Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate Christmas! I think that we were emhorribly/em cheated of a Lucifer Christmas episode, so I wrote something of my own. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Lucifer.
"Are you telling me that Santa Claus killed this man?"
Chloe sighed. She should have expected this. "I'm saying that the murder weapon was this Santa figurine, which was used to beat a man's head in."
"So Santa killed him?" Lucifer confirmed, looking far too gleeful about it.
"Operative word being killed, Lucifer," Chloe snapped. "Meaning someone is dead. Could you show a little decorum?"
"Yes, right." Lucifer turned around to look at the grieving widow, who was talking to Dan and trying valiantly not to cry. "I'm very sorry for your loss," Lucifer told her, putting a hand on her shoulder, "and I promise we will bring Santa Claus to justice."
"Lucifer!" Chloe snapped, grabbing his arm and dragging him away.
"I was being sympathetic!" Lucifer protested.
"Sure you were," Chloe muttered. "Ella, are there any fingerprints on the Santa statue?"
"Killer wiped it clean," Ella replied, frowning at the statue and the dead body. "I'm thinking it was a guy. Or a really tall woman. I mean, the vic wasn't exactly short, and the angle of the blow makes it look like the killer was taller than he was."
"Killer must have been strong too," Lucifer added, and Chloe looked up to see that he was doing a few practice swings with the Santa statue.
"Lucifer!"
"I'm wearing gloves!" Lucifer protested. He held the Santa statue up over his head and swung it down at the same angle Ella had judged was probably used to kill the victim. "This dreadful statue is heavy, and to hit someone with enough force to kill them with a single blow would take a lot of strength."
"So we're looking for a strong man or a strong, tall woman," Chloe stated with a sigh. "That doesn't limit things much."
"Hey." Dan came over at that moment, holding a clipboard where he'd jotted down the wife's statement. "Just finished talking to Mrs. Franks, and it turns out she and the vic haven't even been married a month. Before that, she had a pretty ugly divorce with a man named..." Dan checked the paper. "Richard Jones. Apparently, Mrs. Franks was cheating on her husband with our vic for a long time before she and Jones split. She says she's considering filing a restraining order against Jones, because he still won't leave her alone. Apparently, he's said some pretty threatening things."
"Do we have an address?" Chloe asked.
"Got it right here," Dan replied, passing a piece of paper to Chloe.
"So there's our first stop," Chloe stated. "C'mon, Lucifer, let's go take a look."
"But we have the killer right here!" Lucifer protested, holding up the statue. "Jolly old St. Nicholas isn't so jolly after all!"
"Come on," Chloe huffed, grabbing Lucifer's arm and dragging him to her patrol car.
"Oh, alright, Detective." Lucifer yanked his arm free and smoothed down his suit. "I can walk myself, you know."
"Just get in the car," Chloe sighed, climbing in behind the wheel. Lucifer sat in the passenger seat, still fussing with his suit. "And stop being such a big baby about your clothes," Chloe added. "Your suit is fine."
"Easy for you to say," Lucifer muttered, but he just fiddled with the cufflinks for a moment longer before leaving his suit alone.
The drive to Jones' house took them through some of the main streets of LA, where Christmas decorations were out in full force. They'd started popping up a few days after Halloween, increased exponentially after Thanksgiving, and now that it was less than a week until Christmas, it seemed impossible to go anywhere without seeing at least two Santas and a snowman.
"I hate all this Christmas rubbish," Lucifer muttered. He scowled as they passed a church with a nativity scene out front. "Jesus wasn't even born in December!"
"That's not the point, Lucifer," Chloe countered. "It's a holiday about family and giving."
"Yes, well, it's a foolish one," Lucifer retorted childishly. "As if we'll actually ever have peace on earth."
"It would be nice," Chloe offered.
Lucifer gave her a look. "No, it would be bloody boring, and you'd be out of a job."
"You're impossible," Chloe huffed. Lucifer crossed his arms and looked stubbornly out the window. Chloe wondered how on earth she'd gotten stuck with a five year old as a partner.
The silence in the car quickly became somewhat uncomfortable. Chloe reached for the radio, intending on turning on some music to make things less awkward. Before she could even touch the dial, however, Lucifer slapped her hand away with an emphatic, "Don't you dare."
"Excuse me?" Chloe demanded.
"If you turn on that radio, it'll just be more of those horrible Christmas songs," Lucifer grumbled. "I swear, if I have to listen to that song about that bloody reindeer one more time..."
"Fine," Chloe retorted, leaving the radio alone. "We'll just sit here in silence, then." Chloe had the feeling that Lucifer wouldn't be able to handle that. Sure enough...
"Must those obnoxiously twinkly lights be everywhere?" Lucifer demanded, scowling out the window. "They'll give someone a seizure."
"They're not going to cause a seizure," Chloe retorted. "I think they're nice."
"Course you do," Lucifer muttered, sounding put out.
"What is up with you?" Chloe demanded. "Why do you hate Christmas so much?"
"Because it's a truly horrible holiday," Lucifer retorted. "It was bad enough a few centuries ago when people spent the day praying, but ever since you came up with Santa Claus, it's just gotten to a point of hypocrisy that even I find distasteful. It's not about 'family' or 'giving,' Detective. It's about getting."
"You didn't celebrate as a kid, did you?" Chloe asked.
Lucifer snorted. "No, most definitely not."
"Well, kids love it," Chloe replied. "Trixie loves it. And it's not just that she gets presents, even though she does like that. But she's been working on making gifts in her room for the past month and I'm not allowed to see what they are. We put up the tree last week and Trixie got tangled in the tinsel. She was having the time of her life." Chloe shrugged. "Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that other people can't."
Lucifer scowled. "If getting tangled up in tinsel is so exciting to your child, I think she's rather deprived of actual excitement."
Chloe sighed. "All I'm saying is, there are nice parts about Christmas too. Maybe you should give it a chance."
Lucifer snorted derisively. "No, Detective, I rather think not. And this is our stop."
Chloe pulled the car over to the curb. "Alright, let's go." She climbed out of the car, taking in the house and yard. At her side, Lucifer was doing the same with a disgusted expression on his face.
