The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been burned down. Again. Gee I wonder who could be responsible for that?
This takes place directly after The Incident at Mr. Pibble's Pub. And it explains in more detail what happened to Cherlene's country music career!
Sex And Fire, Ostriches and Country Music
"Why is it we can't go anywhere without disaster and death following us at every turn?" Cyril moaned as he slunk in a chair in the breakroom. Archer, Mallory, Lana, and Pam were in the room as well.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Archer asked.
"We go out, just to have a few drinks at a bar…" Cyril moaned. "Just to celebrate Ray getting his pilot's license. And within a few hours…We get into a gunfight, commit a burglary and burn down the bar! And as we speak Krieger is draining stolen credit cards of money from the dead people so…That's more theft and fraud."
"And you killed a guy," Pam pointed out. "And he wasn't even shooting at us."
"Yeah Cyril," Archer snapped. "You shot an innocent bartender as he was just doing his jobs waiting for a lull in the gunfight so he could pour us some drinks. Way to go!"
"And I murdered a bartender," Cyril moaned. "I hate my life."
"Well it's not like you're the only one who does," Archer quipped.
Mallory let out an annoyed breath as she poured herself some coffee. "Relax Cyril. We got the security tapes, the bar was empty and no one saw us leave. We're fine."
"This is fine to you?" Cyril shouted. "It hasn't even been an hour since we torched the place!"
"So? It's still technically work hours," Mallory shrugged as she drank some coffee. "Anyone asks we were all at work. We're all each other's alibis."
"Speaking of alibis where the hell is Cheryl?" Lana looked around. "The last thing we need is for her to start another fire."
"She went off to look at the fire and pick up firemen. So we might as well keep this party going," Ray said as he walked in with a few bottles of alcohol.
"Why not? Every time we go out there's disaster and death!" Cyril moaned. "And that's already happened so…"
"Now wait a minute," Pam said. "That's a not a hundred percent true. Nobody died on Cheryl's birthday."
"Not for lack of trying," Cyril groaned. "We were nearly all gassed to death!"
"How drunk were you?" Archer snorted.
"Pretty drunk," Cyril admitted.
"And nobody died on your birthday either Cyril," Lana added.
"That wasn't exactly an insanity proof occasion either!" Cyril snapped. "We were almost arrested by the cops!"
"Cyril I didn't start that fight at that jungle themed restaurant!" Pam snapped. "I merely finished it!"
"And we learned the hard way to never order the Volcano dessert when Cheryl is around," Ray quipped.
"And they really don't like people swimming in the aquariums," Pam added. "Right Cyril?"
"I got a little drunk…" Cyril admitted.
"A little drunk?" Ray laughed.
"You were plastered!" Pam laughed. "You were singing songs from the Little Mermaid wearing nothing but your shorts!"
"He does have a good voice I admit," Mallory said. "And he was much more entertaining than the waiters at that place."
"That's another restaurant we can never go back to," Lana sighed.
"No big loss," Mallory grumbled as she sipped her drink. "With that damn thunderstorm they blared all over the place every twenty minutes I couldn't think in there!"
"I don't remember that," Archer said.
"You were out," Mallory waved. "It was either Vegas or your breakdown after learning you were a father. I forget which."
"When Archer was away in the Pacific," Cyril remembered. "Fourth week."
"Oh right," Mallory remembered.
"Damn I should have gotten you a gift Cyril," Archer frowned.
"Believe me Archer, you not being there was enough of a present," Cyril told him.
"And the last AWOANBH party we had was really good," Ray nodded. "That Chinese place didn't ban us."
"With that strip show Pam put on they want her back," Lana groaned. "Not to mention that three way she had with the bus boys in the freezer."
"AWOANBH?" Archer did a double take. "What the hell is that?"
"It stands for Another Week Of Archer Not Being Here," Lana explained.
"What do you people do? Have wild parties every time I go on a trip?" Archer asked.
"Pretty much yes," Pam admitted.
Ray nodded. "They are great occasions for celebration."
"You should have seen the party when you went to Vegas! Wow! That was…" Pam began.
