Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is JK Rowling's (:
Summary: In which Lily thinks she knows everything, and James begs to differ.
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There were too many silences like this.
Silences where Lily had to cough, fidget, or make useless small-talk to give the air a lift.
Usually, being with James, the room itself seems to shrink, the air crackles and buzzes with intensity. Now the room was stretched to impossible proportions, and the atmosphere seemed to feel heavier, when in theory, the wider the area, the less pressure you're supposed to feels.
Lily didn't know what to feel anymore. There's been too many instances with James Potter where theory didn't do you any good in the end, and what makes sense is foolish, and what you believed in was just a fleeting thought.
Lily glanced at James who was absentmindedly flipping pages of a magazine, oblivious to her sly glimpses. He had his legs crossed on top of the coffee table.
"James," Lily said, just to say something familiar. He looked up, and scowled in question. "Your feet." A look of realization seemed to dawn on his face, and he grinned sheepishly before gently placing both feet firmly on the floor.
"Sorry," he murmured, and continued flipping aimlessly.
Lily nodded numbly and turned back to her Potions book. She fingered the yellowed pages faintly and sat silently, thoughtfully, wondering when the stars had stopped blinking, when the sun had dimmed, and when her presence had become inexplicably casual to James. Maybe all she needed was a jolt of normalcy - anything but this. That way she can box it, open it weeks later and gaze at it's indistinct beauty that everybody takes for granted.
She bit her lip, and stood up, placing the book on the edge of the couch. "I'm going to go meet Alice," she said airily to no one in particular. She touched the hem of her skirt and averted her eyes to the door.
James threw his magazine aside and stood up abruptly. "I should go meet with Sirius," he said loudly, as if finally glad for a reason to move. He smiled at Lily, before saying warmly, "Let's go together. D'you think they're at the Great Hall?"
"I doubt it," Lily said. James shrugged.
"It's getting dark, maybe they're by the Black Lake, it's a nice day."
"Yeah, we haven't had a night like this in days," Lily agreed. She paused and looked into James's eyes. An image of Peter suddenly hit her; his watery eyes, always looking at James with an admiration, eyes clouded with his fixated image of James as something akin to The Great One.
"Shall we get going then?" James asked, and Lily started.
"Oh - right," she said dumbly.
James chivalrously opened the door for her and they walked out. They started wandering along in an even pace, not too fast and not too slow. The Head's Common Room was rather far from the Lake, and Lily felt pressured again, in this long walk, to say something.
But the way James was walking, so content and seemingly comfortable, with his hands in his pockets, struck a cord in her that was not unlike the first spark in a roaring fire.
"How are you?" Lily asked, feeling bold, and slightly put off by his nonchalance.
"I had a great day," James said dismissively, putting his wand in his back pocket. "You?"
Lily looked uncomfortably at him. "Are you quite sure you want to stick your wand there? You know what Professor Merryweather always says…"
James waved this aside. "That old bat. It's Moody's advice, anyway - my mum told me."
Lily scowled. James noticed her empty silence, and asked with the tone of blatant incredulity, "You do know who Moody is, don't you?"
"No, I don't," Lily said indignantly. This was at least a slice of himself she had been accustomed to. James grinned widely at her crispiness.
"He's Head Auror," he explained. The redheaded witch regarded him with a long, hard look. "He's exactly what I want to be when I get out of here," he said wistfully, looking out of a small window, and continuing to walk alongside Lily.
"You'd make a good Auror," Lily said thoughtfully.
"Really? You think so?" James asked, and his voice was soft, and deep, like chocolate.
"Well, yeah," Lily said, clinging on to his words like a life-saver. "You're at the top of nearly all your classes…except Charms and Potions, of course," she finished smugly. James smiled broadly and looked as if he wanted to move closer, but he didn't move, and fell into his old stride smoothly again. The silence stewed for a few moments.
"So why was your day so great?" Lily asked tentatively. She glanced at the portraits who were being annoyingly tactless, listening in to their conversation like a soap opera. She was still thinking about blasting each portrait when she noticed the cold air next to her. She looked back and saw James looking at her oddly. He ran to catch up (which only took about two long strides - he had extremely long legs), and shot her a goofy grin.
"What?" Lily asked impatiently. James shook his head and laughed. Lily crossed her arms. He leaned back against the wall and said, amused, "It's just really, really funny to see you glaring bloody-murder at portraits who pose no threat to you whatsoever."
