Silence
Discliamer - Characters = property of Stephenie Meyer
Summary - Set just between the end of New Moon and Eclipse. As Jake comes to the end of his never ending tether, Bella finally see's what she needs. Man crap summary... but I think this is very good for me lol so please read
Acknowledgements: Song 1) So Quiet You Were - Go:Audio . Song 2) Going Under - Evanescence . Song 3) Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor
Silence sits with me again tonight,
all alone yet with you by my side.
Your mind's not here it's with someone else,
I don't know who it is, but I can tell.
So quiet you were.
Say what you want
I don't care if it hurts me.
Say what you want
I can take it then you'll see
how I am and where we stand.
Say what you want
I don't care if it hurts me.
Say what you want
I don't care if it breaks me
In your eyes, I see inside.
Pretending not to hear what I just said,
doing your make-up undistracted.
Any excuse why you have to go,
I see right through that, just so you know.
So quiet you were.
Questions you ignite,
the flames are so damn bright.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Hide behind your face,
it gives so much away.
You don't make sense anymore.
Say what you want
I don't care if it hurts me.
Say what you want
I don't care if it breaks me.
She hadn't spoken for over an hour. She was just sat there, staring out of the windscreen, clutching her knees to her chest. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't say anything. Tears were streaming down her face, and there was nothing I could say to make it better. Nothing I wanted to say to make it better. She had chosen the bloodsucker, I wasn't about to give her my blessing. It was taking all my effort to not start shouting at her, or to not go and kill the disgusting leech. Her and the leech.
I was out of the car before I even registered my own actions, and was striding towards the beach, my hands shaking as I tried very hard not to think. She had the nerve to come and cry on my shoulder, after she blatantly, in front of me, ran off to bring him back. A low growl erupted from my mouth before I even noticed it had brewed and I fell onto my knees, scooping up the sand between my fingers. I was blinking back the images of her looking so desperate, so fearful, over him. Blinking back the ache in my heart as I saw her just apologise and walk out the door, leaving me behind, again. I hid my face in my hands, the sand grating at my skin, and I didn't care. I just wanted it to stop hurting. Even after all this I still loved her, and now, infuriatingly, I understood how she felt. It was awful, now I understood how she could be the dead person she had been. I just could not understand why, if she had him, had she not become as alive as she was before, as alive as she had been with me, and my friends. Instead she was more frightened, more paranoid and tenser than I had ever seen her. Yeah that was some relationship. I found myself chuckling, I could not be this bitter, not over Bella. Oh Bella, and as the thought entered my mind I felt her hands on my shoulders. I took them as she collapsed onto the sand next to me; she was still crying, still so silent. I hated it. I knew what she was thinking, she was thinking about him she always was. I could tell, it was in her eyes, glazed over like the world wasn't there. If only she could see me instead. I wanted her to tell me what she was thinking, I knew what it was, but maybe if I heard it, it would smack some sense into me. Get rid of this nagging hope I hated being in the pit of my stomach, causing me so much pain. I wanted her to hurt me, I wanted her to break me, so maybe I could start getting over this and just be her friend. But I couldn't! The more I wanted her to tear my heart out, the more I wanted her to have it completely, let the joy I feel at being by her side fill her like it should, like it used to. Make her happy, make her smile the way she never did when she was thinking of him.
"Tell me Bella." I whispered, as her head rested on my shoulder and the moon shone over the water, no clouds, for the first time in a long time.
Moments passed and she never spoke, never made a sound, she could have been a ghost. Maybe she was, maybe she was dead, maybe the leeches had finally killed her and I was probably hallucinating. I could have been picturing her presence because I couldn't handle the thought of her being gone. The minutes stretched on for hours, until her hands pulled away from mine.
"I have to go." Was all she said, her eyes blank, still, and I hated her.
No, I loved her, but I hated the way her eyes were seeing something that wasn't there. Seeing him, making her feel guilty for wanting to see me. I could have died, right there, with the pain in my heart I had to hold onto for her. To be her rock, to make her feel at home. I had to take the punches if I wanted her to stay.
"I don't care how much it hurts Bella; tell me what I've done. What he said. Why you're acting this way. Why you are so miserable. Why you're crying. Why you are breaking my heart!" The last part broke in my mouth and she was instantly on her feet.
