So, some of you are thinking: "What the hell, Salmon? Don't you have a WIP?"

And I do. This is another one. LOL.

This is an idea that has been in my head for a long, long time. As you can tell, I'm quite fond of AU. My favorite type is Shepard Sibling AU's so this HAD to be one as well. Though, I promise, I have retained the characters (as much as they can be retained given the circumstances) even if their occupations will be changed and their lives altered.

This story doesn't involve war or Reapers. At least, for the former, not in the most literal sense. The updates will be sporadic and not as systematic as my other WIP. It will likely be shorter too. I hope.

Warnings: No beta (and Elantil doesn't know about this, surprise Elantil! [don't kill me]) cursing, sexual encounters, violence, AU, sporadic updates

Full Summary: AU. Garrus Vakarian didn't get into the Spectres to babysit a popstar. However, what he mistook for a rookie job was actually the toughest job in the galaxy. Includes assassination attempts, political shitstorms, and awkward!Vakarian. FemShep/Garrus.

Standard disclaimer applies. I do not own Mass Effect.

Chapter 1

"I don't understand how this mission needs a Spectre."

The Spectre headquarters located in the Citadel was in the bowels of the Citadel Tower. It was the reason why the place was always only ever occupied by a handful of Spectres at any given time. From what Garrus had observed about his mentor - the less people there were to speak to, the easier it was to goof off.

Garrus crossed his arms, trying to set his face plates into a serious expression that wasn't the turian equivalent of a human pout. Looking at his mentor, Nihlus Kryik, whose fingers typed rapidly across his omni-tool before snapping his eyes up at him, Garrus held back the urge to answer his smug look with a fist.

"It needs a Spectre because we are the best. And the best is always necessary." Nihlus waved off the hologram and twirled in his leather seat several times before Garrus stuck his hand out to stop him. "Well, that stick is shoved waaay up there today, isn't it?"

"Get some rookie to do it."

"You are a rookie, Vakarian. Your solo experience can't fill up the time for an asari fling."

Garrus's mandibles clicked together. "I'm not the only new solo agent. Get some salarian who's fumbling around. Like Mearkah."

"Ugh, Mearkah is gross. And the best is always necessary. Don't you ever listen, kid?" Nihlus smacked Garrus hand away and continued spinning in his chair. "What exactly do you have to complain about? This is a serious mission for someone who wants to be taken seriously."

"The fact that you're saying that it's for someone who wants to be taken seriously is exactly why I'm sure it's not." Garrus counted exactly three full spins and stopped the chair again, this time holding the backrest firmly in place. "Am I not good enough for anything else?"

"Vakarian, I trained you myself. I know you're good enough for a lot of things." Nihlus reached out and placed a hand on his student's shoulder before giving him a slow and knowing wink.

"Uh, that went somewhere horrible, didn't it?"

Nihlus laughed, patting him. "This is why you'll be the most suitable. You're a highly trained Spectre, you take your job seriously, and I'm sure that despite being human, she'll find you endearing. Like a lame pyjak."

Garrus sighed, trying to brush away the idea of him being a lame pyjak and the fact that Kryik found him endearing. "She's a pop star. A pop star! How can a pop star be worth Spectre-status protection?"

Kryik rarely had a serious word to say to anyone. However, with the way he stood up, his eyes narrowed and teeth bared — Garrus suddenly felt like the fledgling trainee again, like the kid who ran around with a pistol in hand next to the mentor who had nothing except fists because he went trigger happy. And still, Garrus lost that number-of-kills contest by a landslide.

"You know, I was supposed to take on this job myself. And I really would have loved to. But other assignments need my attention right now."

"Why can't I do your other assignments?"

"You've barely started doing solo work. Plus, John needs more field experience and paring the two of you together would mean expenses the Council coffers can't cover due to damages and lawsuits." Nihlus looked up, face plates shifting absent-mindedly in thought before facing him again. "Vakarian."

Garrus stared back. "Sir?"

"What about a pop star with hips like that is not to be taken seriously?"

"Spirits, why do you always—"

"I'm serious, Vakarian. Look at that waist. And that ass. Yummy." He popped a holo out of his omni-tool of the "intergalactic sensation that swept the galaxy over" and the "voice that transcended the stars." Her red hair and her green-silver eyes made her distinct even among a whole horde of humans.

However, what baffled him about this woman was all the information the datapads gave him.

There was barely anything on a past or a childhood and her fans barely cared. Kaida held chart topping singles and awards for her success. What's more, she had only been in the business for seven years. It had been a wonder how her voice and her appearance appealed to just about everyone. Jealous entertainers cried foul play and surgery. The industry called her a musical prodigy.

