I do hope you enjoy this story. I break my normal routine of presenting "cute" stories revolving around Haruhi and Kyon's relationships in this story, and portray what I believe to be Asahina Mikuru's feelings on her whole being, and I also tried to portray the feelings of uselessness she has expressed in many occasions. And now, since my author's note is too long…
On a side note, sorry for the long delay, school's a pain…
It's easy enough to guess who's talking…
Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. This. Seriously.
-0-
I watched them leave, hand in hand, leaving me behind to do my task.
Sigh. I suppose I'm all alone, after all.
No. I've always been alone. Who am I kidding? Did I really believe I had a chance?
I was nothing more than a puppet; doomed to following an eternal and predetermined script whose lines I knew too well, and whose actions have been embedded into history. I am forced only to reenact them as we see fit in order to maintain the integrity of the time plane, and the safe flow of time. That, in a nutshell, was my task.
And even now, I knew I had a job to do.
I carried the club journal we had published just a few weeks ago. Needless to say I was to use it, but for what? My superiors rarely tell me what I must to do, and I am forced to watch helplessly as the others risk their lives for their duty.
And me? I look cute and cry, I worry all of them needlessly, him most of all.
I was nothing more than waste of space, actually.
It was a small playground, much like any you'd see in the streets. Kids would be seen playing with others their age, their innocent smiles beaming in the afternoon light.
I knew what I had to do.
I headed towards a particular sandbox, where a kid was building a sand castle. It was not a good endeavor, however; a slight breeze would cause it to sway and crumble into the dust and sand beneath it.
It was just like our mission; extremely delicate, and even the slightest breeze would endanger us.
Memories swirled through my brain, good and bad. It was briefing all over again.
I was lying on the cold, hard table, my skin burning with the cool steel beneath it. I struggled to move, yet I knew it was hopeless: I was strapped in. I had to. It was imperative. It was of the highest priority.
I could only look at the bright glare of the light above me. It was painful to my eyes, and so I closed my eyes, yet I fancy seeing the light still.
And then he spoke.
"Remember," the voice said, "that one wrong move, and everything we have worked for might collapse. Take care not to cause any disturbances, and avoid releasing information. Everything is classified." His voice was harsh and mechanical, echoing in the metal room.
"These steps are necessary for you to do to fulfill your mission," he said, before pressing an unseen button.
A jolt of electricity ran through my body, piercing the deepest cores of my soul, the inner machinations of my brain, until I could no longer fee, my body going numb. I screamed in agony, and the electricity stopped.
"Now…what are you to say?" the voice inquireed harshly.
"C-classified information…" I replied quietly.
"Good. You shall leave soon."
My eyes were plunged in darkness, as if a blindfold had been placed over my head. Moments later, nausea overtook my body, and I resisted an urge to throw up. I felt as if my body was on a never-ending roller coaster.
I…could not remember more. Whenever I try to, it seems my mind is blocked off completely. Whenever I try to remember, it seems that an invisible voice tells me "Classified Information" and assurances that it would be alright.
"Nee-san! Watch out!"
I had barely heard the boy's words. I stumbled on his sand castle, yelling out, "Kyaaa!" as I fell.
Was it intentional? Certainly, I was told to ruin the boy's sand castle before proceeding to help him build a new one, but I did not want to do it this way.
Why do my superiors have to be so vague? Why could they not outright tell me what I must do? Do they not trust me? Am I to do only as I am told, like an actor in a written script, doing things as the director tells me to do without bothering to explain why?
Why is it that everyone around me was so assured of themselves, so easily did they know what they were to do? They understood what was to be their task, they were not kept in the dark of their superior's motives; they were the safest to approach whenever a crisis appeared.
Not me.
I had feared the other man's façade. It seemed so fake, so subtle, and I could not comprehend his thoughts. I was assured he was safe, and not to be feared, but I could not find the safety in him. I could not trust him.
She was an unfeeling, unemotional creation, skilled in many ways, and dangerous. I had always felt intimidated by her presence, like an ominous black cloud on the horizon. Her gaze seemed to pierce through me, assess every fiber of my being, before dismissing it as "rubbish."
Of all of them, he was the most caring.