"Shut it," Lily snapped. She felt foolish. But at least she didn't have to confide in him why the snickering portraits were yanking her wand.
"Honestly, Lily," James said, a hint of humor still peppered in his voice, "what danger are portraits?"
"I'm not scared of them," Lily said coldly. She walked briskly ahead and James caught up effortlessly.
"Let loose, will you?"
Lily whipped around so quickly that James almost ran into her.
"Let loose?" she spit out like venom. How rich of him; every meeting with him, every instance they were alone at the common room was like a classroom when an exam is being administered!
"Yeah," James said bluntly. He put a hand on her arm and swiftly removed it without looking directly at her.
"Every time we're alone together it's like you go into a Silent Spell! Don't talk to me about loosening up when being in a room with you is like being at a funeral," she hissed.
"Is that so?" James asked. He seemed genuinely curious yet at the same time had a defiant way about the way his mouth was arranged.
"Absolutely."
"So you think I have…cooled down, do you?" he asked a little bit coolly. Their walking slowed down to a lazy stroll.
Lily felt the air change, and it became tighter, but not like before. This was more hostile, as if they were both back at their respective forts, and they were poised for combat.
"Snape looks like a Chinese Fireball took out it's temper on him," he said conversationally, changing the subject curtly. Lily stopped. James followed suit and turned around swiftly, almost expecting her anger.
"It was you?" Lily spluttered. Everything was whirring inside of her. Everything she wanted came to her, but in a whole different dimensions - of hostility, defiance, and bitter disappointment.
---
(Flashback)
Lily picked up her wand and stirred the potion three times clockwise, and two times counter-clockwise. She watched it simmer with a small smile, with it's nearly invisible fumes snaking it's way around her throat and it's light blue hue bubbling softly.
She heard snickers coming from the rear end of the dungeon, but knowing who it came from, she brushed it off indifferently and instead decided to make small talk with Alice. She turned to her left to speak to her best friend when she paused at the look of her round, pretty face.
"Alice - what is that?' Lily asked hesitantly when she had peered over to look at the mud-like substance in her cauldron. Alice winced and hastily used her wand to stir the potion rather roughly.
"I don't know," Alice whispered, looking worried. She glanced at Slughorn furtively, who was busy wagging his finger at a haughty Slytherin on the other side of the room.
Lily frowned and pointed at Alice's potion book. "Did you read the instructions at all? You must've added the powdered mandrake nail before you added the asphodel."
Alice looked at Lily exasperatedly. "I'm not a bloody potioneer Lily, you know that!"
"Keep your voice down," Lily said, looking at her teacher from the corner of her eye. "You can make this respectable. Let's see," she murmured, flipping through the pages quietly. Alice watched on hopefully and then let out a small gasp. Lily looked up slowly and raised her eyebrow.
"What?" she hissed.
"Look - Snape's potion," Alice choked out. Lily whipped her head around and her eyes grew dangerously round as she took in the sight of Snape looking like he was alone in a room with an entire set of Filibuster's Fireworks when it went off.
"Oh my," Lily said quietly.
---
"Yeah, it was," James said softly, yet Lily could not detect a flicker of remorse in his eyes, or in his stature.
"It was you," Lily said slowly, anger slowly bubbling, dangerously close to boiling over. When she wished that James would be more lively, she didn't mean for him to go back to his childish ways. Whoever was watching over her was making a mockery of her wishes.
"Yes, I told you," James said testily.
"You told me you were going to stop!" Lily nearly shouted. "Why would you do that? It was cruel - you could have really hurt him!"
For the first time, James slumped his shoulders and turned slightly beet.
"I know, Lily, and I'm sorry. I know I promised that, but sometimes you have to go against your better judgment…for other reasons," he said.
"There was no reason at all for you to do that to Snape," Lily barked. "You're Head Boy, look how that makes me - look how that makes you look!"
"I don't know, how does it make me look?" he asked, stopping to look her full in the face.
"It undermines your own authority," Lily said, glaring at him, "not to mention mine. How hypocritical would it be to scold someone when you can barely stay inside the rules yourself?"
"I didn't do it on a whim, Lily," James said calmly.
"Why did you do it, then?" Lily asked coldly. She was standing with her feet almost glued to the floor as if one movement would send her flying, far away.
"Frankly," James said, "that's not really any of your business, but trust me on this, the prank was not baseless." He turned about-face and started walking. Lily flared her nostrils and felt as if he and herself were bound by the hips so she kept following closely alongside him, demanding an answer. She felt slightly hurt that he wouldn't tell her, even though she knew that it was none of her business. This new revelation was putting an ugly, blotchy dark mark on her perception of her Head counterpart.
