I thought it would be fun to give my loyal readers a bit of a Christmas gift, so here it is. Admittedly I had to rush the ending so the quality dies a little towards the end, but I hope it's still acceptable.
This story was inspired by a picture by Myrling on Deviantart titled "TMNT Secret Santa- SAINW". Check it out, it's superb.
(As an aside, this is my first time writing for SAINW characters, so any critiques you may have would be welcome).
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all that that implies!
Raphael stood in the alley, trash dancing on the cold breeze that nipped at his skin. It was miserable out, but how was that different than any other day? Everything was miserable all the time. Winter, summer, warm, cold… it didn't matter.
The world had gone to pot. And Raph couldn't possibly care less.
A shiver ran down his spine as the wind picked up. He tugged the collar of his coat closer, trying to shut out the cold as he watched his breath puff in front of him. It made him think of smoking… damn he could use a drag right about now, but he'd promised Mikey he'd quit. And while he broke that on a regular basis, he at least wanted to be sure he didn't smell like he did. Not today.
He growled in annoyance as the cold bit through his jacket while he leaned against the wall. Where the heck was he? If he thought Raph was gonna wait out here in the cold all day, the idiot had another thing coming. The only reason he even showed in the first place was because of Mikey…
Poor kid. Every time Raph thought of what happened to him, his gut twisted in guilt. Guy had just been trying to help people… he didn't deserve this. If Raph had been there he could have helped. He could have kept his brother safe.
But he wasn't.
He was too busy drowning in anger and wallowing in grief, holed up in his little shack at the edge of what was left of this desecrated city. Mikey had called him to help, but he just couldn't do it. Helping strangers, protecting the innocent, fighting in this damn war, he couldn't do any of it anymore. There was no point. Everything was ruined. Everything was destroyed. Everything.
They'd lost enough fighting for the rest of the world. Lost too much. And Raph didn't see any reason to lose what he had left for a bunch of thankless, ungrateful humans.
So he left. Shredder be damned.
Another shudder ran up his spine as stronger gusts of wind slapped him in the face, biting into his cheeks.
That was it. Clearly he was being made the butt of some asshole's joke, and he wasn't wasting any more time standing in this blizzard.
"You came?"
The voice was behind him and Raph had to keep himself from jumping in surprise; it had been a long time since anyone had been able to sneak up on him. Only one guy he knew who could do that. "It's for Mikey." He said flatly, no further explanation needed.
"Wouldn't be the first time you ignored the family in a time of crisis."
Ouch. Raph's face twisted into a deep frown, hiding the sting of guilt with anger. "I'm not the one who abandons family to their death. That's your job."
He could practically feel his brother tense, his cold eyes cast down to the snow.
The two stood in silence, palpable tension threatening to go off like a bomb at any moment. Both were angry. Both had a grudge to bear. Both wanted to leave.
But neither would.
They were here for a reason. A damn good one at that, or Raph wouldn't have made the trek all the way out here. And he sure as hell wouldn't be putting up with sir holier-than-thou in front of him. But even though he knew why they were here, the temptation to flee was powerful. Being around his brother for any length of time brought his remorse back full force, like a dagger twisting in his stomach.
It made him furious. He made him furious.
Better get this over with before he let his anger get the better of him again. "We doin' this, or what?"
No response. The elder was as still as the ice beneath his feet. Raph suppressed another shiver as he stared at his brother.
"Leo?"
"This way." The older turtle walked ahead, the black ends of his trench coat whipping in the wind.
Raph couldn't help a smirk. "Ain't there a saying about the blind leading the blind?"
Shots fired. "That would make you blind too."
Raph rolled his eyes; it was supposed to be a joke. Damn… and he thought Leo had no sense of humor back in the good ol' days.
Easy enough to lose, he supposed… in a world like this.
The two stealthily made their way to an abandoned basement warehouse not far from the alley they'd just been in. It was old, falling apart, and reeked of sewage.
Almost felt like home.
Raph stepped inside and eyed the space curiously, thankful for the reprieve from the cold. Well… it wasn't much. The sides were cracking, old empty crates and barrels littered the floor, and bullet holes gaped from the walls like open wounds. Likely an old storehouse for the resistance that had been discovered by Shredder's forces at one point or another. Didn't look like they'd been back since.
The room looked like Raph felt: hallow, empty, and abandoned. "This is it?"
"You were expecting more?"
Raph paused; he had, actually. When they'd agreed to this, he thought Leo had some sort of elaborate plan –as he always did- to deck the place out like they used to do the lair. For Raph, this would have been ideal: small, dark, hidden from sight… perfect for a guy trying to run from the world.
But they weren't here for him. And this just wouldn't do.
"Well yeah, Leo, this doesn't exactly scream festive." He crossed his arms as he glanced around, trying to find anything that might liven the place up a bit. But aside from the one broken lamp in the corner, there wasn't much to work with.
