, insect!" Len Man snapped.
Scare Nate pulled back and cowered next to a bush.
"What do you want to win for?" Len Man asked Janoy.
"Make lots views for OzTube!" Janoy beamed with pride. "Make a star!"
"That's a good reason, I guess," Len Man said. "Me, I was in love with a beautiful girl, and I wanted to win to prove myself to her."
"Padme?!" Janoy said.
"No, this girl is the most beautiful woman in the world. Her name is Christina Broccolini, and I'd do anything for her. If only I knew where to find her..." Len Man sniffed and lurched forward in a stiff walk, loosening up as he started to sing:
"When a man's a chocolate golem,
His gut, it gets so swollen,
His liver is a mess...
Well, I may be just a dreamer,
But I could be with Christina,
If I just knew her address..."
Len Man shuffled back and forth into a jaunty dance. He pounded on his legs, then his chest, but instead of shooting smoke out of his funnel, he bent over and vomited. A thick viscous mixture of pre-workout and chewed bits of flank steak splattered all over the road before he straightened up.
"Song's over," he said, wiping the puke off his lips, "so what's your training regimen? You need any of the good stuff?"
"We're gonna go train at the Emerald City Gym," Janoy said. "We're gonna go see The Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard. The Wizard's gonna be training me."
"The Wizard, huh?" Len Man said. "This Wizard can really help you win?"
"The Wizard knows everything," Scare Nate mumbled between sobs, "he's a great power lifter and a famous OzTuber. He's gonna make Janoy lean and help me get a personality for my channel."
"If the Wizard can do all that," Len Man said, "do you think he could get me Christina Broccolini's address?"
"Absolutely," Scare Nate said, "what do you want her address for?"
"Oh nothing," Len Man said, his snout wiggling, "just gonna stop by. Wait till it's dark, and everyone leaves. No cameras, no one around. Just me and Christina..."
"Then what?" Scare Nate said.
"I'm..." Len Man sniffed. "I'm gonna, uh, ask for her autograph. Yeah."
A large hairy animal drove down the road in a postal truck. The mail creature stopped at Len Man's shack and stuffed a wad of papers into the already full mailbox. He was a large grey wolf man with a tribal tattoo on his upper arm. The wolf stopped when he spotted the trio.
"Hey, Len Man," the wolf said "who are these lazy fucks?"
"This is Janoy and Scare Nate," Len Man said. The round giant turned to Janoy and pointed at the creature. "This is the Big Brad Wolf. He's the mailman for the Forbidden Forest."
"I'm an OzTube celery slash bodybuilder," Janoy said. "We're gonna be going to the Emerald City Gym. We're gonna go see The Wizard." Janoy began to drool as he repeated himself yet again. "The Wonderful Wizard. The Wizard's gonna be training me. I'm gonna be competing in the Oz Classic."
"You're in the Oz Classic?" the Big Brad Wolf said. "How are you gonna win? You're just a delusional fatass. And what kind of dipshit calls himself 'The Wizard'?"
Scare Nate used one of his wraps to dab away his tears. "The Wizard is the real deal!"
"Yeah," Len Man said, "he's gonna give Scare Nate a personality and get me Christina Broccolini's address."
"Jesus Christ," the Wolf said, "you and that Christina chick again? She's never gonna talk to you-you know that, right?"
"Wizard's gonna make it happen." Len Man sniffed. "You want anything from The Wizard? Courage?"
"Fuck no!" the Big Brad Wolf said. "No fucking wizard can give you courage or make this lazy piece of shit lean! This is all some stupid bullshit this retard has you believing!" The Wolf got back in his truck and looked out the window. "Emerald City Gym is on my delivery route. I might as well drive you and see for myself. Just don't let Monkey Prick get his stink on my mail."
Janoy, Scare Nate, and Godiva hopped into the mail truck. The Wolf drove down the piss-stained road as Len Man followed on his bicycle.
Scare Nate stuck his head out the window as they drove. The funky music returned:
"Piss on down, piss on down the road,
Come on, piss on down, piss on down the road,
Don't you fuck no tranny who might blow your load,
Come on, piss on down, piss on down, down the road!
Cause there may be times, when there ain't no juicy ments,
And you keep on watchin', just to keep up with events,
But that piss you're drinkin' might smell strong sometimes,
You just keep on sippin', and you'll be just fine!