But she didn't walk, or speak she just stood, shaking the way I should have been, if I had the energy to bother anymore. I wanted her to say it! To feel free enough to be herself, no matter how much it was going to kill me I needed her to tell me. To make it real to us both, that this would be the last time I ever saw her as my Bella.
"I have to go." She repeated, nodding as if this was to herself, not me, and I saw it, her eyes flashed with life, with regret as she met mine, and I saw my chance to dive.
I couldn't stop the fact I was crying, but maybe it would help, maybe it would weaken her resolve even more as I jumped to my feet and took her by the arms. Maybe the tears would open her locked mouth.
"Bella say it. Say what you want to." She shook her head and tried to pull away, but I wasn't giving up we both needed her to say it, to end it, "Say it! I don't care if it hurts, Bella, I don't care what it is. Say it! You don't have to pretend with me, you never have. Say what you want to Bella. Finish this before it kills me!"
Her eyes were suddenly ablaze with the life I knew she had within her and I could have... My heart could have. She could have. But with a startled yelp I fell away, clutching my ears. Her screams rang in my head like knives, as she roared at me. Her tears streaming, her body arched in straining, as she clutched at her heart and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. I did not know it was humanly possible to die, without dying. But now I knew. I knew I was dying under her screams, under her pain. I was dying. She was dying too. There was nothing to be done, as I clutched my ears my heart tore at my throat and I died there. Died under the pain of both our hearts breaking. Died under the truth of her howl. She was in just as much pain as I was, I understood that. What I didn't understand was why. If she didn't love me the way she professed not to, not enough, not in the right way, why was this hurting her as much as me? Had she finally seen it too? Had her heart finally made her see the truth of it? And was the truth too much for her too? Was the truth what killed her, that she knew she loved me, and it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to leave me in heartbreak, she had to break too. I died. I died again and again as she fell onto her knees and screamed into the sand. I would have screamed with her, let both our hearts bleed into the sea, but I could barely move. I was dead. I wasn't enough, so I wouldn't live. I could not exist without Bella. My world didn't exist without her. So I would die, so it wouldn't have to. I'd make it easier for us both, make it so she wouldn't have the pain of telling me it can't be. I'd just fade away, and she'll live forever, with her perfect bloodsucker. Not my first choice, but at least she would go on existing. She'd keep on screaming, proving her life with her screams. And somehow I felt a smile on my face, as I shook with the tears, I smiled at her screams. She would be happier without me. Her life would make sense.
I don't know how long we were there. But the clouds had returned by the time I looked up from my knees. Bella was just staring at me, her face blank, her cheeks red raw, sand stuck too them where her tears had been. There was nothing to say. There never was, we both knew it. She would walk away, I would die, and we would go on. Well, she would. There was nothing to say. If it had made any kind of rational sense, maybe there would have been a word or two. But nothing made sense, none of it. And we both knew, no matter how we worded it, it never would. She loved him, and she loved me, but her love for me was never going to be enough to mean she chose me. And Bella would blame herself always. In a sick kind of way I was glad of that. I was glad she would be eaten away by this, that I actually affected her perfect little bubble. In her eyes I saw the hurt and I had to stop the smirk. She could probably see the resolve and pitilessness in my own, but she never said anything. Never said a word as she got up and walked away. I just waited, waited for her to be out of sight, out of ear shot. Before crawling into the water, with a lighter heart than I was used to. Man, I really was bitter.
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you.
And you still won't hear me.
Don't want your hand this time
I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm...