He was all I truly cared about. I doubt if he ever felt anything akin to love for me, only infatuation, but I was happy nonetheless. He gave off an aura of kindness, safety and assurance I could not feel from anybody, even my superiors. I was happy enough to wear my maid outfit and serve him tea everyday, if only to see him smile and thank me for the tea that I gave him.
I was grateful; grateful to him. He was probably the only person who cared about me; yet I could also say he cared for me only because I looked good in his eyes. Nevertheless, I was happy; he cared for me, I looked at him to hope, and we were happy.
And yet, I knew it was childish of me to believe my own selfish dreams would be fulfilled. I could never be with him, no matter how the rules would be bent, it was simply impossible.
It was a selfish thing to do. I would endanger everyone with my own dreams and wishes.
I arose, dusting away the dust from my clothes. I picked up the journal and held it in one hand before turning to the kid whose sand castle I had just wrecked.
"I-I'm sorry…"
There was no doubt about it; I recognized him. He was the young boy, who, in many occasions, I, along with him, had encountered. No doubt, he was to contribute to the future, but what? Maybe he was to create the first…
A sharp thrust of electricity pulsed through my body, before I could even begin remembering it.
So, is this too, classified information, even if it is only in my mind?
"It's okay," the boy replied, adjusting his glasses to take away the sand that had gotten in it. "I didn't like how the castle looked like anyway."
He looked at me quizzically after fixing his glasses. For a moment I felt that he had a glimpse of the future, and seen things beyond him, but his reply lessened my fears.
"Aren't you that bunny girl?"
I smiled a little, picking up a handful of sand with my hands before letting it slip through my fingers. "Yeah, I suppose I am that bunny girl."
"Onee-san would always talk about you whenever she comes around to tutor me." The boy said, proceeding to stand up. "She would talk about she envies you and stuff."
My face blushed at the idea. She, of all people, envied me?
He must have noticed my expression, for he immediately asked me, "Nee-san, are you alright? You're turning red."
"Yes…I'm fine."
Was I? My mind had been drifting to many other objects besides my intended task; memories continued to flood through the recesses of my mind; and every time electricity would flow through my body, a reminder that it was all to be kept secret…classified.
"Well, I'm going to get some water." The boy said, picking up a small bucket.
"Huh? For what?" I asked. I felt incredibly stupid then. I honestly understood very little of how objects worked here in this time.
And once more, my subconscious jerked me back into the time I was in, and did not allow me to drift once more.
"I need the water. It makes the sand harder and firmer, so I can get it to remain in place." The boy explained, before leaving.
He left, leaving me alone to ponder on my own thoughts.
I looked at the neatly written note. I had found it in my shoe locker that morning, and inside it was written the following command:
This afternoon, proceed to this playground. Symbols appeared, but I immediately understood them, as it was of my own…
Once more, pain seemed to creep into my subconscious, preventing me from remembering more than what was allowed to be revealed, even in my own mind. Why, why was this necessary?
I could not fully explain it all. It was too complex, too complex for the human mind of this age to comprehend. It was not, as many humans would believe, a result of a breakthrough of technical marvels or physics. It was more of a breakthrough of human evolution itself, an advancement of the mind that caused it.
The rudimentary steps to do so, however, are far too complex, and no words in this age could describe it to the fullest.
The only thing I could say was that if I allowed my mind to drift away, I too would be swept by it.
I forced myself to continue the rest of the note.
There is a boy you know well. Approach him, and everything else will follow. Offer him your help. You will not complete your project.
It was written in paper, probably stationery, and very neatly written with little hearts decorating the letters. I did not understand why the notes always seemed this way, but I had always listened to them. What was I to do?
The boy returned, carrying a bucket of water in his hand.
"I'm back, nee-san," he said, and I offered to help him this time, as apology for ruining his castle.
It was a laborious task. I knew for a fact that we would fail to complete the project. I had been told this much.
"Nee-san," he said, as he tried to adjust the walls of our crumbling castle. "Do you remember that turtle you and that guy you were with gave to me?"
"Y-yes, I remember." I replied. How could I? I had felt happy with him, even for a moment, pretending it was all a date, and we were out purchasing tea leaves, and drinking tea happily in a café, even though it was all wishful thinking. It was all wishful thinking.