"Never mind!" Archer grumbled. "I withdraw the question."
"Let's just drink up and try to enjoy the rest of the day by forgetting this day," Ray said as he pointed to the bottles he had.
"I'll drink to that!" Pam agreed.
"Here, here…" Mallory showed Ray her mug. "Just pour the scotch in my coffee mug. It's how I like my coffee to taste anyway."
"Are those Glengoolie Krystal Blue Whisper bottles?" Archer's jaw dropped. "Those are like the most expensive bottles of Scotch there are! They're almost a million dollars a bottle! Where did you get them?"
"From my mini fridge in my office," Ray said. "They're leftovers from the night of the Rising Star Awards."
"You still have some of that?" Pam asked. "I drank all of mine."
"Me too," Mallory said.
"Yeah I drank all of mine too," Cyril said.
"Technically I was saving it for a special occasion but what the hell?" Ray shrugged. "I need something after that insane party of death you guys threw me."
"I don't believe this," Archer blinked as Ray started to set up some glasses.
"I know," Ray said as he worked. "You of all people missing some bottles of expensive Scotch? You're like a pig hunting truffles. Almost nothing alcoholic escapes you."
"Of course I don't go in your fridge Ray!" Archer barked. "You cover all your drinks in those pink frilly wine cozies."
"And that's why I do it," Ray admitted as he poured some drinks into the glasses. "Drink up!"
"Oh God I'd almost forgotten about that disaster too!" Cyril moaned as he took a drink.
"Yeah Cherlene was probably the first Rising Star award recipient to crash to Earth on the same night," Pam snorted as she took a glass.
"The what?" Archer asked. "What are you guys talking about?"
"The Country Music awards show," Cyril said before he took a drink. "When Cherlene got the Rising Star Award."
"Which has predictably fizzled out and crashed to the ground in a ball of flame," Mallory sighed. "Looking back on it now I should have seen it coming."
"One hell of a party backstage though," Pam admitted.
"Another instance of insanity and disaster," Cyril groaned. "I was nearly killed!"
"Oh don't be such a drama queen," Ray sniffed. "It's not like that didn't happen to the rest of us."
"Wait when was this?" Archer asked. "I don't remember that."
"That's because you were off in the Pacific banging lady boy hookers and drinking cobra whisky until it came out of your ass!" Lana barked.
"After you ran away from your new state of fatherhood screaming like a baby Banshee, Cherlene made a very brief reappearance just in time to receive an award," Ray explained. "Unfortunately it wasn't brief enough."
"It all started before the awards show," Lana explained. "It was two weeks into your breakdown…"
"Vacation," Archer gave her a look.
"With you what's the difference?" Lana snapped. "Anyway Cherlene put a lot interesting things in her backstage rider."
FLASHBACK!
"Okay here are my demands," Cherlene said from her couch in Tunt Manor, wearing her usual country music star outfit and holding her guitar. "Twenty bottles Dom Perignon…"
"A reasonable request," Mallory was writing down her demands.
"A pot of honey lemon tea for my voice," Cherlene said. "And some Scotch and vodka to add to it. Give it some zing. Better make it at least thirty bottles of each. Just to be on the safe side."
"Also extremely reasonable," Mallory wrote. "And sensible."
"A dozen white roses with no thorns. A bowl of Skittles, no green ones," Cherlene said. "Seriously…I don't want to see one frickin' green Skittle in the bunch. If I do. I'll burn the place down!"
"White roses, no thorns. Bowl of Skittles hold the green," Mallory wrote.
"A bowl full of Groovy Gummies," Cherlene added.
"That's Krieger's department," Mallory said. "I'll put the order in."
"A bowl full of assorted candy bars, but nothing with coconut in it," Cherlene added. "And a bowl of apples. A bowl of assorted fruits that aren't apples. An ostrich…"
"Fruit, and…Hang on," Mallory did a double take. "An ostrich?"
"Uh yeah did you just become ear crippled or something?" Cherlene asked her.
"Why would you want an ostrich?" Mallory asked.
"Why not?" Cherlene said. "And I want a chicken and waffle bar! With real Maine maple syrup! Not Vermont. Not New Hampshire. Not Canadian. Maine!"
