Bowser's New Girlfriend
Chapter 1: Tuxedos & Lobsters
It was nighttime. When I walked into the family room, I saw something terrifying. King Dad was wearing a tuxedo. Something weird was going on.
"Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" I asked.
"Why aren't you wearing a tuxedo?" King Dad asked.
"Cause I'm not weird." I replied. King Dad rolled his eyes.
"I have a date. I'm bringing her here. So you better be on your best behavior!" King Dad boomed.
"All right!" I said. Good luck with that. I ran into Lemmy's room and knocked on the door. He opened it.
"What?" He asked.
"King Dad's bringing…" I stopped. My other siblings were gambling with Bowletta's money.
"King Dad's bringing what?" Roy asked.
"A girl…why are you using Bowletta's money?" I finished.
"Cause we're not gonna use our money." Roy said.
"Weird…" I muttered.
"We're weird? You're the one that has security cameras in the refrigerator!"
"Somebody will steal our food one day…Morton!" I said.
"Shut up!" Morton shouted, eating a hamburger.
"You do know King Dad made dinner…right?" Wendy O' said.
"Big boy's gotta eat!" Morton replied, and then burped.
"But Larry doesn't eat." Wendy O' said. I shoved her. Roy laughed.
"So who's the girl?" Boom Boom asked.
"I don't know." I said.
"Oh." Boom Boom said.
"You think she's pretty?" Iggy asked.
"I don't know." I said.
"You think she's ugly?" Pom-Pom asked.
"I don't know." I said.
"You think she's stupid?" Ludwig Von asked.
"I don't know." I said.
"Guys! She's here!" I heard King Dad yell. We ran downstairs.
What we saw was unexpected. A Koopa with orange colored hair. She was kinda pretty. Kinda. She didn't look too happy.
"Who are these?" she asked.
"These are my…uh…cousins!" King Dad replied. He didn't tell her he had 8 children and Bowletta's niece & nephew? What the freak?
"What are your names?" she asked.
"My name's Cupcake Sprinkles." I said. Everyone laughed. King Dad glared. The lady gasped.
"My name's Butt Ocks." B.J said. (Bowser Jr.)
"My name's Jack the Ripper." Morton said.
"My name's Cheese Nips." Pom-Pom said.
"My name's Butterfly Rainbows." Lemmy said.
"My name's Ken Foree." Ludwig Von said.
"My name's Tony Todd." Wendy O' said.
"My name's Pinkie Pie." Roy said.
"My name's The Exorcist." Boom Boom said.
"My name's Kiss My—" Iggy said.
"ENOUGH!" King Dad yelled.
"You all have…odd names." The woman said. "Especially Kiss My—"
"THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S NOT THEIR REAL NAMES!" Kind Dad screamed.
"Then what are their names?" The woman said.
"Tell her your real names or else I'll smack the Koopa outta you."
"I'm About To Leave." I said and ran.
"Same!" Everyone else said and followed me.
"Ugh!" King Dad yelled.
We went to Lemmy's room (He's got the biggest room, BTW).
"We gotta get rid of that woman." I said immediately as we sat down.
"Agreed." Everyone said.
"I got some things in my room." Morton said, and left. He returned with guns.
"Those are guns." Iggy said.
"Oh. I thought they were harmonicas." Morton said sarcastically.
"I mean, what are we gonna do with them?" Lemmy said.
"We're gonna donate them to the poor." Morton said. I snickered.
"Why would we—" Lemmy was cut off.
"We're not gonna donate them to the poor, you idiot! We're gonna shoot that worthless piece of crap!" Morton said.
"Why would we shoot Larry? Why don't we shoot King Dad's date?" Wendy O' said. I stuck my tongue out at her. Roy laughed.
"Let's go! Act sophisticated." Morton said. We all stared at each other. Then all 10 of us burst out laughing.
"Yeah right!" Boom Boom said as he wiped a tear from his eyes. "Us? Sophisticated?"
"That's like telling Lady Gaga to wear something normal!" Wendy O' said. We nodded.
"Let's go." Morton repeated. We walked casually to the kitchen.
"Act normal." Morton whispered.
"Got it." We whispered back. We sat down politely. It took us a while before King Dad was convinced we would do nothing crazy.
"Wonderful dinner, King Father. Please pass the butter, Wendy Opal." I said.
"Glad to, Lawrence." Wendy O' said. She gave me the butter.
"Thank you, Wendy Opal." I said.
"Will you pass me that lobster, Mister Lemuel?" B.J asked. We snickered.
"With pleasure, Mister Bowser Jr.…I mean B.J." Lemmy said.
"Did he just 'Bowser Jr.'?" The woman asked.