Piss on down, piss on down the road..."
Len Man sniffed. "Sounds like porch monkey music. Not a fan."
4.
The trip to Emerald City gym was mostly uneventful. At first, Scare Nate tried to sing another verse of his song, but Len Man and the Wolf wouldn't have it. They passed a field of poppies that makes people fall asleep, but Len Man was full of so many drugs already that it had no effect, so he put his bicycle in the back of the truck and pulled the truck through the field with his teeth.
The crew woke up as Len Man dragged the vehicle into a strip shopping center. The Emerald City Gym was a green concrete building centered between a Jamba Juice and a Stein Mart. The Oz Post Office was at the end of the strip, so the Wolf parked his truck and the Oz Misfits got out. Our heroes entered the gym. A young man with a buzz cut and mild physique stood behind the front desk wearing a green polo shirt.
"Hi, may I help you?" he asked.
"We're here to see The Wizard!" Scare Nate said.
"Who the hell is that?"
"He's a famous OzTuber," Janoy said. "Get mellon views, big, big celery in the Oz fitness community."
"Oh..." The front desk guy frowned. "Yeah, there's some OzTube guy who trains here. Listen, he's no problem."
"No, we want to see him," Scare Nate said, "he's going to get Janoy lean and get me a personality!"
"And Christina," Len Man said, "don't forget the Goddess."
"He's down the hallway in the back. You need to buy a guest pass to go inside."
Each member of the group paid for a pass except Janoy who said he forgot his wallet and eventually pressured Scare Nate into paying for him. The front desk clerk pointed to a masculine woman with blue hair sitting on a bench in the corner. She had a strong manly jaw and square fridge-like body with large shoulders.
"That's The Wizard's female girlfriend," the receptionist said.
Len Man sniffed the air. "That's no girl. I know a tranny when I smell one."
Janoy scratched his asshole and sniffed his finger before rubbing his hair with his forearm.
"She's fucking hideous," the Wolf said. "Why does her hair look like that?"
"She a stylist or something and constantly changes her hair. She's the whore of a different color." The front desk guy turned back to his computer. "She'll lead you to The Wizard."
The group followed the whore down the dimly lit path as her hair changed to bright red and then to green. They entered a dark chamber with a large blank screen in the back. The whore of a different color slumped down in the corner and mumbled, "I wish I had some meth."
"Hello?" Scare Nate called out, "Mr. Wizard?"
"Where's Christina?" Len Man shouted.
A puff of flames shot up from below the screen as the back wall lit up. It showed a bald man with a green beard and glasses sitting at a table in front of a cauldron. He had various small objects aligned on the table and held a purple cone-shaped hat with stars on it. The man wore a black shirt with a snake printed on it and the caption "Fuck your wand free zone." His sleeves were pinned back, pushing out his biceps.
The entire room rumbled.
"Hey everybody, The Wizard here," the man on the screen said as another plume of flames burst from the floor. "Now a subscriber asked me a question, 'Can eating pixie meat count as my main source of protein?'" The Wizard stroked the hat in his hand. "Let me put on my plus five hat of looking like a complete jackass, do a little bit of witch-crafting, and let's talk about this." The Wizard put on his plus five hat and stirred his cauldron. "Now many people don't know this, but pixie meat is a good source of magic." The Wizard picked up an eye of newt, jingled it next to his ear, and dropped it into the cauldron before stirring once. "The snake-oil salesmen in the sorcery industry want you to believe that you need their potions to get the required in-take, but pixie meat is a perfectly good natural source."
"Excuse me," Scare Nate said.
"WHO DARES INTERUPT ME?!" The Wizard's voice boomed.
"We wanted your help, sir..." Scare Nate said. "My friend Janoy here needs to get lean to compete in the Oz Classic. With your great wisdom and many subscribers, I was hoping you could get me a personality."
"I've made it very clear in the past that I don't take part in challenges from other OzTubers, and I don't offer personal training," The Wizard declared, stirring his pot. "Most people don't know this, but I actually run two channels: a fitness channel and a sorcery channel. You can find plenty of informative content on either."
"Cut the shit and give me Christina!" Len Man said.