"Well it is a country awards show so…" Mallory sighed. "Wait are you going to fry the ostrich?"
"Depends," Pam walked in with Ray and Cyril. She had returned to her usual weight. "How do ostriches taste?"
"Does it matter to you?" Mallory snapped. "You just shove food down your gullet anyway! I mean you already put back your usual weight on! And then some!"
"I've never seen anyone get in and out of rehab so fast in my life," Ray admitted. "Even rock stars lasted longer than you."
"It was easy to kick my habit. I just substituted my love for cocaine for my love of sugar," Pam said cheerfully. Before eating a bear claw.
"Yes that's much healthier," Mallory said sarcastically.
"Oh that reminds me! I want a whole cooler full of diet soda!" Cherlene spoke up. "And one of regular soda. And…I guess another one of more alcohol."
"Let me take a guess," Cyril sighed. "You're writing Cherlene's rider for the awards show."
"How very perceptive of you," Mallory groaned.
"I also want fifty pounds of firecrackers," Cherlene said. "For my number. I'm gonna light that stage up! Literally as well as figuratively."
"Firecrackers? Wait a minute…" Cyril did a double take. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"I want firecrackers!" Cherlene snapped. "Cherlene won't go on without 'em!"
"If she wants the damn firecrackers give them to her!" Mallory snapped. "She's getting an ostrich! So…"
"Why does she need an ostrich?" Ray asked.
"Because she wants one!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh put in a donut bar!" Pam shouted. "With chocolate fountains!"
"Duh!" Cherlene said. "Three different fountains of chocolate! Milk, dark and white!"
"Cherlene…" Mallory sighed.
"Milk," Cherlene glared at her. "Dark. And WHITE!"
"Fine! Donut bar three kinds of chocolate fountains," Mallory grudgingly wrote.
"And masseuses!" Pam shouted.
"Cute masseuses!" Ray added.
"Male and female!" Pam spoke up.
"Oooh! I could go for a massage!" Cyril added.
"Now wait a minute…" Mallory began.
"Done!" Cherlene said. "Write it down! So it is written. So it shall be done."
"Fine! I suppose a massage can't hurt…" Mallory wrote it down. "Now…"
"And I want twenty five international phone lines put in!" Cherlene barked.
"Why twenty five?" Mallory asked.
"Because Madonna holds the record at twenty and I want to beat that!" Cherlene said. "And I want twenty boxes of baking soda!"
"What could you possibly need…?" Mallory began.
"So it is written! So it shall be done!" Cherlene shouted.
"Cherlene dear listen," Mallory tried to control her temper. "I think you're slightly getting carried away with…"
"What part of 'so it is written, so it shall be done' do you not get?" Cherlene snapped. "The written part or the done part?"
"But…" Mallory began.
"SO IT IS WRITTEN! SO IT SHALL BE DONE IN OUTLAW COUNTRY!" Cherlene shouted.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Is that why we have twenty boxes of baking soda in our refrigerator?" Archer asked.
"Yes," Mallory sighed. "Originally we had thirty. But we all took some home and some got spilled so…"
FLASHBACK!
"Make that thirty boxes of baking soda," Cherlene said smugly.
"Fine!" Mallory wrote the demands down. "Anything else your highness?"
"Ooh yes!" Cherlene grinned. "And I'll think of them later!"
"When will I learn to never give her options?" Mallory groaned.
"I am going to have myself a dozen scrambled eggs and some good ol' country bacon," Cherlene got up and stretched. "And popsicles! Add popsicles to the list!"
"I will not kill her. She is making me money, possibly millions…" Mallory repeated to herself as she wrote down what Cherlene wanted. "I will not kill her."
"Now if you will excuse me I gotta go eat and give my ocelot a bath," Cherlene walked away. "Just gotta remember to not do it at the same time like last time. OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOO!"
"While I'm at it I might as well add some drugs," Mallory wrote in the list. "Lots of them. Preferably anti-psychotic medication. And a few…other things."
"Yeah we have a couple of ideas of what to add," Pam spoke up.