"Definitely our killer," he stated with puzzling certainty.
"What makes you say that?" Chloe asked.
Lucifer gestured at the decorations in the yard. "Look at this. It's hideous. Only a depraved person would decorate like this."
Chloe looked around at the decorations, which comprised of a full Santa sleigh with reindeer, tinsel draped across tree branches, and lights wrapped around the stair rail. It looked perfectly nice to her, but she'd given up trying to pretend Lucifer was anywhere near normal. "Let's talk to the guy instead of convict him based on his lawn, okay?"
"If you insist," Lucifer sighed. He glared at the decorations as they walked past. Chloe sighed. Christmas was in a week, and she had the feeling it would be a very long week.
"Has Lucifer always been such a Scrooge?" Chloe asked Maze that night. Trixie was in bed and Chloe had decided to indulge herself, letting Maze make her a drink that probably had a ridiculously high alcohol content. She'd had half a glass and already felt a little tipsy. Somehow, Maze had drank three glasses and appeared unaffected.
"Was he whining about Christmas decorations?" Maze asked, sipping from her fourth glass. She had to have a liver of iron.
"Yeah," Chloe replied, swirling her drink. "What's up with it?"
"I'm not a huge fan of Christmas either," Maze offered.
"But you only whined about the decorations once," Chloe countered. "Lucifer spent most of the day complaining."
Maze sighed, taking another sip from her glass. "You know that Lucifer and his family have some... issues, right?"
"Yeah," Chloe replied, frowning. Lucifer clearly had a huge amount of daddy issues, and some mommy issues on top.
"Well, Christmas is..." Maze snorted. "It's sort of a big deal for his family. So he has to hate it, you know?"
"He told me that he didn't celebrate when he was a kid," Chloe countered.
"Because Christmas wasn't a thing then," Maze replied.
Chloe sighed and took a sip from her glass. "Right, because he's the Devil, and his fall predates the birth of Christ by quite a bit."
"Exactly," Maze replied, as if it actually made sense to think of Lucifer as the literal Devil. "But it's a big deal for them now. You've met Amenadiel. He's planning to spend the whole day in prayer."
"So Lucifer hates Christmas because it's important to his family," Chloe said slowly, deciding to once again ignore the whole "Devil" thing. "I guess that makes sense, but it seems a little extreme."
Maze snorted. "Lucifer doesn't do anything by halves," she replied, draining her fourth glass. "Do you want more?" she asked Chloe, gesturing at her cup.
"No, I'm good," Chloe replied, taking another sip. "I should probably go to bed."
"Hey," Maze called as Chloe crossed to the kitchen to put her glass in the dishwasher. "If anyone could get Lucifer to like Christmas, it would be you and Trixie."
"You think so?" Chloe asked.
Maze grinned and nodded. "Definitely. Just get Trixie to do her big eyes."
"Well, if they work on you..." Chloe began, grinning when Maze scowled.
"They don't work on me," she protested, which was a blatant lie. Chloe had seen Trixie use her puppy dog eyes on Maze, and they had definitely worked. "But I bet they'll work on Lucifer. He's getting soft."
"Okay," Chloe replied, too tired for an argument. "Goodnight, Maze."
"Oh, hey, remember, I'll be out of town until after Christmas," Maze called. "Bounty hunting gig."
"I thought you were going to watch Trixie tomorrow," Chloe countered, frowning.
Maze shook her head. "Can't. Get someone else to do it."
"Where am I going to find a babysitter at this point?" Chloe protested.
Maze shrugged. "Try Lucifer," she offered.
Chloe scowled. "Did you plan this?"
"Don't know what you're talking about," Maze replied breezily, putting her cup in the dishwasher and strolling into her room. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, but I'll be gone by noon."
"What's the point of having a roommate if they can't babysit?" Chloe muttered. She heard Maze snort in the other room.
Well, Lucifer wasn't her idea of an ideal babysitter, but Maze wasn't much better, and Chloe trusted her. If Lucifer agreed to it - which was a big if - Chloe was sure that Trixie, at least, would be thrilled.
"And why are you asking me to babysit your spawn?" Lucifer demanded the next morning when Chloe tentatively broached the topic. "Her father is right over there. Make him watch her."
"Dan is busy," Chloe replied. "Look, Lucifer, I wouldn't ask if I had any other options, okay?"
Immediately, Lucifer looked offended. "Do you not trust me with her?"
"Well, you do call her 'spawn,'" Chloe countered. "If you don't want to do it, I'll figure something else out."
"I'll do it," Lucifer declared. "And you needn't worry about a thing, Detective. Your sp- child will be perfectly alright, and I'll make sure she enjoys herself."
"Are you sure?" Chloe asked.
Lucifer scowled. "I can take care of one child, Detective. I did rule Hell, remember."
"Wow, you really never do break character, do you?" Ella asked in awe. Both Lucifer and Chloe startled a bit, turning to face her. Chloe hadn't realized she'd come over.
"Sorry," Ella apologized quickly. "Didn't mean to interrupt anything. But when we were looking through evidence, we found a couple of hairs that I think probably belong to the killer."
"What makes you so sure?" Chloe asked, following Ella to the lab while Lucifer trailed behind her.
"The wife said she'd just finished vacuuming downstairs, remember? So unless she's really bad at vacuuming, there shouldn't have been any hair that didn't belong to her or her husband." Ella produced an evidence bag with a flourish. "And neither of them have long blonde hair."
"Neither does the ex-husband," Chloe added.
"Are you sure the hairs are blonde and not white?" Lucifer asked in an innocent voice that meant he was anything but innocent. "After all, I believe Santa is still our leading suspect."
"Ignore him," Chloe groaned. "So we're looking for someone tall and strong with long blonde hair?"
"I did some calculations and I think the killer was probably between six-one and six-two," Ella offered. "Or, if it was a woman, maybe she was wearing heels that made her that tall."
"So we're looking for men over six feet or women who can wear heels that put them over six feet," Chloe summarized. "Who are also blonde and strong."
