Hokay, so. It was a dark and stormy night, right? Right! And far above the soggy grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in the highest room of the tallest tower, sat Severus Quadroplegius Snape, wallowing in enough angst to start his own emo band. "Oh lamentable day!" he cried, tears leaking from his eyes and other liquids leaking from his face thereof. "I am filled with such a burning, and yet I cannot be saved! This pain in my heart, caused by one thing only, is so deep, so fierce, that I fear it shall be the death of me! Oh if only t'were possible for me to be released from my misery!" TWANG!
Suddenly, and without any warning, a red corvette burst into the tower carrying four erstwhile teenagers. "Shit!" yelled one of them. "You killed the car!"
"My father's car!" Yelled Peter. "We can't fix this!"
James Potter hollered back, "Sure we can! We'll just drive it home backwards!"
"Um, excuse me," said Severus Q. Snape. "I'm trying to be all angsty and shit here. You're totally throwing off my groove."
"Dude, what's wrong?" asked Remus Lupin concernedly, for the Marauders had, in their rabjous joy, forgotten their vendetta against our lackluster hero.
"Oh woe is me! I am filled with a burning pain that I cannot possibly escape!"
"I got some Tums here," said Sirius Black, his handsome, boyish, nearly damn angelic face not yet ravaged by the cruel forces of time, hardship, and overexposure to tanning salons and the movie "Lost in Space" that would leave him a mere shadow of that glory that he once was.
"It is not from heartburn that I suffer… but heartache!" Snape replied. TWANG!
"Oh," said James Potter unconcernedly. "Why don't you just walk around all cool like I do and girls will just flock to you? Easiest thing in the world!"
"Oh woe is me, James Potter, for I am not so cool and charming as you! T'were it to be t'rue! It would be t'weriffic!"
"Twerp!" Sirius muttered under his breath.
"Well, James, maybe you could be a good citizen and help him out," suggested Lupin.
"Why the fuck would I do that?" Suddenly, James had remembered his vendetta against Snape and was no longer in a charming, flirtatious mood, but rather in the kind of mood that results in expulsion for normal students but slight reprimands for the likes of him and his cohorts. It's good to be the king.
"Well," said Snape, thinking back to the many times he had been dragged by his parents to the local Tractor Supply Store. "In my travels around the world, following in the footsteps of the great dark wizards of our age, I have picked up the skills necessary to fix up your mint cherry red convertible."
The boy who had whined like a little bitch about the ruined car, Peter Pettigrew, suddenly jumped up and down, clapping his hands and squealing in glee. "Yippee! Now Dad won't beat me with a hose and make me wear a dress for the next six weeks!"
There was a long moment of extremely awkward silence during which everyone stared at him with open horror. Peter flushed and dove into a corner (quite the feat considering the highest room in the tallest tower was round), where he rocked back and forth, muttering about how his friends didn't really like him, and occasionally cursing the nasty hobbitses.
Everyone visibly shook themselves free of that frightening moment and focused on the task at hand.
"Well, what do you want in return for fixing the car?" asked the devastatingly handsome Sirius, who had no intention of returning the car to Peter's dad, instead planning to turn into the infamous black flying motorbike he would rule the skies in from then on.
Coincidently enough, the loss of his car was the very thing that pushed Peter's fragile father over the edge into batshit insanity, and he forced Peter to wear a dress for the rest of his adolescent days, which ultimately led to Peter becoming an evil little prick, since he blamed Sirius, James, Remus, and Severus for all his humiliation and his tendency to sometimes use run-on sentences, even if they're technically punctuated correctly, until the day he died, which we can't talk about here because it's a very shocking moment in Book 7 and we want to give enough time for everyone to read it before handing out the spoilers like Sno-Cones, even though every self-respecting Harry Potter fan should have finished by now.
Moving right along!
"I thought that part was obvious," Snape said. "I'm way too pathetic to get the girl of my dreams on my own, even though it's spelled out in every teen romance that the trick is to have confidence and believe in yourself."
A little rainbow shined on him from the window.
"Where'd you learn that bunk?" James asked. "The real trick is to be handsome."
The rainbow paled.
"No," Sirius said, "the really real trick is to be loaded."
The rainbow fizzled.
"Oh, all right then, handsome and loaded."
"And hung like a hippogriff," Lupin added.
"FINE! Handsome, loaded, and hung like a hippogriff," James said, as the rainbow shot itself in the face. "Is that really so hard?"
Snape took a good, long look at himself. "Just let me fix the damn car, then we can trick her into loving me. What part of this plan could possibly go awry?"
He popped the hood of the mint cherry red convertible and leaned over the engine, poking and prodding and Hmmming every once in a while. "Ah!" he announced. "I've located the source of the problem, but I need a hand."