So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under
I'm dying again
There he was, waiting for me, by his car. The picture of perfection he always happened to be. And I waited for it, for that leap in my chest that meant I was home. It never came, as he took me in his arms and smiled. I just rested there, on his cold chest, unmoved, numb. I waited for a heartbeat, a sign of life, anything made of the warmth I wished I had felt when I had been with Jacob. But it wouldn't come it was a futile attempt to comfort myself in the arms of the wrong person. I turned to look back towards First Beach and felt my heart tug in my chest towards it, towards Jacob. And I hated myself, I hated Edward, I hated the Cullen's. I didn't even notice I was on the muddy ground as Edward watched me in horror. I didn't care; I didn't give a shit that he was worried, or upset. I wanted to be elsewhere in someone else's arms. In the arms of the one person who made me feel like I was home. I wanted Edward to go away, stop making me feel guilty, making me feel small and ugly, insignificant and unworthy. I wanted to feel good enough, feel safe. I wanted to laugh! I hadn't laughed in weeks, not since Alice came home, and I stopped seeing Jacob. Did Edward understand what he had done? To me? To Jacob? Had he any idea? Did he know how much pain he had put us both through out of his 'selflessness'? Of course he didn't. He didn't know how many tears I had cried for him, that now I realise weren't worth the effort of what I was going to have to do to keep him. He wasn't worth this. He never would be. A million glances at Edward Cullen would never be worth one smile form Jacob Black. He would never be as alive as Jacob, would never make me feel as alive as Jacob did. Jacob would never hurt me, make me lie, put me in danger, or suffocate me from living. But what could I do? I was in too deep to change my mind. The emptiness would go on because I had been defeated. There was nothing left; I would be pulled under, and now there was nothing to stop me. My final moments with Jacob had been wasted, I shouldn't have cried. I shouldn't have screamed. I should have held him, apologised. Loved him for once. I felt Edward lifting me up and I felt the lie of it, in my stomach. And I felt my body go rigid, and he froze, his eyes worried on mine. In my heart I knew he wasn't lying with those eyes, he did truly care. It just wasn't enough anymore. I had to break away from this, this lie of a life I was buried in. But could I trust myself to be strong enough to break free, to escape this? I had to be! I had to be for Jacob.
"Put me down." I ordered, an authority in my voice I had never heard before, and instantly I was on my feet, his eyes locked to mine, but I wasn't locked to them.
I no longer felt compelled to remain in their gaze, to be absorbed by his presence. His presence was a weak imitation of life. He had no advantage over a heart that beats.
"I'm going home." I stated, but my voice was as empty as I had ever heard it as he smiled at me, that crooked smile that would normally make my knees weak.
"Yes Bella, back to Charlie's." He had nodded, but was shocked back by the sneer that I felt pull at my face.
He would never hear me, never understand me, he would always get it wrong. He would never be able to read me the way Jacob could, know my every thought without me having to speak it. I laughed at that, it had been such a vital part of the relationship before, now it was a nuisance, and curse. Shaking my head I patted him lightly on the chest, it was the only civil action I could manage, before turning from him, stepping over that invisible line into La Push. And his hand was on mine suddenly, horror in his form.
"Bella?" He gasped, and I almost scratched his hand away.
"I'm going home Edward." I said each word clearly, so there was no mistake in my meaning of where my home truly was, "My hearts made mistakes... and this was the last one I will let it make."
"Bella!" His face shifted, and I knew if Vampires could cry, he would be at this moment.
"I'm sorry Edward. I won't let you hurt me anymore."
His hand dropped, his face became his statue once more, as he finally understood.
"If I ever saw a girl in this kind of relationship, one where she was suffocated, in pain, unhappy, trapped. And believing that she deserved it. That her life was an insignificant spec at the side of the cause of her pain. What would you do? Would you tell her to stay, it will get better, that she still doesn't see herself clearly. I would do everything in my power to convince her to get out. To go be with that one person she has in her life who doesn't have her questioning her value." I said it so fast I was glad his ears would be able to make out the jumble of words, "So Edward, this is me. Getting out."
He stared for a moment, and then nodded, no words. I was glad of that. I was glad he was not going to fight for me, not now at any rate, as I turned and ran. I could hear him screaming, and I didn't care. I just ran so hard it hurt, falling didn't hinder me I just got up and carried on. I had to get back to Jacob. I had to get home.
I was on the beach in a matter of moments, scrambling over the rocks and the sand, trying to find him. I knew where I had left him, I had it in my sights, but he wasn't there. Falling where he had fallen I felt the sand in my hands. It was still warm, and it made me smile, he hadn't been gone long. I could probably still catch him if he hadn't phased. But then I felt it, felt the heat on the sand, trailing off in the wrong direction. Towards the sea. And I felt my heart screaming in protest, roaring in utter horror. It was nothing like I had ever felt. It wasn't a loss, or a gaping hole, it was a heart-clenching, throat burning roar. And before I had time to think I was in the water. Screaming for him, screaming so loud I'm sure the whole world should have heard me. But no one seemed to, as I waded out into the water, trying to see anything in the darkness of the night. Damn my human eyes, so weak, so useless. I threw myself forward swimming as hard as I could, looking down into the blackness of the water, paying attention to every touch on my skin, trying to feel Jacob in the water. But there was nothing, just the cold wetness as I sobbed into the sea, crying out for him, crying as I fought to stay above the water. Was he seriously this stupid? To leave Billy, leave me? He couldn't leave me not now! No not now, not ever again! He could NOT leave me! My heart lead me on, further out into the black, diving and surfacing as I sobbed even harder. He couldn't be gone, no, no, no, no! The panic in my veins kept me kicking, swimming as I slid over the surfaces of submerged cliffs, and over vast nothingness. Then I felt it, what I was hoping to find.