Leo kicked a box towards his brother. "Decorations are in there." His voice was bitter, clearly not impressed by the lack of enthusiasm.
Raph opened the box and pulled out something from inside. "…an old sock?"
"Stocking." Leo corrected.
Raph dug through the pile of rejected objects: some candles, some holly, a bit of tinsel and— wow. "Are these holiday lights?" Raph gawked. "I didn't know they still existed. Where'd you get 'em?"
The elder shrugged. "An old friend."
Raph didn't appreciate the obscurity, but was too distracted by the string of florescent bulbs to start a fight. It had literally been decades since he'd seen them last. "Well… it ain't much." He finally said, looking over their sorry lot of decorations. Certainly not enough to deck the halls, but possibly at least a corner?
"I suggest you get creative." Leo said, his back still to his brother.
"Me? Thought the point of meetin' up early was so we both could pitch in."
"We are. I found the decorations, you're putting them up."
Raph scoffed. "Right. 'Cause God-forbid you actually lend a brother a hand."
Leo's features hardened as he froze in place. His hands curled into fists as he turned to his brother, stalking towards him. For a moment, Raph thought the elder was going to punch him. He tensed, readying himself for such an attack, when Leo bent down and picked up the stocking, tacking it to a nearby crate. "Satisfied?"
Raph blinked at the gesture. "One sock? That's the best you can do?"
"Stocking. And as you were so kind to point out, there's not much there."
Taking a deep breath, Raph tried not to knock the smugness from his brother's voice with a hard punch to the face. If it were any other time…
"I can't do much else anyway."
His muttered confession almost sounded… guilty. So much so that Raph stared at his brother for a long moment, trying to find any depth of emotion in his eyes.
Nothing. If he was hard to read when he had sight, he was completely impossible now.
Anger still brimming, Raph watched Leo's hand absently feel the stocking as if he was trying to remember what it looked like. He looked to the ground, growling in annoyance. "Fine. I'll do it myself."
He hung the holly over the small street level window, and slung the tinsel over a nearby broken piece of plastic casing.
Leo placed the candles on the tallest barrel he could find, knowing Raph would need some light to work by as night came upon them.
Raph dug through the box to see what was left and came across two items he hadn't noticed before. "You're not serious." He said, deadpan.
Locked cocked an eye ridge. "What?"
Raph held up two hats, a bandana with reindeer antlers in one hand and a Santa hat in the other. "Ain't no way I'm wearing one of these."
The elder shrugged. "Thought Mikey'd get a kick out of it."
"It ain't him I'm thinking of kickin' right now."
Leo's eyes rolled at the comment as he snatched the antlers from Raph's hands and placed them in his coat. "Do what you want."
Raph's hands curled into fists once again, anger boiling over; it was his cool tone that drove Raph up the wall. The way he could say 'do what you want' when he was really saying 'do what I tell you'. Damn it pissed Raph off something fierce. He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. Mikey would probably laugh at it…
Grumbling his annoyance, Raph stuffed the hat in his coat pocket, swearing not to wear it until he had to, and only just so Mikey could see it once. Then he'd throw it in the snow or stuff it down Leo's throat…
Calm. Stay calm.
All that was left was the lights.
Raph pulled them from the box, eyeing them curiously; what were they supposed to do with one sorry string of lights that wouldn't make the place look as pathetic and dismal as it really was?
"You could make a tree."
Raph glared at his brother; even without his sight, Leo could still read him like an open book. He'd forgotten how much that pissed him off. "Oh yeah? And just how would I manage that? Wrap it around a barrel?"
Leo only pointed to the lamp and Raph idly wondered how on earth his brother knew it was there. But he caught on to the idea the elder was driving at, huffing a breath at actually thinking it was a good one.
He dragged the shadeless lamp from it's sad little corner, propping it up in the middle of the room. Lights in hand, he tied one end around the base of the bulb, guiding the length of fluorescents to the floor, tucking an end under the base, and drawing it back up to the bulb again, repeating the motion once more so there were three strands cascading from the top of the lamp in an almost triangular shape.
Leo plugged the lights in just as Raph finished, a colorful glow taking over the room.
Raph stepped back to gaze at his creation, actually quite proud of it. Best damn tree he'd seen in years.
"Looks crooked."
"Ya know what Leo—!" He stopped, realizing too late that it had been a joke. Leo cocked an eye ridge as Raph growled. "Forget it. You decorate next time."
"Then it would really be crooked."
Raph couldn't help a small smirk. The wave of nostalgia from quipping with his brother like this was unexpected. But being that this was the first time in years they'd been in the same room without going for each other's throats, he supposed it should feel like old times.
The two stood in silence for several long minutes. It felt… right, just being here together, talking like nothing had happened. It felt comfortable. And comfort was something neither of the two had found in a long time.