"I might have a few suspects for you, but I can vouch for the alibis of three of them," Lucifer offered. "The fourth woman is a brunette."
"Ugh," Chloe groaned. "Lucifer, can you please tone it down?"
"I'm trying to help catch a killer, Detective," Lucifer retorted, looking affronted. "If you'd rather I didn't, I could leave."
"You need to pick up Trixie in..." Chloe checked her watch. "Half an hour. Until then, can you please behave yourself while we talk to Mrs. Franks' ex-husband? Even if he's not blonde, I think we should cover our bases."
"Alright," Lucifer sighed. "Perhaps he wore a wig when he murdered Franks. You never know."
"The wife might also just be a bad vacuumer," Ella added. "We don't know definitively that the hair belongs to the killer. But I've got a good feeling about it." Realizing what she'd said, Ella quickly backtracked, "I mean, not that I have good feelings about a guy being murdered with a Santa statue, but I think the blonde hair is the murderer's."
"Mr. Jones might have some ideas, even if he didn't kill Mr. Franks," Chloe stated. "Come on, Lucifer. We'll get the interrogation done, then we'll go get Trixie."
"I love interrogating people," Lucifer said cheerfully as he and Chloe walked over to the interrogation room. "Can I be the bad cop this time?"
"Are you ever not the bad cop?" Chloe countered.
Lucifer looked wounded. "I'm charming!" he protested. "People like me!"
"Maybe before you open your mouth," Chloe told Lucifer before opening the doors to the interrogation room and striding inside. Lucifer pouted and followed her in.
"I want my lawyer," Jones demanded immediately. "And you have no proof that I did anything."
"Your lawyer has been contacted and is on her way," Chloe replied, sitting down in the chair opposite Jones. Lucifer perched on the table. "You don't have to say a word until she gets here if you don't want to. But I've gotta say, your defense doesn't look all that great. You don't have a solid alibi. We know that you threatened both your ex-wife and her new husband. And you're just the right height for our killer."
Jones scowled. "I didn't like David Franks. I'll admit that. But I didn't kill him either."
"Give us some proof that you were somewhere else and you can go," Chloe offered.
Jones scowl deepened. "I told you, I was home alone, watching TV. I watch the news at the same time every morning."
"Doesn't mean you didn't take a break to go kill your ex-wife's new hubby," Lucifer put in. "Is that what you wanted? For her to hurt the way you did?"
Jones' eyes began looking a bit hazy, the same way people always looked when Lucifer did his little "what do you want" trick on them. "I wanted..."
"What did you what?" Lucifer urged, an unnerving smile on his face.
"I wanted her to know the truth," Jones said slowly. "I wanted her to know what it was like to love someone who was cheating on you."
"Are you saying that Mr. Franks was cheating on his wife?" Chloe demanded.
"Detective!" Lucifer hissed, waving a hand dismissively towards her. He refocused all of his attention on Jones and continued his freaky hypnotism. "And is that all you wanted?"
"I just wanted her to feel the way I did," Jones admitted helplessly. "I wanted her to know that David was cheating on her, and I wanted it to hurt."
"Mr. Jones, are you certain that Mr. Franks was having an affair?" Chloe asked.
Jones blinked. "I want my lawyer before I say anything else," he said, looking uneasily at Lucifer.
"Like I said, she's on her way," Chloe told him. "But if you can give us the name of David Franks' mistress, it might help us solve the case and clear your name."
Jones looked from Chloe to Lucifer again. "Marlayne," he finally said. "Marlayne Janssen. Now I'm really not gonna say anything else without my lawyer."
"That's alright," Chloe replied, standing. "She'll be brought here when she arrives. Thank you for cooperating."
"The name sounds Dutch," Lucifer remarked as he and Chloe stepped out of the interrogation room and closed the doors behind them. "And if she's Dutch, she's probably tall and blonde. We may have our killer, Detective." Suddenly, Lucifer's face lit up. "Maybe she knows somewhere where I can get good Dutch food. Every since Freddie died and his food truck closed, I haven't been able to find good stroopwafels anywhere."
"Ms. Janssen may very well be a killer," Chloe stated slowly, as if Lucifer didn't get it.
Lucifer shrugged. "I don't think that affects her ability to tell me where to find stroopwafels."
"You're impossible," Chloe huffed. Lucifer beamed as if that were a compliment. "Alright, we'll find Ms. Janssen's address and then I'll go talk to her while you pick up Trixie."
"I'm not coming with you?" Lucifer looked offended. "I thought we were partners!"
"You have to pick up Trixie," Chloe countered. "If there's enough evidence to bring Ms. Janssen back to the station, you can interrogate her later."
Lucifer pouted, but Chloe had the impression that he saw watching Trixie as a bit of a challenge that Chloe had laid out for him, and she was certain he would never back down from a challenge. True to character, he griped about it for a minute, but when Chloe sent him off to go get Trixie, he did.
Chloe just hoped that nothing went too horribly wrong.
"I wanna watch a Christmas movie!" Trixie chirped as she dragged Lucifer through the door.
"Lovely," Lucifer replied dryly. "You can do that and I'll-"
"You need to watch with me!" Trixie demanded.
Lucifer made a face. "Must I?"
"We're gonna watch Elf," Trixie stated, grabbing Lucifer's hand and dragging him to the couch. "I think you're gonna like it."
"Rather doubtful," Lucifer muttered, but he allowed himself to be shoved into a sitting position. A moment later, Trixie situated herself on his lap, which was where he drew the line.
"I think you should sit by yourself," he told Trixie, lifting her off his lap and placing her next to him on the couch.
"I wanna sit in your lap!" Trixie protested, scrambling back up. "Mommy and Maze let me!"
"Maze lets you?" Lucifer repeated.
Trixie nodded, bouncing until she got comfortable. "And so does Mommy. And Daddy. I want to sit in your lap too."
"You're not going to let me get out of watching this movie with you, are you?" Lucifer asked, eyeing the television with trepidation.
"No," Trixie replied seriously.
"Alright then," Lucifer sighed, shifting to get as comfortable as he could be with Trixie in his lap. "I suppose you'd better start it, then."
