This piece was originally posted on 7/27/05 at the LiveJournal community, inu comedy.
Important Instructions: Before you read this, check out the following site (remove the spaces): http/ walking dead . net / perl / euphemism. It's called The Always Amusing Euphemism Generator, and my warped sense of humor finds it to be vastly entertaining.
Disclaimer: The Always Amusing Euphemism Generator does not belong to me, nor do these characters, which are the property of Rumiko Takahashi.
Warning: I thought it would be fun to write a fic using some of the literary masterpieces I found at the Euphemism Generator. I apologize in advance for the endless innuendo abuse.
Spring Fever
Inu-Yasha looked down from his perch in the Goshinboku and growled. The sun was shining, the air was clear, and it was absolutely the worst day of his life. There she was, climbing out of the well and looking so innocent and sweet…and wearing the shortest skirt imaginable. He dug his claws into the branch in frustration. Damn the girl! She didn't have the slightest clue what she was doing to him!
He hated spring, despised what it did to his body. Lately, it seemed as if every morning he woke up icing the batch. It was instinctive, this call to befriend the great baton. His normal response would be to run off somewhere private and spend the morning in a darkened cave massaging the hot pretzel, but this spring was different. This spring, he had to protect Kagome and search for that damned broken jewel.
Wanting to leave the immediate vicinity before he did something stupid – like ask Kagome if she wanted to conjure the red chipmunk – the hanyou jumped from the tree and ran through the forest. This turned out to be an even worse decision on his part, for he soon encountered another couple caught in the midst of spring fever. The sight threatened to burn his eyeballs.
Apparently Koga wasn't above trolling for the one-eyed platoon, either. Ayame had joined him, and oblivious to the crowd of observers that was forming, the couple continued smurfing the milkshake. "Hey, Inu-Yasha!" Ayame grinned as she paused in the middle of biting the sly chicken. "Wanna join in the fun?"
"Hells, no!" Inu-Yasha spat in disgust. "You two might not care if everyone watches you retrieving the wax emperor, but I do! Go find a cave if you're gonna explore the great fishbowl!"
He ran off again, but it seemed that everywhere he stopped he found individuals and couples hammering the bulldog. Even Sesshomaru was over by the hot springs, greasing up the justice. Jaken was hovering nearby, unlocking the tiny pickle.
"Hey, don't you have a fortress or something where you can do that?" Inu-Yasha yelled. "And please tell me that Rin is far away from here!"
"Don't be crude, half-breed," Sesshomaru said calmly as he continued skinning the tin god. "I would never permit Rin to be nearby when someone was breaking the kishka. Now leave this place, before I order Jaken to instruct you in the art of shaking hands with the melting warlock."
Despairing of ever finding someplace where he could avoid stumbling across someone munching the sly glass stick, Inu-Yasha returned to the Goshinboku. Maybe he could convince Kagome to return to her own time, leaving him to taint the little totem pole in peace. At least this way, he wouldn't be in danger of hurting the very girl he was supposed to protect.
Kagome was waiting there for him, an angry expression on her face. "Sit!" she yelled as Inu-Yasha approached. "I can't believe you just ran off like that! I had to carry that heavy backpack full of your ramen all the way to Kaede's hut by myself!"
The 'sit' command bothered him more than usual, partially due to the amount of time he'd spent that morning watching everyone please the dumplings. What hurt the most, though, was his pride. Here he was trying to protect Kagome from his baser instincts, and the ungrateful bitch was yelling at him?
"Fine," Inu-Yasha huffed through a mouthful of dirt. As soon as he could move, he sprung from the dirt and tackled the girl from the future, pinning her beneath him. "Know what time it is, Kagome?" he growled in her ear, pressing his body tightly against her. "It's spring. Wanna know what happens to demons in the spring?"
"Their instincts take over, and they want to spend the entire day ruining the light bulb," Kagome answered calmly.
Inu-Yasha blinked. He had expected a scream of fear or shock, not this matter-of-fact reply. "Um…okay." He rolled off of her and helped her to her feet. "So…you're not going to sit me for being such a…a…"
"I s-i-t you for being a jerk," Kagome told him as they started walking back toward the village, "not for acting out of perfectly natural instincts. Poor dog-boy," she said in sympathy. "It's been a rough morning for you, hasn't it?"
"You have no idea," Inu-Yasha groaned, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "Everywhere I turn, I see someone shouting at the perpetual purple Buddha. Dammit, Kagome, I'm trying to restrain myself, but when you climbed out of the well wearing that," he pointed a claw at her short skirt, "it was all I could do not to grab you and start huffing the joyous president right here beneath the tree!"
Her next words stopped him in his tracks. "What if I wouldn't mind?" Kagome asked quietly.
"What?" Inu-Yasha sputtered.
"You're not the only one who likes to spank the hot flounder," Kagome said, a bright blush covering her cheeks. "Humans like to bake the rabbit, too. It's perfectly natural."
He grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her to face him. "You're serious? You mean you'd really want to peel the plant with me? But I'm just a filthy hanyou!"
"You're my hanyou, and I love you," Kagome answered, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. "I'll bite the gravy with you anytime, Inu-Yasha, not just during the spring."
"That's great," Inu-Yasha grinned wickedly. "'Cause right now, I really feel like digging the rubber cherry emperor."
"Not here," Kagome giggled. "Let's go find somewhere private. And avoid that cave over by the hot springs; Shippo said Sango and Miroku were in there corrupting the pipe."
Inu-Yasha swept her onto his back and set off in search of a hidden cave he remembered from a previous spring. The sun was shining, the air was clear, and Kagome wanted to bash the raisin. This was absolutely the best day of his life.
- End -
A/N: And now it's time to put Black Lavender back into her cage…