"Whoa!" The Wizard turned and held his hand forward. "You need to back up; you're getting too close!" The Wizard fumbled with the back of his shirt for a solid five seconds before grasping his wand. The screen then jump-cutted to The Wizard having his wand drawn. "I deem your words a deadly threat, and under Oz state law, I am legally justified in drawing my wand and firing a spell." The Wizard sneered. "I trained at The Farm at Hogwarts. Those of you who know what that is, know what that means."
"Not in the AM, bro," Janoy moaned.
"I told you this guy was full of shit," the Wolf said. "Let's get out of here."
"We don't mean any disrespect, sir!" Scare Nate stammered, "it's just, we've come a very long way to see you. Is there anything we could do to change your mind?"
The Wizard holstered his wand and looked down at Janoy. He licked his lips. "You could send me a picture of your penis, little guy..."
"Do I gotta?" Janoy whined. "Do I really gotta show the dick?" The Sith shrugged and reached into his shorts. "It's pretty big for a bodybuilder."
The Wolf slapped Janoy. "Stop it, you retard." He turned to The Wizard. "Is there anything else you want?"
"Well..." The Wizard said, "there is something you could retrieve for me..." He dropped a rodent's skull into the cauldron and stirred. "You see, the other side of Oz is ruled by The Wicked Prick of the West. She has a very... intriguing object. Bring me her big purple dildo, and I'll consider helping you." The Wizard smiled and leaned back. "It'll feel so good up my-I mean, help me with magic."
"That's it?" Scare Nate asked. "A dildo?"
"I want views now!" Janoy demanded.
"THE WIZARD HAS SPOKEN!" Flames burst from all direction. "RETRIEVE THE DILDO OR FACE MY WRATH!"
"Let's get out of here!" Scare Nate said, scrambling for the exit.
"Fine," the Wolf grumbled, "we'll get the goddamned dildo."
The whore of a different color started to drool and mumbled "I'm a fuckin' painting" in her sleep. Scare Nate ran out of the room while the wolf walked and the two bodybuilders shuffled on their stiff legs. Godiva took a shit on the whore's leg and followed.
5.
The Oz Misfits continued west to the Wicked Prick's condo. The trail led them through a haunted forest of twisted trees and leering crows. The group was on edge.
Len Man leaned forward, mumbling "I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do. I do believe in spooks."
"What do you mean by 'spooks'?" Scare Nate asked. "Like ghosts?"
"No," Len Man said, "'spook' is another name for blacks. You know: spooks, shines, coons, porch monkeys. This looks like the rough side of town."
Suddenly, the Misfits heard a loud cawing. They looked up to see a swarm of winged creatures descending from the sky. The beasts were old Jewish Men with mustaches and covered with chest hair. The creatures let out a terrifying laugh that frightened the Misfits.
"HA HA HA!"
"Flying Harveys!" Scare Nate screamed as the small hairy men swarmed around them. "The Wicked Prick must have sent them!"
The Flying Harveys had empty soulless eyes that watched the four fitness enthusiasts. Groups of Harveys grabbed each one of the Misfits and cackled as they carried them off into the sky toward a dark and gloomy condo in the horizon. The swarm of Harveys flew through the gated community and into one of the condos. The old Jews dropped their prey into the center of a kitchen. The Misfits stumbled to their feet as the Harveys cawed and cackled. The room had various cooking instruments and pans strung up along the walls. A haggard old woman entered the kitchen from the bedroom. Green wrinkled skin stretched over her wretched scowling face as she put on a black apron and chef's hat. One of the Harveys followed her from out of the bedroom carrying a thick, studded purple object.
"Janoy!" the Wicked Prick said, "there you are. I've been looking all over for you."
"Mother?!" Janoy said.
"I heard that you crashed your car in Manlet Land," Mom Prick said. "I'm taking away your driving privileges!"
"Nooo!" Janoy whined. "Moooom!"
The Wicked Prick poured herself a glass of wine as the Harveys held back the Misfits. Janoy bent over and alternated between moaning and crying.
"Listen, lady," the wolf said, "can we have your dildo? You can keep the retard; I just want to shut these idiots up and go home."
"No," the Wicked Prick said, "I can't part with it. You see, a woman has her needs, and little monkeys like my Harveys need some help now and then." She smiled. "Unless one of you wants to do the job..." The Wicked Prick stroked Scare Nate's chin. "How about it big guy?" Scare Nate cringed and looked down. "No? Then how about everyone gets a turn?!"