"Well, it's growing up real fast. It's like he wants to get out of his heavy shell and run as fast as he could. Fufufu, maybe he wants to lose his shell at the next evolutionary stage."
I blinked at his observation.
"Nee-san," he said once more, as we tried to adjust the moats of his sand castle construction. "Do you think time-travelers exist?"
"Hm?" I ask, looking at him with questioning eyes. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, you see, Onee-san has this habit of talking about stuff she does in school," the boy explained. "One day, as if out of the blue, she began talking about how she wanted to meet time-travelers."
"How fun it would be," he continued, to be able to go back to the past, and fix things that aren't supposed to happen? Or, how cool it would be to go to the future and learn from them, so we can come back here and spread all we've learned?" he spouted all of this almost impeccably. For a moment, I thought I could see her in him.
I had truly wished to correct him then. No, time does not work like that. Whatever we do, there was no changing what was to be; even now, all my actions are predetermined, and even the interference by my superiors are all predetermined; even people from our time who deem they are going against the will of time are in actuality, doing their part in this eternal script of still pictures.
"You know," I whispered, trying to add a little more shape to one of the towers, only for it to collapse, "I really hope you take care of that turtle."
"Of course!" He replies with a saucy grin. "After all, the bunny girl and her boyfriend gave him to me!"
I blushed at the word "boyfriend".
"Oh, does he have a name now?" I ask.
"Yeah. It's…" and then he replied a word.
It was not a word of this era that much I realized without electricity surging through my body.
"Where…where have you heard that word before?" I inquired, trying to hide all the signs of nervousness I had.
Sweat began to trickle down my body. How could this boy know a word that did not exist in this era?
"Where? I just thought it up, actually. It sounded cool so I'm calling the turtle that!"
What? He just thought it up?
Nevertheless, this little project continued, but as predicted, it was to fail.
The sun had begun to set. Most of the kids were preparing to leave now. It was one hour when we had started, but it was a failure. Indirectly, I suppose it was my fault.
The boy and I spent most of the time talking rather than working. He was surprisingly quick-witted. No doubt this was influenced by her tutor, whom I knew personally. I had no doubt he would grow up to be a great man, and he would be able to contribute to the future I knew, but in what way, I knew not.
"Well, nee-san," he sighed, "I guess all our hard work was useless after all, ne?" He laughed heartily, before allowing what remained of our project to collapse.
"Is it okay for you to just let it crumble away?" I ask. "You spent a lot of effort into building it!"
"It's fine." The boy replied. "I think that sometimes, crumbling away would lead to an interesting discovery."
I suppose my job is done. The boy was about to leave, so I stood up as well, but as I did, the club journal fell from the small handbag I carried along.
"Oh!"
It was the nearly forgotten article I had to bring along. I honestly had no idea what it was for. My superiors only told me to bring it. Up to now, it was hidden until the boy picked it up.
"Hm, nee-san, what is this?"
"T-that? Um…that is a project we did for our club." I replied, looking intently at the boy as he opened the book and began reading it.
"Did Onee-san write some of this?" the boy asked.
"Yes." I answered, taking a glance at the time. They should be there right now. "Well, I have to get the book back now…"
"Hey, nee-san?" the boy suddenly said. "Can I keep this?"
"Huh?"
"It looks really interesting. Like these symbols," he showed me a group of symbols.
I remembered them. I had gasped upon seeing them the first, understanding what they meant. He had noticed, and asked me if I understood them.
To my greater surprise, I was able to answer him. If I remember correctly, that was the first time the rules were ever relaxed for me.
"Nee-san? Can I keep it?"
The boy's question awoke me from my daydream. I looked at him again, as he gave me on of those looks that seemed to plead for it. I sighed.
"Well…I suppose."
He smiled, thanking me as he left.
The sun had turned an orange hue, signaling the day's approaching end. I hurriedly ran towards the designated meeting place to meet with them. They were probably waiting for me now.