"Damn right we do," Ray nodded.
"And why should I listen to your demands?" Mallory sniffed.
"Because then we can sell some of the extra stuff for profit!" Cyril said. "What we can't take home for ourselves."
"Yeah might as well get some of that mega star gravy for ourselves while the gettin' is good!" Pam agreed.
"As well as have a damn good party," Ray nodded. "You are aware that if you put things like jewelry in the rider they'll give it to you?"
"I am now," Mallory grinned. "Fire away!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Spoiler alert…" Lana sighed. "They added a lot of stuff."
FLASHBACK!
"Wow this is a lot of stuff," Cherlene looked at her packed dressing room filled to the brim with items and gift baskets. "I don't remember ordering all this."
"You implied you wanted it," Ray said as he drank a bottle of Glengoolie Blue straight out of the bottle. He was wearing a yellow shirt, blue jeans and a pair of brown cowboy boots.
"And all this other…OOOHHHH!" Cyril moaned in pleasure. He was only wearing a towel lying on a massage table and a gorgeous brunette female masseuse was rubbing his back. "Oh yeah. That's the spot…"
"Yeah really work it babes…" Pam purred. She was also naked on a table and being massaged by two beefy handsome masseurs. "Julio and Steve you are miracle workers!"
"They are," Ray said. "They really are."
"Ray and I had them do us and they are divine!" Mallory purred as she casually ate a slice of cake. She was wearing a red dress, a diamond choker and red cowboy boots. "You should try them Lana. It will really relieve the stress of single motherhood. It always worked for me!"
"Somehow this does not surprise me," Lana sighed. She was wearing a short red country style dress with white fringe and red boots.
"After Sterling was born I thought I would never be able to sit up straight again having so many knots in my back…" Mallory remembered. "Giving birth on a bar would do that to you. Until I found this lovely Spaniard who…Wait, where is my granddaughter? Lana you didn't lose her did you?"
"No! She's at home with a babysitter," Lana barked.
"You left your newborn daughter with a stranger?" Cyril snapped. "Great parenting skills Lana."
"Well I can't bring a two week old baby to a country music awards show," Lana snapped.
"Right, she is at that impressionable age," Mallory thought aloud. "Good call. Last thing I need is for my granddaughter to become addicted to country music."
"Yeah…That's what I was going for," Lana sighed. "And I see you were all going for some kind of world record of craziest stuff people put in their riders."
"WHOOO HOOO!" Krieger whooped as he rode a mechanical bull slowly in the back of the dressing room. He was wearing a black cowboy outfit.
"What? It's a country music awards show!" Pam asked. "We have to keep with the theme!"
"Did you have to keep the theme with all this food? And gift baskets? And…Five gourmet maple walnut cakes?" Lana shouted.
"Four of them are for Pam," Mallory explained. "So it evens out."
"I don't believe you agreed to that…" Lana groaned.
"I know. But this is actually really good cake," Mallory said as she ate some. "I'm serious. I should have had this baker do my wedding cake instead of that hack from Brooklyn. I mean this frosting alone is amazing!"
"Is that a new diamond necklace you're wearing?" Lana did a double take. "Where did you…Oh my God…"
"Relax Lana there's like fifty necklaces at the diamond jewelry bar in the next room," Pam waved. "You can pick whatever you want."
"You wrote in a diamond jewelry bar in the rider?" Lana shouted.
"It wasn't just us," Pam said.
"Yeah like everyone else at this award show wanted jewelry so it was just easier for the producers to just do one big major one," Cherlene shrugged before she drank some alcohol.
"Is that a Jacuzzi over there?" Lana did a double take.
"Yeah that was great!" Cyril said. "Now we're using it to boil lobsters."
Lana wrinkled her nose. "That explains the fish smell."
"We got a ton of melted butter in that bucket there," Pam pointed. "Help yourself!"
"We also got you a diaper cake," Ray pointed to the back. "It's right behind the ice sculpture of a shirtless Burt Reynolds."
"Technically that one was Gillette's idea," Mallory shrugged. "But to be fair, it was a good one."