An hour and a half later, Lucifer had dropped all pretense of not being engaged in the movie. "And so the father just gets away with it?" he demanded as the credits began to roll. "No one calls him out on how horrible he is?"
"Michael did," Trixie countered, turning to look at Lucifer. "And he learned his lesson."
"A father should never treat their son like that," Lucifer muttered angrily.
"But it had a happy ending!" Trixie protested. "And the dad was nice at the end!" Eyeing Lucifer, she added, "Did you like it?"
"It wasn't unbearable," Lucifer replied dryly.
Trixie frowned. "You sounded like you liked it," she countered. "I think you're lying. Mommy says not to lie."
"I don't lie," Lucifer replied sharply. "And I didn't say that I didn't like it. I said that it wasn't unbearable."
"I think you liked it," Trixie declared. "It's my favorite Christmas movie."
"How many Christmas movies are there?" Lucifer asked, frowning.
"A lot," Trixie replied sagely. "Mommy likes one called Love, Actually, but she won't let me watch it."
"Sounds dreadful," Lucifer muttered.
"What should we do now?" Trixie asked, bouncing up and down on Lucifer's lap. He gently - or, at least, somewhat gently - pushed her off. Undeterred, Trixie crawled back up.
"Can we make a gingerbread house?"
"I have no clue how to do that," Lucifer replied. "When is your mother going to be home?"
"I don't know," Trixie replied. "Can we make paper snowflakes?"
"Most definitely not," Lucifer replies, pulling his phone out of his pocket and sending a text off to Chloe. He'd sat through the entire movie with Trixie. Surely that had to be the end of his duties.
i'll be home in an hour, Chloe texted back. Lucifer made a face. Apparently, it wasn't.
"Can we make a paper chain?" Trixie asked.
"Waste of paper," Lucifer pronounced. "And your mother will be home in an hour."
Trixie's eyes went wide. "Can you help me with Mommy's Christmas present?" she asked in an undertone.
Well, this had the potential to be interesting.
"Course I can," Lucifer replied. Trixie grabbed his arm and dragged him into her room. "What is it?"
"I was gonna make her a potholder with my loom," Trixie explained, opening a dresser drawer and pulling out a small metal loom with a half-finished square - a potholder, apparently - on it. "But I did that last year, and I want to do something different this year." Trixie continued to rummage around in the drawer, shoving sweaters out of the way. "Then I was gonna make her something with my Perler beads," she added, pulling out a bag of little plastic beads, "but they need to be ironed and I can't use the iron myself."
"Do you have an iron?" Lucifer asked. Chloe came in with wrinkled shirts often enough that he doubted it.
"I think so," Trixie replied, frowning. "Could you iron it?"
"I could," Lucifer replied. This seemed as good a way as any to keep Trixie occupied for the next hour. "I assume you want it finished before your mother gets home?"
"She can't see it!" Trixie cried immediately. "It needs to be a surprise!"
"Then we'll have to work quickly," Lucifer replied, hoping that would keep Trixie focused enough that he wouldn't have to deal with her. "Shall we do it on the kitchen table?"
Trixie pulled out the bag of beads and a few strange spiky trays and brought them to the table. Lucifer watched as she looked over the trays and selected a circular one to use. Slowly, she began putting beads onto the spikes, making a spiral design. Satisfied that she was occupied with that, Lucifer sat down and pulled out his phone. Maze had gone on Words With Friends, so Lucifer had to beat her.
"Mommy's is ready," Trixie stated about fifteen minutes later, pushing the circular tray over to Lucifer. Trixie had finished her pink and orange spirals, and the word MOM was written in pink in the middle.
"Lovely," Lucifer replied. "Where's the iron?"
"In the hall closet, I think," Trixie replied, pulling out another tray and beginning to make another pattern. Lucifer had no idea who this one was for, but he wasn't about to stop Trixie when she was doing something that meant he could relax.
The iron, along with an ironing board, was in the closet, just as Trixie said. Lucifer got it set up and stared at the little tray. "How exactly am I supposed to iron it?"
"I think the instructions are in here," Trixie replied, passing Lucifer a folded piece of paper. Lucifer scanned it and went to the kitchen. He found parchment paper quickly and ripped off a piece, laying it on top of the tray. Then he picked up the iron and, feeling a little foolish, ran it in circles on top of the beads for about ten seconds. When he pulled it away, they did seem to be fused together, the way they were supposed to be.
"You need to flip it over and do it again on the other side," Trixie offered. Lucifer flipped the tray and slid the beads off it gently. Trixie was still working on her new project, whatever it was.
"Don't forget to let it cool, or it'll burn you," Trixie told Lucifer sagely. Lucifer doubted some half-melted beads could do him any real damage, but he obediently left the beads to cool.
"Is that another one for your mother?" he asked.
Trixie shook her head. "This is for Maze," she replied, frowning as she painstakingly put the beads into position.
"For Maze?" Lucifer repeated dumbly.
"Yeah," Trixie replied. "I'm gonna give it to her after she gets back. And then I need to make one for Daddy, and then one for-" Trixie's eyes widened and she clamped her mouth shut before finishing the sentence.
"A secret?" Lucifer asked. "I'm good at figuring out secrets."
"No, you can't!" Trixie squealed. "It needs to be a surprise!"
Lucifer blinked. She couldn't mean… "Are you making me a present?"
"I can't tell you what it is!" Trixie cried immediately. "It needs to be a surprise!"
"Yes, of course," Lucifer agreed distractedly. If Trixie was making him a present, that meant he should probably get something for her. And if he was going to get something for her, he should probably get something for Chloe as well.
For a holiday he didn't celebrate, Christmas was quickly growing complicated.
"You've got your wish," Chloe told Lucifer the next morning in a horribly early phone call. "Marlayne Janssen is in custody. Want to join me for the interrogation?"
"I do need to find someplace to get stroopwafels," Lucifer agreed, getting dressed quickly and heading down to the station.