There they stood, side by side, hand by hand, amidst the bustling crowd of people. They were the perfect picture of a couple; although the boy gave off a look of annoyance, there was that sparkle that was in his eye, almost akin to a child finding something exciting. He would look to the girl in annoyance, but the gaze in his eye would lighten, like saying "Oh well, might as well go with it" and release a smile that radiated happiness.
She stood energetically, carrying something akin to a book. Did he buy it for her? I would never know. Delicacy forbids I ask such trivial matters. Why should I care? My job was to observe her, and help him in any way possible. It was not mine to decide.
I was not to hope otherwise.
"Hey, you're late." He notices me, and I nodded in apology.
"Yeah…sorry…"
"Hey! Mikuru-chan! What took you so long?" She said, before grabbing me into a fierce hug. "Man, I really envy you! I wish I had a hot body like yours! If I was a guy I'd go for you!"
"Kyaa!" I screamed.
As he tried to separate us, and the people around us looked, I knew this was, after all, the few things I could enjoy in this mission.
"Wah, Suzumiya-san, at least not in public! Ssob…"
-0-
We were in the club room. I once wore the maid outfit, as requested by him. I was happy. The sight of his happy, smiling face was enough for me.
After all, I took most of my strength from the hope of seeing him once more. It was too much to ask we could be together.
"Here's your tea. I hope you like it. I bought it from…" I began to explain, but he cut me off.
"The other day…er…" he said, as if trying to find the correct words. "As- I mean, a stranger bumped into me. The stranger seemed to recognize me, and asked me to give you this."
He stood up and fumbled about, searching something in his pocket. Finally, he held out a note, much like the notes I receive every time a task was at hand. I took the note from him.
"D-do you remember who gave this to you…?" I asked him.
"Actually…no…I don't remember how the person looks like…" he replied.
I don't understand. I opened the note, and true enough, it was another message.
Mikuru-chan,
I'm frightfully sorry we have to treat you this way. Believe me; this is as painful for me as it is for you. I know how you feel, and I also know how hard it to do your tasks. Please do remember that whatever happens, you will understand all soon.
Don't ask him if he knows me. He will not tell you.
P.S. Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish to be happy.
I closed the note afterwards.
"W-will you please tell me, Kyon-kun?" I ask once more.
"Tell you what?"
"Who gave this to you?"
"I told you, I don't remember how she looks like."
"She…?" I tilt my head a bit. I never remember any of my superiors being female. After all, I don't remember anymore of them, even their voices were muffled.
"Ack!" He says. "Could you please forget I said that?"
"Um…I don't understand much, but okay…" I say.
Sometimes, you have to be a little selfish to be happy.
Are you trying to tell me something, superior?
"Kyon-kun?" I manage to ask.
"Eh? What is it, Asahina-san?"
True, maybe I could only be happy if I was a bit selfish. You understand, don't you? Why would you tell me this otherwise? You wouldn't judge a moment's error, would you? You wouldn't judge me if I let my emotions carry me away just once, in a mission I was forced to carry out with my reason alone
I leaned in. Perhaps this was wrong, and perhaps she would appear behind me and become angry, and I might trigger doomsday once more. Perhaps I had never learned from last time. But I didn't care. I leaned in, wrapping my arms around him. I had wanted to kiss him, but I suppose I still didn't enough courage to do so.
I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to enjoy this moment. I whispered "Thank you" to his ear more times than I could count. I hugged him even tighter, absorbing every moment of this perhaps only chance I ever had.
After all, I suppose I had to be a little selfish to be happy.
-0-
If you were wondering why in this story, Mikuru doesn't know the outcome of her actions, while in others she knows, this is my humble explanation: It just is. Seriously. The only things Mikuru is told are the somewhat minor events. Those that revolve around her, the events in the SOS brigade, and those fundamental to their achieving time-travel, Mikuru thinks her superiors do not trust her on these facts. Mikuru only knows that these actions will affect the boy's outcome later on, when she is older (and hotter, lol).
And with that, I ask you to review my story, and don't hold back on the flames. Kick me in the ass for making such a crappy piece of fan fiction. Flame me for intermixing present and past tense words and stuff...come on, flame away for not making another KyonxHaruhi story like I always do! Come on!
Oh well… my next story's prolly another KyonxHaruhi one anyway…