A/N: WARNING: what you are about to see is purposely the most unrealistic thing ever to be written by yours truly. It was written for the Painfully Bad challenge in which I had to write a PAINFULLY BAD fic. Enjoy.
Dear Diary,
Today I killed two muggles. I tortured them senseless before I lifted my wand with my pale, rather green-looking hands, and whispered the words which ceased their lives forever.
It was then that I was struck with a great realisation; I had green hands.
A great horror seized me, for surely soon I would be turning into the green giant, or perhaps even the incredible Hulk.
Rather fortunately, I invested in some fake tan (by invested, I mean I blasted the muggle filth out of her own shop and stole the merchandise.) I never knew that a muggle product could be so good for my complexion! As long as my devoted followers do not find out, all shall be good.
In other news, I watched a rather strange scene in the park today, a grandmother beating her grandchild with a stick. I tell you, it was the most jealousy I ever felt towards a woman, and a muggle no less. It may have been something to do with her voluptuously grey hair and exceptionally large nose.
Yours,
Lord V
Dear Diary,
The irritable brat that is Harry Potter has been ever so irritating as of late. Only yesterday he appeared in a dream of mine, in which I was flinging him from a catapult in order to knock down some mudbloods. But, damnit, I always missed! The mudbloods chuckled at me in spite as I clutched my head in despair.
I hope this is not a recurring dream.
-V
Dear Diary,
Today my skin broke out in an awful rash. I scratched my bald head for hours wondering just what could have instigated this turmoil, and my thoughts soon took me to the muggle produce that I had acquired not so long ago.
After reading the label, I realised it contained something called dihydroxyacetone. I promptly sent Severus to find out just exactly what this substance was.
Needless to say, he is now using the ingredient to brew up some very interesting potion. I did not, however, disclose to him my inspiration.
I must now put my quill down and resume itching my scaly body,
-Lordy
Dear Diary,
It is on this bright and sunny day, where muggles are outside relishing in the sun, that my mood is most desolate.
I am in the mood for some deep and emotional discussion. Let me convey to you, O Diary, of my most dark secret.
I wish to adopt a litter of wolf cubs.
As much as I complain about the fully grown wolves, and I do realise that they are a breed of filth, I just cannot help but find the young ones simply adorable!
I shall retrieve at least one, and I shall call him Benny.
-L.V
A/N: You may review in pain.