Chapter 1

Love and Loyalty

...

No one would ever know what dark thoughts had been going through Shane's head as his partner lay, shot and bleeding, gasping desperately for every painful breath. Because nothing in the world would persuade Shane to put them into words. It wasn't that he was truly ashamed of them; he had accepted long ago that he could never be the person he pretended to be. But, he was a cop. Supposedly employed to enforce justice; a good, noble thing.

But the hatred flaming in the blackest pit of his soul for the bastard that dared try and take away the life of the most important person to Shane... It was wrong. And not something he would make Rick privy to. Not when he had worked so long and hard to paint the perfect nice-guy image for Rick to believe in and rely on.

And the almost-murderer that fired on another human like it was nothing... He got his. Shane made sure of that.

Besides, how do you even put words to the emotions ripping through your chest as you watch the one you love fighting to hold onto every precious second. Minutes you spend waiting for help that seem more like hours; brutal, but possibly the last you get together. Grasping at the threads of fate that fade from reach with every stuttering heartbeat, like a handful of balloons that fly up from sight, disappearing one by one into the embrace of eternity.

Helplessly witness the very second he slips into a coma.

Listen to his wife crying like it's her fault and not yours, pretending like she gives a damn, while discussing if it would be better to let him go. Whether he'll wake up.

And you can't do anything or say anything. You don't have the right.

Because everyone in that room knows that if you had just done your job and protected him like you were supposed to, none of this would be happening. And you wouldn't have to stand here while his wife tells their son that he's not coming home.

And you feel like dirt when you realize that is something you might actually want... Not for his life to be in danger, but for him to be here when you show up, no matter what time it is, and not at home with her trying to fix their marriage. You have him all to yourself. And it's selfish and wrong, but the feelings won't be stopped. Because ever since they said those wedding vows, you have been waiting for the day they break them; secretly hoping that they are having another fight. Because every time they are at odds with one another, Rick comes to you for consoling and you can take him drinking, knowing that you can say anything to him when he's drunk and he'll never remember it, just know that you were there for him and not her.

These are the secrets that Shane keeps hidden; locked away in some dark part of his heart, behind a door that is forbidden to open. He hates himself for feeling this way. But throughout all the years, nothing he's done has lessened the sense of longing he feels for his best friend.

He sits in a leather chair by the bed in Rick's hospital room and wets his lips, tasting all the words he suddenly feels the need to say. Things he has wanted to say forever... But he can't say them now. It wouldn't be right.

Not that it mattered much. He didn't even know if Rick could hear him.

But...

He wanted to apologize. Say he was sorry for letting this happen. And for passing up all the chances he had had in the past to make Rick his. He wanted to tell Rick how much he cared; that what he felt went far beyond friendship.

And as he looked up, hearing the door open, and met Lori's suspicious eyes as she entered the room, he realized that he should have told Rick to leave this woman long ago.

But she's Carl's mother. Rick would say; like it didn't matter if he loved her or not.

We could raise him together, just you and me.

It wouldn't be the same. A boy needs a mother.

Whatever makes you happy. Shane would concede eventually, because Rick's happiness was the only thing that mattered. Even if that meant they couldn't be together.

But, he wasn't happy, and they both knew it. Even though he never admitted it.

At one time, Shane suspected that one of the reasons Rick married Lori after she got pregnant was because he was scared of what would happen between him and Shane if things went on like they were. The naive rookie could have found himself unknowingly enjoying the lingering touches and subtle innuendo of his partner. But falling was not an option. So, afraid of what could happen between them if things went farther, he saw marriage as an escape and took his chance.

It freed him from Shane well enough; although the young cop was drowning in desire, he would never touch a married man. But now Rick was trapped in a disfunctional marriage with a child and no place to run for comfort but back into Shane's welcoming arms.

Or maybe that wasn't how it was at all, but Shane fooled himself into seeing nothing else with lovesick eyes...

Lori crossed the room and stood beside the bed, clutching a store bought bouquet of flowers. They were pretty, but cold; there was no sentiment anywhere at all within the dyed petals. For now the room smelled sterile, clean, but Shane knew that in minutes it would reek with the heady scent of fake gestures and false kindness.

