I wanted to write this originally because I wanted a nice Tony and Effy story wherein they don't love each other romantically. Instead, I end up writing this. Writing is kind of funny that way. I tried to give Effy a sort of heart, seeing as she'd always just been the cruel shell the whole time she was in Skins. I love Effy, I do. I don't think people do her justice - she's complex and I think that's what makes her such a lovely character to write. I think deep inside, Effy is just as insecure as everyone else.
Effy doesn't utter a word until the accident happens; only when Tony doesn't seem to be breathing does she begin to form words on her lips and lace them with enough hate and depression. "Tony." is the first thing that comes out before a string of other words. Help, fuck, shit. She screams until her throat goes dry and sobs until she can't breathe.
After the accident, Effy begins to speak more than ever. Words that had once been so golden and scarce now fly breezily out of her thin lips. "Elizabeth Stonem." She whispers, over and over until it doesn't sound like anything to her anymore. It was never anything in the first place - just two words that have always been a constant reminder of who her parents had wanted her to be. Elizabeth Stonem; the beautiful and perfect daughter - namesake of the Virgin Queen, the ruler of England.
Her name is a joke. She is a joke; cruel and ridiculous. A joke only Tony had once understood but had now forgotten. Often as she looks into the mirror and gazes into her own eyes only to find Tony's gazing right back.
"Elizabeth Stonem." She whispers again. Effy counts the letters, runs the syllables along her tongue and pretends to be the Elizabeth her parents had long ago prayed for. Elizabeth never comes, Effy screams silently in her sleep.
She takes Pandora in with the girl's blonde pigtail and innocent smiles. She does not look at Effy like the others, not with their jealous stares and questioning looks that ask about the illustrious Tony - Panda simply sees a girl who's willing to be her best friend. It is enough for Effy.
On nights when it is cold and Tony falls asleep as they watch Eastenders - an attempt to remind him of how his life had somewhat been before - Effy sneaks out by the playground with Panda in tow. The blonde wear fuzzy slippers and pink pajamas fit for a toddler; she brings a blanket for Effy in case it gets too cold - it's always too cold.
They watch the stars and Bristol at night; share secret wishes as comets glide in the darkness. "Moon. That's my name. Pandora Moon." Panda coos happily, swinging herself slowly as the breeze blows. "D'you think I could be a descendant to some werewolves, Effy? Because werewolves like the moon."
"Maybe." She answers, lighting a cigarette in the dimness.
"I wish I was though. Maybe more people would like me." The blonde sighs, shuffling along the swing awkwardly as she wrings the chains with her chubby fingers. Effy does not answer because she doesn't know how but somehow she wishes she had enough words. The words never come, Panda stares up at the moon as if she were whispering a sort of sad prayer, and Effy would rather be mute than be stuck with such a sad sentiment. Panda deserves better but Effy is so selfish.
Everyone finds love except Effy. When Tony leaves, she feels as if he takes everything with him. She spends nights in his room - hiding under the sheets that smell like him and breaking things that he'd used to love. I know you, Effy Stonem. He'd said. She screams because no one but Tony will ever be able to say those words again.
She tries to be Elizabeth again. Perfect, beautiful, wonderful, Elizabeth who everyone loves and understands. Elizabeth doesn't exist, Elizabeth will never exist. Effy can't seem to figure out who she really is. She is dangerous, mysterious, and fucked up. She is Effy but sometimes she'd rather be Elizabeth.
She fucks Cook just because Elizabeth would never. He has a hard laugh, a stupid grin, and a ridiculous notion that bad boys are cool. He is enough.
It begins simply because she feels like it - she likes the way he moves and how he touches her. She does not love him.
She falls for Freddie because he makes her feel like Elizabeth whenever she is with him. He has sweet eyes, a warm touch, and love to give. He is too much.
It ends too quick simply because he feels too safe - she is afraid of his "I love you's" and smiles. She can not love him.
She leaves; runs away to a place no one can find her. She thinks of Panda and Tony - forgets Freddie and Cook. Effy loses herself in clubs, bars, alleys, and every where else. At the end of every night, she passes out into the same hotel room where she runs her fingers along her cheeks and tries to recreate the feeling Freddie had made her feel before.
Instead, she feels tears and sweat.
For a while, she stops looking into mirrors; stops seeing her reflection. It is her eyes, it is her hair, it is Tony. Not a day passes wherein she is confused. She hates him, she loves him. She writes in bathroom stalls with red lipstick; sometimes too drunk and sometimes not enough. You don't know me, Tony Stonem. is what they all say. She exits with her head down and her tights torn - at night, Effy still wakes from her own screams and cries. She doesn't even know herself.