I checked my phone for new messages for the 30th time. Still the same no texts from Ste. His silence was strange .Normally he was constantly calling or texting me checking in on my whereabouts. He hated that I visited Odds & Ends because he thought I fancied shop owner Mark , Ste gave me trouble when he knew I was going to his shop, but today he had let me go without a word.

The silence frightened me. I forced myself to think he was trying to make it up to me and give me a little space. I hoped that was the case, but I had seen a flash of anger in his eyes when I flinched this morning. He had reached out to hug me goodbye as I left to drop Matthew at my mum's, and I had flinched. He looked hurt and offended , and I was quick to apologize and I allowed him to hug and kiss me, but I had flinched and I doubt Ste would forget that. The truth is I never know when he is reaching out to hold me or to hurt me.

Things have been a disaster since we got back together. We weren't split up for long. Our separation was over by summer's end. Ste had begged my forgiveness and pleaded with me to take him back. He promised things would change. It was to go Me and him, the kids second and everyone else last. He was no longer living with Sinead. Ste still spent time with baby Hannah when he wished, but Sinead had moved on to a new love and was no longer interested in Ste. I still loved him and chose to believe him, so I took him back eager to start over.

Things were splendid for a few months. I couldn't have asked for a better husband, and I was excited to have the marriage I had dreamed of. Then things changed. I'm still not certain exactly when or why.

It was little ways at first. Ste would tease me about my "big words and my books" not long after he started to pull away from me . He always had excuses for why we couldn't spend time together, and his " I love yous" became fewer until he didn't say it at all not even in response to me.

I knew he was under stress the restaurant business was slow at the moment, Amy was seeking a new custody arrangement for Leah and Lucas, and there was of course the never-ending drama with his sisters and my family. Not wanting to go back to the way things had been before our separation I figured we just needed some time alone to reconnect as a couple, so I arranged a sitter for Matthew and planned a quiet evening for us. The next morning, on our way to gather Matthew from the sitter's I made the mistake of taking Ste to Odds & Ends.

I had discovered the shop when we were broken up, and for some reason I'd thought he would find the place as charming as I did. I was wrong. He didn't notice the collection of 18th century lamps, restored clocks, ancient maps, copies of books with dusty pages you could smell, 19th century furniture, original band albums,watches or classic toys. I had even pointed out to him a rare Troll doll, but he ignored me only focusing on Mark. When we left I got an earful. He demanded to know how I knew Mark. Asked if I had slept with him. My denials to his charges weren't good enough. He ended our discussion with telling me I was foolish to fancy him it's not like a bloke like Mark would ever be interested in a slob like me.

That's how it went for us, in addition to insulting my speech and my hobbies Ste added insults about my body and my style. It was my fault he didn't want to get close to me. I was boring and disgusting. I was the reason he had to carry on with others.

No matter what I tried I only managed to annoy him further. I don't clearly remember the first time Ste hit me. I know we were fighting. It was our first proper row since being back together. I'm not one for confrontation, but I thought we needed to get everything out in the open and sorted.I don't recall what I said, but I remember the sound of his hand connecting with my face , and how bright my blood was. He cried and apologized, begged me to forgive him, and promised to never hurt me again, and in my state of shock I forgave him and allowed him to look after me.

For a time things were good again, Ste was the perfect husband, and just as I started to forget what he had done he turned again. I did my best to keep him happy , and he did his best to remind me how repulsive he thought I was, andhis words were not enough he made sure I had the bruises to remind me as well.

He was clever enough to make certain any mark he left on me would be well hidden from questioning eyes. Rarely did I have to explain the odd bruise , and when I did a story of tripping on a kid's toy or bumping into a table top was enough explanation and those asking would have a laugh over how clumsy I was.

I should have left him then. I don't know why I didn't. I suppose I still saw the good in him, and he wasn't always terrible to me. He could be sweet and romantic for weeks at a time. In fact only a month earlier he had planned a night out for us a splendid meal followed by an evening at the theatre. Ste's not one for Shakespeare so the fact that he sat through hours of it because he knew I was a fan surely meant he still cared for me. He promised to take me to Venice next spring at the end of the night.

Things had been good for us until a couple of weeks ago. I made a suggestion on what Ste could do for baby Hannah and that maybe he was being too tough on Leah. I guess he took it the wrong way because after the kids left the next day he had it out with me. Accused me of thinking I was the better father and undermining him. I tried defending myself to him and he lashed out again determined to have a row with me. I did my best to calm him down after all Matthew was watching us. However he didn't calm down. That was the first time he hit me in front of one of the children. Matthew had started screaming out of fear, and I gathered him up and left. I didn't know where I was going . I just knew we couldn't stay in the flat. I didn't notice how far we had walked, only when I hear Mark's voice call out to me did I realize we were in front of Odds & Ends . I quickened my pace. I didn't want Mark to see me in my current state, and I hoped he would think I hadn't heard him calling to me and leave me be. My plan failed as Mark had jogged to catch up to me. "Trying to ignore me eh mate?" he had teased out of breath before telling me he had managed to find a book I had asked about earlier. The book was a rare edition of traditional French recipes and was meant to be a surprise gift for Ste. He was excited to share the news of his find, but I was in no mood to chat. I feigned what I thought to be the appropriate level of excitement and gratitude, but he must have seen through , because he stopped mid sentence and looked at me closely.

"Are you alright John Paul? Is something the matter?"

"I'm fine. Just in a hurry I am supposed to be meeting my husband." I had lied to him.

" Are you sure? Because you look completely shatter-"

I cut him off and forced a smile on my face and made up an excuse about being up all night with Matthew, fatherhood and needing sleep and laughed hoping he would believe me. I didn't stand around to see if he did believe me.

"The book!" he called after me. I had told him I'd come by in the evening for the book.

Matthew and I walked for a bit I told him stories to stop his crying, but he was still frightened so we walked further to the pond,and as I hoped watching the ducks distracted him and he settled down completely. as Matthew watched the ducks I did my best to keep him from seeing the tears in my eyes.

I thought of going to my Nana, but the thought of going back to my childhood home and telling everyone of my troubles with Ste after I had defended my relationship against their criticism was embarrassing.

I never went to get the book, in fact I completely forgot about the book.

Instead I went home to Ste who was apologetic. I told him things had to change and he agreed. He promised to attend counseling with me, and swore to call for a session in the morning. He took Matthew and got him ready for bed and drew a bath for me. I was certain he loved me and my son he just needed help working through his anger, and I was willing to make it work. I still loved him it was worth a try. I had to try Ste had stood by me during one of the worst years of my life, and what he was going through now... he needed me. Ste was mostly good to me or at least he meant to be, and none of us are perfect, and always do what we mean to do. He tried his best, and it's not like I am the perfect man or husband. I have plenty of faults and I am certain I am not the easiest to live with.

That was why I chose to stay. I won't say things were good, but they were quiet. I did my best not to trouble Ste to keep him from kicking off and lashing out at me, and Ste was more patient with me I was annoying him less and that was good.

It was weeks before I thought of Mark and the book again, until Ste and I were outside his shop weeks later. We had been quarreling . Silly married stuff really I wanted a night in Ste had been keeping late nights at work, and I asked if he could have someone cover for him just for the evening, and he had accused me of not being supportive. As we rounded the corner we ran into Sinead and her new beau who invited us to tea. I started to decline on our behalf still hoping for a night in, but Ste interrupted promising our attendance, and ended by saying that of course I always had room for food. I chose to ignore the insult and instead asked if we could stay in the following evening. Before he could reply Mark popped out of his store.

"There he is the disappearing man. I thought I'd never lay eyes on you again. Stay here I'll bring it out to you now."

Ste's eyes had blazed with anger. He turned to me and said " Is that why you wanted me home tonight? Feeling guilty about carrying on with your boyfriend while I work late hours to provide for us."

"It's not like that." I said weakly.

"What's it like then? Do you read your fancy books together before you get to snogging?"

"Can we not do this here? Please. You Know you're the only one I care about. The only one I love." At that moment Mark had returned from inside the shop and handed me the book.

"Tell me something do you give all your patrons gifts or is it just my husband?" Ste had asked Mark.

"Pardon?"

"It's for you Ste. I asked him to find it for you." I had said as I handed the recipe book to him. He barely glanced at it before handing it back to Mark saying " You wasted your time I've got all that I want. John Paul must have forgotten. That's the thing about my husband , he had emphasized the my by putting his arm around me and I had flinched at his touch Mark had noticed, and I silently hoped Ste had not, I love him but he's very forgetful."

He then pulled us away and we kept walking. I hadn't dared to look back to mouth a thank you. In the 5 minutes it took us to reach home I had accepted the blame for the fight, for embarrassing him and insulting him and had apologized repeatedly to Ste, and I had tried to convince him I had only meant it as a present to show him that I cared and that I believed in him. We ended up canceling our plans with Sinead that night on account of me not feeling well.