"She's tall, strong, and blonde, so she fits the physical profile," Chloe told Lucifer when he arrived at the station. "And if she was having an affair with Mr. Franks, there's probably a motive in there somewhere."
"Looks like our case will be all wrapped up for Christmas," Lucifer quipped. Chloe rolled her eyes as they walked into the interrogation room.
"I'm not talking," Marlayne declared immediately in accented English.
"We can do the talking, then," Chloe replied. "Your name is Marlayne Janssen. You have dual Dutch and American citizenship. You were having an affair with David Franks. And you match the physical profile of his murderer."
"You have no proof," Marlayne spat.
"Marlayne," Lucifer crooned, "look at me. Come on, darling. I just want to ask you a question." Slowly, Marlayne turned to face Lucifer. "What do you desire, Marlayne?"
Marlayne's eyes went a little hazy. "All I wanted was David," she whispered. "He- I just wanted him."
"Did you kill him?" Lucifer asked softly.
"I didn't want to," Marlayne breathed, just barely on the edge of a sob. "I didn't mean to."
"Miss Janssen," Chloe said quietly. Marlayne blinked. "Tell me what happened."
"I-" Marlayne looked at Lucifer in shock and fear. "I didn't mean-"
"If you confess what happened, you might be able to get a plea deal," Chloe added. "Tell me what happened."
Marlayne's eyes flickered to Lucifer again, then she looked at Chloe. "David and I were together before he was with the bitch he married," she finally says. "I didn't know anything about her. And then I went home for a week and when I got back he was married. He wanted to keep what we had. He thought I would be satisfied being his piece on the side." Marlayne's fists clenched in fury. "I didn't want to kill him, I swear, but we started arguing and then it just happened."
"And so you ran," Chloe finished.
"He was a piece of shit," Marlayne retorted. "He deserved everything I did to him."
"Marlayne Janssen," Chloe stated, "you are under arrest for the murder of David Franks."
"Oh, last thing," Lucifer said as he followed Chloe to the door, "do you know where to find good stroopwafels?"
"Lucifer!" Chloe hissed, dragging him out of the room.
"It was an innocent question!" Lucifer protested.
"Well, that was an easy case," Ella said, passing Chloe a file. "Her hair is a match for the one we found."
"And she just confessed," Chloe added. "Now someone just has to tell Mrs. Franks."
"Ouch." Ella winced.
"As lovely as I'm sure that'll be, I have somewhere else I need to be," Lucifer cut in. "I'll see you later, Detective. Lovely as ever, Ella."
"Trixie is already making plans to watch more Christmas movies with you," Chloe warned. "She wants you to come over tomorrow. She's convinced that you need to watch Polar Express."
"I await it with bated breath," Lucifer replied sarcastically, ducking out of the precinct. He reached Linda's office quickly and hoped that she wasn't busy. Perhaps he should have made an appointment earlier.
"Luci?"
Lucifer sighed and turned. "Hello, brother," he told Amenadiel. "Still sticking around the office, then?"
"What are you doing here?" Amenadiel asked, frowning.
"I came to see Dr. Martin," Lucifer replied. "Not that it's any of your business."
Amenadiel's frown deepened, not that he tended to have many other expressions, especially not when talking with Lucifer. "She's in with a patient."
Lucifer scowled. "I suppose I'll have to wait."
"Have you seen Maze lately?" Amenadiel asked, trying far too hard to sound casual. "I haven't seen her around."
"She's away until after Christmas," Lucifer replied. "Maybe she didn't want to hear you drone on all day."
"I suppose you'll be treating Christmas as just any other day?" Amenadiel retorted.
"I'm here to ask Dr. Martin for advice on presents, actually," Lucifer countered.
"You would have latched on to the capitalist portion of it," Amenadiel muttered.
"What, you think I should rejoice that our Father's favorite son was born?" Lucifer scoffed. "Not bloody likely."
"Father didn't have favorites-"
Lucifer burst out laughing. "You're kidding me, right, Amenadiel? Father played favorites all the time. And Yeshua was always his favorite, no matter what the rest of us did."
"You'd been in Hell for millennia before He was born," Amenadiel retorted. "How would you know?"
"He was Father's favorite," Lucifer stated firmly. "And Father let him die. Really, what hope was there for the rest of us?"
Without another word, Amenadiel disappeared back into his office and closed the door. Lucifer huffed. "Rude."
"Lucifer?" Linda was standing in her doorway, looking surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I was wondering if we could talk, actually," Lucifer replied, stepping forward and offering Linda his most charming smile.
"I'm free for the next half hour," Linda replied, moving aside to let Lucifer in. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Christmas presents, actually," Lucifer replied, sitting down on the couch.
Linda blinked. "Christmas presents?"
"I'm having some difficulty," Lucifer replied. "I was wondering if you could help me."
"I didn't know you celebrated Christmas," Linda replied carefully.
"Oh, I don't," Lucifer assured her quickly. "But apparently Trixie is making me a gift, so I've got to get one for her."
"And you're having difficulty with it?" Linda tried.
"No, I knew exactly what to get her," Lucifer dismissed. "I've already got it, back at Lux. But then I thought that I should get a present for Detective Decker as well."
"And you're having trouble finding a present for Chloe," Linda finished, smiling.
"I don't know why it's so hard!" Lucifer cried. "I just can't find the right thing!"
"Sometimes presents are hard, Lucifer-"
"No, but it's just her!" Lucifer protested. "I mean, I found something for you easily."
"For me?" Linda repeated, stunned.
Lucifer flapped a dismissive hand. "I was out shopping for Chloe and I found something that I thought you would like. I found something for Ella as well, and I even got something for Maze. I'm still deciding whether or not to get the nativity scene that I saw for Amenadiel." He grinned wickedly. "It's all animals, with a baby pig for Jesus. He'd hate it."
"And yet you couldn't find anything for Chloe," Linda asked.
"I couldn't find anything that was right," Lucifer agreed. "What do you think she'd like?"
"I don't know Detective Decker very well, Lucifer," Linda replied. "I don't know what she would want."
"But you're both women," Lucifer protested. "Can't you figure something out?"
