Disclaimer: Much to my disdain, I have been informed by a variety of people that no matter how much I attempt to delude myself, I still do not own Hellsing, its characters or the pile of junk beside the computer that I am getting blamed for either way.
By the way -this fanfiction is purely random, psychotic humour. I've attempted to leave the majority of character traits similar to those in the anime, but if they go astray…well… let's not go delving off looking for them shall we. (sweatdrop) IntegraXAlucard hints and annoyance mostly – might consider other pairings if bribed enough.
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Session one: Washing Day
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Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing was not happy. Despite the fact that there is nothing incredibly unusual about this state of affairs, there was also an element to it that made it slightly out of the ordinary. While it was true that Integra's usually calm, contemptuous demeanour was unmistakeably lacking today, the fact that it had been replaced with a rage so great it was causing her to almost visibly froth at the mouth was slightly odd. At present, she was making her way across the third floor, wrathful progress marked predominantly by the trail of destruction and the crashing that foretold yet more destruction. Walter was nowhere to be seen. Even the Angel of Death would not wish to come up against the enraged Sir Hellsing, regardless of how expensive the smashing sounds were. He had never had to intercept a path of destruction quite like this one before and had no interest in starting now.
An echoing shriek rang over the sounds of clattering furniture and smashed porcelain.
"ALUCARD! MATERIALISE YOUR SORRY ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
There was a cracking, splitting sound as an unfortunate wardrobe caught the brunt of a wildly flailed fist, flying through the air as an embodiment of her frustration, fracturing the rosewood door and possibly the fist in question. A different variety of shrieking added itself to the din already making itself at home in the Hellsing mansion. Integra ceased her rampage long enough to clasp her hand to her chest; adding the self-induced injury to the list of damages that Alucard would soon be blamed for.
"I know you can hear me, you undead bastard". The venom dripping from Integra's voice as she stood, breath heaving and a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead, was exceptionally toxic, even by the Hellsing's standards.
"Did you call, Master?" A nonchalant shadow filtered through a priceless painting, mercifully spared from the destruction of Integra's earlier rage. Slowly gaining colour and an infuriating canine grin, elongated fangs bared ever so slightly, it was interesting to note that Alucard had picked the wall furthest from Integra to use has his entrance.
"What the hell do you think?" Integra hissed, still massaging the bruised knuckles and pride. Memo to self: destructive rampage more trouble than worth; decline in all future cases. The intensely irritating grin widened. "I apologise for my tardiness in that case Master. It was extremely rude of me. Is there some mundane chore that you require me to perform?"
A platinum blonde eyebrow twitched, burning blue eyes rising to meet the bloody-red pupils of her vampiric nuisance.
"It's funny that you should mention 'some mundane chore', now Alucard". It was remarkable how easily she could regain control over her breathing and voice after only moments ago ceasing her bloodthirsty charge. Integra stooped down and one hand scooped something up from off the floor, unearthed from the wreckage of a delicate china vase. She thrust the bundle into the immediate view of the grinning vampire. "And just what do you propose I do with this?" The homicidal tone appeared to have returned to her voice. So much for the legendary emotion control.
Staring cross-eyed down at the bundle threatening to smother him, despite the fact that breathing was an optional extra in his very fortunate case, Alucard affixed a look of polite confusion. "It would appear to be a blouse, my Master. Generally you wear them, or decorate the floor after wearing them. If you've forgotten how the process goes, then perhaps I could- " A mouthful of the aforementioned garment cut short this train of thought before it could inspire Integra to investigate potential means of killing the clinically undead.
"Yes, I KNOW it's a blouse, you imbecile! What else is it?"
Coughing slightly and removing the blouse from his face with the air of one terribly offended, but too polite to say anything, Alucard stared thoughtfully. "It appears to be a thin, flimsy piece of fabric that has been stitched with thin, flimsy thread by some illiterate tailor; possibly located in Italy, but maybe more to the east of Europe, depending on how badly you've been cheated of your money. There are ruffles at the collar which are a slightly paler pink than-"
"PINK!"
"Magenta maybe?"
"It's not about what shade of pink it is, you idiot! WHY in the name of all things holy is my blouse pink?"
The grin never wavered. "I haven't the slightest idea Master…"
"Oh?" The same eyebrow twitched again, a very strained grin tugging at a corner of the Hellsing knight's mouth. Alucard surveyed this with vague pensiveness. Fangs wouldn't have looked out of place in that grin.
"Then precisely what do you call this…" Another bundle of fabric found itself relocated into Alucard's airspace. Another, more familiar bundle of fabric.
"Ahh…" The bloody eyes creased into a smile. "I wondered where this went… how forgetful of me".
"WHAT THE HELL WAS YOUR HAT DOING IN WITH MY LAUNDRY!" Sanity had once again vacated Integra as rage washed over her in powerful waves. She snatched the hat back and crammed it into the pocket of her fluffy dressing-gown, doubtless to use for future blackmail. "The dye has run… all of my shirts, ALL of them… are this…wretched…shade of pink". A rabid expression was now being sported, eyes flashing dangerously behind their glasses – it was as if the glass was all that was preventing looks from killing.
