Author's Note: In case the title didn't give it away, don't read this if you have major issues with major character death.
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While everyone copes with traumatic events in their own way, they say grief comes in stages. Some people may seem fully functional and others can't stop crying, but, obvious or not, it's still a process getting over it. It still takes time, and some wounds leave scars.
When Sebastian gets the call the Kurt had died in a car accident, he doesn't know what to do with himself. They are young, mid-thirties, and they are supposed to have their whole lives ahead of them. As he stares at the supper he'd prepared for them, he slides down the wall and cries, his legs pressed up against his chest, and his arms wrapped around his legs.
Both plates set out on the dinner table stay empty that night.
Denial (noun) || \di-ˈnī(-ə)l, dē-\
(1) : refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) (2) : assertion that an allegation is false
After his head stops spinning and his eyes are too sore to cry anymore, Sebastian picks himself up off of the floor. He looks at the plates before stumbling over to the living room. There has to be some mistake. Maybe someone who looks like Kurt had died or they had gotten the name wrong.
Sebastian sits himself in the couch by the door and waits. He waits until the sun comes out. It has to be ten in the morning before he finally drifts off, curled up in a ball.
Kurt still isn't home when he wakes up.
But it's okay. Sebastian knows that Kurt's coming home. Any second now, Kurt will walk in with some reason for being late and scaring the shit out of him. They'll laugh over the mistake the police made, and Sebastian will drag him to the bedroom, kissing down his jaw and neck.
Except that doesn't happen. Kurt doesn't come home that day. Sebastian checks his phone that evening to find forty missed calls, but he listens to none of the voice mails. At nine o'clock there's a knock on the door.
He hasn't cried at all since the call last night, but when he sees Burt and Blaine on the other side of the door, their eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, he collapses into their arms and sobs again.
Anger (noun) || \ˈaŋ-gər\
a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
It's only after the funeral that the feeling of disbelief fades away. It's a closed-casket funeral, and Sebastian can't wrap his mind around the fact that the wooden box in front of him carries Kurt. He feels detached, like the scene happening in front of him can have nothing to do with Kurt, his Kurt.
Afterwards, Sebastian carries on with his life. For a while he seems numb. People who know him better, like Blaine, know that below his stoic expression, he's hurting. Blaine sees glimpses from when Sebastian lets his guard down. There are the bags under his eyes.
There's a low ache that builds up inside of Sebastian. Sometimes, like when he has so much work that he has no time to think about other things, he feels like he can cope. Other times, like when he wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over, only to find the other side of the bed empty, it seems unmanageable.
Blaine spends weekends visiting New York, helping Sebastian. Sebastian insists that he doesn't need help, but Blaine knows his company helps. Besides, he's sure that Sebastian has to get lonely in that apartment.
They're setting out the table to eat when Sebastian drops a glass, and it shatters. He stares at it for a moment before bursting out into a bitter laughter. "Sebastian?" Blaine asks. He moves forward, but before he can fully reach Sebastian, Sebastian pushes out. "Fuck this."
"Sebastian?" Sebastian can hear the worry in Blaine's voice, but he ignores it. Out of nowhere, he has the urge to smash more glasses around him. Instead, he closes his eyes and clenches his fists.
"It's not fair. It's not right. This wasn't supposed to happen to him," Sebastian says, his voice shaking. He feels sick to his stomach, and he shakes his head.
"I know it isn't, Seb..."
Logically, he knows it's not Blaine's fault, but as Blaine reaches out for him again, Sebastian strikes out. It's only when Blaine's reeling, his hand over his cheek where Sebastian had slapped him, that Sebastian realizes what he's done. "Shit, I'm sorry."
"It's - It's fine." He gives Sebastian a worried look before moving over to the fridge to grab some ice. When he lowers his hand, Sebastian knows the hand-shaped red welt is going to leave a bruise.
