You Aren't the Only Liar

(During New Moon)

("Taking Over Me" by Evanescence lyrics in italics bold.)

You don't remember me but I remember you

I stared into the endless oblivion that is the nighttime sky. I searched the sky for the moon, the light giver that reminded me of when you were kind and good. When I could just sit in arms ands silence was enough.

I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you

I can't appreciate the moon any more, not the way I could, when I was with you. When you would whisper in my ears, the poetry it reminded you of. It isn't as beautiful without it being comparable to your pale skin that always seemed to glow when it was just you and I.

But who can decide what they dream?

I can't, you're the master of my dreams. Who sends me swirling in memories that should be beautiful, but that rip me apart, because they are never as beautiful as the reality. Our lost reality.

And dream I do...Not of dolls or fields of endless confusion, but of wilting flowers and rivers of tears; and of a darkness consuming me and dragging you away, slowly into abyss.

I believe in you

Through all this pain of life tearing me apart, I still have to believe your words. "I will never leave you all alone." Because if I don't believe those words, you really are gone and you really don't care, but I can only last if a fragment of hope survives and denial is my hope.

I'll give up everything just to find you

My life has no meaning. No children to watch through a kitchen window, holding your hand. My dreams can't even be nightmares of loss, for you were the only thing I was ever scared if losing. You're gone, so far gone.

I have to be with you to live, to breathe

My heart stopped working a while ago. It's so shattered that there is no hope in it working. I stopped loving after you left, for I can't love without being loved back. No one can replace your sarcasm and joy and teasing and beauty, inside and out.

You're taking over me

I am still only yours as I swore those years ago.

"I'll never stop loving you, because I can't believe in a world where you are no longer there." I whispered all those worlds ago.

"I will never leave you all alone, you will always be safe in my arms. I will never hurt you, or allow anything to hurt you. I love you so much more then you will ever understand. You are my life source."

You whispered all these lies and I believed them. I can't wish for your death, I love you too much. But how can I believe in your life, when your lies scream in my dreams every night.

Have you forgotten all I know?

I know how your world whispers. How you shudder when you have a wonderful experience. How you tremble when you are afraid. I was the only one who knew the difference between those two. How to make you laugh, but I never learnt to make you cry. I would never dare defile such beauty. But I was never a beauty in your eyes, so I cry every night, you always knew how to make me cry.

And all we had?

The moments in silence, where we didn't even need to breathe, because we had each other and that's all we would ever need. All the lies we lived through, how could I ever forget such bliss? I couldn't it simply isn't human. Bu, you were never merely human you were an angel. I suppose angels don't have memories.

You saw me mourning my love for you

Because I never understood why you would pick something, I always knew to be weak in beauty. Why would you? When the world of beauty was yours? When all the fools would wait for you? Because it turns out I never was: "…beautiful and intelligent, something I never knew existed." I was just a fool destined to fall for your amazing wondrous spirit. Just a fool, like everyone else, but you were always a prize, even when you ran away to hide from reality, I chased you.

And touched my hand

If you came and held my hand in that way again, I would come back to you. You know of this power you have and you would never relinquish it for everything in the world would you? But you don't even have an everything do you? Because no one could ever be your everything, not like you are mine.

I knew you loved me then

I would quiver as you breathed your warm breath upon my neck. You were so relaxed, as you put me through wonderful, unbelievable bliss. I believed so hard that you wanted me the way, I couldn't live without you. But it turns out you weren't the only liar, because I lied to myself.

I believe in you

But I don't know how. I can't understand how I can believe something so incredible does exist, but you showed it to me. You showed me that being perfectly incredibly amazingly happy was possible. In fact with you everything bad was impossible, a different world a different time, but it never interrupted our world.

I'll give up everything just to find you

I have no everything. You have somehow become my nothing. My liar and betrayer from my all, my everything, you became my nightmare and my nothing.

I have to be with you to live to breathe

I barely gasp anymore. It is always my last breath. Always hopefully the merciful end, but it makes me breathe another breath… just another breath… just another breath … for eternity.

You're taking over me

Your lies and deceit are all that fill my mind. All that exist now, because you were the best and nothing is good, not compared to you.

I look in the mirror and see your face

I see you everywhere. Always coaxing me to love you and believe you. And for just an instant I, believing you are there, glance behind me, and suddenly all my wounds heal, for that instant, I am in pure bliss again. My wounds repair themselves, and there is no pain, for that moment in time as I turn around to see you. But you are never there and so my wounds I thought had healed rip open pouring more soul and love then before.

If I look deep enough

I manage to find that drop of hope and for a bit I am again able to believe you will return, just like your promise. Never believing you could really lie to me, to your love. But you aren't the only liar.

So many things inside that are just like you are taking over

Just as false and beautiful. My memories of you, they twist my thoughts to believe. Never stop believing I tell myself. I try to coax the calmness you always gave me, with my memories. But never will something so false be as good as something so beautiful.

I believe in you

Though I shouldn't.

I'll give up everything just to find you

I can't give up everything when I have nothing.

I have to be with you to live to breathe

But you'll never return will you? You'll sooner let me die alone.

You're taking over me

But I don't understand why you try, because you always had me.

I believe in you

And as much as I try not to give myself up, I have to. You never gave me back, so I am only a shell waiting for you to return.

I'll give up everything just to find you

But no one wants my nothing that has become everything. All I have are memories, but you weren't merciful enough to take those. You had to leave me something that will open my wounds, just as they begin to heal.

I have to be with you to live to breathe

Though I wish I couldn't breathe, because I can't truly live without you here.

You're taking over me

You…

Taking over me

Have…

You're Taking Over Me

Always…

Taking over me

Had…

Taking over me

Me…you always will…