The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 1
This is how I envisioned the movie from a literal standpoint. By the way INT. – interior scenes; EXT. – exterior scenes; O.S. -out of shot; V.O. – voice over
FADE IN:
EXT. ISLAND IN A LAKE – NIGHT
RALPH FIENNES opens MICHAEL GAMBON'S grave and steals the Most Powerful Wand in the World.
RALPH FIENNES
It's mine! All mine! Hahahahah!
(pause)
Wait. We shot this scene already, for Part 1. What? Again? Okay, but I want double time for this scene.
He holds up the wand and makes night become day.
EXT. THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL – DAY
ALAN RICKMAN stands watch over MANY EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS as they march into the school like so many ranks of stormtroopers.
EXT. BEACH CLIFF – DAY
DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits by the grave of CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF. On his grave maker its says "Here Lies a Very Annoying CGI Character Who Only Got a Little Bit of Screen Time – Thank God"
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'm sorry you had to derazz CGI Annoying House Elf. I made you a grave even though you are now in that great CGI server in the sky and never really existed in the first place.
INT. HOUSE BY THE BEACH, KITCHEN – DAY
RUPERT GRINT, EMMA WATSON, BRENDAN GLEESON's SON, CLEMENCE POESY, and EVANNA LYNCH sit around a table talking while having a drink.
RUPERT GRINT
And then this bitch carves up Emma's arm! That wasn't in the book!
EMMA WATSON
It hurt like hell, too. But you guys saved me.
EVANNA LYNCH
Too bad CGI Annoying House Elf died.
CLEMENCE POESY
I never met 'im. Was 'e really annoying?
RUPERT GRINT
Not as much as your French accent.
BRENDAN GLEESON's SON smacks RUPERT.
BRENDAN GLEESON's SON
Hey! That's my wife you're talking to brother!
RUPERT GRINT
She's not your wife in real life and I'm not your brother!
CLEMENCE POESY
No bouillabaisse for you!
RUPERT GRINT
Good, it tastes like fish anyways.
EMMA WATSON
Be nice Rup or no late night shag for you, either.
BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON
(shocked)
You two? Really?
EMMA WATSON
(sighing)
Why does everyone find that so surprising?
EVANNA LYNCH
I think it's sweet. But the world will crucify you if they find out.
EMMA WATSON
(glum)
Especially the British press. They're just awful!
RUPERT GRINT
(shrugs)
I can live with it.
BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON
Can we get back to important stuff? Like why you all have been hiding for so long and suddenly show up here.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE (O.S.)
None of your damn business. Rupert, Emma, we have to go talk to WARWICK DAVIS and JOHN HURT.
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
WARWICK DAVIS is sitting in a chair struggling to put a set of false teeth in.
RUPERT GRINT
What gives with the teeth?
WARWICK DAVIS
Oh, I was just off playing the Tiny Charms Professor in the Big Battle and then they told me to hurry here for this scene and they barely had time to do my make-up.
EMMA WATSON
Running you ragged too, are they?
WARWICK DAVIS
Actually it was a scene we had to re-shoot. Your stunt double was in it the first time because you were off being a silly school girl in America while this billion dollar franchise accommodated your academic ambitions. It was obviously not you in the scene so they had to redo it without you since time did not permit.
EMMA WATSON
(angry)
Without me! Where's my agent?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Never mind all that. I just want to know what the shagging situation was like in America.
RUPERT GRINT
She didn't shag anyone in America! Did you?
EMMA WATSON
Rup…we weren't together then so…
RUPERT GRINT
Bloody hell!
EMMA WATSON
Oh, as if you never shagged anyone before me!
WARWICK DAVIS
I knew you two don't work together.
RUPERT and EMMA
Shut it!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Right. So, Warwick, we need some help. We need to get into Helena Bonham Carter's vault at your bank.
WARWICK DAVIS
(laughing)
Not bloody likely. Unless you pay.
RUPERT GRINT
Little git! I knew you couldn't trust him to help us when the whole world is at stake.
WARWICK DAVIS
You know how much I get paid? Not the millions of pounds you three got that's for sure! And I played two characters!
EMMA WATSON
What do you want?
WARWICK DAVIS
That sword you've got.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That is the Sword that One of the Founder's of the Big Castle that is Now a School made and it belongs to The Big Castle that is Now a School.