"You know that I have a Round Table meeting today, you know that every Thursday, without fail, all of my shirts go into the wash. You know that all potential replacements for these shirts have been sent to the dry-cleaners and you KNEW that I wouldn't realise this until it was too late. You plotted, you conspired behind my back…"
"Master, I would never". A look of hurt flitted across Alucard's face. "You have complained frequently about my 'shabby' appearance, so I took this to heart. I decided to utilise this strange washing device in order to appease you, in order to remedy this source of annoyance. However, since I doubted that anyone would appreciate my complete de-clothing while my garments were being washed, I decided to use the device with one piece of clothing at a time. It therefore seemed more efficient to place my hat in with your washing as well".
"What kind of an excuse is that?"
"A valid one Master. Unless of course, you wouldn't have minded me washing all of my clothing at once and having to await its drying without any form of garb…"
"You can materialise your bloody clothes completely by mind! And since when do you take anything I say to heart? There's no reason why you'd have to do this ridiculous act and screw up my life the way you have".
"I apologise most sincerely, my Master. Might I comment that this particular shade of pink is most becoming to you?"
"Only if you wish to spend the next twenty years imprisoned inside a washing machine on spin-cycle".
"I'll keep my comments to myself then. What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"
Integra glanced down and then back up again, face writ with a kind of exhausted irritation. "The fact that I would turn up to a Round Table meeting clad in a fluffy blue dressing gown, white slippers and nightdress doesn't seem remotely strange to you, Alucard?"
"Claim it's a pyjama party".
"Oh very funny. Intensely witty. I thought you said that you'd keep your comments to yourself". Integra sighed, scrunching a handful of white-blonde hair against her head in frustration.
"I'm trying Master, but I do feel badly for causing you so much hurt". The grin was miraculously missing from his face, expression completely, yet unconvincingly sincere. Integra had witnessed too many of these displays of mock-sincerity. "Surely you can wear a pink blouse just once Master, without having it plastered all over the newspapers or branded onto the noble Hellsing family's history for all of time. There's no need to be so melodramatic…" He trailed off as her eyes met his again, wordlessly expressing her utter disdain for him and his opinions.
"That's not a chance I'm willing to take. Firstly, a pink blouse and forest-green suit would ensure that even the colour-blind knights wouldn't be able to make eye contact, let alone take my suggestions seriously. Secondly, this is ENTIRELY your fault and that in itself is not something that I want to have widely known. An out of control, laundry-challenged vampire is not something that the good people of Great Britain wish to hear about".
"So, what are you going to do about it then?" Alucard yawned. Complaints were much less interesting than all-out ranting, and it was late in the morning for anything that approached prolonged boredom.
"Any bright ideas?"
He blinked. "You're asking for my help now?"
Integra's teeth ground irritably. "Have I not made it clear enough to you precisely how dire my situation is now? Yes, I am asking for your suggestions; that's how bad it is".
Alucard regarded hr thoughtfully. It hadn't actually occurred to him that she might reach the level of desperation as to ask for his help. That kind of desperation usually only came about whenever Integra was unable to dispatch with any potentially-lethal threat by herself. To have the staining of a couple of shirts placed on this level was most unanticipated.
Damn. He'd have done it sooner if he'd know that this was the reaction that he'd get.
When he glanced back at Integra, she was glaring at him with a faint air of pleading about her. Yet another strange expression to add to the list of those catalogued.
"Well…" He rolled the syllable across his tongue with relish "If just wearing the wretched garment is out of the question, then why don't you wear my trench coat over the top of it?"
"Indeed? And instead find myself being asked precisely how I came to be wearing your clothes? Not quite Alucard".
Alucard sniffed. He thought he'd been very generous with that particular offer. "You could always utilise the selection of frippery that your father's female side of the family made use of".
"If I wanted to enshroud myself in lace doilies of conflicting colours, then I would fashion myself a more tasteful garb from the tablecloths in the dining hall shortly after checking myself into a sanatorium, as I will have finally lost my mind. Not to decry my noble ancestors, but their choice in clothing not only conflicts with my taste, but also my gauge of sanity".
"That only leaves your pyjamas then, unless you'd be willing to let me go and purchase clothing for you, Master…" The widening grin and unusual flicker in the vampire's eyes convinced Integra that this particular idea could only prove even more detrimental for her reputation.
"What the hell was that supposed to mean?"
"What was what supposed to mean, Master? It was a perfectly reasonable offer".
"I thought I told you to keep your comments to yourself!"
"I could've sworn that we've done this scene before, Master".
"SHUT UP! THIS IS ENTIRLY YOUR FAULT! You're about as much use as a chocolate ashtray".
"In that case, I'll take my leave for being of no good use". With a burst of malicious, lingering laughter, Alucard melted into shadow and faded from view.
"ALUCARD! It was a figure of speech, damn it!"
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In the end, Integra was forced to wear both the pink blouse and a matching murderous glare, which not only ensured that not only did nobody comment on her outfit, but also that no-one challenged her decisions. All in all, the day wouldn't have been so disastrous after all, if only she hadn't made the unfortunate discovery that all of her pyjamas today had gone through the same wash as Alucard's hat – still rolled up in a ball inside her dressing-gown pocket.
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wild-filly: What do you think? Feel free to review, but please bear in mind that since I'm currently under attack from my last year at school, updates will come second before studying. Unfortunately.