Neither wanted to break the spell. Whatever it was that had stayed their anger for each other in favor of cooperation was welcome, even if neither would admit it.
The quiet of the room stretched on for several more minutes as the wind outside howled it's contention.
Leo finally moved. "He'll be here soon. I have to get my gift."
"Yeah, me too." Raph mentally sighed at the idea of going back into the cold again.
The two headed for the door, opening it to see snow whipping around in gusts of unrelentingly cold wind. Leo flipped up his collar, stepping outside. "Don't get lost in the blizzard, Raphael."
"What was that?" Raph's curt reply was met with nothing but air; Leo had already disappeared into the snow. "Hmph. Blind asshole." He stood in the doorway a moment, caught off guard by the use of his full name. It'd been so long since he'd heard it, his own name sounded strange to him. Leo probably did that on purpose.
Grumbling out an annoyed breath, Raph pulled his coat tighter around himself, trying to stay the wind from biting his flesh again.
It was for Mikey. Focus on Mikey.
He could put up with Leo for Mikey.
Less than half an hour later, Raph found himself standing alone in the warehouse, all lights and candles out so as to keep the decorations a secret, neither of his brothers in sight, and the Santa hat adorning his head. He flicked the white fluff ball on the end of the hat, not entirely sure why he was wearing it, but refusing to take it off until Mikey saw. Despite trying to convince himself to the contrary, Raph was excited to see his younger brother's reaction to their little surprise. It wasn't much, that was for sure, but Mikey had always delighted in the small things. At least… he used to. It had been a while since Raph had seen the young turtle after his decision to fight with the resistance. Guilt burned like a stoked fire at the thought; Raph regretted not being there for Mikey. He regretted that they almost never spoke and that it took something like the loss of a limb to bring them together.
But seeing Mikey usually led to seeing Leo. And Raph hated seeing his older brother. He hated calling him that, hated acknowledging they were related in any way. Hated the way Leo seemed above everything: the war, the people fighting in it, the people avoiding it. Hated the way he barely spoke and when he did it was with a voice so foreign Raph almost didn't recognize it. Hated seeing his scarred face and his dead eyes. His blind, dead eyes…
Raph idly toyed with the idea that Leo wouldn't return. Got lost in the blizzard, took a wrong turn down an alley, decided he was too tired and headed home. The notion brought a cruel smile to his lips; would serve him damn right. Best gift Raph could ask for this holiday season.
His anger subsided for the briefest of moments to allow shame to seep through. He shouldn't think about Leo like that. What if something actually did happen to him…
It would serve him damn right.
After another few minutes, the idea that something was wrong started digging it's claws into Raph's mind. Leo could rot out in the cold for all he cared, but Mikey… if anything happened to that kid, Raph was going to raise all hell.
Anything else happened to him, anyway.
Another pang of guilt sprang from Raph's gut, making him sigh in annoyance. Maybe this was a bad idea… he wanted to be there for his brother, more than anything in the world. But what if Mikey didn't want to see them? What if he'd only agreed to this little meet up because it was tradition and because he knew Raph and Leo could find him if he didn't show?
What if he blamed them for what happened to him? What if he was angry about it and was only gonna show up to ream them out about how he never wanted to see them again.
Raph wouldn't blame him if he did. They deserved it. Damn, did they ever deserve it.
But the idea of his baby brother being that furious with him was enough to make him swallow a hitch in his breath. If Mikey of all people was finished with him, Raph truly had no one to live for anymore. He had nothing.
Hearing footsteps outside, Raph's hands instinctively went for his sai as he snuck behind the door, waiting in the shadows. The light of day had all but disappeared, so if anyone came looking for trouble, it'd be easy enough to do away with them without drawing a crowd of Foot cops. Friend or foe, he was thankful for the interruption to his thoughts; his mind kept picturing Mikey's face, full of hatred and anger, glaring at him in contempt. It hurt like a knife to his back.
Crouching as the door creaked open, Raph waited with the patience of a lion ready to pounce. Breathing steadily as the figure moved through the door, he held his sai, almost hoping it was an intruder so he'd have something to take his frustrations out on. As the door closed, Raph wasted no time; he pounced, jumping behind the figure with lightning speed, holding his sai to his… nun chuck? When had the intruder even moved to raise a weapon?
Raph knew those armaments anywhere. "Mikey?"
"Heck of a greeting there, bro." There was a pause before he added, with more than a hint of mockery, "Nice hat."
The sound of his brother's voice was equally as comforting as it was heart wrenching; his tone had grown gruff, weary from battle over the years. Another somber reminder of the hell they lived in. "You shouldn't sneak up on a turtle like that, I almost dug out your carotid." He said, curt tone trying to hide the joy he felt at seeing his younger sibling. "You're lucky I wasn't a Foot Cop."
"I knew it was you." Mikey's lips curled up in a childish grin. "Could smell you a half a block away- when was the last time you showered, bro?"
