Preface

She traced the gold coin with the fancy letters with her fingers. She still had tears in her eyes when she read them. The serenity prayer was written in bold letters with the simple phrase "Two Years Clean and Sober" written in the middle. Sometimes it was still hard to believe she had found a reason to be here at all…others it haunted her that she had given up sobriety after over two decades in the first place. Today she was simply having a hard time facing her emotions.

"It's okay Nora," Mel Hayes said when he walked into the chapel and sat down beside her. "It's okay to feel these emotions. It's actually healthy." He had been her sponsor for the last two years and she didn't honestly know if she would be here without him. All those late night phone calls where she begged him to give her a reason…just one good reason…not to throw in the towel. What they don't tell you in all those meetings is how hard it will be to maintain the sobriety when every part of you wants a drink. What they don't tell you is that your life does not just go back to the way it was before you fell. They don't tell you that the second year is much harder than the first.

She forced a smile as she looked at him. He had been one of the only people in this word who didn't judge her…he had been where she was after all.

"Sometimes I wonder if it's all even worth it. Is Bo ever going to forgive me? Have I ruined everything with my friends?"

"You mean Hank don't you?"

She took a deep breath as she gathered her strength to continue. Hank was the elephant in the room. He was also the reason that her marriage was still on shaky ground two years after she got sober.

"I hate myself for what we did when we were grieving and I was drunk out of my mind…but he's still my friend Mel. How am I supposed to be okay with that kind of absence in my life…even if it's supposedly good for my marriage?"

"You don't believe it is," he asked?

"I believe we all just need to sit down and talk…and they need to stop treating me like some god damn china doll. This is my fault. I'm the one who betrayed my husband with my ex-husband. I know I don't have the right to even ask for forgiveness but I also know it's one of the steps…I just don't see how avoiding it is going to make it go away."

"Can I ask you something Nora?"

"Go ahead, "she prodded.

"What do you want? If you had to choose what is most important to you, what would that be?"

She took a moment to let the tears come…she had learned that the second year was full of unexpected emotions. She supposed that meant facing the truth head on.

"I want my husband back. I made so many mistakes when I was drinking Mel. I'm not sure I can fix what I broke but…but God Help me, I love this man…more then I probably should. I want him to trust me again. I want him to look at me like he used to."

"And Hank? Where does Hank fit in?"

"He's one of my very best friends. It kills me that we can't even be in the same room anymore. He's afraid to even talk to me because of what we did…because we had sex…and I can't say he's wrong because it kept happening. It was so wrong but when our daughter died…God, I didn't know how to be with my husband anymore…he didn't understand in the same way that Rachel's father did…and if I had been sober I would have realized how crazy that sounded. Except I didn't want to be sober. Losing Rachel to drugs just killed me in a way that I can't explain…I wanted to be numb…I didn't want to feel the loss…I didn't want to face how much I blamed myself…"

"Nora, that's the most important part of what you just said…You have to let go of the guilt…not just for Rachel's death, which by the way is NOT your fault…"

"I should have seen the signs…I should have gotten her help…. I'm her mother and I failed her…just like I failed my husband…"

Mel turned to face her…placing his hands on both of her cheeks…forcing her to look at him. "I am your sponsor but I am also your friend and I am going to tell you something you may not want to hear…You are NOT superwoman Nora. You can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself. If you want Bo to trust you again, you have to start with yourself. Learn to trust in yourself sweetheart…trust your decisions…Only then can you ask your husband or your friends to do the same."

"What if I don't know how?"

"Then ask for help…you know what that means don't you? What they teach you in AA…To trust in a power bigger then yourself…Why don't you take a few minutes to collect yourself…ask for guidance…The meeting won't start for another 30 minutes."

"Thank you Mel," she said, squeezing his hand. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

"I've been there sweetheart…I know how hard this can be…But I also know that you can do it. I'll be outside. Take all the time you need."

She heard the door shut and she looked up towards the cross. She was Jewish but she supposed in a time like this, it didn't really matter who she believed in…she just needed to believe in someone.

"Dear God," she said, getting to her knees. "I don't know if you can hear me but…please help me fix everything I broke. I know I made so many mistakes…mistakes that might not be forgivable. But the thing is…I love my husband so much. I hate myself for what I did to him…to us…for ruining my friendship and his friendship with Hank. I know I need to learn how to trust myself again…learn how to forgive all of my mistakes but…I don't know how. How do I forgive the things I did while I was drinking when they were so cruel and heartless? Please help me. Oh please help me. I dont want to lose the man I love."

The only sound that could be heard now was the sound of her anguished cries as she remembered every ugly detail of what she had done…and prayed for forgiveness.