"Yeah Ms. Archer took like thirty R-Rated selfies with that," Pam snorted. "So did me and Ray."
"Just when I think I've seen it all…" Lana maneuvered through the gift baskets to check out the diaper cake.
Just then one of the phones rang. "Did anyone hear that?" Cherlene did a frantic look around the room.
"It's real Cherlene," Ray sighed as he picked up one of the phones and gave it to her.
"Oh good. I thought I was having one of those auditory hallucinations again," Cherlene took the phone. "Yellow! Or orange! Or whatever color you like."
"All this stuff…" Lana carefully walked through the gift baskets. "Why do we need three skateboards?"
"There should be five," Pam frowned.
"Damn it Dolly Parton I didn't steal your dang purse!" Cherlene barked into the phone. "I got a set to prepare for so go bother one of your groupies or something! Maybe one of them did it! Good bye!" She then hung up.
Cherlene then laughed. "I totally did!" She then pulled out a rhinestone covered purse.
"That's one way to endear yourself to your fellow…God damn!" Lana's jaw dropped when she saw the enormous diaper cake. "That thing is twice as big as a real cake!"
"It's all the way up from newborn to nine months," Ray said.
"You're welcome!" Mallory said acidly.
"That was my idea too!" Ray snapped.
"It was yours and mine!" Pam snapped. "I wanted to give you a cake. Ray wanted to give you diapers. We compromised."
"I don't know what to say….I…Whoa!" Lana nearly fell. "I think I just found one of your missing skateboards!"
"Yeah we'd better move some of this so we can make room," Cherlene looked around. She clapped her hands.
Four very hunky, very shirtless men in tight black pants appeared. "Take the diaper cake and all these gift baskets to the moving van! Chop! Chop!" Cherlene ordered.
Lana looked at Ray. "Your idea?"
"Maybe?" Ray whistled innocently.
"To be fair Lana it is a good one," Mallory smiled as the muscular men picked things up and started moving them out of the dressing room. "A very good one."
"Don't forget that pyramid of baking soda over there! Put it in the moving van with the rest of the stuff!" Pam called out to the hunks who took it away.
"You put a moving van in the rider?" Lana gasped.
"Well how else are we going to move all this stuff Lana?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "Call Archer? Oh wait. We can't. He ran…AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Lana had stormed over and clamped her hand on his shoulder. "You might want to rethink your words Cyril…" She snarled at him. "Very, very carefully!"
"Lana, release him…" Mallory sighed.
"As you wish," Lana did so.
"Aaahahhhhh…" Cyril cried in relief. "And now I'm tense again."
The female masseuse went back to work. "Oooohh…" Cyril moaned. "Now I'm better…"
"Cherlene you're on in five!" A stagehand called out.
"Well I'd better get on up there," Cherlene said. "By the way has anyone seen my ostrich?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Judging by the screams I'd say yes," Ray quipped.
"That's good. I was afraid it ran off," Cherlene waved as she got up. "Well time to get the awards I so rightly deserve!"
"And cement your status as a country music superstar making us millions!" Mallory said. "Which we need since that stupid check of Calderon's bounced!"
"YEEE HAAA!" Krieger rode the mechanical bull. One of the shirtless men accidentally knocked the lever on the bull while moving the diaper cake. From slow to paint mixing.
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Krieger went very fast. So fast he fell off and sailed right through a wall.
CRASH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"Hello Dolly!" Krieger was heard saying cheerfully from the other side of the wall.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Is that how the lawsuit Dolly Parton slammed against you got started?" Archer asked his mother.
"That and that damn ostrich pecked at her," Mallory sighed. "I was just lucky I was able to settle the whole thing out of court."
"Unfortunately our luck didn't hold when Cherlene went to perform her number after her award," Lana sighed.
FLASHBACK!
Ray, Lana and Mallory were watching offstage as Cherlene was performing. She had a backup band that Mallory had hired.
"I'll burn it down, I'll burn it down to the ground. I'll burn it down to the sea," Cherlene sang while strumming her car. "I'll burn it down, I'll burn it down to the ground. Don't mess with this country queen!"
"A very fitting song for her if there ever was one," Ray remarked.
