one: cutting threads

Cut what holds you down.

A question rings heavily in the air.

It was directed towards her, but she doesn't have the answer. She should, though; given that she had three months to think of it.

Everything is so perfect, she thought. But how can everything be nothing at the same time? It is perfect; the room is filled with flowers of lilacs and roses, she's wearing the prettiest gown in town made by hand, and the people she loves are in near-complete attendance. It was the wedding she's ever dreamed of, and in front of her is the husband she has always asked for.

But she can't answer the question. She can't say those two words.

She's standing stiffly, her heart racing, her mind running away from the moment. She's terrified. Her looks were practically begging someone to stand up and stop the wedding this very instant.

She needs someone to take her away.

If only he could notice the look on her face, then he probably wouldn't be having that blinding smile plastered to his face. He's so caught up in the moment to actually see her right now, God – he's so blind. But he's looking at her with those serene eyes that are urging her to say those two words that will bind them forever.

It's like there's a big flashing sign saying 'JUST SAY YES' urging her to answer the goddamn question. It's like there's a marquee that says 'MARRY ME' and is raised on the highest building in Lima. It's like someone proposed to her during a half-time break of an NBA game, in the centre of the arena filled with thousands of people screaming at her to just take the fucking ring and marry the man because it's cute and he's cute. It's like words are written in the sky and fireworks are forming her name just after her favourite band finished performing in their concert. It was supposed to be easy to say those two words, right? But right now, it's like marriage is just a stupid grand gesture and nothing more. And the worst part is it requires an answer she can't give. She doesn't want to disappoint the audience, but she can't disappoint herself either. Grand gestures are sweet, but the girl standing in front of the altar right now thinks that it's only done by people that are doubtful of how their partner will respond when they pop the question so they pressure them into saying 'yes' with their grand schemes and big words.

She looks around the crowd only to see them turning their heads to whisper to one another. Her unresponsiveness stirred a commotion. It's nauseating how judgemental people can be. Why are they even here? Half of them she doesn't even know because they're probably from the groom's family. Her loved ones doesn't even occupy one fourth of the crowd. The other one fourth? Complete strangers – probably just waiting on how she'll mess it all up. Well, that's the crowd she won't be disappointing today.

Only two people seems calm and unmoving – her dads. They're grasping each other's hands tightly for anchor while looking at her, urging her to make a choice. Do they want her to say yes? Or do they want her to walk down that aisle and run away? What do they want her to do? What does she want to do? And why wasn't she born with some telepathic ability because she could really use one right now?

A tug in her hands, clasped by a pair of bigger ones, brought her back to the present. "Do you want to be with me, Rach? For the rest of our lives?" He asks her with hopeful eyes, still not sensing the doubt in hers. She didn't know that love could make someone this blind.

She opens her mouth and urges words to come out. "I –" But she can't and she feels like crying. She feels caged and she hates it. She hates that she feels this way because she loves this guy, she's in love with this guy – they said that she always has been.

She shuts her eyes closed, and a tear falls. She tries to remember if she really loved him. She searches for memories, she searches for feelings, and she searches deeply until she finds it - a glimpse of her memories and feelings in the past. Her heart was suddenly filled with joy and happiness, of love. The memories came flooding in one by one. They're not concrete, but they're there. There are so many of them yet only a few she can remember. She was in love. Her face lights up but her eyes still closed. She searches further and looks for a face. She wants to know if the person standing in front of her right now is the one she has all these feelings for – but she found no face tangible in her memories that's enough to complete the puzzle in her head. And when she opens her eyes, she finds nothing similar to her bare memories at all. There's nothing that resembles what she felt from what she feels right now - which is shit. Love shouldn't make you feel like shit, right? "I'm so sorry, Finn. I'm so sorry." Tears now freely fall from her eyes. "I don't."

And with that she runs away – walks down the aisle and opens the doors and for the first time since the wedding started, she can finally breathe.