WARWICK DAVIS
How did you get it? Did you steal it?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It came to us in a moment of need.
WARWICK DAVIS
What?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Well, there was this CGI Silver Doe and I followed it to a lake and saw the sword under the ice and so I dove in but I almost drown. Then Rupert saved my life, used the sword to destroy…
EMMA WATSON
(warning tone)
Daniel! Don't mention that!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh right! We shouldn't mention that to you since He Was in the English Patient doesn't know what we are doing yet. Anyway, so Rupert…did something…and now the sword is ours.
WARWICK DAVIS
Lovely tale. But I still want it.
RUPERT GRINT
No way!
WARWICK DAVIS
Fine! See if you can get in the bank without me.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Okay, we'll give you the sword…
RUPERT GRINT
Are you mental?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
…after you get us in.
WARWICK DAVIS
(pause)
Deal.
EXT. HALLWAY - DAY
EMMA WATSON
(to Daniel)
You think one of the rest of the things that He Who Was in the English Patient hid the bits of his soul in is in that bank?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yeah. Helena Bonham Carter was worried about the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Big Castle that is Now a School. She thought it was in her vault and so when she saw we had it she thought someone was in her vault at the Bank the Small Actors in Makeup Run.
RUPERT GRINT
I bet one of the things we need to destroy is hidden in there!
EMMA WATSON
That's what I just said! And look! I've just found a hair of Helena Bonham Carter on my jacket so I can make Polyjuice potion and turn into her and fool everyone!
RUPERT GRINT
That was convenient!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
And brilliant! Now we just need to have a chat with John Hurt about some unnecessary stuff that anyone who hasn't read the books won't understand.
INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – SAME DAY, A FEW MINUTES LATER
DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT talk to JOHN HURT, who is sitting in a chair.
EMMA WATSON
Feeling better?
JOHN HURT
Bit. Nice shot of scotch would help.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Later. I've got some questions for you first. What do you know about the Three Things That Will Make You More Powerful than Anyone Else?
JOHN HURT
In the book I know nothing but I suddenly seem to have some information thanks to Steve Kloves. There are three things: The Most Powerful Wand in the World, the Stone That Makes You See Dead People, and the Cloak That Hides You.
RUPERT GRINT
Hey, Dan! You've got a Cloak That Hides You.
EMMA WATSON
Of course! Dan's Cloak That Hides You must be the one in the legend!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That makes sense. And He Who Was in the English Patient has the Most Powerful Wand in the World.
JOHN HURT
He Who Was…? Oh, I understand. Does he really have the wand?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Don't play innocent with us! I saw you tell him how to find the man who told him who had stolen it from him years ago and then he found him in a tower and he told him it was in his grave and now he has it!
JOHN HURT
Which 'he' has the wand now?
EMMA WATSON
He Who Was in the English Patient! Didn't you see Part 1?
JOHN HURT
Actually I never see any of my performances. Just take the money and run.
DANIEL shows JOHN two wands.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Who owns these?
JOHN HURT
(touching wands)
Helena Bonham Carter owns this one and Tom Felton owns the other. How did you get them?
RUPERT GRINT
Had a duel and took them off of them. Dan pulled Tom's wand…
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Did not!
RUPERT GRINT
…out of his hand. Jeeze, you're touchy about your boyfriend.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
He's not my boyfriend!
EMMA WATSON
The more you deny it the less we believe you.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Let's just get going! We've got to kill He Who Was in the English Patient!
EXT. BEACH CLIFF – DAY
RUPERT, DANIEL, AND WARWICK stand around. RUPERT now has a beard and mustache.
WARWICK DAVIS
That get up won't fool anyone, Grint. And neither will Watson looking like…ahhhh, its Helena Bonham Carter!
RUPERT and DANIEL turn around quick, wands outs, as WARWICK laughs.
EMMA/HELENA comes towards them.
EMMA/HELENA
How do I look?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sexy.
RUPERT punches his arm.
RUPERT GRINT
I told you to quit making a play for her. And I thought you had a thing for Felton?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Shut it. I really have a thing for older women.
EMMA/HELENA
(to Rupert)
And I told you I have a thing for you and I am all yours.
RUPERT GRINT
(grinning, strutting)
Yeah…
(to Daniel)
See? So bugger off!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Ah...first we have a movie to make.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh, right.