The smile was unexpected and Raph didn't have time to hide it, so he simply shook his head. Damn it was good to hear him joke again. "Don't start with me, bonehead. Hurt or not, I ain't above kickin' your shell from here to New Jersey." He threw an arm over his brother's shoulder, pulling him down into a spirited headlock as he dug the knuckle of his hand into Mikey's skull. Never too old for a noogie.
Mikey laughed, a short burst of joy from the nostalgic 'just like old times' feeling that swept through his body. "Just Jersey? You're losin' your touch, bro. Gettin' feeble in your old age?"
"That's it, keep diggin'." Raph growled playfully, pulling Mikey tighter into the hold.
"Who're you calling old?"
The voice caught both brothers off guard, Raph once again reflexively going for his sai, turning so Mikey was slightly behind him.
The younger seemed unphased by the intrusion as his smile widened, nearly reaching his eyes. "Leo!"
A black trench coated turtle stepped from the shadows, arms crossed as he seemed to make a conscious effort to remain a good distance from Raph. He felt his youngest sibling suddenly throw his arms around his chest and tensed slightly. It had been so long since he'd been touched in such a manner that, for a moment, he forgot how he was to proceed. Understanding set in quickly, the tiniest of smiles ghosting across his lips while his arm returned the embrace.
"It's so good to see you, dudes." Mikey flicked the antlers atop his brother's head, more than amused at how ridiculous it made him look. "Especially looking so festive."
"I would say the same, but…" Leo shrugged as he heard his younger brother snort at the joke. When they pulled from the embrace, Leo felt the bandage on his brother's arm, reality suddenly dropping on their moment. All three turtles fell silent as Leo held his hand over the bandages, his tone growing grave and serious. "…Does it hurt?"
Mikey reached for the stumpy remnant on his arm, wrapping his fingers around it as he pulled from Leo's touch. "Sometimes." Sometimes it was as though he could still feel the part that was gone. Something about 'phantom limb' something or other? He hadn't been paying attention when April explained it.
Raph stared from his spot a few feet away, unwilling to look at his brother's missing limb yet unable to pull his eyes away from it. Guilt, regret, anger, all three swirling in his stomach, mixing into a concoction of emotion that made him want to book it from the room, find the nearest Foot lair and bash skulls until exhaustion took him. Another time, he supposed.
"But hey, at least now I can say I have the coolest scar! Leo's been up on that pedestal for years!"
It never ceased to amaze him how his younger brother's mind worked. That endless positivity still undamaged by war and the cold bitterness that had consumed the older siblings, body and soul. Mikey always had been the strongest, Raph knew. "Enough with the small talk. Close the damn door and turn on the lights."
Mikey shook his head, turning his shell to his brothers as he moved to the door. "Do you practice getting grumpier, or does it just come naturally with age?" As he flicked the switch, multicolored lights danced across the wall, giving him pause. He turned to see the makeshift Christmas tree lamp in the middle of the room, alighting the scattered decorations about the window and boxes. "…You guys decorated?" Where on earth did they get the lights? He hadn't seen those in years.
The sparkle in Mikey's eyes as he stared at the lights dragged a smile from Raph's features unwillingly. He hated to admit it, but Leo had done good finding those. The thought brought his eyes over to the elder, nodding his approval only because he knew Leo wouldn't see it. "Thought you could use some festive cheer." He finally replied, slinging an arm over Mikey's shoulder. "It ain't Rockefeller Center, but then, neither is Rockefeller anymore."
It wasn't just the lights and the holly and the pitiful yet cute stocking hanging on the box. It wasn't just that this was the first time in over a decade Mikey felt any amount of festive cheer rise up inside him. It was that his older brothers had done it. Despite not being able to stay in the same room for five minutes without throwing a fist at each other –verbal or physical- Raph and Leo still cared enough to do all this. For him.
He'd almost forgotten how much they cared. Or that they did at all.
"It's… amazing." As if the goofy grin taking over his face wasn't enough of a tell-all. "Lemme guess, Leo set up the tree?"
"What makes you say that?" The elder turtle spoke quietly, still sticking to his corner by the shadows.
"It's crooked."
A knowing grin curled the edges of Leo's mouth as Raph growled, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation.
Mikey chuckled at the mental image of Raph trying to set this up while Leo told him if it was straight or not. It was then that a familiar smell crawled up his nostrils, sending hid taste buds whirling with excitement. "Dudes… you smell that?"
Raph was about to make a comment on Mikey's intelligence for making a gas joke at their age, when suddenly Leo pulled something from the shadows near the door. "…Is that…?"
"Pizza!?" Mikey's face lit up anew, staring at the square box in awe. It had been at least five years since the last time he even smelled a pizza, let alone ate one. Snatching it from his brother's hands to make sure it was real, the young turtle could practically feel himself drooling. "Where the shell'd you manage to get this, Leo?"
