Disclaimer: The song belongs to Dido. Upham belongs to Saving Private Ryan which belongs to DreamWorks. (Though I do wish Upham belonged to me!)

This song-fic is set after Caparzo dies, and they are all resting in the church. Upham has mixed feelings. (*= parts of the song; italics= thoughts)

*I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again*

It has been a long day. My feet as well as my head hurts. The soft flickering of the candles that surround us offered no solitude for me. My mind aches with fury and sorrow. I sit down and stare into nothingness. Conflicts in my mind are confusing me. Was this destiny? Did Caparzo really have to die? A feeling of dread has slowly been overcoming me. Frustrating me. Suddenly the captain and sergeant start laughing. They are talking about a soldier named Veccio who always walked on his hands. I am too lost to take any more notice.

*I just want to feel deep in my own world*

The guys start to ask how private Jackson gets to sleep so quickly. Someone asks how a quote goes, and I am drawn out of my world for a second. "If god be for us, who could be against us?" I correct him. No one replies. I sink back into my trance. If god be for us, who could be against us. I truly don't know the answer to that. I'm starting to think a lot about this war. Wade is telling the rest of us his trick to falling asleep. Then he tells us how he used to try to stay awake until his mother came home. Reiben says something about how his mom used to wake him up and chat until dawn. Then Wade tells how he used to pretend he was asleep when his mother came home. How he knew she only got off early to see how his day was. Tears formed in his eyes as his voice wavered a little. My mind is swimming with emotions. I don't even want to think about my family, for I might break.

*But I'm so lonely, I don't even want to be with myself anymore*

Soon, the captain comes over to us and tells us we only have 2 more hours to sleep, and we better get some rest. I take the opportunity to speak to him. We have a conversation about how I think the war sharpens the senses. Then I ask him where he is from. He asks what the pool on him is up to. I'm guessing around 300. Wait until 500 he tells me. I suggest 1000, but he makes a statement that perplexed and scared me. "What if we don't live that long?" "500 then…" I concluded. He tells me to get rest. I sink into my mental void.

*On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin*

I remember my old friends. If you could call them friends, that is. I was quite content making maps, now and then translating something for someone. Everyday was pretty much routine. No guns. No fighting. Boy was this different. Everyday, something new to me. Witnessing someone you just befriended die. Afraid for your life as guns from all around fire at you. I have never been in situations like those until Miller came along. And I don't ever want to be in them again.

*And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore*

I wish this had happened to me. I don't feel I belong here. Ever searching for solitude from the world of madness and hate. Never finding that solitude. I am forced to live with my emotions. To live within a cage in my head. I don't think I can take it. Sometimes, I can barely even think of my family, it hurts so much. So much that I can't even be with me. But tomorrow is another day, another adventure, and another chance to find myself. I am dreading every second of it.

*I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again*