"Jacob."
You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose
Well I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of looking at it
This is what she said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen it's like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you I want someone to say it's okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand when I'm saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be
But I had to protect you from me
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care
I vaguely felt a hand on my shoulder, and smiled at her touch, I knew it was her, hands so small, so weak. I was fading; this had to be it, heaven pulling me to be with her forever. Then another hand, yes, this was it. Then a kick in the back, and a scratch at my biceps, okay so she was a rough chick in heaven, I could deal. Then a pull on my outstretched arm, too desperate to be good. Opening my eyes to the blackness I felt the water choking my throat and looking up I saw her legs, then her body bending down towards me. Her lips met with mine and filled me with whatever air she had gathered in her tiny lungs. What was she doing here? Why had she come back to ruin this? To stop me giving her the last gift I could. She pulled at my shoulders, trying to pull me up, kicking pointlessly against the current around us. No, not her too, she couldn't be trapped here with me. She couldn't die. She kept kicking, her face paling in the darkness, her eyes wide in terror, in worry, in desperation to pull me out. I didn't want to be saved, I wanted to fade away, before anyone would know to stop me. Then she smacked me, twice, across the face, it felt like nothing, but I knew she'd tried her hardest to hurt me. As the last bubbles of air left her mouth I knew I couldn't stay here, not now, not with her so deep with me. I had to save her, even if it meant just trying again later. Taking her arm I kicked, and shot towards the surface it made her attempts look utterly pathetic. The air ripping through my lungs hurt, like metal barbs were wrapped around them, stopping them from inhaling. I choked and I coughed as she gripped my shoulder, coughing onto my back. I felt the cliff behind us and I kicked back against it, pushing her up onto a ledge, out of the water. Her coughing so strained, was she still crying? Oh for god's sake.
"What the hell is the matter with you? Why the hell did you do that?" I yelled, very aware of how utterly ridiculous it sounded coming out of my mouth, "You could have killed yourself, seriously, are you completely stupid?"
"Me?!" She screeched the scratching at her throat evident in the immense volume.
She lunged at me, and we smashed back into the water, her fists connecting with any part of my torso she could find. It didn't hurt but it softened my resolve, I was still angry, but only at myself now as we surfaced and I pushed her away. She pulled herself back up out of the water, her hands jerking her hair from her face and she shivered into the cold. Her eyes were shooting in every direction; she was obviously filtering down the very long rant I had coming my way. But I didn't care what she said; all I wanted to know was why she had come back. Was there something she forgot to say with all the screaming? That meant she had to come back and tear my heart out all over again.
"What..." Her voice broke over the waves, her face shifting with the strain of keeping a level tone, "were you thinking?!"
Blinking, I stared at her, and I knew my face probably showed my utter dismay. Seriously, Bella could be so stupid. But as though she read my mind she smacked me across the top of my head and kicked me back into the ocean.
"Don't dare look at me like that. You tell me exactly what the hell was in your head to make you take yourself away from me!" Her voice was very high, as she kicked me in the chest again.
Take myself from her? Like I was her property. Who the hell was she kidding? She could not have a claim on me if she was going to carry on with the bloodsucker. I was trying to get this over with sooner rather than later so I wouldn't have to sit around and wait for the inevitable. For her to be killed, or worse, bitten. So I wouldn't have to watch her choose the wrong man. So she wouldn't have to feel guilty every time her eyes found mine. Her hand connected with my head again.
"You are such an idiot Jake." She said, her voice croaking as she hitched up her knees.
"Sure sure." She would think that, "I'm an idiot for coming to the conclusion that I would do better by us both if I just didn't exist. There would be no danger of you ever having to feel guilty when you looked at me. You could just go on forever with the bloodsucker. I know when my games up, Bella, and it was up the moment you went to Italy. You think I am going to hang around? You wouldn't have even known if you hadn't come back..."
