Kate looked down at him with wide eyes. She had come to the swings expecting a breakup, not him on one knee with a ring in hand. A sob of relief escapes her as she swiftly gets up, kneels before him and hugs him tightly, burying her head into the crook of his neck.
Castle feels the hot tears on his neck and his heart rate increases.
"Kate" he begins.
"I got the job" she blurts out, interrupting him.
"Ok" he says cautiously "I already told you that I'm fine with whatever you decide"
She lifts her head, wipes her eyes and rocks back onto her heels so that she is facing him.
"I'm not taking it" she says firmly.
"Beckett, you don't have to decline because of me. I'm a writer – I can write from anywhere!" he says. Because he knows that she will only end up resenting him if she does. The whole point of the proposal was to show her that she didn't have to choose one or the other.
"I'm not" she says.
"I'm declining it because of me. Because this is my home, Castle" she pauses, sighs.
"I joined the force for all the wrong reasons. My mom was dead, my dad was in rehab and I felt lost and hopeless. But as the years passed, it became about more than just finding my mom's killer. I got to make something great out of my tragedy.
She looks at him with passion and conviction in her eyes.
"It became less about catching bad guys and more about interacting with the families of the victims and giving them justice and closure that I couldn't find for myself as yet. And I loved it. I love it. Sure DC would be an amazing opportunity to do good, but so is being here. This is my home. Ryan, Espo, Lanie, Montgomery, even Gates – they're my family.
She pauses, seeks out his eyes.
"You're my family, Castle" she says when she finds them.
"You say that you can write from anywhere, but that's exactly the point. You can write from anywhere but you chose to stay in New York because your home is here with Martha and Alexis. God Castle, I could never ask you to give that up for me!"
He opens his mouth to form a response but she cuts him off.
"After my mom died, I told myself that I never wanted to feel that sort of pain again; that I wouldn't survive losing someone I loved again. So I built up this wall to keep people out. Better safe than sorry, I thought" she says letting out hollow chuckle devoid of humor.
"Relationships were just sex and small talk, and while I did have some extent of feelings for the guys I dated and some honestly tried to make the relationship work, I kept one foot outside the door and ended things before they got too serious. That was fine with me because I had one priority and that was my job. Nothing else mattered" she says, pausing to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
"Until you" she whispers.
"I underestimated you at first" she continues.
"Thought you were just a rich, conceited playboy interested in anything with breasts" She bites her lip and smiles for a moment before continuing.
"But then you saw right through me without even knowing anything about me and that scared me because no one else had ever done that and it made me hate you even more."
He lets out a sound, somewhere between a snort and a chuckle, can't help himself.
She grabs his ear and twists it, reveling in his squirms and girly yelps of "apples!"
She grins and releases his ear after a moment. It's been way too long since she's done that.
"Don't get it twisted Castle, I despised you. In fact, if Montgomery was here right now, he'd tell you how many times he had to talk me out of shooting you."
"Suuure" he says grinning, obviously still convinced with his version of the story in which she fell in love with him at first glance.
She rolls her eyes and smiles before becoming serious again.
"But then I saw how you interacted with Martha and Alexis and everyone at the 12th and I realized that I had misjudged you. My feelings for you went from hate, to tolerance, to like, to a little more than like, to 'woah there Kate, you have a boyfriend' to 'why do you have a boyfriend again?'" Her breath catches but she continues.
"You snuck up on me. Removed the bricks one at a time rather than try to bulldoze your way through like all the others had and before I knew it, I was in love with you"
"Then why did you even take the interview?" he asks, voice a little too loud, a little too rough but he needs to know.
"Vaughn asked me if we were serious and I hesitated" she says softly, her eyes glued to a spot on her knee.
"I know you're serious about me and I'm serious about you, but are we serious, Rick? We never talk about it. We live in the now and that's great. This" she says gesturing to the space between them "is great"
Her eyes return to his and he can't tell if they're glistening or it's just his unshed tears blurring his vision.