His eyes went unconsciously to the vase of blossoms just to the right of Rick's bed, comparing it to the one she had brought. His had been a gift from the entire police department; they chipped in to pay for it anyway. The arrangement, however, had been done by Shane himself, consisting of flowers from more than six different bouquets. He had been an extremely difficult customer that day, demanding that these be switched and those be replaced with new ones. It had taken the better part of an hour, but finally he had something he was proud of.

Hey, it was the first time he was able to give Rick flowers and, despite the circumstances, he was determined to make them no less than perfect!

Lori wordlessly laid the flowers amidst an assortment of gifts. Hopeful cards with scrawled notes and names. Teddy bears wielding shrinking balloons and plastic hearts. A table-top full of half hearted wishes for a speedy recovery. If the senders of these small tokens cared so much, where were they?

When Lori set down the bouquet, she immediately moved to Rick's side and clasped his hand.

"Have you been here long?" She addressed Shane, almost accusing him with her big green eyes.

"Not really." He lied, deeming it better to give her a little peace of mind rather than admit that since it was his day off, he had come in early this morning and had no plans to leave until the hospital staff asked him to. "I see." She replied slowly, frowning warily at him. He avoided her glare and continued to slouch in his chair, nervously intertwining his fingers.

After she and Rick had tied the knot, Lori approached Shane and warned him to keep his distance. It seemed his attraction hadn't been as unnoticable as he'd thought. She told him not to make a move, saying that she and Rick were husband and wife, and they were going to seriously make an effort to create a family and life together.

It had been awkward then, finding out that she knew, but it was even worse as time went on and things started to break down in their home life; Rick had even gone so far as to confide in Shane that they weren't having sex anymore, let alone would she allow him to kiss her.

It was bad. And she would ask if he'd been to see Shane, knowing very well he had. It was like some soapy TV drama where Shane was the other woman.

But who knows... Lori hadn't argued privately with Shane over it in months; maybe she even began to give Rick up to him in small pieces.

Then one little slip, a split-second distraction, and here they were. Standing in a hospital room, holding onto a man neither of them could fully reach.

...

"I have to pick up Carl from soccer practice." Lori said, finally breaking the tense atmosphere and letting go of Rick's hand. Shane looked up, his eyebrows raised in interest.

"The little guy's playing soccer?" He asked. Lori nodded and answered, slinging her purse over her shoulder and shaking out her hair, "He suddenly took a liking to it. He starts playing for the team in two weeks." Shane chuckled to himself and shook his head, remembering a day when Rick shared stories of playing soccer in high school. It had been one of his early passions.

"Shane," Lori requested his attention, pausing at the door, "Don't stay too long."

Shane's temper flashed, thinking she was excersizing her claim to Rick again. But he eased at the softened look in her eyes when she said sympathetically, "He wouldn't like it if he knew you were spending all your time like this."

She turned and left then without another word.

Shane sighed and pushed himself up out of the chair. Lori looked so tired as she walked away, head down, the lines of every sleepless night present on her face. Shane was tired, too, as he went to kneel beside Rick's bed. They were all tired.

Maybe it was over, maybe this was the end. The point where they all have to give up and accept the cruel reality of what happened and what they had lost. Maybe the only reason he slightly felt like Lori had given Rick up to him was because she had accepted that it was over. They all lost. The three of them, in this stupid little game of good intentions and denied emotions, had reached the epitome of their battles... The only real question left was, did Shane still want Rick if this was the tragic victory?

The answer?

The only answer... Yes. Of course. He would always want Rick; always and forever, no matter what shape he was in. Even if his own memories of the man were the only thing left to win. He would keep them always, and that would be enough. It would have to be.

Shane gently wrapped his fingers around Rick's. He stared at the brown haired man's soft features, his well shaped form looking thin under the florescent lights. The beeping of the heart monitor chirped steadily in the backgorund, every tone reminding Shane that Rick was still here, every whisper of his breath almost cruelly teasing. As if it meant to say I'm right here... I could open my eyes at any moment and break your heart with a single smile.

Shane closed his eyes and leaned his head down to Rick's hand, pressing a light kiss to the back of it.