And to Garrus?

Garrus barely gave two pyjak shits about pop stars, sensationalism, and stardom in general. Sure, he had his music for when he was out in the field; there was nothing wrong with a little ambiance. But otherwise, all he wanted to do was be a Spectre and do something really worthwhile.

"You're joking."

Kryik chuckled. "Only barely. Beauty aside," He gazed lovingly at the hologram. "I know you read the reports. Kaida is an intergalactic symbol. Her press releases reveal that she is intelligent and capable. Despite being human, she has fans from all races—35% of them are turian, despite our races' history."

"And you're one of them?"

"Quiet you." He flicked the younger turian between the eyes. Spirits, Garrus really hated how he could never learn to avoid that. "Anyway, there has been some talk in the council about including humans into the fold, taking them in as part of the Council."

Garrus nodded. He was all for that. Humans had been rather aggressive about their role in galaxy and they kicked and spat on a lot of protocols all other species seemed to follow. But they were interesting, adaptive. Maybe they had the drive, the intelligence, the numbers, and the military might to be part of the council.

That first step had begun when a year ago the first human Spectre, John Shepard, had joined. Johnny was a good friend of Garrus and a soldier who could really give Garrus a run for his money, especially since they were under the tutelage of the same mentor. Garrus had graduated and was getting the taste of solo work- giving him a head start on experience. But Johnny's damn biotics gave him some major advantages.

"I heard about the humans being considered for a seat. What Spectre hasn't?"

"Well, the Council and the Alliance are in some sort of agreement. They're thinking about making the human representative Kaida."

Garrus took a step back. "Spirits. You're joking."

"Not at all."

"You think she can do it?"

"Yes. But my opinion won't matter. This is probably another game that they're playing. Kaida seems more like collateral damage." Nihlus growled. "Always hated barefaced tactics."

"Really. You think a pop star can handle being part of the Council?"

Nihlus laughed, flicking him on the head again. Garrus growled. "Your understanding is lacking."

Garrus glared. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Vakarian," Nihlus tapped him on the shoulder and began walking away. "You need to do more research."

Nihlus liked to talk a big deal; Garrus had learned that much in the two years that he had been under his tutelage. Garrus had been pursuing a solo career for a year, and so far, he had done nothing wrong, so it confused him that he wasn't getting harder cases.

In terms of, say, Nihlus himself and other Spectres, he was young. But Garrus held no delusions about his ability - he was one of the best and no one, Spirits be damned, should ever think otherwise. The only other person whom he thought could be better was John, but just barely.

One expertise he held in his arsenal included tech. He could run circles around Kryik when it came to that, at least. The man was likely mocking him again because Garrus had exhausted all the information on Kaida and had read the files at least twice over, even memorized a few key points about her character, had even screened an extranet blog on how "she was the voice that transcended any asari lifetime."

She was just an entertainer. A performer. Really, what was the council and the human Alliance thinking? He'd seen enough vids from the past on how humans sometimes put popular people in political positions. Half the time, it was a badly thought out plan. A lot of them had good intentions but not enough juice or drive to survive in politics.

And a popstar. Really. What happened to the other guy? Udina, if Garrus remembered right. He was a bastard but he was a political animal. A bareface of the highest order. Garrus could imagine him seething at the fact that he didn't get this coveted position.

But to hell with it, Garrus thought. He can put all this in his file when this was over. If Kaida was planning to take her seat as Councilor, if he didn't screw this up, then maybe the Council would come to trust him more.

Making his way to Kaida's apartment in the Presidium, he noted that renting the place must have cost quadruple his own expenditure for his flat in the wards for half a year. The building ran a hand scan and ID-ed him as a Spectre before he made his way into the elevator and endured the terrible wait for the climb to the penthouse.

He had some assumptions on what life would be like for a popstar. Spending every day in near leisure was one of them and he had to keep from rolling his eyes during the optical scans.

The VI on the second door after the elevator asked him to deposit his weapons, despite him already being ID-ed as Spectre.

"Miss Kaida has absolute authority on this floor, sir." The VI intoned. "Please deposit your weapons here."

"You're in the Citadel and I'm a Spectre. I think you've been misinformed."

"Comply or leave, sir."

"Look, I'm going to be Kaida's bodyguard. I can't protect her if I have to drop all my weapons here."

The VI seemed to process this and did a re-scan. "Very well, Miss Kaida has authorized your entrance." The doors slid open. "Welcome to Kaida's Ridge."