"You are being incredibly selfish, James," Lily said stubbornly. She must have tip toed on a nerve, because she felt James tense and say hotly, "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I do," she said. "You're making Dumbledore look like a fool for making you Head Boy!" She didn't know why she persisted so much, why she wanted to set him off, even though as usual, it didn't lead her anywhere good. Two sides of her conflicting - one wanted the Old James Potter, the other pulling roughly for the New Revised James Potter that doesn't pull pranks, but was as lively and full of gusto as the last.
James sighed angrily and peered at her with narrowed eyes.
"Let it go, Lily. It already happened, nothing you can do about it," he said, tone weary and bordering finality.
"How do I know you won't do it again?" Lily asked sharply. "Don't you dare ask me to trust you," she interrupted, when James opened his mouth to interject, "when you threw it away like an afterthought!"
"You don't get it!" James hissed, finally looking a little peeved. He ruffled his hair and pursed his lips tersely. "Snape hurt one of my best friends, he pulled a jinx on Peter when he knew we weren't there to help him, that filthy coward, and Peter couldn't come out of his room for a week!"
"I thought he was in the infirmary for -"
"Well you're wrong," James growled. "Sometimes we do things that aren't right, but feels right because you know it makes other people happy, or don't you get that? Are you happy now?" His eyes bore into her, but Lily wasn't fazed. His fiery hazel eyes willed her to understand.
"What you did was still wrong - you don't get it! Two wrongs don't make a right!"
"You know what Lily, sometimes we can't do what's right, sometimes we have to do what our heart tells you to do, and if my heart tells me to retaliate for my best friend, than Merlin I will," he spat. They stopped at an empty corridor that was dimly lit by torches and thankfully, free of portraits. "It's called being loyal, and being a good friend. You can't always rely on your mind, logic and judgment, like you, so get off your bloody high horse."
"And that's all good and all," Lily retorted sarcastically, "but what happens if you got caught? You're Head Boy -"
"Is that all you care about?" James said hotly. "You call me selfish but all you bloody care about is image! Image, image!" If the hold on his jaw didn't slacken, it would be sure to shatter. "We do things we regret because of image, Lily, so don't you start with these principals and morals and all these things that's supposed to justify not sticking up for your friend. You don't know anything about that, do you? Look," James said forcefully, heatedly, "at fifth year! You stood up for Snape, he called you a ruddy mudblood to save his slimy arse from shame of having a girl defend him and look where that ended up for him! Damn it, Lily, you two deserve each other -"
Lily slapped him. James staggered and kept his head down low, his chest heaving.
"How - dare you," Lily choked out, her hands stinging. This was all turning out horribly wrong. So, so, excruciatingly horribly wrong.
"l am nothing like Snape! I will never - never be seduced by the Dark Arts - how dare you?" Lily gasped. Tears of fury ran down her cheeks and she shoved the tears away roughly.
There. He had broken her down. Was that what he wanted? Was that why he had told her? To get her riled up? Did he think she was as silent and lifeless as he was?
She looked at James silently, waiting for him to fight back, claw at her, to fire her up again, make the air crackle, buzz, and spark like all those times before. He was slumped down, looking at the ground. Remorse, and a need to understand made her want to approach him. He seemed to be in his own bubble, and Lily was slightly afraid of that one misstep again.
Everything didn't used to be so cautious.
So again Lily took the first step. Before, so many times before, James had taken the first step, the last the third, everything. It was time to take the reins.
She sat down next to him leisurely. His warmth engulfed her, and unlike her initial thought, his bubble didn't pop, it seemed like it stretched, and Lily and James were stuck inside a small, intimate, tentative bubble.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. She wanted to reach out and touch his hand, but didn't want him to wake up from his trance, realize what a bitch she was and walk away.
"It's alright," James said gruffly, distantly. "I deserved it, I suppose." He was staring intently at the wall opposite him, grime and all.
"No, you didn't," she disagreed, to make him feel a little bit better. "But…am I really that awful?"
James turned his neck to look at her tenderly, as if looking at her too hard would make her disappear. "Not at all," he whispered. Lily gave him a faint smile, and asked almost shyly, "Why did you tell me if you knew I was going to be mad? You could have kept it to yourself."