It is chaotic inside. Everyone's asking each other what happened: Was there a third-party? Was she pregnant? Assumptions like those came out of nowhere, really. Gossips will start to roam around town now and it'll probably last for weeks - years even – until people get the answers they want. But until then, gossips will do. It'll fill people's mouth and feed them something to talk about. Everyone enjoys a good gossip. Everyone's got a say in everything. But no one really cares – at least not the people that really know her.

No one wonders what it would be like to be the groom right now. No one even dares talk to him while he's standing there, looking at the space that was occupied by his bride seconds ago. It is empty space now, and he doesn't know what to think of it. He closes his eyes and breathes heavily, and when he opens them, it is burning with nothing but pure determination.

He'll go after her. He will, because it's the right thing to do. Because they love each other, and they're meant to be, and Rachel's just going through a phase.

Coming from a stranger's point of view, or hell, to anyone with a sane mind's point of view, their relationship was never an ideal one. It was built in impure want, fear, and lies. It was a teenage love affair. It was never meant to last. But they made each other believe that they wanted for it to be forever, and who's to argue with that? Who inside this room has the reason to stand up against it? No one. No one here.

Because the only person who may have some motivation to break off this wedding is nowhere near here right now.

"Dude, no." His best man who's tightly gripping his arm says, making him stop in his tracks to following his bride. "Don't break your heart more than it already is, man. Talking her into marrying you is just plain stupid."

"She's just confused, right now." He says, though he's confused just as much.

"You don't even know half of what's going through inside her mind. No one does. Give her time and space, and I know it hurts, man. But she's hurting too, more than any of us can probably imagine." Puck says.

And that's enough for Finn to let her go – let her go and find what she wants. But he's still hoping - God, how he is and will forever be hoping that it's him that she comes back to someday. A tear falls from his eyes but he doesn't wipe it off.

The commotion inside makes Leroy and Hiram cringe, not because of the loud voices but because of what they say. They're all hurtful and wrong in every way. How dare they say things like that when they don't even know half of what's going on?

"Should we follow her?" Leroy asks, still unmoving from his seat.

Hiram stands up before he can even reply, "We probably should."

They're the only ones that followed Rachel outside. It didn't take them too much effort to look for her since she's just slumped down a couple of steps outside the chapel – like her knees gave in even before her feet can touch the bottom of the stairs.

"You're going to ruin your dress if you'll sit there all day, honey." Leroy helpfully starts, settling beside her while Hiram sits on her other side. They don't know what's going on with their daughter right now, but they trust her enough to make her decide on her own.

Rachel smiles and sighs before she wipes off the tears that ruined her make-up. She looks at the ground in surrender. "I probably ruined the whole wedding by walking out of that door minutes ago, dad." She says, then adds, "Trust me when I say that this dress is the least of what I'm worried right now."

"I know, little girl." He clutches his daughter's hands that were neatly folded in her lap, then jokingly adds, "It's just that this is hand-stitched, you know, and –"

It's not really the dress. It's just that no one feels like talking about what's happening or what will eventually happen so they try to hold it back just a little more time. But Rachel can't take it anymore -

"I'm sorry, I'm so – so sorry." Rachel suddenly burst, crying in his father's chest while his dad was left to do nothing but soothe her back.

"It's really okay, honey, it's just a dress." Hiram says.

Rachel chuckles and suddenly she's thinking of how thankful she is that she has these two people in her life. They just make it all better, somehow. "Not only that, but I mean – everything." She sighs and releases her tight grip on his father. She looks at herself then says, "I'm a mess, aren't I?"

"Just a little smudge of make-up in here", Leroy moves his thumb to clear the dark smudges made by her mascara then says, "but you're still beautiful, honey."

She mouths a weak thanks and then turns into his other father, Hiram, and hugs him just as much as she did Leroy. Then there's a small silence; and in a way she wishes it will somehow channel her love to these two wonderful people.