"An old friend." Was all he offered in response. "I also brought something to warm us up." He picked up a small thermos from the ground with three mugs.
"What are you, Santa Clause?" Raph huffed as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying not to let on how impressed and annoyed he was at all Leo had managed to put together for this event. "You got a sleigh and eight reindeer to go along with that magic bag of yours?"
The blind turtle didn't dignify that with a response, only tossing Raph a mug and the thermos, which he caught easily enough. "Shut up and pour the drinks." He moved swiftly to take the pizza back from Mikey before it was inhaled in a single gulp, earning him a look that he didn't have to see to know it was a pout.
The three gathered around the lights, Raph handing them each a glass of warm hot chocolate. He made sure to give Leo the chipped 'I heart NY' cup; he was blind, what did he care?
Mikey took one sip and smiled as the heat of the drink warmed his tired muscles, soothing the ache in his bandaged arm. "Ah… Man, you guys really went all out this year! I don't think we've had a holiday this festive since…" His voice trailed off, suddenly realizing the road it had gone down, and knowing it was off limits. He could practically feel the other two tense as he spoke, chastising himself. But since he'd already poked the bear, why not voice his concern? "It's just, with all that happened this year, I wasn't sure you guys were gonna show."
Neither Raph or Leo dared speak, guilt and bitterness swirling around them like thick smoke. It made Raph itch for a cigarette as he sipped his coco, desperately wishing his mug had something a little stronger in it. Even the slight implication of their lives before the world exploded was enough to make him want to run and beat on the first thing he saw. Or at least to beat on Leo. But it hurt more to hear Mikey think they'd ditch him. Sure, the year had been tough on all them, but the fact that their baby brother didn't know he could still count on his older siblings was a smack in the face.
Leo seemed to be thinking the same thing because he placed a gentle hand on Mikey's shoulder. "We'd never leave you like that, Mikey. You know we wouldn't."
Did he? They'd abandoned each other, it wasn't much of a stretch to see them ditching him in the future. But Mikey banished that train of thought before it could get a foothold. His brothers were here with him now, as they always had been. He should never have doubted.
"I'm…" Leo started, but the sentence faded like he was ashamed to finish. For the briefest moment, Mikey thought he saw guilt flash through his brother's pale eyes, but it disappeared behind his mask in an instant. "…I'm sorry we weren't there for you… for this…" He held Mikey's bandage again, as though feeling it to try and form a mental picture. "We should have been."
Raph was getting tired of the emotional conflict warring inside him. On the one hand, hearing how pitiful and repentant Leo sounded was almost like music to his ears; the jackass deserved every bit of suffering he got and then some. But on the other hand… he was right. They should have been there for Mikey. They should have been protecting him; that was their job as older brothers and they'd failed miserably at it. Mikey deserved better. Hell, they all deserved better than this crapshoot of a life they'd been hurled into. Even Leo. But what's done was done and no amount of guilt was gonna change that. Or so he would tell himself until he could light a cigarette or crawl inside a bottle of vodka to ease the pain of it all.
"It wasn't your fault." The mission was his to accept or decline, and he knew the risks when he gave his answer. The fact that in the throws of the worst pain and fever he'd ever had in his life he begged April to call his brothers and they never showed… was beside the point. And probably for the best. He wouldn't have wanted them to see him as weak as he was anyway. "I'm just glad you guys are here now." He reached over to hold his stump once more, but this time placed his hand overtop his brother's. He didn't blame them, honestly and truly, he didn't. If they'd been on the mission with him, they'd likely be dead, and then he'd be minus an arm and the rest of his family.
He'd be alone. Forever. And that thought was what had scared him most when they didn't show at the hospital. He'd thought they might already be dead…
But they weren't. They were alive, here, and trying to make him feel better like they used when they were little. And knowing all that had made any anger he'd harbored for them, float away in an instant. The hats helped too…
"We're always here for ya, Mikey. Just say the word and we'll come runnin'. Always." Empty words, Raph thought, but he wanted to mean them. He wanted to be the kind of brother he used to be, the kind that did anything and everything to protect his family. The kind that would climb mountains and fight lions to stay with the two people he cared about most in this world. But he didn't have it in him anymore… he was a shell of the brother he'd once been. After Splinter… after Donnie… he'd failed too many times. He knew what he was; weak. And it was a truth he was slowly trying to accept. A truth that would always keep his family at arms length because being near them only reminded him of how useless he'd always be at protecting them.
That, and Leo. This was all Leo's fault in the first place. And Raph couldn't stand even looking at him because of that.
And yet, being around him tonight hadn't been as bad as he thought. It was almost… good… to see him. Even thinking it made Raph cringe in denial. Time to change the subject. "Now enough with the sap, are we gonna open presents or what?"
