Disclaimer; I do not own Kingdom Hearts, nor do I own Disney.
Author's Note; Cracked out conversation with Kelley + watching Food Network = This.
i. Secret Baking Skills?
"Is Axel... baking?" The young woman asked her auburn haired friend as they strode past the kitchen on a particularly cold winter day. The two newest organization members were just getting used to their house mates when someone did something to surprise them. Last night, Xigbar hit on them after sipping on a little too much of the spiked egg nog. Since he was their superior, they both neglected to say anything to the others. But they found Xigbar's pedophilistic ways creepy nonetheless and decided to further avoid him.
The brunette's new name was Bramex, and although she loathed the name that made her sound like some kind of cleaning detergent, she was more than excited to replace the bitchy blonde that had once roamed Castle Oblivion's halls trying to seduce Axel, Zexion, and Marluxia. She was the new number twelve. Her friend, the auburn haired woman, was a new member as well. She was number Fourteen and her name was Kyexell. She was a smart girl, and gorgeous to boot. With a temper comparable to Roxas' she was not only an asset the Organization, but a threat as well. But that is not the story here, the story here was that Axel was baking.
"Are those brownies?" Kyexell questioned as the red-headed man started vigorously beating dark brown batter with a wooden spoon. Shortly, he pulled out a bag of dried green something and dumped it into the batter with a sadistic grinned plastered across his beautiful face.
"Is that pot?" Bramex questioned, incredulously. "I always knew Axel was on some kind of drug."
"Huh, I always thought it was Ecstacy, or Speed, with the way his sex drive is and all," Kyexell replied.
Surely enough, Axel dumped the batter into a glass baking dish and stuffed it into a preheated oven. After twenty minutes he pulled them out, let them cool, and dumped the brownies onto a teal platter. He took a bite of one and then covered the rest in plastic wrap. He headed out of the kitchen with the platter under one arm as he called back to the girls, "Commit it to memory."
The girls rolled their eyes and headed on their merry way to Roxas' room. (Little did they know what the night would have in store for them after Xemnas and Saix left to wreak havoc on Agrabah.) Only Kyexell made it as far as Roxas' room, Bramex got distracted by Luxord who sinisterly asked, "Would you like to play a round of poker, luv?"
Playing a round of poker with Luxord was like betting that Stephen King was going to write a heart-felt romance novel. You were setting yourself up to fail. Bramex knew this, but she didn't mind. She liked his velvety British accent, and his face was nice too.
Kye, on the other hand, was having a Mortal Kombat tournament with Roxas on his Xbox 360. Several hours of trying to touch Roxas as well as trying to kick his ass later, and that was when things began to get... strange.
It started with a soft chuckling, Axel's, and then turned into horrible singing and bad strumming on a musical instrument. When Roxas and Kye poked their heads out of his room, they found Demyx singing James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful' while simultaneously strumming absentmindedly on his sitar. If that wasn't weird enough, there were brownie crumbs around him.
"Hey, who made brownies?" Roxas asked.
The ruckus had turned into a boner killer for Luxord and Bramex who were both shirtless (Bramex had won one round of strip poker, but had lost all the others, making her lose her pants, socks, shoes, and was about to lose her underwear if she lost again) and very close to kissing. They looked at each other and then pulled on their clothes (well, Bram did for the most part; Luxord remained shirtless).
Bram followed Luxord out into the hall where Xaldin was banging his head against the wall while laughing. She stared at him, confused. Maybe it wasn't just Pot after all - either that, or Xaldin's insanity mixed with the pot to create ... this. "What the hell... ooh, brownies!" Luxord exclaimed, walking toward the conveniently placed platter. Bramex went to stop him, but it was too late. He was already scarfing down the drug-infused chocolatey goodness.
.... Axel was a tricky bastard.
ii. The Singing Distraction
Meanwhile, at the other end of Castle Oblivion. XIII and XIV were trying to calm down Demy as he kept playing 'You're Beautiful' on some kind of mental repeat. Just as they thought it was hopeless, he changed his tune.
Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I've ever met, but you can bet before we're through, Mister I'll make a man out of you!!!!!