Bargaining (verb) || \ˈbär-gəniŋ\
to negotiate over the terms of a purchase, agreement, or contract
Sebastian goes through bouts of anger. He can't control it, but afterwards, he's always left feeling hollow, his head reeling. The time between each meltdown increases over time. Work is the only thing that keeps him occupied and going.
Sebastian spends Thanksgiving with Burt and Carole. At first, Carole tries to keep the conversation light, asking Sebastian a few questions like "How's your work going?" ("Good.") or "Have you been getting out at all?" ("Nope.") It's impossible to break through Sebastian, and eventually she stops trying.
Part of Sebastian tells him that he should as he looks over at Burt, who now looks years older and exhausted. Yet he can't bring himself to it, and, at the end of the night, he hugs them tightly and asks to sleep on the couch. He can't imagine sleeping in Kurt's room without Kurt.
Christmas comes and goes in a similar fashion.
It's a year since Kurt got into the car accident when Sebastian goes and visits the grave with a bouquet of flowers. Blaine trails behind him, his own rose in his hand. Sebastian's never really believed in God, but as he kneels down next to the grave, he prays for the first time in his life.
i promise i'll be good and i'll never complain
just a few more years please
i'll do anything just give me my kurt back
Sebastian begs and begs, hoping that somehow, miraculously, Kurt will come up behind him and tell him he has another year or two more left to live. When a hand falls on his shoulder, and he looks up to see Blaine, standing above him, his shoulders hunch forward.
Blaine bends down and wraps his arms around Sebastian, wordlessly rocking him back and forth.
Depression (noun) || \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\
1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide
Everyone keeps on telling him that it'll get better, and Sebastian doesn't understand. As time goes by, instead, he gets worse. He can't sleep. He can't stomach food. He doesn't respond to phone calls, and he starts calling in sick from work. His head won't stop hurting, and he can't get out of bed.
His hair grows long, and he grows a beard. He can't be bothered to shave. He can only imagine what Kurt would say. He hated even a little bit of stubble. As far as his clothes, they're rumpled and filled with creases. It seems like too much work to do and fold the laundry.
Everything around him makes him think of Kurt. Everything in their apartment is filled with memories that Sebastian doesn't want to face. He stops keeping track of the time.
"Mr. Smythe, I'm sorry, but you're going to need to come into work, or we'll be required to let you go." Sebastian doesn't even put up a fight when they fire him. He accepts it and moves on.
Blaine tries to visit ever once in a while. "Let's go out clubbing. C'mon, Seb, you loved clubbing." Sebastian just glances over at Blaine before curling up tighter in his blankets and closing his eyes.
"You have to do something. Kurt wouldn't want this."
Sebastian doesn't understand why Blaine keeps on telling him that. He's sure that if Kurt could somehow see him, he'd be angry. He should have told Kurt to come later or found some way to stop him from taking that taxi.
"It's not your fault," Blaine tries to tell him over and over.
But Sebastian knows that it is.
Acceptance (noun) || \ik-ˈsep-tən(t)s, ak-\
willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation
Acceptance isn't, as Sebastian discovers, the ability to move on and forget that something has happened. It's the ability to - as he so eloquently tells his therapist - "pull my shit together and keeping going despite it all".
He can't say that there's been a day since Kurt passed away that he hasn't thought about him. He wonders if there ever will be, and while he knows that it might be easier if he can, he almost hopes that there isn't.
It isn't easy to pick everything up - to go back to a job and try to interact with other people. He's spent such a long time shutting himself up in his house, that he feels awkward, like trying to speak with a hoarse voice. He can picture the jokes Kurt would say if he could see him speechless.
There are moments which hit him harder than others, but he can expect them - Kurt's birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day. It's hard not to remember the first time he celebrated Valentine's Day with Kurt and the way he'd refused to admit he actually had fun.
Each day is better, little by little.
Blaine throws a surprise party for his birthday. When it comes to the toast, Sebastian raises his glass in the air and smiles. "To Kurt. God knows what he'd say about these tacky decorations."