"Whatever makes you happy." He whispered against Rick's skin, before laying his head down on the blanket and losing all senses to the quiet moment.

.

.

It was nearly March when the first attacks began.

Within hours, panic and chaos was breaking out all over the world. Large cities like New York and LA were hit the fastest; where more people were, the disease spread with violent speed.

By the time word reached Shane that there was an epidemic of bloody carnage sweeping across the nation like an old-world plague, it was too late to take any precautions. The police department was a madhouse and before anyone knew what they were dealing with, it was unstoppable. They lost control and in no time at all there were more officers infected than not.

Shane's first thought when it became clear they were fighting a losing battle, was to get to Rick. Some of the things he'd seen... He just had to get there fast. With the screaming crowds and vicious hordes coloring the city, Shane bolted to the hospital like a bat out of Hell. The infected, whatever they were, moved slowly, but overtook the population at a disturbingly steady rate.

There was no time to waste in getting to Rick's room while simultaneously avoiding the diseased and those that saw his uniform and begged for help, for answers, that he couldn't give. Like he had any idea at all what was going on.

He made it to Rick's room and burst through the door, heart freezing for a second, then resuming its hammering beat in the relief of finding him alone and untouched. But he wouldn't be safe for long; not in this place.

Shane rushed to the bedside and slipped his hands under Rick's knees and back, intending to carry him out of there. But as the young cop attempted to lift the unconscious body of his partner, his attention was drawn to the wires and tubes that were attached to him. Shane frantically reached for them but stopped his hand.

IV, yes, he could remove that. But what about the wires connecting him to the machines? The food? How would Shane feed him without it? Was one of them possibly even keeping him alive? Regulating his breathing?

Anxiety screamed these concerns in Shane's head, making him sweat, hands shaking as they briefly touched parts of Rick's face, his chest, not knowing what to do.

A cry from outside snapped him back to reality. He had to hurry; whatever he was going to do, he had to pick up the fucking pace!

Quickly, he returned to the door, throwing it open, scanning the cloudy hall for someone to help him. He spotted a tan skinned woman in purple scrubs and reached out to her.

Suddenly a man clad in protective gear and carrying a gun swept past him, dragging the woman by her arm.

She spotted Shane and frantically grabbed at him, screaming at him to help her, but he instinctively stepped out of reach. He watched in horror as the man thrust the woman against the wall with a row of others, also dressed in surgical attire, and started to fire on them. Shane's mouth opened in protest, but his voice was choked with horror and he was unable to move.

Once the bodies lay crumpled against the wall, the soldier from before moved down the line, inflicting a head shot to each one. After doing that, he turned his head to look at Shane. The cop felt icy dread travel down his spine as the gun was lifted and directed at him.

Out of the haze behind the soldiers, a door opened and blood drenched people poured out. Obviously infected, they attacked the other soldiers who blindly fired upon them. The man targeting Shane turned quickly and joined the others in trying to fend off the onslought. Shane drew in a sharp breath and retreated back into Rick's room. He closed to door and flew to the bedside once more.

He knelt on the opposite side and cluelessly pawed at the wires that hung from the equitment. Torn between not wanting to hurt Rick by doing this and not wanting to abandon him, Shane decided to throw caution to the wind and jerked out the nearest wire. Almost immediately, what sounded like an explosion from outside shook the room, causing plaster to rain down from the ceiling tiles and cutting off the power.

Shane sucked in a shocked breath and hastily pushed buttons on the dead machine, any button he could find, hoping to turn it back on.

Nothing happened.

"No, no, no..." He hissed furiously, turning his attention to the too still form of his partner. He leaned over, pressing his ear almost hesitantly to Rick's chest.

He was afraid of what he would hear; or rather, wouldn't hear.

Sure enough, like Shane's worst nightmare had come true...

There was no heartbeat.

Shane straightened, tears pricking his eyes and slammed his fist down on the handrail. "Damn it, Rick, I'm not leaving you!" He roared with every ounce of conviction in his heart.

His eyes went to the door as the handle twisted slowly. Above the growls of the infected, he could hear the chilling screams of their victims.

Then the door opened.