Kye raised a brow, and stared at the blonde before her, "Dem. DEMYXXX. SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!" She slapped him, hoping that it would have a sobering effect. Her hopes were smothered, however, as the off-tempo singing continued. Roxas stood up straight from his leaned-over position and shrugged, "Looks like his eyes are irritated too. Maybe he got into the bleach again."
"They're red?" She asked.
He nodded, "Very."
"Oh, oh my. Don't eat the brownies."
Demyx still sat strumming on his sitar out of key.
"Someone made brownies."
"Axel did."
"They're special brownies, aren't they?"
"Yup, looks like Demyx somehow got into them, too."
"Wonder who else did."
"How do you know someone else did?"
"Well, Dem's not that bright. Chances are Vexen or Luxord, or maybe Xaldin snuck into Axel's room to steal them while he was masturbating or sleeping or some crap like that." Roxas nodded.
And you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of ROXASSSS!
"I'm going to go see about Axel," Roxas began again.
"Well, I'm not staying here with this fruit loop!" Kye exclaimed and ran after the blonde boy she had grown so fond of. While on their way to Axel's room, they ran into Xaldin and Luxord (who had somehow convinced Xaldin to play strip poker with him). Xaldin was losing terribly and as Kye approached, she was scarred for life. Xaldin was covered in body hair and it was not a pretty sight. Roxas covered Kye's eyes as they walked past to prevent further scarring and once they were past they continued on to Axel's room. He was no where to be found, but there was a recently used bong sitting on the floor beside the bed. He was close.
"Wonder where Bram is," Kye wondered thoughtfully.
"When did you last see her?"
"This morning, she was with Luxord but it looks like after he ate some of the special brownies she took the hint and left."
"Well, at least she's smart enough to not be around Luxord while he's stoned," Roxas nodded, "Maybe she's with Zexion, or Xigbar."
"Zexy's more likely than Xigbar."
"Alright, we can check there first, and if not she's on her own."
"Ok," Kye said softly.
---
"Ooh Brammy," Axel cooed as she sat on her bed playing Sega Genesis. She figured it was safer there alone than it was with any of the other Org members. She figured wrong. He sat next to her, and her senses were attacked with the distinctive smell of pot. She looked over at him.
"Yes torch boy?"
"You know you want one of my brownies," He said, pulling one out of thin air.
She looked at it skeptically, "You want to take all kinds of advantage of me, don't you?"
He nodded, smirking, "You're sexy. Not as sexy as Roxas, but you're of age. Xemnas would seriously strike me down if I tainted Roxas."
"What am I? Some kind of filler for blonde boy?"
Axel nodded excitedly.
"That's twisted," Bram replied languidly. "Normally, I would go for this kind of thing."
"But, you like Luxord and Demyx, and blah blah blah." Axel mocked, growing impatient. "Look, we can't love anyway. Sex is the next best thing."
"I dunno Axel," Bramex was obviously not sold on Axel's idea.
"Just eat the damn brownie," Axel replied, handing one to her. She looked at it suspiciously, and silently cursed the redhead for being so persistent. Bram took a bite.
iii. Sadistic Laughter
"What do you mean, you haven't seen Bram in a while?" Kye fretted.
"Sorry, Kye, she hasn't been around for a few hours. Last I saw her, she was playing strip poker with Luxord," Zexion replied, "and that was disturbing enough. I figured that they'd be having sex by now."
Kye sighed, "Let's go check Xigbar's room."
"Xigbar went to Port Royal to check out the hookers," Zexion said innocently, "He offered to take me with him."
"Damn, where else could she be?"
"Why do you need to find her so badly?" Zexy asked, curiously.
"Axel's got special brownies, and half of the guys are high already. We just want to make sure she's okay." Roxas explained.
"Well, I could help but . . ."
This was about the time that the blonde and his auburn-haired companion heard an outburst of insanity. Or, a horrible screech of laughter. Laughter that could compare to Nolan's Joker's in insanity ranking. Kye and Roxas looked at each other, and both mouthed the same word: Vexen.
They headed off to his lab to see if he, too, had gotten into Axel's notorious brownies. At least, now they knew, they didn't have to deal with Xigbar that night.
—
Axel took a long drag off of his hand-rolled cigarette. He was, by this time, satisfied and very naked. His short companion was lying next to him, still out of breath and wanting to do it again.
"That didn't have pot in it, did it?" She asked, huskily.
