Foolish War
With Tsukushi, I never know whether to hope or to resign. I always hoped she loved me the way I loved her—or even at all; but for then, for now, I had to resign my emotions towards her and let her live without me. Or was it that I couldn't live without her?
Finally, I no longer feel angry, uncomfortable, or hurt. The two of us are crouching just beside the koi pond. I know she feels nervous, I saw it when I walked over and greeted her, "Yo." She barely managed out a response. Now, as I watch her, she's staring into the water, fingers twiddling and eyebrows focused like she does when there's nothing else to do.
Every time another strand broke, I knew it; I felt it. The night in the rain when I slapped her; the day when she told me, "Congratulations"; last night, when she saw me in the most compromising position of my entire life—with Shigeru. I knew for someone who didn't know, there could be no doubts. I sighed because now, every assumption was wrong.
I could never stop loving her. Even now, when everything between us was difficult and awkward, I could no longer be angry towards her for the nothing she did and felt nothing but love. But also, I knew, I could never break apart. Wondering what she and Rui had done, in the room, alone, together, I knew I couldn't break apart or every security I had would be gone.
I looked over once more and marveled that she was wearing such a light yukata when the morning was so chilly. "Are you cold?" I ask, in hope maybe I can lend her my jacket. Then I could touch her once more, hope against hope she would forget everything and things would go back the way they were. Even if she shouted at me, told me away in the way she always used to, it would be better than this silence.
"I'm fine," she replies, in that nervous voice.
We had destroyed each other.
Even that wasn't true—it was me. Doumyouji Tsukasa, you really fucked up this time. I can't think anything else while she says, "Well, um, I'm going back." I only nod.
"Tell Rui that I'm leaving, too."
"All right." She sounds calmer as she says it. It seems that way now: they looked so comfortable together, sitting in that coffee shop. Rui had seemed protective the way he held her after coming from the hot spring. And there was nothing in the world I could do.
I supposed my silence was my own folly. I had had so many opportunities to right the wrongs, set it straight but every time my words failed me. As she walks away I think, I should have told her there is nothing between Shigeru and I; I should tell her that nothing happened. But would she care? "So?" I couldn't hear that. I would crack if she said, "Why do you tell me this?" Parts of me would fall away like broken pottery. So I don't say a thing as she walks back.
I suppose that always, I will have hope. I will resign the war for now and let her live her life, for as I love her, it is only fair that I should leave her. But always I will have hope that I will know, someday, how she loves me.
To know if she loves me the soul-consuming way that I've grown to love Makino Tsukushi, the only girl to call me Big Frog King—that would be my human victory.