That perked Mikey up right away. "Presents!" He shuffled on his knees a moment, trying to reach something in his belt. "Leo's first!"
The older turtle shook his head at his brother's excitement; he never changed, did he? Thank God. He felt something thrust in his hands and ran his fingers around it. "…glasses?"
"Yeah, Morpheus called, said he wants his specs back." Mikey grinned, not even caring if his brothers remembered the reference. "Besides, those things have more cracks in them than your shell." Which was saying a lot.
It made no difference to Leo what his glasses looked like, he only wore them to hide the shame of his defeat. But it wasn't the glasses Leo cared about, it was the pleasure Mikey would take in seeing him wear them. It was that every time he put them on in the morning, took them off at night, or fidgeted with them during the day, he might think of his baby brother instead of the dishonor. A welcome respite from his daily guilt ridden routine. "Thanks Mikey."
As he took his original pair off to replace them, both younger brothers couldn't help but stare at his now exposed eyes. Blank and whitewashed, hiding a myriad of emotions and thoughts that neither would ever know of. Mikey idly wondered what it must be like being in the dark all the time…
Eyes hidden once more behind dark glass, Leo turned to his brothers. "How do I look?"
Between the antlers and the tag still sticking out from the glasses, Raph couldn't decide which part made his brother look more ridiculous. But, admittedly, the specs were a nice change from his previous pair. Suited him better. He was surprised by the thought that Leo now looked more like Neo as opposed to Morpheus. How on earth did he still remember that movie?
"Badass, bro." Mikey nodded his approval. Much better. "Badass."
He'd never admit it, but Leo liked the sound of that. He took a moment to silently revel in the compliment before wondering who would give their gift next. Mikey answered his question with excitement in his voice.
"Raph's next!"
Leo bristled, suddenly unsure about the exchange. No time to find something else now… He reached into his coat and pulled out a small, flat, rectangular package. "Here."
Raph glared at Leo, taking the gift hesitantly. He knew Mikey picked Leo as his Secret Santa, and he'd promised himself he'd play it cool. No fists throwing tonight. Though mugs were never part of the deal…
Staring at the gift, Raph wondered how on earth his brother had managed to wrap it so neatly. He peeled back a piece of the paper, not sure what to expect, when a weight suddenly dropped on his chest, stealing his breath. His heart lurched in an all too familiar and painful way. It took all his strength to keep his hands from visibly trembling.
"What is it?" Mikey asked, trying to peek over Raph's shoulder. His smile faded as he stared at the object in Raph's hands.
A family photo in a picture frame, the torn wrapping revealing the face of their missing brother, Donatello.
Leo felt the temperature of the room drop as everything fell silent. He knew it was a risky gift, but felt it necessary. Over the years, Raph had pulled farther and farther away, losing his reasons to stay alive as each day passed. Leo couldn't stand being in the same room as him, but being away was even worse. Because the fear that his brother would do something stupid and get himself killed was constant and powerful.
The picture was one Leo kept on his person at all times. It reminded him why he fought the Foot. Why he had to beat Shredder alone. Why he had to stay alive. And Raph needed that. Leo could hear it louder every time they met up. Whatever battle raged inside his brother that kept him from storming Shredder's lair on a suicide run was slowly being lost as the years passed.
Leo hoped a reminder of who they fought for would help keep Raph here. Keep him amongst the living.
Keep Leo and Mikey from having to burry yet another member of their family.
A gamble, to be sure. Raph could just as easily take it as a reminder of all they'd lost -all Leo had let happen- and throw the picture in his face. And in the tense silence that filled the room, the oldest turtle began to wonder if his brother might do just that. He readied himself for the fallout.
As minutes passed, Raph's heart continued to jerk wildly in his chest, images of their lost brother attacking his memory with cold ferocity. Damn Leo. What the hell kind of a gift was this? Damn him!
The urge to throw the frame at his older brother's face was nearly uncontrollable, but Donnie stopped him. That smile, perfectly preserved in a snapshot of a life that could never be again, kept him still. If Raph still knew how to cry, he was sure he would be by now. But he didn't. Couldn't.
God, he missed Donnie.
He should be here. He should be wearing one of these goofy hats, sipping hot chocolate and jawing on about the way Raph could have set up the lights so they were at perfect angles to look like a real tree. He should be here to take care of Mikey, make sure his arm was gonna heal right, and tell him all the things he needed to hear to be comforted, 'cause Donnie was good at that crap.
He should be here instead of Leo. He should be here instead of Raph.
"Donnie…"
Mikey's whispered reverence finally broke the silence, drawing Raph's gaze to his sad smile. Dammit… this was supposed to be make the kid feel better, not dig up old wounds. Dammit Leo, what the hell were you thinking!? Breathing deep so as not to curse aloud, Raph set the photo down gently, not able to bring himself to open it the rest of the way. "Your turn, numbskull. Here." Raph turned to grab a box he'd hidden away from the others, setting it down beside Mikey before returning to his spot. Surprising it had remained quiet… that could be a bad sign. Too late now.