"I don't know the detective well enough to tell you what to get her," Linda repeated. "But I do know you, Lucifer, and I think you're anxious about this."
"I'm not anxious," Lucifer retorted dismissively. "I'm irritated. There's a difference."
"And I think that irritation comes from anxiety," Linda replied. "You want to find the perfect gift for Chloe, and you're worried that you won't be able to because you care about her."
"I wasn't even going to get her a present until yesterday afternoon," Lucifer dismissed.
"And now you're very caught-up about it." Linda shrugged. "What do you think, Lucifer?"
"I think you've been no help at all." Lucifer stood. "You haven't given me a single suggestion."
"Get her something from the heart, Lucifer," Linda replied, standing as well. "She'll like whatever it is if you give it from the heart."
"Bollocks advice," Lucifer declared. "Also, I don't know if I'll be able to make our session tomorrow. Trixie has apparently made plans to show me another Christmas movie."
"Another one?" Linda repeated.
"She made me watch Elf," Lucifer replied. "Apparently the next one is about a train. I really haven't a clue where humans come up with these things." Lucifer clapped. "Anyway, I'll come on Christmas to drop off your gift, shall I?"
"I'm not working on Christmas, Lucifer," Linda explained slowly. "I'm taking Christmas and Christmas Eve off."
"Then I'll come on Friday," Lucifer replied stubbornly. "Until then, Doctor."
"I'll see you then," Linda replied, a slight smile on her face. She pulled the door shut as Lucifer left the office, heading out to his car. He considered going back to Lux, then changed his mind.
He still had Christmas shopping to do, after all.
"Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe."
The credits for The Polar Express began to roll and Josh Groban began to sing, but Chloe was paying more attention to Lucifer. To her surprise, he'd seemed engaged through the whole movie. Even more surprising, he hadn't protested at all when Trixie decided to watch it in his lap. Chloe was only a little bit suspicious.
"What did you think?" Trixie demanded, turning around to face Lucifer.
"If the parents don't believe in Santa, then who do they think leaves the presents under the tree?" Lucifer asked, sounding honestly confused.
Chloe couldn't help it. She burst out laughing.
"No, I'm serious!" Lucifer protested. "How do they think those gifts are showing up there?"
"It's just a movie, Lucifer," Chloe countered. "I think you're overthinking it a little." Lucifer scowled. "I'm surprised you like it," Chloe added. "I thought you weren't a big fan of Christmas."
"You don't like Christmas?" Trixie demanded, sounding horrified.
"Not particularly," Lucifer replied with a shrug.
"Mommy, he doesn't like Christmas!" Trixie cried, throwing herself at Chloe.
"Think we should change that, monkey?" Chloe asked, pulling Trixie up onto her hip.
"Yeah!" Trixie cheered.
Lucifer's eyes were wide and maybe a tiny bit frightened. "What do you have planned?"
"Well, you're coming over on Christmas morning, for one," Chloe declared.
"I already planned to do that," Lucifer replied dismissively. "That is the traditional time to exchange presents, isn't it?"
"Presents?" Chloe echoed.
"Did you get me a present?" Trixie squealed, sounding thrilled.
"You'll see on Christmas morning," Lucifer replied, leaning back on the couch.
"I thought you didn't like Christmas commercialism," Chloe countered.
"Detective, I am the Devil," Lucifer replied, shrugging. "Anything that's even slightly morally questionable tends to be my thing."
"What does morally questionable mean?" Trixie asked, stumbling a bit over the unfamiliar words.
"Nothing, honey," Chloe replied. She set Trixie down on the ground. "Why don't you go play, monkey? Lucifer and I have some grown-up things to talk about."
"Okay!" Trixie ran off to her room without complaint.
Chloe sat down on the couch next to Lucifer, eyeing him warily. "You do have a gift for her, don't you? You weren't just making something up?"
"What sort of person do you take me for?" Lucifer retorted. "Of course I have a gift for her. I did all of my Christmas shopping a few days ago. Well, most of it."
"All of your Christmas shopping?" Chloe repeated. "You mean you're not just getting a gift for Chloe?"
"Of course not," Lucifer replied, waving a hand. "I've got to get presents for everyone, right? That's how I spread the Christmas cheer and all." He grinned mischievously at Chloe. "Satan Claus is coming to town!"
"Satan Claus?" Chloe repeated in a voice heavy with disbelief. "You're joking, right?"
"Not at all," Lucifer replied, still grinning. "And believe me, I have some Christmas presents back at Lux that I fully intend on giving to people. Trixie included, of course." Lucifer checked his watch. "Speaking of Lux, I really must be getting back. Will I see you at the precinct tomorrow?"
"I still have to finish up the Franks case," Chloe replied, nodding. "And I'll be there on Friday. I've got the weekend off, though."
"I'll be seeing you this weekend, I know that," Lucifer replied with a grin. "Anyway, got to go. Tell Trixie I said goodbye. I'd rather escape without a hug."
"Trixie!" Chloe called instead. "Lucifer's leaving!"
"Oh, you…" Lucifer began, eyes wide, but Trixie came barreling out of her room and into his legs before he could finish.
"Bye, Lucifer!" she chirped. "I can't wait until Christmas!"
"Yes, I'll see you then," Lucifer replied, trying awkwardly to untangle himself from Trixie's arms. "I'll see you then." He looked up at Chloe when Trixie showed no signs of letting go. Help! he mouthed.
"Lucifer has to go, monkey," Chloe told Trixie, although she'd enjoyed watching him squirm. "He'll be back on Christmas."
"Yay!" Trixie squeezed Lucifer one last time, then let go. Lucifer nodded at her, then at Chloe, and then he fled before Trixie could hug him again.
"I can't wait to see what Lucifer got me!" Trixie cried.
"Yeah, it should be interesting," Chloe agreed.
"I wonder what he got you, Mommy," Trixie added.
Chloe frowned. "I don't think he got anything for me."
"He said he had presents for everyone," Trixie countered.
Chloe's frown deepened. "How did you know that?"
"I listened to you two," Trixie admitted without a hint of shame. "What do you think he got you?"