"Spare us a piece of what's going on in that wicked mind of yours?" Hiram says after Rachel let go of her tight grip.

"I want to get so drunk that I'll pass out, or hell, even die of alcohol poisoning so that I don't have to wake up anymore.", is what she wants to say but instead says, "I don't – really know. It's just that I feel like I'll combust into tiny pieces of nothingness if I'm not somewhere else that is not here, right now. I – does that make sense?" She frowns in concentration then shakes her head because even to her, it doesn't.

The silence was tense; it holds too much. She doesn't even know what she wants, yet. But she needs to decide now and regret later because too much time was already wasted and she really doesn't want to waste some more.

"It does, honey. Don't worry about us. We understand what you mean, although we don't completely understand what's going on just as much as you do." He says as he slowly strokes her cheeks, drying up the lingering tears.

"It just doesn't feel right. I feel awful. I feel awful for breaking Finn's heart and disappointing all the people in there and I just – God. I want to do something for Finn because he's been such a great guy as far as I can remember and I thought that accepting his marriage proposal for the second time would do everyone good, but I – I can't lie. I can't do that to myself." She admits, but the awful feeling just really doesn't go away. It probably won't - for at least, oh let's say her whole life - no matter how much she wishes that it does.

"You don't believe that you love him?" Leroy asks, "Because if you do, you wouldn't have doubted, honey."

"That's the problem, I don't. I – I closed my eyes and tried to remember how in love I was before and when I opened them it felt that it's not him. Maybe it's not the same Finn that I used to be in love with or maybe it's just a whole other person but – God – it's so frustrating that I can't remember a thing." Rachel tries to speak clearly but she can't stop her crying.

"Then it's not him that you're in love with, little girl. I'm sure he'll understand.. someday. Maybe not today, or maybe not tomorrow, but he'll forgive you someday. And you should forgive yourself too." Hiram says.

"I can tell that it's not the only thing bothering you, honey. Come on, you can open up to us – especially to us." Leroy adds.

She tries to collect her bearings and says, "Isn't it a little bit selfish that I'm using this as an excuse to just lash out?" She scoffs to herself.

"Everything in your head is messed up, Rachel. I think that's a pretty much acceptable reason for you to lash out." Leroy says, giving her just enough boosts to open up.

"I can't even describe how much pain I feel every time I wake up, feeling so empty because nothing feels like it is how it's supposed to be – everything: Being with him, being here in Lima." And just when she thinks that she can't cry any more, her eyes blur once again as tears fall. "I can't - I don't even think that being alive is what I'm supposed to be right now."

"Don't you dare think like that, Rachel!" Hiram says with panic, because who the hell won't panic when your daughter tells you that she's pretty much suicidal? "None of that accident was your fault. She – no one blames you, honey. Don't blame yourself."

"Then whose fault was it, daddy?" Rachel asks. It was mostly a rhetorical question because she knows there's really no answer to that. "You can't even answer me. You can't even tell me a damn thing about what happened that day!"

"We thought you understand –" Leroy says.

"I do, dad. I really do understand that you're doing this – everything – to save me from more pain. I just don't think that I can accept it anymore." Rachel shakes her head mostly in submission and hurt rather than of stubbornness and anger.

Her fathers look like they're on the verge of tears as well. One of them says, "We can't, Rachel."

"Why? Give me the real reason this time." She begs and pleads that it's the truth that they'll tell her this time.

"Because we promised someone that we won't." Hiram admits.

"And this person is more important than your own daughter, huh?" Rachel asks then sighs.

"This person's very important to you, Rachel." Leroy adds. "But you – you don't remember anything about this person at all. Just think of how much that hurts, to be forgotten by someone you.. care for."

The pause is long, and it's enough for that fact to sink in. She really thinks that there's not enough water in her body to compensate for the tears she's losing today.

"Everything will be given to you in time, honey. You just have to wait. And if it doesn't, then maybe that's for the best, right?" Hiram says, and she tries to cope in his sentiments. She really does.