"But for once her pyromania is going to come in handy," Mallory grinned. "Well if you don't count our evidence burning parties."
"Speaking of burning should there be so many pyrotechnics back and onstage?" Lana asked nervously.
"Relax! I'm sure Krieger set them up responsibly," Mallory waved.
"You do realize the major contradiction of words in that sentence right?" Ray gave her a look.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!"
"What is all that screaming and squawking going on?" Mallory snarled as she turned around. "It's distracting from Charlene's…Oh dear God!"
Basically the scene was complete pandemonium.
The ostrich was running around chasing and pecking everyone in sight. Including a few high profile country music stars as well as backstage handlers. A few more backstage handlers and a few security agents were running around trying to corral the ostrich unsuccessfully.
Cyril was running around naked being chased by a large muscular man. The muscular man was being chased by the female masseuse who was wearing only a towel shouting obscenities.
Krieger was running around wearing a blonde wig while being chased by more security guards.
Some other security guards were just hanging around laughing acting stoned out of their minds. One was skateboarding backstage.
One security guard was screaming as he was being attacked by lobsters.
The shirtless muscular moving men and the male masseuses were shouting at each other and throwing fruit and gift bags at each other.
"PAM!" Mallory shouted.
"Hey! What's happening?" Pam walked up casually. She was wearing only her underwear and several diamond necklaces on her neck. And eating a pear.
"THIS? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS?" Mallory shouted.
"Why are you asking me?" Pam asked.
"WHY DO YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted. "What happened?"
"We only left you alone for a few minutes!" Ray snapped.
"Boy things escalated really fast didn't they?" Pam said as she ate her pear.
"Pam…" Mallory growled.
"Well to start with the ostrich ate a lot of Cherlene's groovy gummies," Pam explained. "And it was already kind of agitated to begin with so…"
"Uh huh," Lana sighed.
"And I may have let a few security guards eat some of Charlene's groovy gummies too," Pam admitted.
CRASH!
"Wipeout!" A stoned security guard laughed.
"Not to mention the moving guys and the guys giving us the massages…" Pam went on. "And they drank a lot too. And they sort of got into a tiny little argument on whether or not Jethro Tull truly deserved to beat Metallica for the Grammy for best album. Turns out these guys are huge rock and heavy metal fans."
"HERE'S YOUR FLUTE SOLO RIGHT HERE PAL!" One of the movers tackled the other one.
"I missed most of the argument because I was at the jewelry bar getting some bling!" Pam pointed to her necklace.
"We noticed," Lana said dryly.
"Krieger made a pass at Dolly Parton and stole one of her wigs," Pam added.
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Krieger ran past them. Chased by more security guards.
"Some of the lobsters escaped the Jacuzzi," Pam added. "They're kind of on a rampage too. Knocked over all the melted butter."
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Nude Cyril ran by chased by the other two people.
"Oh yeah," Pam said calmly. "Cyril was banging his masseuse on the table when her husband walked in!"
"So glad I did not bring my daughter to this," Lana sighed. "Do I smell smoke?"
"I'll burn it down, I'll burn it down to the ground! I'll burn it down to the sea
I'll burn it down! I'll burn it down to the ground! Don't mess with this country queen!" Cherlene was heard singing.
She also had a few sparklers in her hand. Which she threw to the audience. Behind her she had somehow set the drums on fire. Fortunately the drummer was not on fire.
Unfortunately at that exact same moment the ostrich ran out on stage. It was chasing a woman off the stage and into the audience. And of course several members of the audience were already trying to get away from the sparklers which were starting to catch fire to the seats.
"Damn you Reba McIntire! Get away from my ostrich!" Cherlene shouted. She pulled out a mini remote. "You're gonna ruin my finale when I literally burn down the house!"
"Wait did she say…" Lana did a double take. "Please tell me she's still confused on the definitions of literally and figuratively!"
"OUTLAW COUNTRY!" Cherlene whooped as she pressed the button. Fireworks exploded from the stage and started setting fires everywhere.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Apparently not…" Ray gulped.
"You just know they are going to make us pay for the damages," Mallory groaned.