"I don't know," Chloe replied distractedly.
If Lucifer had gotten her a present, did that mean she had to get one for him?
"Hey, Trixie?" Chloe asked casually. "Did you make a present for Lucifer?"
"Yup!" Trixie replied. "I made an ornament with my Perler beads! But I need you to iron it for me."
"Okay, honey," Chloe replied, feeling somewhat distracted again. What was she going to get Lucifer?
"Did you make him a present?" Trixie asked eagerly.
"I don't have a present for him yet, no," Chloe replied.
Trixie's eyes went wide. "Then you gotta get one, Mommy!" she cried. "We should go shopping right now!"
"Right now?" Chloe repeated. "Monkey-"
"Come on!" Trixie grabbed Chloe's arm and started dragging her towards the door. "We have to go now!"
"Okay!" Chloe agreed, laughing. "Okay. Let me get my wallet first."
Trixie waited obediently by the door while Chloe grabbed her wallet and her coat. "Let's go!" she cried, grabbing Chloe's arm again.
"I have to get my shoes on!" Chloe laughed. "Give me a second, Trixie."
"Hurry up, or all the good presents will be gone!" Trixie cried. "Come on, Mommy!"
"I'm coming, silly monkey!" Chloe replied as Trixie dragged her out the door.
Between the two of them, they'd be able to figure out something nice to get Lucifer… Right?
Lucifer figured that Amenadiel didn't want to see him, so he left Amenadiel's present in front of the door and knocked, then quickly moved past the door to hide in the doorway of Linda's office. "Lucifer?" Linda asked, frowning slightly.
"Shh," Lucifer hissed, peeking his head out to see Amenadiel. He frowned down at the wrapped package, then knelt down and picked it up. A moment later, he disappeared back into his office with the gift in hand.
"Good, he took it." Lucifer went all the way into Linda's office, pulling the door closed behind him. "Sorry, I just figured I would drop of Amenadiel's gift when I gave you yours."
"Lucifer, you really didn't have to-"
"I already have the gift, so you can't stop me now," Lucifer declared, pulling the box out of his coat pocket. He tossed it to Linda carelessly, and she barely managed to catch it.
"I don't have anything-"
"Didn't expect you to," Lucifer replied. "You're present enough, my dear. Now open it up."
Slowly, Linda pushed the bow off the box and undid the wrapping paper. Lucifer watched eagerly as she opened it up.
"Oh my God, Lucifer, are those real?"
"What sort of person do you take me for?" Lucifer retorted, almost offended. "Of course they're real."
Linda's eyes were as wide as saucers as her fingers traced the diamond necklace and earrings. "I can't accept these, Lucifer."
"Sure you can," Lucifer dismissed. "As a thank you for putting up with my literally cosmic issues. Come on, doctor, you know you want to."
"I…" Linda looked down at the necklaces again, then looked up at Lucifer. "Are you sure?"
"Already threw away the receipt," Lucifer replied with a grin. "Can't return them now. I'm afraid you'll have to keep them."
"They're beautiful," Linda told Lucifer, giving him a tight hug. "Thank you so much."
There was a sound of outrage a few doors down, and the telltale thump of something being thrown out the door. Lucifer smirked.
"I think Amenadiel opened his present. I don't think he appreciates it as much as you do."
"Lucifer," Linda scolded.
"Have a lovely Christmas, Dr. Martin," Lucifer said, giving Linda a quick kiss that made her take a step back in shock. "Shall we resume sessions next week, or should we take a week off?"
"Next week is fine," Linda replied, still a little shocked. "And no kissing, remember?"
"If you insist," Lucifer sighed. "Until next week, then." Lucifer winked at Linda as he left the office, pleased that his gift had been so well-received. It seemed he was rather good at this.
He walked past the box he'd given Amenadiel, smirking at it. Not all of his gifts were well-received, it seemed, but that one wasn't supposed to be. It was much more entertaining to make Amenadiel throw it out the door.
Still smirking and wishing he'd somehow managed to set up a camera in Amenadiel's office, Lucifer got into his convertible and drove to the precinct. He wasn't going to give Chloe her present until Christmas morning, but he had something for Ella, and he'd even found a gag gift for Dan.
Christmas was wonderful. Lucifer had no idea why he'd avoided celebrating it for so long.
"I come bearing gifts!" Lucifer announced as he entered the evidence room, where Ella was looking over something with Chloe and Dan. "Not for you, Detective, you don't get yours until Christmas morning."
"You're spending Christmas with Lucifer?" Dan demanded.
"Don't worry, I have a present for you," Lucifer told Dan, shoving a small box at him. "And a present for you, Ella," he added, handing Ella a large gift bag.
"Aww, you shouldn't have!" Ella said, hugging Lucifer tightly. "Can I open it now or do I have to wait until Christmas?"
"By all means, open it now," Lucifer replied, waving a hand. "You too, Detective Douche."
Dan gave Lucifer a dirty look, but he undid the wrapping. Chloe tried to mask her snort as a cough when he uncovered what was underneath.
"Do you like it?" Lucifer asked with a grin. "'World's Biggest Douche.' I thought it suited you."
Dan rolled his eyes. "I can see you put a lot of thought into this."
"Also got you these," Lucifer added, tossing another wrapped box at Dan.
Dan barely caught it, looking at it dubiously. "Another mug?"
"Would I have thrown a mug at you?" Lucifer demanded. Dan arched an eyebrow. "Okay, yes, I would, but I didn't. Open it up, there's a good detective."
Dan ripped away the paper to reveal the Blu-Ray box set of the Body Bag movies. "You're welcome," Lucifer told him, grinning widely.
"Did he just do something nice?" Dan asked Chloe in a stage whisper. Chloe smacked him. "Um, thanks, I guess," Dan told Lucifer, looking down at the movies.
"Like I said, you're welcome, Detective Douche," Lucifer replied. Dan rolled his eyes.
"My turn!" Ella chirped, pulling the tissue paper out of the bag. She pulled out the denim jacket that Lucifer had gotten her and looked at it with wide eyes. "Whoa. This is a nice jacket! How much did it cost?"