Len Man held his crotch with both hands. "I need to piss real bad," the chocolate golem said, "do you have a bathroom or something?"
One of the Harveys led Len Man aside and handed him a metal bucket.
"Thanks, little guy," Len Man said as he dropped his trunks to the floor.
The bronze behemoth aimed his trouser snake while the Wicked Prick berated her prisoners. At first he had some trouble getting started, as his prostate had swollen, but eventually he got a trickle going. It started as a slow drip, but split into two streams before finally going strong all at once.
I wonder what Christina's piss smells like, Len Man thought. He twitched his nose. What am I thinking? She's a goddess, so she obviously doesn't produce waste. I wonder if she needs to bathe? She obviously stays clean at all times, but maybe she does it to relax. Len Man shook out the last few drops. I swear, I'd slit Brad's throat in the street for a teaspoon of Christina's bathwater.
Len Man returned to the group with his full bucket as Mom Prick continued to lecture Janoy.
"You know, it's not easy caring for someone as sloppy as you," she said. "It's been thirty years of constant disappointment and complaining. Always making excuses and asking for things. I've spent most of my life cleaning up after you, and for what?"
Janoy scowled. His left arm tensed into a claw.
Mom Prick cackled. "Now that I have you, I'm getting your power of attorney and your little OzTube money too!"
Janoy gritted his teeth. Unable to take the humiliation any further, the Sith Lord grabbed Len Man's bucket of urine. "STOPPIT! STOPPIT!" he growled as threw the frothy, piping-hot urine at Mom Prick.
The Wicked Prick screamed as her skin sagged and her body started to melt. Her clothes wilted into the floor, and she disappeared.
"Whoa," Scare Nate said, "calm down, bro."
The Harveys gathered around as the Wicked Prick finished melting. The head Harvey took a spatula from the kitchen counter and poked the Wicked Prick's smoldering apron.
"She's dead!" he said. The Harveys howled. "Now we can raid her drug cabinet! Yippee!" The Harveys rushed to the Wicked Prick's bathroom and started popping whatever pills they could find. Soon, a mass of stinking, hairy old men started to pile up as they tripped balls. In all the commotion, Scare Nate noticed they had dropped the dildo.
"Can we have that?" Scare Nate asked one of the Harveys.
"Sure whatever, kid."
"Thanks, guys!" Knee-wrap beamed. "Be sure to like, share, and subscribe if you enjoyed this murder!"
Scare Nate grabbed the old woman's slimy sex toy, and the Misfits were on their way.
6.
The Oz Misfits made their way back to the Emerald City Gym and flashed their day passes to enter. They returned to The Wizard's chamber. The whore of a different color was still asleep in the corner, so Godiva wandered over and started eating the shit from earlier.
Fire blasted in front of the Misfits as The Wizard appeared on screen.
"We've done as you've asked," Scare Nate said. He placed the big purple sex toy on the ground. "We've brought the Wicked Prick's dildo."
"That's all fine and good," The Wizard bellowed. "You may leave now."
"What?!" Janoy snapped. "What about Oz Classic? How am I supposed to make mellon views on OzTube?!"
"And what about Christina?" Len Man said. "You promised!"
"Bring it!" The Wizard lifted a sorcerer's staff from beside his table. "I will fucking end you. Legally, no laws broken."
As The Wizard lectured the Oz Misfits on the finer points of Castle Law, Godiva wandered to the side. The tiny brown pug smelled something foul from behind a curtain, so she began tugging at the cloth. There was someone inside!
"Stop that!" The Wizard said as his eyes darted back and forth.
Godiva fully revealed the man behind the curtain. It was The Wizard, but instead of a masculine sorcerer and fitness expert, he was simply a fat, bald cuck slowly peddling a stationary bike in front of a green screen. His biceps were tiny without his sleeves pinned, and the man was 5' 5" at best.
"Pay no attention to the man in the cuck shed!" the fat man said into the microphone.
The Misfits surrounded The Wizard as he peddled faster and tried to wiggle out of his chair.
"Hey!" Len Man said. "He's not jacked at all!"
"He's just a fat piece of shit," the Wolf said. "Let's kick his ass!"
"Attention all fans!" Janoy said to his phone. "Order 66 The Wizard for not training me!"