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cherlene cried out among the fireworks and the flames. "I AM A LIVING LEGEND IN MY OWN TIME BITCHES!"
"WAK! WAK! WAK!" The ostrich ran around, the feathers on its back on fire.
"Here's what we are going to do," Mallory said. "Everyone run to that jewelry bar. Grab as much of that and gift baskets and head for…"
She then realized that her agents had already left her to do so. "Damn it! Wait for me!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Despite the massive damage no lives were lost in the fire," Lana sighed. "Except for the ostrich's."
"Oh yeah," Archer blinked. "I remember hearing something on the news about that."
Mallory let out a sigh. "As you can imagine when you manage to not only burn down a theater as well as be responsible for an ostrich attack on several country music stars…It tends to tarnish your reputation."
"And cause your record label to dump you," Cyril added. "And start a lot of lawsuits. And force you to go to court in a divorce case."
"I think it was the first time in history they had a recall vote for an awards show," Ray groaned.
"I tried to salvage things by getting Cherlene on a country music morning talk show but…" Mallory added. "To say it didn't go well is an understatement."
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The host of the talk show ran around on fire, screaming his head off. Of course the entire set of Good Morning Country was burning down around him as well.
"OUTLAW COUNTRY! COCAINE IS PEOPLE! COCAINE IS PEOPLE!" Cheryl was back to her usual pyromaniac self-screaming into the camera from backstage. "PEOPLE ARE COCAINE CLONES! HA HA HA HA HA!"
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer nodded. "I remember hearing about that too. So is that host out of the burn unit yet or…?"
"According to his lawyers he left a few weeks ago," Mallory sighed. "I don't need to tell you that we had to pay a lot of money to clean that mess up! And I had to call in a few favors as well."
Lana added. "Needless to say when Cheryl became herself again and forgot all about her country music career. We thought it was for the best to just move on and never mention it again."
"Especially around her," Ray agreed.
"Oh that explains a few things," Archer nodded. "But how did she forget being Cherlene?"
"Who knows with that flame on the brain fire obsessed freak?" Mallory snapped. "This is the same woman who claims to hear music from nowhere and thinks our lives are a cartoon television show on a cable network!"
Archer nodded. "Yeah she doesn't even know….Hey do I smell smoke?"
"Yeah I smell smoke too," Cyril sniffed. "But it's faint."
"But close," Pam sniffed. "I think it's coming from outside."
"Yeah definitely from…" Lana stopped. "I ask again…Where is Cheryl?"
"You don't think…" Ray began.
"Oh dear God no…" Cyril moaned. "Not twice in one day!"
They all got up and ran to where the smell was coming from. "It's coming from…Oh God!" Cyril yelled as they saw a building on fire not far down their street.
"Now hold on! We don't know for sure that she set this fire!" Lana said sensibly.
"What building is it?" Pam asked.
"I think it's some lawyer's office," Ray said.
"Oh my God we're gonna be sued! I know it!" Mallory yelled.
"Hey guys!" Cheryl walked in smelling of smoke. "Guess what I did!"
"You burned a lawyer's office you little…"Mallory went to strangle Cheryl but was held back by Lana. "Let me kill her! You all want this as much as I do!"
"Wait what?" Cheryl asked.
"Cheryl did you set that building on fire?" Lana asked.
"What? No!" Cheryl gasped. "There's another building on fire? Oh my God! This is the best day ever!" She jumped up and down squealing.
"Hold on," Lana said. "So you didn't set another building on fire?"
"No! I didn't set another building on fire," Cheryl snorted. "I stole a fire truck! It's parked in the garage."
"Dibs on the siren!" Archer barked as he ran to the garage.
"Wait I still smell smoke!" Pam realized.
"Oh yeah. I may have kind of set the fire truck on fire just a little," Cheryl shrugged.
"CHERYL!" Mallory yelled.
"Ray, Cyril grab a fire extinguisher and come on!" Lana barked as they ran off to stop another inferno.
"I hate my life so much…" Cyril groaned.
"That's our Cheryl," Pam said.
"Whomp Whomp!" Cheryl said cheerfully.