"I – I won't wait for it. There's so much time lost from mourning. I want to move on, move past this." She says like she's also convincing herself of that fact. She nods to herself and continues, "And I know this is pretty much a reckless decision for me but would you understand if I want to leave Lima?"

"Honey, if there's one thing we regret, it's that we stopped you from doing what you wanted in the first place." Leroy lowly says.

"I want – I want to go to New York." She claims. She smiles because for the first time after the long moment of just crying, she's actually thought of doing something rather than just letting herself sink some more, every passing day. If only she's thought of that three month ago, she'd probably not be here in Lima right now, crying her eyes out because she's broken someone's heart. God knows how many more she already has.

Her smile makes her fathers smile as well. They look at each other and nods in agreement – like they've known that this would eventually happen.

"If that's what you want, Rachel, then we'll support you all throughout. There's no reason for us not to. Leroy?" Hiram says and points his head towards Rachel, like he's saying that it's his turn to say something. The gesture made Rachel confused.

"What is it?" Rachel asks, turning his head to Leroy.

"See, little girl. New York was your dream." Leroy says.

"Was." Rachel mumbles. "What changed?"

"Your mind changed. We think your mind got a little bit shaken too much after.. the accident. And you never mentioned New York, not even once. And we thought –" Leroy carefully explains but Rachel's mumbles stops him in continuing.

".. you thought I forgot. There's actually only a few that I can remember about it. It's – there's – " Rachel's eyes light up at the memories she's starting to remember, she ignores the pain throbbing in her head and just craves for more. She wants it all. She wants to remember it all.

Hiram tries to supress his snooping but fails miserably. Rachel's going through therapy which promises that she'll be able to regain memories somehow, but she's never talked about it directly with her parents.

"Just how much, honey?" Leroy asks.

"I, I applied in a school there, right? NYADA? But I don't know if –"

"You got accepted, honey. What else?"

"We'll celebrate later."

"And even if I wasn't even accepted yet, I think we looked for an apartment near the university. And – "

"Yes, and we've rented it already."

"Wait, what?" It just makes Rachel plainly confused. "You rented the place even if you know that I was going to marry Finn?"

"Well – yes. Because, you know, who knows maybe, I don't know, maybe you'll happen to want to visit New York someday.. with Finn of course.. and that you won't need to stay in a hotel or something." Leroy's never really a smooth liar.

"So you decided to pay a monthly rent? No, really, I want the truth, dad." Rachel says with the need of vindication.

"Okay so maybe we kind of knew that you won't go through the wedding and –" Hiram admits and before he can even try to explain, Rachel's already up and heading towards their car.

"Oh. My. God." Rachel blankly says.

"Rachel! Honey, see, it works for all of us, right?" Leroy shouts while they both follow and tries to keep up with Rachel's phase.

It's the thought that she could actually be somewhere other than Lima right now that excites her. "I love you so much; you have no idea how much, like this much!" She gestures her hands to circle just how much her arms can reach. "I love you both, you should really know that."

"Wait, you're not angry?" Hiram cautiously asks.

"Maybe a little bit but it'll go away." Rachel's emotion right now is indescribable, but her face settles with what looks like a bit crazily happy but mostly, determined. "I want to go there, like right now."

"Like, right now right now? Not like right now maybe tomorrow-after-we-pack-stuff-and-say-goodbye-to-your-friends kind of right now?" Leroy tries, unbelieving of how Miserable Rachel turned into this Eccentrically-Energetic Rachel. Does she even realize that she had just called off a wedding merely thirty minutes ago? But they've never seen her this happy, and neither wants to snap her back into reality – pop the bubble she's currently trapped into and drag her down from her high. Not one of them has the guts to disagree with her anymore.

Their hesitation somehow bothers Rachel for a second, making her stop in front of their car.

