Disclaimer: This letter is created entirely for entertainment purposes. If you are easily offended by things of a sarcastic nature, do not read. We do not own any movies/actors mentioned in this letter.
2nd Breakfast Enterprises
666 Melkor's Place
Alqualondë, Middle Earth
Mr. Reeves
001 Baller Lane
Notalent, LD 00000
Dear Mr. Reeves:
We here at 2nd Breakfast Enterprises feel the need to inform you that the peoples of the world are no longer in need of your acting services. In fact, we were never in need of seeing your horrific visage presented in films such as the Matrix Trilogy, Much Ado About Nothing, Speed, Dracula, Chain Reaction, etc. Those movies had a decent shot at joining countless others in the category of legendary films, but once your name is added to the billing the only list a film can be added to is Forgettable Unstimulating Constipated Krap. F.U.C.K.
Much Ado About Nothing. the only reason that this film is still considered decent is because, fortunately for you, it was about nothing and therefore no one really gave a flying monkey's ballsac that you can't grow facial hair properly. But even if you did miraculously obtain the ability to produce properly grown, non-patchy hair upon the grotesque profile that reminds us of a racoon's vomitous buttocks – otherwise known as your face – still your lack of talent and on-screen magnetism would force us to consider the anorexic and drugged-up Nicole Richie as a more likely contender for an Oscar. Moreover, you do not, and will not ever belong in a Shakespearean production; you are far beneath it, so do not make and attempt at it again.
Unfortunately for you, you also appeared in a film that was adapted, directed, and starred in by the creative genius that is Kenneth Branagh (who can, by the way, grow a properly attractive beard). And since we're on this particular topic, it is quite obvious to us that a certain deficiency in anatomy on your part must be the cause of your atrociously pathetic attempts at facial hair. Kenneth Branagh, based on what we've seen of his…beard…does not suffer from this deficiency. In fact, there is hardly anything about the man that could not be classified as extraordinary. (This brings us to an imperative question: Are the hormones that you are so obviously taking meant for, in fact, women?)
Now that we have efficiently emasculated your person, for which you are quite welcome, we feel that it is high time we discuss the travesty that is your feeble attempt at an accent. You are not British, we realize this; however, if Miss All-American Pretty, Pretty Princess Winona Ryder can pull of a decent British accent, you certainly should be able to as well. You were upstaged by a woman. How does that feel? Hmm? Warm and toasty, we'll bet. Word of advice: take $500 out of the $20 million average that you bring in while imposing on the world with your untalent and buy a speech coach for a week. It'll do wonders for your career and your egotistical male nature.
To sum up, you are the lining of the bowels of today's movie-making society. If manure were to be transmogrified into the personage of an actor, you would most likely be it.
Sincerely,
Raevyn & Tabitha
CEOs and Founders
2nd Breakfast Enterprises