EXT. SIDE ALLEY WAY, DIAGON ALLEY – DAY
The four of them appear in the alley way.
EMMA/HELENA
Wait, hide, someone is coming!
EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER
Good morning Madam Bonham Carter.
EMMA/HELENA
(cheery)
Morning!
The EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER gives her an odd look and moves on.
WARWICK DAVIS
Morning! You're an evil psychopath, not some cheery school girl!
EMMA/HELENA
Oh, right. Sorry.
WARWICK DAVIS
Sorry? Oh, nevermind! Let's go to the bank.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Okay, Warwick get up on my back and we'll hide under the Cloak That Hides You.
WARWICK DAVIS
Hides me? Or hides you?
EMMA/HELENA
(impatient)
Both of you! Rup, do it!
WARWICK climbs on Daniel's back and RUPERT throws the cloak over them and they disappear.
DANIEL RADCILFFE (O.S.)
Quit digging your nails in me!
WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)
Stop squirming! Your nothing but skin and bones, nowhere to grab onto!
RUPERT GRINT
I bet he'd let you grab on somewhere.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE (O.S.)
Would not! He's a…a… midget!
WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)
Little person, moron! And for your information I'm married. To a woman! Let's get on with this scene, please!
INT. BANK RUN BY THE SMALL ACTORS IN MAKE UP – DAY
Many SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP are behind high counters, working on documents, counting money. EMMA/HELENA and RUPERT enter. They approach one of the SMALL ACTORS, JOHN KEY.
EMMA/HELENA
Hey you! I want to get into my vault!
WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)
(quiet)
That's more like her.
JOHN KEY
Why Madam Bonham Carter. Good-day. May I see your wand for identification?
EMMA/HELENA
Don't you know who I am! Don't you know who I am sleeping with!
WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)
Too much!
RUPERT GRINT
(aside)
You're sleeping with me!
EMMA/HELENA
(aside)
No. I mean He Who Was in the English Patient.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh! Ewwww! Old Snake Face and you? I mean her.
JOHN KEY looks suspicious and EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS start approaching.
RUPERT GRINT
(aside, whispering)
They know it's not her! Dan! Do something!
Under the Cloak That Hides You DANIEL raises his wand and hits JOHN KEY with a spell. JOHN KEY'S face goes slack.
JOHN KEY
Of course, you want to see your vault, right this way.
INT. UNDERGROUND ROLLER COASTER
DANIEL, RUPERT, EMMA/HELENA, WARWICK, and JOHN KEY are on a cart that rides a rail system like a roller coaster.
RUPERT GRINT
I bet this looks good in 3D.
EMMA/HELENA
It's so overrated.
They hear a ROAR from below.
RUPERT GRINT
What the bloody hell was that?
WARWICK DAVIS
My stomach. I hated that French one's cooking.
RUPERT GRINT
With you there, mate.
Then they see a waterfall and go through it. After the water hits them all the spells they have on them are erased. RUPERT and EMMA look like themselves again and JOHN KEY is no longer stupefied.
Then the cart stops and they get dipped out of it and start falling hundreds of feet.
RUPERT GRINT
We're going to die!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Don't be silly. Emma will think of something. Or at least JKR and Steve Kloves will think of something. Besides, we don't die, I read the end of the book.
RUPERT GRINT
SPOILERS!
EMMA WATSON
But why is it always me?
RUPERT GRINT
Because you've got the brains, I make the jokes, and Dan just stands there looking like a specky geek.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I actually don't wear glasses in real life.
WARWICK DAVIS
Thankfully this is a long fall so you three can argue. Now do something!
EMMA casts a spell and they are all saved inches from a stone floor. As they get up, EMMA'S cleavage is very prominent in her wet costume. DANIEL and WARWICK stare at her.
EMMA WATSON
What?
WARWICK and DANIEL
Nice.
RUPERT GRINT
(angry)
Someone's looking for a smack. Eyes front!
JOHN KEY is also staring and is not longer stupefied. Suddenly he realizes where they are.
JOHN KEY
Thieves!
He gets hit with the spell again and shuts up. Then they see a massive CGI ALBINO DRAGON chained to the floor. They pick up some things and shake them, making a loud rattle and the dragon cowers in fear and they get past it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I wish I had these clanking things in the fourth movie when I fought the dragon!
