I don't know why I'm doing this. The whole idea seems ludicrous to me. My therapist told me I had to, though, and quite frankly, I'm willing to try anything to lift this pain. So, here goes...
So, it's been a year. An entire year. Can you believe it? I can't. Where did time go? It feels like it flew by, and yet, it seems like forever ago when last we spoke. I don't know if you know, I mean, you probably do, but I haven't been to visit much. It's hard, you know? To bring myself to visit. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that...it's too difficult. I suppose you wouldn't understand, you being you and all. Anyway. I just wanted to say...write...look, I'm sorry. Not that I've not been here often. Well, I'm sorry for that, too. I don't come nearly as often as I should. As I FEEL I should. Should I? I mean, there's something else. Something bigger than just that. That's trivial. I doubt you'd even notice my absence...Ugh. (I wish I could erase, but apparently that's "against the rules" and "beside the point".) Damn. I mean: I'm sorry I let you down. Everything that happened...in retrospect...I'm sorry. Having known you, being a doctor, being used to you...I should have been able to read you. To tell that something was wrong. I shouldn't have given up so easily. But I did. I got so frustrated and so angry and with so much going on...I didn't even try. I'm sorry for any rash decisions I may have made. Every argument, every disagreement, every little thing I did to annoy you, I'm sorry. All of it. Everything that made you uncomfortable or that upset you. Everything that made us loose any bit of our time being angry with one another. I lost my temper with you too quickly too often. And I know I can't take any of it back. I'm just...I'm sorry I couldn't stop this. This, none of it, should have happened. He shouldn't have won...you're better than him, I know you are. The world may not believe it, but who needs the world? Then again, genius does need an audience. I would have never been enough for you...listen, there are a lot of things I didn't get to tell you. A lot of them are far better off unsaid. Saying them wouldn't make anything any better, especially since it took me far too long to realize the truth in them, and now it's too late...but there is one thing that isn't stupid, or trivial, one thing that's sure: I care about you. I care about you so much. Much more than anything or anyone I have ever cared about in my entire life. You...you mean so much to me. You brought so much to my life. You gave me excitement and drive and adventure. You pushed me to think and to be great and be my best. You were just the kind of crazy I needed. You were...well, you were always something. You saved my life, and I would have stopped at nothing to have returned the favour, but I apparently wasn't good enough. I wasn't what you needed me to be. I am so sorry I ever let you down. I'm sorry I let you fall...
One more thing. Just...I believe in you. I always have and I always will. You were a one-of-a-kind man, a genius, with unconventional ways and a brilliant mind. Your intentions may have seemed shaky to some, but I knew you did what you did for the good. That's what matters. You were clever. Everyone is telling me otherwise, calling me crazy for sticking with it and for not backing down, but I won't. I refuse. I can't bring myself to believe them. You were real, I know you were, and no one, not even you, the great Sherlock Holmes, can ever convince me otherwise. And I know you said goodbye, but I won't. This isn't goodbye, Sherlock. It can't be...
Sincerely...yours truly...your friend...
Love,
John.