"I was always going to come back." She sounded like she was explaining something to a five year old, and I scoffed, yeah lie to me to keep me alive.
"Don't lie to me Bella. You left, again. You weren't coming back. I'm not the unstoppable thing you make me out to be in your head Bella; I can't keep going with this. You think I wanted any of this? All of this weirdness to happen to either of us? All I wanted was for you to be in love with me and let me make you happy. But I'm not enough, you made that perfectly clear. I am not going to be the sad little kid who let Bella Swan ruin my life."
"Then why the hell were you trying to drown yourself you dweeb?" She shot back; her brain must have been working in overdrive, quick response time, first in a long time.
"I'd rather not exist, I'd rather step back and be gone, than live without you. And I didn't want you trying to stop me either. Besides you made it quite clear you didn't happen to care."
"Jacob you absolute..." She searched for the words but lost them in the waves as she turned to stare at me, and a smile spread across her face so wide I fell away, to be honest that was scary. She hadn't smiled in weeks.
"Creepy Bells, way creepy."
Then she was hugging me, tight around the waist and I was beyond scared now, what the hell was she doing? Trying to fuck me up some more before leaving me, again?
"Look Jake." She sat back against the cliff, holding my arm to her freezing stomach as she shivered in the cold; I had goose bumps, but not form the cold, "I'm not going to lecture about how you have been beyond stupid, leaving Billy, leaving the pack, leaving the world in general, over me."
"If you dare say because you aren't worth it I swear to Hades I'm going back in." I threatened; I did not need her self-devastating tendencies right now.
"I wasn't." She answered, looking to her knees as she pulled my arm closer, "I know you aren't the hero you wanted to be. But that's not your fault, Jake. I had to save myself. It wasn't fair on you, and it was wrong of me to make you wait this long. You have no idea how badly I feel about leaving you for, Edward." Did she just shiver at the thought of her bloodsucker? "I was in my own demented way trying to protect you. From me. To protect you from what I was planning to do, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop seeing you. I am too empty without you. And I only realised when he came back, and realised, my heart didn't come back. Because there was a new one there instead. Beating for a sun, a heart, a life. A life that he can't give me. It's took me so long to realise, I never needed him back. I can't stand the atmosphere around him anymore, subdued, calm, making me feel like everything I do is wrong. I mean that's life, I know I do stuff wrong, but not every little thing I do deserves the suffocating care he took of me. I mean I'm thankful of course but..."
"Bella does this have a point? Because if its all about him then I don't fancy listening so much as you fancy speaking."
"Sorry, yeah. I realised, I don't want Edward, Jacob."
My face was in her hands, as she pulled close to me, my heart in my throat. Okay I was dead, this was heaven. She was choosing me. This was not real. It couldn't be. Me? Over her reason for existence? I held my breath as she sighed over my lips and smiled again. My whole body shook, as her cool breath licked at my skin, and I had to close my eyes, to stop them popping out of their sockets.
"I want you, Jacob Black."
I was quite aware of how moronic I looked, staring at her face, mouth dangling slightly, my body a little limp as her hands seemed to be the only thing keeping me upright. She laughed into my face as I just kept staring. What had just happened? Seriously, I was dead wasn't I? This was heaven and I definitely had drowned. Because this could not be happening. Not real.
"Say something Jake." Her voice seemed a million miles away, but she was right in front of me, small and happy.
Beyond happy from the looks of things. Definitely not real, she was miserable as hell, which was how I was going to remember Bella, it was official! Dead. But just to check.
"Am I, dead?" I asked, cautiously, tasting the salt on my tongue, looking around trying to find proof either way as I did so.
"You nearly were." Bella chortled as I checked my arms and sniffed my feet, yeah those were mine, stank like hell.
"Am I in a coma of some kind, and you're a very nice, very realistic dream?" I asked, nodding at that explanation.
"No." She said, her eyebrows twisting together, "Jake, you're very awake, very alive, and I am certainly here. In the flesh and everything."
"And you are attempting to tell me that, you, Bella, have chosen me, Jacob, over the bane of your existence, Edward?" I counted off on my fingers as I said it.
"Yes." She nodded, and my heart fluttered and I couldn't help but smile as her face drew closer to mine
"No tricks?"
"Jake."
And we both giggled into each other's smiles.
"Now, wolf boy, kiss me before I hit you again."
I didn't need telling twice.