Mikey's eyes widened at the size of the box as he picked it up. It was a lot lighter than expected.
"Don't shake it!" Raph said suddenly, causing Mikey to place the box down gently.
"Chillax bro, I ain't gonna break it."
"Will you just open it already, before the damn thing wakes up." Or at least he hoped it was asleep…
"Wakes up?" Both brothers spoke in unison, the same puzzled look across their faces. Mikey tore the lid off the box and peered inside. His eyes sparkled with delight at the sight: a baby kitten, white and orange in color, curled up in a ball, fast asleep. "A… kitty? You got me a kitty?" Adorable, but… odd.
"I found him outside my apartment the other day. I ain't no cat person, but it seemed cruel to leave him out in the cold. Only place I could think of he'd be safe is with you." And if Raph couldn't keep his brother company every day, at least someone could.
"Aw, the tin man has a heart!" Mikey gently reached into the box to pet the kitten, who'd woken and stretched, meowing at the intrusion to it's nap. As Mikey stroked it's fur, it's back arched, leaning into the touch even more. "I think he likes me!" Picking the cat up, Mikey held it close to his face, hearing it purr like a motor. "What're we gonna call you, little guy?" He stared at the orange and white critter, trying to think of something more creative than spot or fuzzy. "How about Klunk?"
"Klunk?" Raph chewed the name, finding it to be odd to the taste. "What kind of a name is that?"
"'Cause he fell into our lives!"
"Wouldn't that be more like 'thud'?" Leo wondered aloud.
Mikey thought it over a minute before shaking his head. "Nope, Klunk sounds right. What do you think, little guy?"
The cat couldn't be bothered to care about it's name, but it loved being held. It rubbed it's face against Mikey's, purring ever louder.
Raph smiled with a delight he hadn't felt in years, both at the cat's reaction and the twinkle in his brother's eye as the creature rubbed against him. He put his hand on Mikey's shoulder, feeling a sense of comradery overtake him. "I think he likes it. Looks like the cat's as weird as you are, little bro!"
"Says the guy in the Santa hat!" Mikey barked in laughter as the cat curled into his cheek, tickling his neck.
Leo listened to the exchange with a peaceful expression, sipping his coco, content to simply hear the joyful scene unfold. It was good to hear his brothers sound so relaxed. Amazing, actually. Good to hear them still so full of life.
Good to hear them still alive.
"Dudes, I just realized we're letting the pizza get cold!"
Leo shook his head at the despairing tone in his brother's voice. "Well we best not let it go to waste. Dig in."
Mikey snuggled the kitten close to his face, looking from Klunk to the pizza. He turned to Raph. "Can someone lend me a hand?" The awkward silence that followed made the young turtle smirk in victory as he shrugged. "Come on, I had to say it once!"
As Mikey placed the cat on his lap, Raph passed him a slice of pizza before taking one himself, thoroughly enjoying the flavor. He watched as Mikey fed the kitten some cheese, laughing as it tried to go for the rest of the slice. Mikey had always wanted a cat… And Raph couldn't deny the warm feeling that had spread through his veins as he watched his brother. He deserved to be happy.
Mikey of all people deserved to be happy.
The rest of the night was filled with quips, brotherly jabs, and jokes about Raph's close resemblance to The Grinch. They even reminisced a couple times without either Raph or Leo resorting to their usual anger-filled fistfights. That in itself was unheard of these days. There were several moments of tension filled remarks where it seemed like the two might fight, but whatever was diffusing their fury –be it the spirit of the season or for old times sake- made it seem like they almost actually enjoyed being in each other's company. Miracles do happen.
Late into the merriment, Mikey had finally felt exhaustion settle in. He tried to keep his eyes open as long as possible, but it had been a very long day. And while being around his brothers had given him energy beyond what he thought his body capable of nowadays, he was only a month out of surgery and his body still hadn't caught up with him yet. Leo finally forced the party to a close, but only by reassuring Mikey that he and Raph would both still be there in the morning before saying their goodbyes.
Raph leaned against a box, arms folded as his eyes studied his younger brother's sleeping form curled up next to him, a hint of a grin still tracing his lips. Damn it was good seeing Mikey again. He'd never say it out loud, but he missed the kid. Fiercely. Anytime Raph was around him it was like he remembered how to breathe. Everything seemed clearer and he understood his place in the world.
Not like with Leo. It was the exact opposite with Leo.
Speak of the devil, Leonardo had finished stuffing the decorations back in the box and now approached their sleeping brother and his body guard. "He finally crash?"