"Nope," He shook his head, "I made two batches of brownies. You got one from the second, special special batch."
"Ecstacy?" She asked.
He nodded in the affirmative, "Of course. Could I have gotten you to have sex with me any other way?"
"Maybe, with a lobotomy."
There was a long pause.
"So the others got marijuana?" She asked, to double check.
Axel again nodded in the affirmative, "I knew Xaldin would go for it, as well as poor little Demyx. Vexen and Luxord were a surprise. My poor special brownies; I was supposed to keep most of those for myself. It's lucky Xigbar left to torment Jack Sparrow, otherwise my cover would have been blown."
"I knew he did pot," Bram replied anxiously, "Are we going to have sex again, or can I go back to my room. I was very involved in Sonic, you know?"
Axel grinned devilishly.
---
"Roxas, I'm scared," Kye said, grasping on to the young man's arm tightly.
Roxas rolled his eyes in response, "Vexen's not that scary."
"Want to play a game?!" Vexen asserted, a scalpel in one rubber-gloved hand.
"Or, he is," Roxas replied as he turned around, ready to high tail it out of there with Kye in tow.
"You're both pansies," Zexion said, leaning against the wall as Vexen inched closer. Kyexell felt a fit of fear fall over her as she thought of all the possible experiments Vexen could perform on her and her to-be lover.
Among the possibilities in Kyexell's mind were: taking out their kidneys, opening their chest and examining their hearts, sewing them together like the Creeper did in Jeepers Creepers, or, Kye's personal favorite, amputating her head and putting it on Roxas' body and vice versa. When Kye later admitted these thoughts to Bramex, she was unsure as to whether or not Kye really was drug-free on that fateful afternoon.
"He won't hurt you... much," Zexion mocked snapping his fingers and disappearing through a portal. Most likely back to his library of a bedroom. Kyexell would seriously have to remember to get her revenge for that.
"C'mon let's go before he does experiment on us." Roxas said, pulling Kye by the wrist up the stairs as fast as their legs would carry them. After successfully escaping Vexen's laboratory, the two barricaded the door with hopes that, in his drugged-state, he would forget how to use a portal.
"I," Roxas huffed, "Am seriously going to kill Axel."
"Maybe he returned to his room by now."
iv. 'Happy Endings'
Bram looked over at her 'secret love machine' (Axel's words, not her own) and rolled her eyes.
"You're not screwing me just because Superior wouldn't like you tainting Roxas," She confronted, "You're screwing me because Roxas doesn't like you, at least not like this. He likes Kyexell, I know that much."
Axel nodded silently, "Way to kill the moment, Bramex."
She shrugged, getting out of bed, "It's easy to see that you love him. Despite what Xemnas says about us not having hearts. We have hearts, Axel, I feel mine beating and I felt yours. You should just tell him how you feel."
"He rejected me," Axel replied as he stared at Bram, who was pulling a pair of jeans up over her hips. They were the wrong jeans, but Axel didn't mind. Next, she pulled her black t-shirt over her head. "He said he's not gay, and doesn't plan on trying it out anytime soon."
"Neither are you," She told him pointedly, as she turned to leave the room."
Axel shrugged, "Where are you going?"
"Their high is going to run out soon," Bram replied, "I'm going to make a big meal before they're killing each other because the munchies are so bad."
"How thoughtful and kind-hearted of you," Axel mocked, angry with her for telling him what he already knew.
—
"BRAM! OH THANK ALICE!" Kye exclaimed running up to her friend and tackling her in a hug.
Bramex pat her friend's back, "Uh, that's nice Kye."
"Where are you going? And why do you smell like fireplace?"
"Uh, Axel just tried to fry me, actually. I was going to the kitchen so that when everyone comes down from their buzz they'll have something to quench their urge to eat."
"That's thoughtful of you," Roxas remarked, suspicious of Bram's explanation of why she smelled like 'fireplace'. Roxas knew better; Bram smelled like Axel.
"I thought so," Bramex shrugged and turned around pointedly to go to the kitchen. Kyexell followed to help make a huge feast for the rest of their stoned friends.
—
"You and Bram humped, didn't you?" Roxas asked, fiery blue eyes staring at his red-headed best friend. "Don't try to lie to me Axel, you gave her X and then you humped her."
