Drew always had a hard time managing his PTSD. He didn't like coming to Rick about it. He had lost his leg, Drew's mental instability paled in comparison. But sometimes he couldn't hold it in.
Rick walked into his home, setting the keys in their designated spot on the counter. It was quiet, way too quiet. He knew Drew didn't have to work, and was looking forward to spending the night with him.
But Drew couldn't possibly still be asleep. He was usually up by now. Although, he had seemed run down these past few days. And he hadn't texted Rick to let him know that he had woken up. Maybe he was still sleeping.
Rick slips his boots off and hangs his jacket on the hooks by the door. Maybe Drew went out. Rick had gone picked up groceries earlier in the week, but he forget to get that ice cream that Drew likes. He could've went to pick that up.
But Drew's sneakers were still by the door, which meant he was in the house somewhere. Normally, he sat in living room, waiting for Rick to get home. Maybe he was just really tired, and felt like staying in bed.
"Babe? You home?" Rick's voice echoes against their walls, awaiting a response.
"Yeah." The sound of Drew's voice both relieves and worries Rick. He's glad his husband is home, but he doesn't sound well. The one word conveyed much more meaning than Drew had been trying to, the whisper rough and scratchy, like it hurt.
Drew's voice only sounded like that he'd been crying.
Rick sighed. Drew had been hurting for the past few days, and he hadn't even noticed. He knew Drew felt like he couldn't talk to Rick about his problems, because well, Rick had lost his leg.
But Rick desperately wanted Drew to talk about what bothered him. He hated seeing him hurt. It pained him to watch Drew try to struggle through life by himself. He was so afraid of being hurt that he didn't want to let anyone in. Rick was partially to blame. Leaving Drew had been the worst mistake of his life. He had caused Drew so much anguish, and he could see it sometimes, when Drew looked at him.
Like he would disappear.
Rick walked into their laundry room, taking off his uniform and putting it in the washing machine. He hated doing laundry, but he didn't want to bother Drew with it. He was already going through enough.
After closing the lid, Rick picks up a pair of shorts and pulls them on. He walks up the stairs and into their bedroom, where Drew's body bulges from under the blankets. Exhaling, Rick places his prosthetic against the wall, and sits on the bed. He grabs Drew's shoulders, pulling the trembling man's head gently into his lap. He strokes Drew's head, waiting for him to stop crying.
"Do you want to tell me what's been going on, baby?"
"I-no. I'm ok."
"Drew, you're sobbing in our bed, and from the looks of it, you've been crying for a while. You've been walking around half dead. I thought you were just tired, and for that I'm sorry. But you have to let me in."
"I just-" Drew pinches the bridge of his nose to keep from crying again. Rick sighs again.
"I know you feel like you can't talk to me because I lost my leg."
"That's not-"
"Yes it is. Drew, don't lie to me." Rick's voice cracked. Shit. He did not want today to go like this. He wanted to go out, maybe see a movie and grab dinner, fall asleep in his husband's arms. Not sit here and cry together.
Well, you can't control everything.
Drew loved Rick. He had gotten married to him, he came out to the world for him.
But sometimes, he felt like he couldn't talk to him.
He knew that Rick was always there for him. Rick made sure he knew, every day. But still, Drew couldn't help but feel like certain things were off-limits.
Rick had lost his leg. How could Drew's PTSD ever be as bad as that?
So Drew kept it in. No matter how hard it got, he tried to never let Rick see. Sure, he might cry at work sometimes, but who didn't?
It was just, Rick had gone through so much when he lost his leg. He had to fucking leave just to get his head back in the right space. And he had finally found his way back.
Drew didn't want to scare him away again.
If that meant that he had to keep his emotions in, then so be it. He hid his sexuality for years, this wasn't so much different.
Until someone set off fireworks in their neighborhood for Independence Day. Drew could usually handle fireworks with warning, but they had just moved into their neighborhood and hadn't informed their neighbors yet.
It had sent him into a spiral of flashbacks, each one hitting harder than the last until he could barely breathe. He couldn't hold it in anymore, and had finally broke down. He thought he would be done before Rick got home, that they could've went out and had a good time tonight.
Well, you can't control everything.
Drew looked up to see Rick's eyes presed shut, He could feel the Ranger shaking, struggling to keep his composure. He hadn't meant to hurt Rick. He never thought that keeping himself closed off would make Rick cry.
Drew sits up, pulling Rick to his chest.
"Shhhh shhh you don't have to cry. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong." Rick can feel the tears escape his eyes despite his best efforts. He didn't want to take away from Drew's time, but having to walk on eggshells around each other was getting to the both of them.
"Yes, I did. I pushed you away, and that obviously upset you."
"I mean, we're married Drew. I don't know what you're afraid of, but you don't have to be.I care about you." Rick interlocks their fingers, looking straight into Drew's eyes.
"You matter, Drew. I'm not going anywhere. You know that." Rick presses their foreheads together, kissing Drew's tears away.
"I feel like my emotions are… I guess dumb. You've gone through so much, I feel like my struggle is just invalid compared to yours.
"Then stop comparing. Emotions aren't a competition. And your emotions aren't invalid, or dumb. I went through a lot, but so have you, baby. You can always talk to me about your emotions. I will always be here to listen, to support you, no matter what, ok?" Rick runs his hands against Drew's. He loved the feeling of Drew's skin against his. He craved the touch. After not feeling it for so long, Rick took every opportunity to touch Drew, make sure he knew he was loved.