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah, I guess JKR hadn't thought of it then. I bet Robbie Coltrane would like this CGI Albino Dragon.
EMMA WATSON
Come on you two. Here's Helena Bonham Carter's vault.
RUPERT GRINT
Wonder if Tim Burton keeps his stuff in here, too.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Who?
EMMA WATSON
(eyes rolling)
Her husband. He's not in this movie. Focus guys, please! I've got to get this scene done today so I can go back to America for my spring exams.
JOHN KEY places his hand on the door and it opens.
INT. VAULT
Inside it is filled with many cups and plates and other beautiful stuff.
WARWICK DAVIS
So…what do you want?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Don't know.
WARWICK DAVIS
What do you mean you don't know? You dragged us down here for nothing! That's it. Where's my agent!
RUPERT GRINT
Patience, short stuff.
WARWICK DAVIS
Why you..!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wait! That's it, up there. I feel it.
EMMA WATSON
What do mean you feel it? That's not in the book.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No, but there was a whole lot of exposition in Book 6 that was cut from the movie so we have to make this silly way for me to recognize and find the things with bits of his soul in it.
Suddenly EMMA bumps into some cups and they begin to multiply. Soon lots of things multiply and they are swimming in cups and other things. Daniel gets the Cup With a Bit of He Who Was in the English Patient's Soul in It.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Got it!
WARWICK DAVIS
And I got the sword! Thanks, and go bugger yourselves! Come on John, let's lock them in!
RUPERT GRINT
Little blighter!
But the multiplying cups and things prevent the door from closing and the three heroes get out. Then MANY EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS start blasting them with spells, none of which hit them, conveniently, and they jump on the CGI Albino Dragon's back and fly up through the bank and into the sky and far away.
EXT. LAKE – DAY
The CGI Albino Dragon flies over a lake.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Time to jump!
EMMA WATSON
It looks freezing!
RUPERT GRINT
Come on!
They jump and then as they hit the water in his head DANIEL sees what RALPH FIENNES is up to.
INT. BANK THE SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP RUN – DAY
RALPH is blasting MANY EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS and SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP and killing them. He finds WARWICK DAVIS with the sword and confronts him in scene that should have been in the movie.
RALPH FIENNES
Warwick! Tell me what were they doing here?
WARWICK DAVIS
Nothing ! Just doing some banking!
RALPH FIENNES
Don't lie to me, Warwick! Ralph Fiennes always knows when you are lying! What did they take?
WARWICK DAVIS
A small cup from Helena Bonham Carter's vault.
RALPH FIENNES
NAYYYYYYYYYAAAHHHHH!
Then he kills WARWICK and the sword Warwick has disappears. After David Yates says 'cut' WARWICK gets up, goes off to the make up trailer and gets ready for his second role.
EXT. LAKESIDE - DAY
DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA climb out of the water soaking wet and freezing.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
He knows! He Who Was in the English Patient knows we are hunting for the things with bits of his soul in them.
EMMA WATSON
How does he know?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Warwick told him!
RUPERT GRINT
Evil little git! We should have killed him!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Not to worry, he's dead now. At least until the battle scene where he plays another character. Oh, and another thing, I think a thing with a bit of his soul is up at the Big Castle That is Now a School. It has something to do with the Founder of the Big Castle That's Now a School Who was Smarter Than the Rest.
RUPERT GRINT
Who?
EMMA WATSON
That's the house I should have been in except JKR made me smart and brave and I guess I could have been in either house but then maybe I would never have been friends with you two and the whole story would have been quite different.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh. Now I understand. I think.
EMMA WATSON
Nevermind. How are we going to get in there? We have to make a plan.
RUPERT GRINT
Plan later. Now I'm freezing. Get some dry clothes out of that bag that has no bottom will you.
DANIEL and RUPERT start to get out of their wet clothes, both looking very pasty white. DANIEL stares at RUPERT.
RUPERT GRINT
What?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Er…nothing. Just…you're so pale and sleek and fine and…
EMMA WATSON
Lay off! He's mine!
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah, half pint. Don't you ever give up?
(to Emma)
Am I really that pale?
EMMA WATSON
You're a ginger, what do you expect?
DANIEL and RUPERT change and then stare at EMMA.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Your turn.