"First of all, it's never good to keep something from you. Second, I was growing tired of…you always thinking that you knew me," he finished shortly. "Don't look like that Lily, you know it's true. Before this year, it's that I'm a good-for-nothing prick with immature habits. Then this year, you were was so set on believing I changed that you assumed I just cooled off completely."
Lily contemplated this. She looked down at her hands and took a moment to consider her current stance. He was right - she always thought she knew him. What did she know now?
"I never know what to expect from you, though," Lily said.
"You can never tell based on your die-hard assumptions about me," James replied bitterly.
"Don't get me wrong," Lily said quickly. "I still know you to some extent -"
"You've got to be kidding me, Lily," James drawled. "You know nothing about me."
"You don't know anything about me either," Lily said defensively.
"But that's a topic for another day."
Lily had no reply to this so she sat thinking, trying to figure out how she went from point A to point B, and came up with about a thousand different routes, with about a hundred variables. She felt James move beside her, and she felt him get up. He held out his large hand for her to take, and she shook him off, getting up herself. She thought she saw him smirk, but it could have been just a weird angle with the lights.
So they stood next t each other, everything having died just a little bit. He was watching her like a mother would look at a baby, and Lily shuffled uncomfortably.
"Err - Alice, and Sirius. I mean, they're probably waiting," Lily said quietly.
James nodded and started strolling again. Lily was expecting something big to happen, now that they had jumped over the hurdle, now that everything was somewhat resolved. But just as before, his presence ran away from her, and she unconsciously drew closer to see if it was a physical thing.
James didn't seem to mind, in fact he moved just a little, a smidge to the left. They were grazing each other's shoulders and Lily felt a tingle somewhere in the region under her stomach.
The corridor they came across when they turned a corner was considerably brighter, but only near the ceiling. She felt the strange feeling of being underground and getting a peek at the sun.
"Do you still think you know me?" James asked, his voice low. His tone was almost teasing.
Lily snorted. "You're not some big mystery puzzle, James. Don't think so highly of yourself." She kept her voice light and friendly. Again James stopped abruptly.
"Stop doing that…James," Lily said, faltering under his fierce eyes and rosy cheeks. He moved forward. Lily moved back. Lily could see beads of sweat on his long nose, his long lashes, beautiful, rose petal lips. He moved forward until Lily hit the wall with a gasp, and he trapped her within his brawny arms. Her heart was beating erratically under her white blouse. She fought the mad desire to groan at his proximity.
He knew what he was doing to her, which was why he leaned his face closer and touched her neck with his nose and inhaled deeply. Lily closed her eyes, and her breathing became uneven.
"Do you know me now?" James whispered. He looked up slowly to meet her eyes. Lily looked at him ferociously back and wrapped her arms tentatively, but firmly, around his neck. She leaned in to sigh into his mouth, "Not yet."
She pulled him down roughly so that his mouth crashed down into her. She clung to him for dear life, and he made sure that he was as close to her as humanly possible, his hands grasping her small waist tightly. He crushed his hips against hers and she moaned into his mouth, and James reciprocated with digging his hands into her hair, and it was this, remarkably, before James could shove his tongue in her mouth that Lily pulled away and said breathlessly, "Wait - James? James."
He groaned and put his face in the hollow of her shoulder. Lily felt him all around her, and she held on to him still more tightly.
"What," she heard him mutter.
"Look at me," Lily demanded.
"No can do," James said, his voice muffled by her shirt.
"Don't be ridiculous."
"If I look at you, I'm not promising anything," James said, and Lily said, "I'll take that risk."
James looked up and smirked before immediately grabbing her mouth in a long, slow, tantalizingly sweet kiss that flushed her face to her scalp. Lily again pushed him away with spectacular strength from deep within her and said quickly, "Listen!"
"What!" James snapped impatiently, his eyes clouded with lust.
"I want to know more," Lily said.
"What do you want to know?"
"Everything," Lily said with conviction.
"After this," James pleaded. Lily thought about this, and when she looked at James, who looked like a predator ready to pounce, she replied,"Deal."
"Wait," James said, looking down at her.
"What?" she said, impatiently. James chuckled at the reversal of roles.
"You said you wanted to know everything right?" James asked.
"Yes, I recall saying that," Lily said, narrowing her eyes. James gave her a quick peck before moving foward towards her ear.
He whispered huskily, "I lied about meeting Sirius."
Do you like? I know it was all over the place, and the ending was less than spectacular, but I worked long on this, so give me your thoughts (:
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BHBC.
Be Honest, Be Constructive (: