Don't look at me like that as I fall. Don't shake me, staring into my sightless eyes as if they will suddenly light up again with life. I can hear you, you know, screaming bloody vengeance at them. I can also see your shock reflected in his amber eyes. Please don't blame him, Blackstar, he was only defending his leader. I would have done the same for you. In fact, all of our warriors would have. And it's not as if this battle has been in vain-we are keeping this useless strip of land and Firestar even lost a life! Surely that's good enough for you...? But no, I can see it in your step as you drag my bloody body back to the camp. Why don't you let the others help you? You will never admit it, I know you too well, but you have been weakened by this fight. We're not as young as we think we are, eh?
I can remember when we were young, though. Swept off our paws by Tigerstar's golden words. In a way, he was a bit like Sol, though not as...as...there isn't even a word. Of course, we put this behind us when you became leader, after we saw through his lies. It still haunts you, and me too. I had killed so many during that time...more than I ever wanted to. But so had you.
Wait, don't start my vigil so soon! Why are you calling the Clan out? And leave the medicine cat alone! Littlecloud should tend to the others with his apprentice, instead of preparing my body for burial. They are the living, I am among the dead. They need your strength, Blackstar, don't collapse now. I can see it in your eyes-you're on the brink of a huge, dark, pit that you will never come out of it if you fall.
You know, I think that Littlecloud always knew about the two of us. There was always this amused glint in his eyes when he saw me bringing you a piece of fresh-kill, or that time when you pulled me out of the way when I didn't see the monster on the Thunderpath. I think that the simpler moments were the ones that gave him the ideas. I don't know how, but that's what I assume. But where's that glint now, and where did that teasing smile go from his face? He's stunned, like the rest of them. Especially you.
Heh...you never were one for long speeches. I wonder how it's going to go when you announce my death...Blackstar, that's way too long. I'm no where as noble and as kind and cunning as you make me sound like. You know of the things that I did. But….there's one thing that you do need to say. Tell them that they are our kits. You know which ones. We never told anyone that they belonged to us, we only mentioned their apprentice ceremonies in passing at the Gathering, and they've been hidden in shadows for their entire life, just so that they wouldn't become a weakness for ShadowClan. A way to the leader's heart. If only they knew about me…then you would be twisted around their paw, doing their bidding. (And so would I had the opposite happened.)
And don't think that I can't see that your'e sobbing. Your entire flank shakes when you sob. And why on earth did you deny the elder's their tradition of burying the dead? You could have kept the dirt from in-between your paws and the mud from ruining your fur. You were always secretly vain. No one but me would know, hm? Look, get back to the Clan. They need you more than my cold body does. Quit lingering by my grave. I'll be alright; you've shared dreams with StarClan, you know that they're not cannibals or something.
I know that you're awake, tossing and turning in your moss bedding. I also know that you're not there voluntarily-I know that Littlecloud had to practically beg you to get some rest. We never were ones to sleep in, so I can see why languishing in your den while the sun-light is filtering in would bother you. But something tells me that it's not that. Good, you've gotten up. Go out and greet the Clan, pretend that everything's alright. Don't drag your paws! And your fur is so ruffled…why, you're Blackstar! The formidable ShadowClan leader! You can't let your own Clan see you in this state! And don't tell the apprentices off for…what did they do? Breath? Look a little happy? You're letting my death get to you, Blackstar.
Ah, so you've decided to go to the Moonpool. And you've decided to take the route that goes through RiverClan. I see…a lesser cat would say that you're frightened, but I know that you don't want to risk running into a patrol and flaying their pelts. Such anger is in your (beautiful ) fierce eyes…it (thrills) scares me. Had I been walking with you, of course. And it will take all day to go that way, you know. But you go along anyway, just as stubborn as always. It's almost heartbreaking funny, the way you glance around at the flitting shadow of a bird or mouse with such…hope in your eyes. As if you had expected me to spring out from behind those ferns, glaring at you and asking if scaring away all the prey in this side of the world with all of that noise is one of your brilliant plans. Oh, and you need to wait for moon-high before you go dashing down to that pool, you know! Really, you look like a kit on their first outing.
I never told you, but you always look so peaceful when you sleep, especially here, with the waters reflecting on your white fur. And your breathing is so steady, too. I suppose that everyone is like that, but I only noticed it in you. You're traveling the paths of StarClan now, don't look so surprised. You've done this a million times over. And look-here comes Nightstar! Your father seems to want to talk to you. Don't screw up your nose like that! Who did you expect to come and greet you? (Me?) Listen to his advice! He's telling you that there's a traitor in your midst! And that-… I can't believe you just interrupted him. And what for? Demanding to see little old me. I'm sorry, but they won't let me come and talk to you. But you don't know that… or do you? That's what Nightstar just said, but will you listen? No, you're going to rant and rave and unsheathe your claws and rake them down his face-! Blackstar! And now you're just going to run…?
I'm not there. I'm not over there, either. And stop calling my name like that! It makes me sick with (sadness) with disgust. Can't you hear the desperation in your voice? Who would want to call me like that? Me, who is named after the brown-streaks on apples and other fruits. What an ugly name. Russetfur. But you yowl it with such (love) need-you'll have to name a new deputy tonight, when you get back; I can't come back with you.
a/n;;this was also posted in the WarriorsWish fanfiction archives, with the Monologues: The Lovebirds. My name is Smokeberry on that site. Thanks for reading! ^_^