"More than Dan's movies, but less than Dr. Martin's diamond earrings and necklace," Lucifer replied with a shrug.
"You got your therapist diamond jewelry?" Chloe demanded.
Lucifer winked. "Wondering about your present, are you, Detective? You'll see it on Christmas, don't worry."
"It fits perfectly," Ella declared, looking down at the jacket she'd tried on. "Thanks, Lucifer!" She pulled him into another hug. Lucifer begrudgingly returned this one, knowing Ella wouldn't let go until he did.
"You're welcome," he told her. "Can you let go of me now?"
Ella beamed widely as she pulled away. "I got you something too," she told Lucifer, pulling a small box out of her bag.
"Ooh, do tell," Lucifer replied, eyeing the box eagerly.
"If you don't like them, you can return them," Ella told Lucifer as she handed him the box.
"It's the thought that counts, isn't it?" Lucifer asked, undoing the wrapping paper and opening the box.
Inside was a pair of silver cufflinks, each embossed with the image of a star. "I just thought you might like them," Ella remarked, shrugging. "You can totally return them, it's okay."
"Why would I do that?" Lucifer replied, tugging his typical M-shaped cufflinks off and putting on the new ones. "They're lovely."
Ella beamed and pulled Lucifer into yet another hug. Chloe disguised another laugh as a cough. Lucifer bit back the impulse to ask Ella if she would ever stop hugging him. It was nearly Christmas, and that probably wasn't in the Christmas spirit.
"And you, Detective Decker, get your gift on Christmas," Lucifer declared, ignoring the flutter of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't anxious about something as small as a present for a friend, of course not. The fact that he still wasn't quite sure whether or not his present was good enough didn't worry him at all.
"I'm looking forward to it," Chloe replied with a smile. Lucifer forced himself to smile back.
At nine-thirty precisely on Christmas morning, Lucifer knocked three times on Chloe's door. Trixie was the one to answer the door, a huge smile on her face.
"Lucifer!" she squealed, grabbing him in a tight hug. "Mommy, Lucifer's here!"
"I see," Chloe agreed, stepping up behind Trixie. "Merry Christmas, Lucifer."
"Merry Christmas, Detective." Lucifer held up the bag in his hand. "I come bearing gifts."
"Yay!" Trixie grabbed Lucifer's hand and dragged him into the living room. There were presents and bits of wrapping paper strewn everywhere, and the ornament Trixie had made for Chloe was hanging in a place of honor in the middle of the tree.
"Open my gift first!" Trixie cried, shoving a small wrapped package into Lucifer's hands.
Lucifer looked down at it in surprise. "Here's yours," he told Trixie, pulling a much bigger box out of his bag.
"One at a time!" Trixie scolded. "You first."
"Alright," Lucifer replied, unwrapping his present. Inside was a Perler bead ornament, done in reds and oranges, shaped like a fiery sun.
"Do you like it?" Trixie demanded. "Mommy says the morning star is Venus, but I thought it should be the sun, cause that's the star we see in the morning."
"It's lovely," Lucifer replied, shocked to find that his throat felt a little tight. It was ridiculous. He was the Devil, he didn't get emotional over ornaments made by eight year old girls. And yet…
"Your turn, I believe," Lucifer told Trixie, gesturing at the gift.
"Yay!" Trixie tore the wrapping paper off and ripped open the box. "Wow!"
"An All-American Doll," Chloe remarked dryly, arching an eyebrow.
"I recalled that she wanted one," Lucifer replied. "I assume it's alright, since I gave it to her as a Christmas gift?"
"Thank you, Lucifer!" Trixie cried, pulling Lucifer into a rib-cracking hug. "Mommy, you give Lucifer your present now!"
"Alright." Chloe picked up an envelope, decorated with a ribbon. "If you don't like it, no pressure."
"Open it, open it!" Trixie chanted.
Lucifer had the distinct feeling that, even if Chloe weren't pressuring him, Trixie unabashedly was. He slid the ribbon off the envelope and opened it, pulling out a gift card to a Mexican restaurant.
"I thought it looked like your kind of place you'd like," Chloe said, shrugging. "It's supposed to have good tamales. If you don't like it, that's fine."
"Great minds think alike, Detective," Lucifer replied with a grin, handing Chloe an envelope.
She opened it and gasped. "Lucifer, this is a gift card for two hundred dollars."
"Well, I had to be equal between you and your daughter," Lucifer replied with a shrug. "Anyway, it's an expensive restaurant. You'll need that much if you want to do a full order."
"You're crazy," Chloe muttered. "But thank you."
"You're welcome, Detective," Lucifer replied.
"Come on," Chloe urged, "we're not at work. Call me by my name."
"Very well, Chloe," Lucifer replied, letting the word roll around on his tongue.
"You should go to those restaurants together," Trixie declared. "On dates."
Chloe looked embarrassed. "Trixie-"
"I think that would be a marvelous idea, if you're alright with it," Lucifer interrupted.
Chloe blinked. "Um."
"We could try one and see how it goes," Lucifer suggested.
"Say yes, Mommy!" Trixie begged.
"I think it's time for breakfast," Chloe declared. "Come on, Lucifer. We always have French toast for Christmas breakfast."
"You didn't answer," Trixie accused.
Chloe's eyes flickered from Trixie to Lucifer. "She doesn't have to do if she doesn't want to," Lucifer told Trixie, ignoring the disappointment he felt.
"No, I…" Chloe nodded. "We'll give it a try. One date." She offered Lucifer a smirk. "And if you behave, maybe you'll get another one."
Lucifer's smile was so wide it almost hurt his face, but he would deny that if anyone ever asked. "Sounds lovely, Chloe."
"Okay, now French toast," Trixie declared.
Chloe laughed. "Alright, now French toast," she agreed. "You coming, Lucifer?"
"Most definitely," Lucifer replied, following Chloe and Trixie to the kitchen.
And when Chloe turned on the radio and it began to play obnoxious Christmas music, Lucifer didn't say a word.
Perhaps Christmas wasn't quite so bad after all.