All the Marauders chipped in with the repairs to the car, and, as often happens in situations such as these, ended up singing and dancing shirtless in a rock montage while executing the repairs. At one point a leather-clad gentleman with a greasy pompadour walked in and they had to beat him to death with wrenches, but it was otherwise uneventful.
Proud of their work, and ready to test their results, they all piled into the car. Peter pointed at something glowing on the dashboard, "What's that? That wasn't there before! Dad's going to make me wear a dress!"
"Yeah, what is that?" Sirius demanded, worried of Dark alterations to his beautiful new motorbike. "It looks like a fucking coffee maker!"
"It's a little something I like to call a flux capacitor. I have no idea what it does. Let's try it and find out!" Snape cried, heartburn temporarily forgotten as he celebrated the joy and warm fuzzies that come from true friendship and reckless actions.
Without needing any further exhortation, as the most impulsive and unthinking member of the group – a family trait, to be sure – James hit the button, and KAPOW, they were off! TWANG!
After a very disorienting and psychedelic ride through the far reaches of time, space, and reason, the quintet and their beautiful antique 1963 cherry red corvette convertible appeared high above the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, made a few passes across the sky, and then crashed through the roof of the Great Hall, hollering, "Get out of the way!" as they hit the floor and slid through the crowd to come to a complete stop just in front of the high table.
"My dad's gonna kill me!" cried Peter from underneath his seat.
Sirius stood and announced to the bewildered crowd amassed in the hall at that time, "So this naked blonde walks into a bar!"
James whacked Sirius upside the head, once again causing the punchline of that joke to go unfinished, unfinished for all eternity…
Some random student stood in the crowd and said, "Dude, what's with those robes, they're like, 20 years out of fashion!"
Severus replied, "Wow, we must be 20 years in the future! Wow!"
"So that's what the flux capacitor does!"
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" hollered a voice from the back of the room, a voice that could speak in all capitals when all grammatical conventions advised otherwise. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???"
"Um…" said Lupin.
"Um…" said Sirius.
"Um…" said James.
"Um…" said Severus.
"A dress!" said Pettigrew.
Harry Pottter stormed to the front of the hall. He was weary and battle-worn, but appeared to have had a sandwich and a nice nap before returning to the Great Hall to join in the festivities, for lo, it was the day after Voldemort was defeated, and everyone was at Hogwarts partying and drinking like they'd never drank before. Hagrid was on the Gryffindor table dancing with a lampshade on his head, and McGonnagal was in a corner snogging Dumbledore's portrait. But all this faded to the background as Harry Potter confronted our heroes. "Seriously, what the fuck? I just finished battling the greatest dark wizard of all time, don't I get a break before any more upheaval threatens my tenuous hold on reality?"
"It was all Severus's fault!" Pettigrew screamed from his position under his seat. Snape, James, Lupin, and Sirius all punched the seat cushion. Hard.
"OW!"
Harry said, "Severus Snape is dead!"
Snape looked at his companions. "Well, fuck! This reality bites!" He crossed his arms and flopped back into his seat, a sour expression on his face. "If I'm dead how will I ever hook up with Lily?"
James suddenly realized that the object of Snape's affections, the girl that James had promised to help Snape trick into shagging, was his own dearly held crush, Lily Evans. Naturally, James punched Severus in the face. Because that's the way teenaged boys (and presidents) solve all of their problems.
In the meantime, Harry had recognized the entire crew, both from photographs and from his experiences of the past few days that had left him with intimate knowledge of the looks and mannerisms of the assembled group. To be quite honest, he wasn't all that thrilled – one family reunion in a week was quite enough, thank you!
"Why are you here?" Harry demanded. "Why are you alive? You're supposed to be dead!"
"Wait, who's supposed to be dead?" Sirius asked, handsomely, tragically, desireably.
"All of you!" Harry replied.
"Well, fuck," they all replied.
"This reality blows!" said James.
"You mean I never started my emo rock band?" asked Severus. "I was going to call it "The Half-Blood Prince and the Lords of the Underworld." Or maybe, "Panic at the Yule Ball" or "Evanesco" or "Weezard"!"
"What about "My Potion Romance" or "Plain Black Robes?"" asked Lupin, who had not yet discovered his future dead body lying in the corner. Give him time!
"I don't think now is really the time to worry about your emo band, Snape! Within 20 years we're all going to be dead!"
"Or even "The Dungbeetles?""
"Hey!" Hollered Lupin, whose time had now come. "Why am I lying dead in a corner? And who is that chick I'm holding onto? What gives? This reality blows!"
Suddenly, the authors went out and got drunk, thus ending the fanfiction menace. Hurray! The end!
P.s.—Rocks fall! Everyone dies! Except Dumbledore. He fights a Balrog and dies, then comes back. Just like Gandalf. And Obi-Wan. And Jesus.