"Out like a light." Raph noticed Klunk move to curl up near Mikey's good arm, attempting to steal warmth. It was getting a bit chilly in here as the night wore on. Reflexively, Raph brought a hand to his younger brother's shoulder, feeling the temperature of it. "He's cold." And Raph had already given his coat as a pillow.
"Here." The black trench coat was held at a distance, Leo clearly not wanting Raph to see him without it. And the younger turtle could see why; his brother had scars covering most of his body. Burns, cuts, bruises and more, all littering his body like a papier-mâché portrait. It made Raph sick to see. Not that he cared, but Leo should learn to take better care of himself.
Idiot.
He'd actually rather enjoyed the night with his older brother. It was mostly Mikey that made the evening as cheerful as it was, but Leo being there hadn't spoiled it, and that was new for Raph. It had been a very long time since he was last able to be within the same city limit as his old leader without wanting to test his metal in a duel to the death. But tonight… it was almost like he'd been able to forget. Almost like none of this burning war raging around them ever happened.
Almost like they were a family again.
"Thank you." The words of gratitude from Leo were unexpected, bringing Raph's gaze to him after laying the coat over their younger sibling. "For coming. And mostly for staying. I know you didn't want to."
"Can it, Fearless. I wanted to be here as much as you." He saw Leo flinch at his old nickname, but didn't bother to say anything about it. "'Sides… it wasn't so bad."
"Crooked tree and all?"
Raph rolled his eyes. "You know what, Leo? I have a gesture for ya, if only you could see it." His tone was almost playfully angry.
"You don't have that finger."
"True. But it's the thought that counts."
A sigh of contentment escaped the sleeping turtle's lips, flipping both older siblings attention to him. Raph stared at his baby brother as he breathed deep. "You were right." The words tasted bitter in his mouth, but once they were out, there was no going back. "We shoulda been there for Mikey."
Leonardo remained crouched as he was, seeming almost like he was staring past Raph's shoulder. He said nothing, no words of rejection or objection, feeling the truth bore a hole in his heart.
"Never again." Raph swore for both of them. Never again would they ignore a call for help from Mikey. Never again would their little brother be hurt because they weren't there to protect him. Never. Again.
It took several more minutes of strained, rigid silence before Raph finally couldn't ignore the question hijacking his mind. "What was with the picture? You knew how I'd feel about it." He knew Raph would take it hard, and likely refuse to look at it. So why bother?
"Thought you might need a reminder." He said plainly, sitting on a nearby crate.
"Reminder of what? Everything we lost?"
"Everything we still have to fight for." His lifeless eyes dropped to their baby brother, almost as though they could see him. "A reminder that you're not alone." That he still had family, even if Leo wasn't considered a part of it.
Raph took a moment, trying to digest the idea, mulling it over in his brain. He couldn't help a glance at the frame, still lying on the floor with only the one tear revealing Donnie's face. Raph hated that it choked him to see his younger brother's face, but it did. Choked the life from his lungs and stopped his heart cold.
He missed him. He missed Donnie. And strangely enough, he missed Mikey and Leo too. Dammit, he actually missed Leo, the guy he'd sworn to hate the rest of his life.
"I can't promise I'll keep it." He finally said, his nonchalant tone covering any wavering emotions on the subject.
"I understand."
But he didn't. Leo didn't understand. He'd never understand that such a simple object would become Raph's most treasured possession. That one measly photo would be what spurred Raph's fiery spirit a blazing in the years to come. That this small object would remain in his pocket, hidden from the world and protected at all times.
That a stupid photo would be the reason Raph stayed alive. Because despite Raph never admitting it to himself, Leo was right… he needed a reminder. He needed to remember his family, both living and dead. To remember he still had them to hold onto, even if from a distance.
"Leo," Raph could never admit to any of that. He still hated his brother. Hated him for not saving Don. Hated him for leaving Splinter to die. Hated him for not finding a way to end this stupid war.
But most of all, he hated him for being too blind to see that Raphael's rage was born of fear. He was afraid he was losing the rest of his family, so he pushed them away before it could happen. Because losing Splinter had been painful. Losing Donnie had been downright agony. And losing anyone else would be the end of it. His end.
"Yeah?"
Raph hated Leo because he still cared about him, and it pissed him off. But tonight… tonight it didn't. Tonight being around Leo felt right. Tonight seeing that picture brought memories, painful but refreshing. Tonight… he was happy to remember he still had family. Always.
Looking down at his baby brother, smiling in his sleep, Raph breathed deep, feeling a peace of mind come over him that he'd thought had been lost over a decade ago. The peace of mind he'd always felt when his brothers were around him. Happy.
"Merry Christmas."
The older turtle felt his lips crack into the slightest of smiles.
"Merry Christmas, Raphael."
I feel I should mention that Myrling's lights are not crooked in her picture, I just thought it a funny tool for a joke.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
End of Line
-TRAaP
P.S- Fear not, the next chapter of Tortured Souls will still be up within the next few days.