"I did no such thing!" Axel rejected, "I did get the rest of the Organization high, however. My how fun it's been, though it is pity you didn't eat any. I might've had you in my bed by now."
Roxas gagged back the puke that was trying to work it's way onto the carpet, "I already told you that I don't love you, and I have no intention of having sex with you. I like Kye."
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
Axel rolled his eyes after a short pause, "Whatever, Rox. You'll come back to me, eventually."
Roxas sighed at Axel's diluted fantasies, "You probably shouldn't go around bragging that you and Bram had sex, either. Luxord and Xigbar will kick your ass."
Axel murmured something incomprehensible, as Roxas turned on his heel and left the room. He would just have to try a little harder to get Roxas to love him.
V. The Buffet From Hell
"Oh, this is delicious, orgasmically delicious, thank you girls," Vexen complimented in a slow, still-half ludicrous drawl. Neither Kye nor Roxas could figure out just how he escaped his barricaded room.
"You're welcome, Vex," Bram replied pleasantly.
Kye, on the other hand, stayed as far away from the blonde scientist as possible. She had almost become a cadaver by his hands, after all. Vex smiled apologetically at the young woman before taking a seat next to Lexaeus.
Xigbar came up next to Bram and eyed her suspiciously, "Have fun without me young miss?"
"'Young Miss'?" She questioned, "How was Port Royal?"
He shrugged, "It was alright. I would have rather been here with you." Xiggy then waggled his eyebrows at the young brunette before taking a rather large helping of the ever-popular macaroni-n-cheese with kielbasa.
She sighed and put another pan out.
"Rather sorry, Luv," Luxord said, coming up to her, "'Bout earlier. Axel's blasted brownies just..."
"Shh," She replied, "It's fine."
"Shall we continue what we were doing later?" He asked raising his eyebrows at her suggestively.
Kyexell looked between them suspiciously.
Bramex winked at him with a small laugh and, with a smile, Luxord took a seat next to Xigbar.
"Ooh! You made my favorite," Demyx bounced, next in line as he proceeded down the long, buffet that Kye, Rox, and Bram had prepared in little less than two hours.
His favorite referring to the blue Jell-O that was wiggling on his plate. He smiled brightly up at Bram, "Thank you!"
Bram laughed, "You're welcome, love."
Kye butt in, "Hey! I helped too, so did Roxas."
"We all know that Roxas can't cook!" Axel called from the end of the table.
"We all know you're bad in bed," Roxas retorted.
Axel picked up a handful of buffalo wings and threw them at Roxas. The sauce ended up tainting his bright blond hair and splattering across his forehead. Before Kye, Bram, or any of the superior members could stop the hot-headed blonde, there were cheesy potatoes flying across the room at Axel's face. Demyx snuck out of the room, taking his plate piled high with Blue Raspberry Jell-O with him. He was probably going to play his sitar or Rock Band.
A rogue meatball bounced off Bram's chest and hit Kye in the face. It was only after that when a full blown food fight ensued. After almost half an hour of flying chicken wings and gliding pink Jell-O, Xemnas walked right in to the kitchen to be smacked in the face with a spoon full of whipped cream.
"STOP THAT," Xemnas bellowed.
The whole room stopped and looked over at him, "Axel, Kye, Bram, Xigbar, clean up this mess. The rest of you, to your rooms!"
"B-But," Bram began.
Kye kicked her.
"Now!"
The majority of the room shuffled out into the hall and to their respective rooms, the four named stayed behind grumbling. Bram even went to say something like, "Who does he think he is, my father?"
To which Xigbar replied, "No, I am your daddy."
To which Kye replied, "You're scary."
After almost five hours of cleaning (scrubbing, moping and stealing Demyx so he could spray the whole freakin' room down with his water abilities) the quartet of angry Nobodies were finished cleaning the vast kitchen. Finally, they left the kitchen to go to their own respective bedrooms.
"Well, hello Luv," Luxord said, from where he was laying on the bed.
"You're not supposed to be in here!" Bramex pointed accusingly and fell onto her turquoise comforter tiredly. Meanwhile, Kyexell was plotting her revenge on Axel (and Roxas). In the morning, she would have to enlist Bram and Xigbar's help in getting revenge on the Flurry of Dancing Flames (and Roxas, if she could bring herself to torture the blonde boy).
THE END.