Drew choked on his sobs, laying his head onto Rick's shoulder. He senses Rick's arms snaking around his back, pulling him closer, until they're laying down, Drew's body on top of Rick's.
"The fireworks…"
"I know. They got me too."
"Really?" Drew sat up, looking at Rick skeptically. Rick never had flashback, at least, not any that Drew had ever seen. After coming back, Rick had been more mellow. He didn't lash out like he used to, he hardly even talked about his emotions. Drew was the emotional one.
"Yeah. I don't know why. I hadn't thought about being over there for so long, it took me by surprise." Rick chuckles as he rubs his hands up and down Drew's back, attempting to provide both of them comfort.
"It just kept getting worse and worse, too. Like at first I could handle them, but they kept coming back so frequently, so intensely, that well, I mean, you saw me when you came in." Drew's lips make their way from under his ear down his jaw. He wanted to comfort Rick. He could see the tension radiating off of his husband. It was evident in the way his shoulders were tensed, the path his hands continued to take across Drew's back. It was almost as if he was in his own world. Drew was trying to reach him, but he was scared of what he would pull out.
"Rick…"
"Hmm?"
"Are you ok?" Those three words were enough to shake Rick from his daze.
"Yeah. How long have we been sitting here?"
"A few hours. I didn't want to bother you, but you seem upset."
"I'm sorry. I wanted to focus on you, make sure you were ok. Instead you're worrying about me."
"I'm always worrying about you, it's not that bad." Drew manages a small smile, quickly kissing Rick, the settling back on his chest.
"Do you ever regret joining the Army?"
"Sometimes." Drew drummed his fingers on Rick's chest, then spoke again.
"But if I hadn't, I would have never met you. So it was worth it."
"God, you trying to make me cry again?" Both men chuckle as they kiss again, this time with more passion than sadness.
"Maybe if you weren't such a baby this wouldn't be happening."
"Oh, look who's talking."
Drew giggles into Rick's chest, unable to help it. He just loved Rick so much.
"Every day that I was deployed, I thought about you." Rick whispered so quietly, Drew barely heard him.
"I thought about you every day too. I missed you so much."
"Everyone thought I was weird for not having a picture of my 'girl'." That causes both of them to start laughing.
"Whenever I go back to that bad place, I think about you. How much you love me, how I don't want to hurt you again." Rick locks his fingers together around Drew's waist.
" I'm sorry I left you. I know that I hurt you. And I know that you still feel it, every single day." Rick couldn't bear to raise his voice. He had been planning on telling Drew this for a while, but time didn't make it easier. He just felt so bad for breaking the man he loved so much.
"I know. I forgive you." Drew skimmed his fingers across Rick's cheek, pulling close enough to brush his lips across his lover's. The touch was enough to set Rick back into tears. This time, they shook his whole body. Drew flipped over, laying on his back as he dragged Rick on top of him.
"You don't have to continue to carry this with you, Rick. I'm not upset with you. I can't be. You came back. I love you so fucking much."
That just made Rick sob harder, making him grab the comforter underneath him to keep him from falling off the edge of this cliff of despair that he had sank into. He thought that by returning to Drew, he was further from the edge. But he had somehow found his way back again.
"Babe, shhhh you're ok. You're ok. I'm here, I got you." Drew's thumbs brushed against the back of Rick's head as the other man caught his breath.
"I just- I'm so sorry. For everything I put you through. You deserve so much better."
"How can I get better than perfection?" Drew smiled, watching Rick unwillingly do the same.
"You are unbelievably sappy, Drew Alister."
"You still chose to marry me, though."
"Best choice I've ever made." Rick kisses Drew's collarbone, revelling in the feeling of Drew's skin under his lips.
"Get up for a sec, I gotta pee."
"You are so vulgar. Why did I marry you?" Rick rolls over, letting Drew up, watching him crawl out of bed.
"You just said it was the best choice you ever made!" Drew's fake outrage causes Rick to start giggling again. He waits impatiently for Drew to come back from the bathroom, shivering. The door opens.
"Can you throw me that sweatshirt? I'm cold." Drew obliges, picking up a black sweatshirt and glancing at it
"Where did this come from?" Drew sits back on the bed, handing it to Rick and watching him put it on.
"I liked it, so I bought it. Plus, all the proceeds go to the Trevor Project. So it was a win win." The sweatshirt had a rainbow flag printed in the middle. The couple lay back down, Drew pulling up the covers before tracing his fingers across the flag.
"I like it too."
"Good, because I bought you one. Surprise." Rick grinned as Drew's face lit up in excitement. They were So. Fucking. Gay.
"I love you, you big gay idiot."
"I'm the gay one here?"
"You are wearing that gay ass shirt."
"I'm rocking this gay sweatshirt, thank you very much.
"Oh, you so are."
"I am?"
"Totally." They get lost in their giggles, kissing each other softly.
"I love you too. No matter what, I love you. I'll never stop loving you."
"Can you shut up before I start crying again? I'm barely holding it together here."
"Sorry, sorry." Rick smiles, touching his fingers to Drew's face.
"I can't help it. I just...love you."
"I love you too."
Both exhausted, they fall asleep in each other's arms. Just like they wanted to.