"I lied! I lied!" the fat man squawked as he shrunk into the corner. "I'm not a wizard or a fitness expert! I never ran a steroid lab! I just wanted to sound big on the Internet!"
"You owe me a collab," Janoy said. "I'm entitled to it!"
"This is terrible!" Scare Nate said, "how is a fraud like you supposed to help us?"
The fat man wiped away his tears. "W-Well, I might not be a wizard, but I can still help!"
"Oh really," Scare Nate said, "how are you going to get me a personality?"
"For you, Scare Nate," The Wizard said, "you're missing the point. You don't need a personality to succeed on OzTube: you should just marry a woman in a foreign country. That's what I did."
"A woman in a foreign country..." Scare Nate rubbed his chin. "Germany, maybe? That just might work!"
"What about me?" Len Man asked. "I demand Christina!"
"For you, Len Man, I can't give you Christina Broccolini's address," The Wizard stammered, "but I could let you have a turn with my FEE-male girlfriend."
Len Man sniffed. "A good tranny'll do for now."
The chocolate golem walked over and lifted up the whore of a different color. The Wizard's girlfriend took a selfie for Oztagram and posted twenty hashtags including, "#lovemylife" while Len Man carried her to the men's bathroom.
"Can I go home now?" the Wolf asked.
"Just don't look at me..." The Wizard mumbled.
"I've had enough of this shit," the Wolf said.
"What about me?" Janoy said. "I want to win Oz Classic and get views!" Monkey Prick slapped his quad. "Everybody getting something but me!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't help you win a show," The Wizard said.
"Not fair! Down dumps!"
A magical bubble of frothy piss once again descended from above and landed before the Misfits. It was the Sweet Prince of the North.
"Why, Janoy, you've had the power to win a show all along," the Sweet Prince said. "You just need to strip down to your ruby red posing trunks and practice!"
Janoy looked under his gym shorts. He was still wearing his red trunks! The potato stripped off his clothes until he was in nothing but his trunks and tennis shoes.
Monkey Prick put his hand on Scare Nate's shoulder. "There's something I have to say to you, friend-buddy."
"Is it that you'll miss me most of all?"
"I'm lookin' lean, bro."
Janoy began striking his various poses. He hit double bicep, then his side, then his back. Abs. The whole scene began to slowly fade away...
7.
Gideon lurched forward in his bed as he woke and let out a terrible scream. His beloved girlfriend stirred beside him as he clutched his sweating head in his hands.
"What is it, Gideon?" his girlfriend asked.
"The piss... The piss!"
"Oh no!" Gideon's girlfriend frowned. "You had the dream again, didn't you?"
"It was worse than you can imagine," Gideon said. "He was there... And the rest, too... And some guy named Scare Nate I'm not familiar with..."
Gideon's girlfriend put her arms around him. "Don't worry about him! You left that place, those people, all of it behind!"
"It's his eyes..." Gideon shivered. "Those cold black eyes... It's as if they drag you to the deepest darkest pits of hell, but instead of fire and torment, there is only... nothing."
"You've moved on!" Gideon's girlfriend started to cry. "Can't you see that he'll never get to you again!"
Gideon's son wandered down the hall and stood in the doorway.
"Is Daddy going to be okay?" he asked.
Gideon tried to calm himself and be strong for his boy.
"Daddy's fine," Gideon said, forcing a smile, "we're all going to be fine. Daddy just had a bad dream is all."
Gideon consoled his son before his girlfriend took the child back to bed. It was just a dream. A stupid dream. He needed to relax.
Gideon had posted a picture of his family on Facebook earlier, and his phone notified him that there were some comments.
That'll make me feel better, Gideon thought. Just have to think about my family.
He opened his Facebook page and looked at the comments.
Hugh Wot Meight: Pretty big for a bodybuilder
Myron Gaines: Looking good, but not as good as Janoy.
Jadson Cresovinco: You coming to the Ruby this year?
Janoy Giovanni: Upper body blows his away.
The nightmare for Gideon was only just beginning...
Brought to you by Walter Reynolds.
Like the author's fan page on Facebook for future works, updates, and general tomfoolery at:
mrvideotapes
If you would like to reach the author about this book, suggestions, complaints, or his future projects, contact him via his Facebook fan page or his email at:
mrvideotapes