"This past year, I've been happier than I've ever been. Things are great now but what about two years down the line? Five years? Will we even be together then?"
"Kate, why didn't you just ask me? We could have just talked this through!" His voice sound desperate to his ears. Sounds as if he's pleading and maybe he is because though she said she's declining the job, he still doesn't know where this conversation is heading"
"I did. Well kind of" She sighs.
"It was after Vaughn's case and you were rambling on about the massage and I asked and you said…"
"To the bedroom" he fills in, as the memories of that night come back to him. "But Beckett, I couldn't have…"
"I know. I know you couldn't possibly have known I meant it in that context, Castle. Nevertheless, that just added fuel to the flames. I started thinking that you've been through all the major milestones already. You've been married, twice at that, and you have a beautiful daughter"
She looks at him and he is certain now that there are tears in her eyes.
"I thought, what if you're content with the way things are. What if our relationship slowly dies and then all we have left is sex?"
A tear slides down her cheek and she swiftly wipes it away.
"I know I should have asked you directly but a part of me feared getting an answer that I didn't want to hear. So I went into defense mode. My wall had long been breached so I had to implement some countermeasures. I needed something to bury myself in incase we didn't work. I can't do it at the precinct because it's filled with memories of you. Because I stare at your chair when I'm supposed to be doing paperwork" She knows she's talking too fast now, barely stopping to breathe but she needs him to understand her reasoning behind this. "Ryan and Espo 'covertly' watch me with looks of pity and I snap at them, partly because the coffee deprivation makes me grumpy. It's not that I don't know how to use your over the top cappuccino machine, and even if I didn't, the boys take turns offering to make me coffee. But I decline and drink tea and juice all day because as sappy as it sounds, coffee isn't the same without you" she pauses, finally, and takes a deep breath.
"Losing you is my biggest fear. It was something exactly like this that I anticipated, that I was trying to prevent when I put up that wall. I know it sounds stupid now but I thought the only way I could survive us breaking up was to get as far away from New York and anything that reminded me of you."
"I'm in this Kate. For the long run. This is it for me" he says, sad that she wasn't convinced of that before.
"I know. I was stupid and I'm so sorry for hurting you"
She looks down, sees the ring still clutched between his fingers and realizes he is still awaiting her response. She takes it, places it in his palm and closes his hand around it.
"No" she whispers and his face falls immediately, a lone tear slipping down his cheek.
"No" she repeats wiping the tear away and hopefully all the pain she has caused him along with it.
"Not yet" she says firmly.
His eyes meet hers in an instant, baby blues clouded with confusion and hope.
"Not when we just had our first major fight. Not when this is the first time we've talked in days. Not when there is fear in your eyes instead of love"
"Kate" he begins but she cuts him off with her lips on his, soft and sweet.
She cups his face with her hands and looks him in the eyes.
"You're my one and done, Rick. I want to marry you, but not just yet. First we need to continue this long overdue talk about our insecurities. Then take our time and cross other milestones like moving in together. So ask me again – not today, not next month, maybe even not next year. Whenever you think we're ready and it's not just about making me stay, ask me and my answer will definitely be 'yes'"
"Okay" he breathes, blue eyes sparkling as a result of that lopsided grin that she loves so much.
"Now, let's get out of here before we get mugged" she says rising to her feet and offering him her hand to do the same.
"Off to your place for some make-up/almost engagement sex?" he asks waggling his eyebrows.
Kate rolls her eyes but can't help the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth as they head, arm in arm, to her place.
" Oh and Ricky?" she adds "Next time you decide to propose, keep in mind that my dad has a shotgun and will gladly use it on anyone who marries his only daughter without his consent. Got it?"
"Got it" he grins.
I've been on this site for a while reading other people's work but this is the first time I've actually written my own. Reviews are welcome, especially constructive criticism.
Also, I'm thinking of starting a Caskett centered Tumblr so if you have a Tumblr dedicated to Castle and you follow back, send me your url!