RUPERT GRINT
(to Daniel)
Which team do you play for anyway? Staring at me, staring at her, after Felton, what gives?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Well, if you must know, the truth is I play for both teams. I think I said that in Part 1 anyways. So, Emma, aren't you a bit cold?
EMMA WATSON
I think I will just wrap this blanket around me.
EXT. FOGGY VILLAGE STREET – NIGHT
The trio appears in the midst of a foggy street in The Village Near the Big Castle That is Now a School. Suddenly there is a WAILING noise and many EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS come out looking for them.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I forgot about that alarm part in the book.
EMMA WATSON
What do we do?
CIARAN HINDS (O.S.)
Get in here! Quick!
They run into a building then into a room.
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
RUPERT GRINT
Hey, you look like Michael Gambon.
EMMA WATSON
You're Michael Gambon's brother!
CIARAN HINDS
Aye. At least for the next few minutes.
He gets some drinks and food for them. EMMA and RUPERT eat but DANIEL just sits there.
Then he notices a broken mirror on the wall and takes out his shard of glass from Part 1.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It's you we've seen in my shard of glass. How did you get this mirror?
CIARAN HINDS
Andy Linden gave it to me after he took it from Gary Oldman's house. That was explained in Book 5 but Kloves didn't know it was important for book and movie 7 and JKR forgot to tell them.
EMMA WATSON
Kloves didn't write the screenplay for film 5.
CIARAN HINDS
Oh, right. Anyway, I heard you asking for help and I sent CGI Annoying House Elf to help you. Where is he?
RUPERT GRINT
Derazzed. Helena Bonham Carter erased his program.
CIARAN HINDS
Too bad. I liked him, when he wasn't being annoying.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Look, we need to get into the Big Castle That is Now a School.
CIARAN HINDS
Not bloody likely. There's Spooky Scary Things and Death Eaters guarding it.
EMMA WATSON
It's important we get in.
CIARAN HINDS
Best you lot get going somewhere else, some foreign land like America, and hide the rest of your lives so He Who Was in Schindler's List doesn't find you.
RUPERT GRINT
We've been using the English Patient. But we're too famous in America, everyone knows us.
CIARAN HINDS
Japan?
EMMA WATSON
Even worse. Quite creepy actually.
CIARAN HINDS
Any place you three aren't famous?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Maybe some New Guinea highland tribe. But look, that doesn't matter since we are not hiding. Michael Gambon gave us a job to finish.
CIARAN HINDS
Nice job? Told you where to start and how to do it and all of the things you needed to know about it and how to get it done and all that?
EMMA WATSON
Not exactly. I mean, a lot of it was in Book 6, but they cut it.
CIARAN HINDS
Aye. That was Kloves, wasn't it?
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We are trying to find and destroy the Things With Bits of He Who Was in the English Patient's Soul in Them.
CIARAN HINDS
Oh, you mean Horcruxes.
EMMA WATSON
What?
CIARAN HINDS
I read about them in book 6. And Jim Broadbent was in my pub and had too much and went on about how sorry he was for babbling to He Who Was in Schin…the English Patient about Horcruxes.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
There's one more in the Big Castle That is Now a School. We need to get in.
CIARAN HINDS
It's your death you're going to.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
At least we are still fighting and not giving up.
CIARAN HINDS
Giving up? I'm not giving up, just staying safe. And do you trust Michael Gambon? Don't. Secrets and lies is all my brother was ever good at and I bet you don't know half the story and will only find out the rest when it's too late. But if you want to get into the Big Castle that is Now a School I'll help you.
He looks at the Big Portrait With a Blond Girl and she smiles and turns around and walks away.
EMMA WATSON
Isn't that your sister?
CIARAN HINDS
What? No, my sister is at least 50. She's just some extra they picked for the part and did some CGI to her.
RUPERT GRINT
Wait. She's coming back, someone is with her.
The portrait swings open and MATTHEW LEWIS is standing there.
MATTHEW LEWIS
About time your three showed up. Now its time for the Big Battle at the Big Castle That is Now a School in Which A Lot of People Die but We Don't Get Overly Sentimental About them Dieing and I Turn Out to be a Big Hero and Fall For Evanna Lynch Even Though I Never Do That In the Books!
RUPERT GRINT
Bloody hell! We've got to find a way to make saying these things easier!
PART 2 of Part 2 coming soon.