A few days passed before I next saw Mark. I happened to be walking Matthew to the playground when I ran into him. He waved to me and crossed the street to speak to me. As he spoke I made sure to pull the sleeve of my hoodie down to cover the marks on my wrist. The day was warm and I didn't need the hoodie, but he didn't mention that or comment on the awkward way I was standing. Instead he told me he was on his way to sort through a load of classic books he had just purchased on ebay. I thanked him for the book and all his troubles and apologized for Ste's outburst days before, and wished him well in his book sorting. He was gracious about everything. He even offered to hold the book for me in case Ste changed his mind. Just as we were about to part Matthew tossed his cup and toy duck , his cup landed in the water and I without thinking quickly bent to retrieve it , and in doing so my shirt came up in the back revealing layers of black and blue marks and welts on my lower back. I could feel Mark's eyes on me as I straightened my self up. I avoided his gaze and felt my cheeks turning red. I quickly stuffed the cup into my bag and started off.

"John Paul!" Mark had called to me. I turned to him " You forgot something." He had said and handed the duck to Matthew.

"Thank you I said, it would have been a nightmare getting him to sleep tonight without it,"

"Glad I could help then I wouldn't want this little cutie having a hard time," he had said bending down to pat Matthew gently on the head."

"Well thanks again for everything the duck the book-."

"No problem. I'm happy to help out my best customer. With book tracking, duck rescue, or even just a chat I'm always available."

"I should be going." I had said a quickly moved on. I could feel his eyes watching us walk away, but I didn't turn back.

I wanted to turn back to tell him everything but I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed. I had thought that after everything that happened with Finn, I would never be bullied into silence again, but I didn't want anyone to know about how things really were going with Ste. I didn't need more people thinking of me as weak or taking pity on me. No one could help anyway. All they would do is tell me to leave him again. Where would that leave me? Another failed relationship. Ste was my best chance at love and a lasting relationship. I was nearly 30 with so much baggage who else would want me?

My buzzing phone dragged me from my thoughts. It wasn't Ste, but instead a reminder I needed to finish writing exams for my class.

Ste's silence terrified me things had been good since the last incident, but he liked to play games with me. Games I didn't know how to win, and I still wasn't certain if when I returned tonight he would be happy to see me waiting with tea and flowers or if he would be ready to fight. Would he be home at all? I thought of calling him, but he hated when I did that. He said I was smothering him. The last weeks I had managed not to upset him, and I had already offended him this morning by flinching. I wasn't going to chance an unwanted phone call to him.

How did we get here? How did I end up fearing my husband? The thought of leaving him briefly entered my mind quickly followed by the question "Who else would want you?" I knew the answer to that. No one. I had never been the one that any man had truly wanted. The thought of someone stable and sure of himself loving me and wanting only me was the stuff of fantasy in my mind. Mark briefly entered my thoughts. If I am honest I had thought of him more than I should lately. I would never cheat on Ste, but there was something about the dark-haired and dark-eyed shopkeeper that forced him into my thoughts.

His shop had been my haven the last few months. I would go there to clear my mind, sometimes I'd browsed the seemingly endless shelves and aisles, sometimes I sat on the couch and read from the ancient volumes, and sometimes I just watched him work. Mark was fascinating to watch in his element the way he worked to gently repair worn and broken items and made sure they were lovingly displayed in his store , and sold to new owners that would cherish them was an art form.

He didn't seem to mind my company I had apologized enough, but he always said I ( and Matthew when he was with me ) where never a bother. He had great anecdotes of the exciting life he had led traveling the globe. He was an animated storyteller and comedian, and he was kind enough to listen stories of my boring life and act interested in the little I shared with him.

The thought suddenly entered my mind wondering what it would be like to go home to Mark each night, and I immediately felt guilty. I was a married man and I would never cheat on Ste, but even if I were single someone like Mark would never want someone like me. Ste's words came back to me "disgusting." "pathetic." "boring" I winced at the memories those words brought to mind. Painful, but true, and I needed to stop dreaming, and worry about my marriage, and it was getting late I needed to get Matthew. My mum had begged to take him for the day, but I was certain after several hours with the toddler she'd be ready to return him to me, and I missed him.

I got to my feet, and grabbed my bag.

"You leaving us then?" Mark called to me.

"Yea. I need to get Matthew and catch up with Ste my husband."

"I thought you'd never leave. I was beginning to wonder if you had become a part of that sofa. Mark teased me.

" Sorry I hope I wasn't in your way,"

"Yea you sitting silently lost in your thoughts for 2 hours was a real distraction to my work."

" Sorry I didn't mean to be rude."

"Mate, I'm only having a laugh."

" Still I hope I'm not causing you any trouble-

Looking me right in the eye he placed a hand on my shoulder and said

" John Paul you are anything but trouble."