Spirits, the place had its own name. Garrus catalogued the possibility that he maybe he was dealing with a spoiled brat that would get swallowed by the intergalactic giants and digested into barely-even-diarrhea.

The penthouse was a loft, greeting whoever entered with a ridge. It was designed that it wouldn't be too unnatural and yet looked real enough. Water cascaded from it in a calm rush, hitting the rocks underneath. The rest of the loft contained more dark browns and the occasional black or white upholstery.

On the left where he was expecting to see a bar, however, was an open studio complete with an earth piano and a real classical violin, as most came in their intergalactic equivalents. Other things he was expecting, such as a dirty kitchen and clothes strewn about everywhere were also absent.

Strange. He knew in his file that there was no cleaning service being conducted here, neither from VI nor from manual manpower (the latter being extremely rare). He opened up his omni-tool to do a quick scan of all the other rooms beyond the walls. The loft had three large rooms upstairs with their own bathrooms, as well as a common room. A guest room was available across the office on the other side of the kitchen.

"If you're looking for a bar, Spectre, I'm afraid I don't drink."

Garrus snapped his eyes straight up the stairs.

Kaida made her way down, hand sliding against the railing. Her heels barely made a click against every step. Her fringe was darker than the pictures, less red and browner. It was at shoulder length and curled at the ends. Her eyes, which were more silver than green, were almost hard to leave once she had pinned him down with them. The rest of her face was sculpted finely, less round than his usual observation on humans. Kryik had already noted the fine waist and the flaring hips.

She was deathly pale though, nearly ethereal against the wine red dress. It was unlike the usual fashion in Citadel as there was enough revealed on top - a corset that bared her shoulders and a bit of cleavage. She also had a long slit that slipped high on the right side of her dress but he saw clearly the black stocking and the lace garter.

"The agency didn't tell me you were arriving. Neither did the Council," She stopped at the end of the stairs, and leaned back against the railing with her arms crossed. A pose that was so relaxed that it got on Garrus' nerves. "Wasn't our scheduled visit two days from now?"

"Kaida. My name is—"

"Garrus Vakarian. Rookie Spectre. Mentor: Nihlus Kryik and was picked up by him from your former job as C-Sec investigator. Promising during training, expertise extends to tech, CQC, and sniping. Has been actively solo for barely a year now."

He laughed, even when he told himself that he shouldn't have found any of that funny. "You had my background checked."

"No, actually. I learned it from a direct source."

Garrus looked alarmed at that. "You talked to my mentor?"

"No, your fellow rookie." She smiled, leading him with a hand to sit on the couch as she went into the kitchen. "My brother says you're good friends."

"Your brother?"

Kaida walked up to couch, drink in hand with eyes that looked lit with mirth. "He didn't tell you, did he?"

He took his drink from the table, noted the tupari scent and was glad that a human managed to not make any faux pas at the turian staple and embellish it with things like fruits and umbrellas. "Who?"

"I suppose it's not information that is well-known. The first human Spectre, John Shepard, is my twin brother."

"Oh your twin brother—Oh, shi—"

"I see you've come over barely prepared, Spectre. Why else would they let a mere singer, an entertainer, into the circle of elite leaders? The Alliance likes the idea of the Shepard tandem and the entertainment industry can teach you things about people that a political arena can't." She sat down across him. Even from where she sat, she exuded an air Garrus had known only the Consort to possess. "What is it you really want?"

"Well, uh," His hand trembled against the cup he held.

"To assess my abilities to be in politics?"

A pause. "Uh."

"To see if I was intelligent enough?"

Another pause. "Well, Kaida, um—"

"I'll be honest, Vakarian, as you have yet to find a voice. I don't want to be part of your intergalactic order, nor do I care about it. I've accepted my role as an unofficial ambassador to humankind for as long as I was famous. Any game Udina or the Alliance wants me to play is trivial in the scheme of things."

"Do kindly tell them, Spectre, as soon as you've finished your drink. And I want this to be verbatim: Shove your politics high up your asses. Frankly, I couldn't care less." She stood up and smiled. "If you will excuse me, Spectre. Lily can lead you out the door as soon as you are through. Good day to you."

As Garrus was left in the living room, cursing his lack of discretion and the possibility that this might blow into a political shitstorm because he had preempted the official meeting, he stood up from his seat and gathered his weapons. The Council was going to have a field day when (if, he hoped, if) they found out.

Of all the times, now was when Kyrik's words came back to him with the speed of an electrical current:

"Your understanding is lacking."

Spirits, Garrus hated it when his mentor was right.

Let me know if you want me to continue: review/comment, please.

Latest Update: Fix a few kinks, typos and clunky sentences, August 11, 2013.