Disclaimer: I do not own The OC or its characters.
I thought the show should have dealt more with Sandy's involvement in Kirsten's downward spiral. This is my first fanfic (just so you've been warned).
He entered the house, his resolve firmly in place; it was time for a change. In his hands was a bright bouquet of flowers he hoped would put a smile on Kirsten's face. A real one, not these half-baked smiles that never quite reached her eyes. When was the last time he saw a genuine, heart-felt smile on her face? He couldn't recall. Guilt and sadness coursed through him with that thought. He shrugged those feelings off as he turned toward the only sound coming from the house.
His words echoed off the walls of a still house when he approached his wife lying prostrate on the coach. She didn't stir at all. His heart jumped in his throat as he approached her, calling her name softly. As he knelt down to try and physically wake her, he spied an empty cocktail glass. His suspicions confirmed when he took a whiff from it. Helpless, he examined her face. What was he going to do with her? She looked stressed even in sleep. Beneath her eyes were faint bruises indicating a lack of real sleep, her porcelain skin seemed tighter than usual, and her mouth frozen in a grim frown. How did it get this bad?
"Let's get you to bed. One, two, three..." He lifted her completely limp body in his arms and started toward their bedroom. He couldn't help but notice how slight she had become. She had lost a lot of weight in the last few months. Guilt again assaulted him. Holding her close in his arms, for the first time in it seemed months, he just wanted to keep her there. Make everything better magically somehow. He hugged her to him and kissed her forehead. One thought kept running over and over again in his mind, what have I done?
As he deposited her on their bed, she finally woke, albeit for a brief moment. She tugged at his neck and said, Sandy, in a broken whisper. Who knew one word could hold so much longing and desperation? Sandy closed his eyes against the pain and whispered, oh baby. Kissing her again, he straightened, and after changing, crawled into bed with her. He spooned his body around hers and listened to her soft snores, as he got lost in thought.
How could he have been so oblivious? The more he thought about it, the more panicked he became. The empty wine bottles in the trash, the faint smell of alcohol on her breath, the vacant empty stares, and the forced cheeriness she tried to project whenever someone else entered the room. This has been going on for much longer than he thought. Guilt again plagued him as he berated himself for not realizing sooner, for not trying harder. For just sitting back, hoping that time would heal this. His optimism led him to miss how broken she had become. This whole year had been one hard knock after another. And the more he thought about it, the more self-loathing he felt. How could he have just let things be for so long?
The summer without the boys. Kirsten had lashed out at him with blame, but in his heart he knew that it was just a cover for the responsibility that she felt. It was in her nature to take the blame and shoulder the burden of guilt. Sandy was the only one who had ever gotten close enough to her to understand that about her. He failed to recognize it for what it was, and instead let the resentment and separateness between them grow.
When the boys returned, things slowly returned to some semblance of normalcy. Tensions eased, resentments waned. But life came between them again, before they could repair what was lost over the summer. The secrets of her father he was forced to keep in the name of his profession. He dreaded her knowing the truth because he knew how devastating it would be for her to know. The one good thing she believed about her father, his love for her mother, was not entirely true. What he could not have predicted and still did not realize was how deeply this revelation would rock her belief in her own relationship. As time went by after Chrimukkah, she tried her best to deal with it, to move on. But having your trust betrayed like that, finding out a fundamental truth in your life is false, creates lingering and nagging doubts about your own life and what you believe in.
Sandy thought back to their 20th anniversary. If the events of the past year had not happened, his forgetting would not have been quite as hurtful. They may have even been able to even laugh about it. She awoke that morning excited and hopeful. Determined reclaim the happiness that she and Sandy shared. When she realized what Sandy was doing, trying his best to cover up for the fact that he had forgotten, the disappointment felt like a punch to the gut. Guilt started in again as Sandy recalled the rest of that week, scrambling to try and make it up to her. He did his best to redeem himself, but he knew the damage was done. She eventually came around, trying to believe that his forgetfulness was a simple mistake and not a more deep-rooted problem. But in her mind, the doubts grew.
And then, Rebecca. The guilt tied a knot in his stomach Sandy as he recalled those weeks when Rebecca had returned to his life. For a while there, he had managed to keep what he was doing for Rebecca and his relationship with Kirsten separate in his mind. He convinced himself that his actions toward Rebecca were founded in the desire to help a friend rather than the lingering obligation of first love. The more time he and Rebecca spent together, the grayer his feelings became. It became harder and harder to separate the friendship he felt for Rebecca from the love they shared all those years ago. In denial about his confusion, he kept telling himself that he was just trying to help a friend. He didn't want to admit that his feelings were becoming muddled. Deep down he must have known this because he kept it from her as long as he could. He didn't tell Kirsten about Rebecca because he knew that once she found out, she would see right through his self-delusions. She knew what was happening. Sandy got lost in his good intentions and didn't realize that he was damaging the most precious thing in his life. His marriage. He took it for granted. He took Kirsten for granted. His chest tightened like a vise when he realized that, for all intents and purposes, he was to blame for what might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. Things between him and Kirsten never really recovered.
Weeks went by, Sandy kept hoping with time things would get better. But Kirsten seemed to be getting more and more distant. Not so much in what she would say, but in her manner. She never seemed fully engaged. He couldn't seem to draw her out of her shell. He didn't know what to do; she had never been this way with him. He had seen her draw her walls up with almost everyone else, but with him, she had never been anything other than almost childlike in her openness. As Sandy lay there, feeling her breathe in his arms, he was finally beginning to understand the depth of hurt he must of caused her when he pulled away from her. The one person in her life, whom she trusted implicitly, could be herself with, turned away from her. How that must have felt.
Sandy pressed a kiss in her hair and vowed that he would never, ever turn away from her again. He wanted to be that person she would turn to. The person whom she trusted above all others. It was his place, his calling in life. He forgot that for a moment, but he was going to do whatever it took to prove to her that he believed and wanted that with every fiber in his being. As Sandy drifted off to sleep, uneasiness settled in. He had no idea how he was going to prove to her his devotion, and he was afraid of what it may take to do just that.