"I – I'll just call Santana and the glee club sometime. I don't even know what to tell Finn. I'm sorry, if I scared you for a second there. We can go tomorrow. I just – I really feel like New York's where I'm supposed to be right now." Rachel calmly says.

"We know, honey."

"Do you really, though?" She asks. It's not filled with anger; it's a question that challenges them to say the truth. The truth that neither of them really understands. "You have no idea how hard it is to wake up every day feeling lost, like I have no idea of anything anymore. It sucks. And I think it is very much unfair." She stops herself, breathes heavily to hold back the tears that are about to spill, and continues, "I think it's unfair that this happened to me. But I'm done trying to remember the past. I don't want to try and remember what used to be because no one really wants to remind me of all the shit I went through before. So how about I just create something new? In New York - I'll start again in New York." She sighs so deep like the last straw has just been drawn from her and that she surrenders. She doesn't want to fight anymore. She just wants to feel something again.

Neither Hiram nor Leroy has a response to that. With one glance towards each other and they both understand. Leroy opens the back seat of the car just as Hiram holds Rachel's shoulders and gently shoved her at the back of the car, then says, "We're not letting you drive. Sit back there and we'll do the rest. We'll take you to New York in no time, honey."

Hiram starts the engine and drove towards their house, while Leroy sits beside their daughter. Not one of them remembers the mess they left in the chapel, and instead, just drinks in the feeling of being overwhelmed with the possibilities to come... in New York.

"So New York, huh?" Leroy asks, clutching Rachel's hands in her lap.

"Yeah." She breathes the word because the thought alone is very much overwhelming. She's still in her bride's dress for crying out loud.

"What makes it so special?" His father asks while he looks at the window.

The question caught her off guard. She hasn't thought about that at all. There's just something about New York.. that calls her. She feels like it summons her, no matter how stupid that sounds. Although, now that she thinks about it, the thought of actually going anywhere that is not Lima would probably excite her either way. "I don't really know." She admits.

Leroy lets it go because he knows that she still doesn't remember it all – how it's always been her dream. "Tell me how much you remember in your apartment-hunting trip there." He taunts.

"Leroy.." Hiram calls him warningly.

Rachel waves him off, showing that it's okay to ask questions because she thinks that it'll help her remember. Little does she know that that's not what his father is referring to.

"All I can remember is that I had a great time. I was happy. Somehow, I was content." It's Rachel's turn to look through the window and let her gaze focus into nothing at all. She smiles, "Maybe New York's really where I belong, huh?"

Leroy nods and guardedly says, "Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, it's the people you were with that made you happy and content?" He shrugs it off to hide the real meaning of his question.

She took the question as humorous and ridiculous, so she replies, "Of course I was happy I was with both of you. Although I don't remember much, I'm sure that I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I had without you two." She seems so sure of her answer, yet she feels like there's something wrong with what she just said. It makes her unconsciously frown. Her head hurts so badly, she feels like her skull's being broken in half. Then there's that feeling again that makes her sick, she knows that she's forgetting something and it makes her feel terrible - more than how the headache makes her feel.

The silence is unnerving as Leroy and Hiram fights the urge to say something, because they know that things will somehow fit to pieces again. Their tongues itch to just let the word slip, but they believe that gravity will somehow work its own way to bringing everything back together the way it was. They both believe that God has his own set of needles and thread and has massive skills in stitching patches together and will someday see that there are two scrap fabrics out there that will perfectly fit together.

It sounds stupid, but that's exactly what they are for believing in what they do.

New York probably means a new start to Rachel, but little does she know that it might bring her something else: a closure to what was finished, or a continuation of what was left undone, or maybe – just maybe – a complete reset of what has completely gone wrong.

Author's Note: This is my very first story. It's my first time to write something that I eventually decided to publish. Tell me what you think about the story, what you feel like I should do, or tips on how to improve my writing. I'll take everything as constructive as I can. I'll update every week! Or at least I'll try.