"No! He said 'Ow Sure June Your!'" King Dad said.
"Lame!" I coughed so King Dad or the woman wouldn't understand me. Roy snickered.
"What?" The woman asked.
"Nothing." We all said.
"Guys, I forgot to tell you my girlfriend's name. Her name is Darlene." King Dad said.
"Hi, Darlene." We all said.
"Tell Darlene your real names." King Dad said.
"Is that really necessary?" I asked. King Dad gave me his Yes it is. Do it or it's your funeral look.
"I'm Ludwig Von." Ludwig Von said.
"I'm Lemmy." Lemmy said.
"I'm Roy." Roy said.
"I'm Iggy." Iggy said.
"I'm Wendy O'." Wendy O' said.
"I'm Morton Jr." Morton said.
"I'm Larry." I said.
"I'm B.J." B.J said.
"I'm Boom Boom." Boom Boom said.
"I'm Pom-Pom." Pom-Pom said.
"Happy now?" I said.
"I am!" Morton said, munching on a lobster, shell and all.
"Uh…why are you eating the shell?" Darlene asked.
"Cause I like it. Got a problem with that?" Morton snapped.
"Calm down, Morton." King Dad said.
"I AM CALM!" Morton shouted. King Dad shook his head.
"Well, now that you're uh…King Bowser's girlfriend, you should know the rules in this castle." Iggy said.
"Yeah!" We all agreed. King Dad glared.
"Uh, okay?" Darlene said.
"First, we don't play." Roy said.
"What do you mean?" Darlene asked. What the heck do you think we mean?
"We mean you better leave us alone, or your funeral." Ludwig Von said, and we all held up our guns and aimed it at Darlene, who obviously wanted to say she'd be right back and jump out the window. Just like Clawdia, B.J's real mother. King Dad's eyes got wide, rolled them, and he put his head down on the table.
"Uh…okay? Where'd you…uh…get the guns? And why?" Darlene asked.
"Cause we don't want you to become our mother. Remember Clawdia?" I said. Everyone nodded except B.J. He shook his head. "And Bowletta?"
"I don't know either of those people." B.J said.
"We don't know Clawdia." Boom Boom said, pointing to him and Pom-Pom.
"Bowletta was our mother. Clawdia was B.J's. Bowletta said she was going to the store and we never saw her again." Iggy said.
"Actually Bowletta didn't like me, and so she left." I said.
"Uh…guys…" King Dad said, but we ignored him.
"How do you know that?" Wendy O' asked.
"She didn't like me cause I'm sneaky and you don't know where to find me. You answer your question." I said.
"YOU SPIED?" King Dad yelled. Again we ignored him.
"What's going on?" Darlene asked. "Was Bowletta your sister? And Clawdia?"
"THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Lemmy shrieked. We never heard him yell like that before. Darlene made a face.
"And what about Clawdia?" Pom-Pom asked.
"Clawdia's boyfriend brought her to our house. She had just given birth to B.J. We all liked him, and Larry was excited to be a big brother. But Clawdia tried to run away with B.J and raise him by herself. But we wouldn't let her. We all loved B.J and didn't wanna lose him. So we all followed her and eventually we caught her and took B.J away. She hurt most of us, and then Morton chased her out of the city with a chainsaw. We had followed him, but we were so far away from home that we got a ride from the nearest car, and ice cream truck. We told him the story, and we got free ice cream for a whole year and our dad never found out. UNTIL NOW!" Iggy said. King Dad glared.
"You hitchhiked?" He yelled.
"But it was 5 years ago." Lemmy said. "We were dumber then."
"Yeah." We agreed.
"Who is your father?" Darlene asked.
"I am." King Dad finally admitted. "Bowletta is my ex-wife and Clawdia is my ex-girlfriend."
"You have 10 children?" Darlene gasped.
"8. Boom Boom & Pom-Pom are Bowletta's sister's children." King Dad said. Just say they're your niece and nephew!
"Really? I LOVE CHILDREN!" Darlene said. We all rolled our eyes. King Dad smiled.
"Well, I have to go to a very important meeting tomorrow, and I need a babysitter for them." King Dad said. Translation: I'm forced to go to a boring meeting and I want you to get a chance to bond with the Koopalings and Boom Boom & Pom-Pom. Would you mind?
"You need a what?" Roy said.
"Ludwig Von is 20! He always babysits!" Iggy said.
"Shut up. Ignore what they said. Would you babysit them?" King Dad said.
"Well, I'd love to babysit them!" Darlene said. Oh no. This is not good. We all looked at each other.
"Uh oh." We all said at exact same time. Morton grabbed a lobster and started eating.
Time for another episode of And The Problems Start. Starring: The Koopalings. Special guest star: Darlene.