My man and fellow KP fanauthor Fabius Maximus wrote a story, The Perils Of Trash, recounting the henious fate of our heroine when she broke into Drakken's lair after he hadn't cleaned in a while.
I had just finished reading H. P. Lovecraft's 'The Call of Cthuhlu'. Ferociously ironic. I didn't know if I was up for another such story so soon.
In my review, I articulated several responses: 1 "But...but...that's our HEROINE!" 2 Vorarephilia does not turn me on. 3. As grim gallows humor goes, it is cute. 4. Didn't our heroine put the kibosh on Dr. D's tentacled monster in StD?
Moi had the temerity to write his own epilogue. I besought the permission of Fabius Maximus to post it, and he graciously complied. By my approximate calculation, it's the shortest fanfic I've yet written.
So…happy belated April Fool's Day. May it bring a crooked smile to my readers' lips, and hopefully not too queasy a feeling to their digestive tracts.
Glop
Thah-wham!
Sounds like a sonic boom emanated from the fridge. Drakken and Shego both jumped in fright and hugged each other.
Thah-wham!
The sound repeated itself. A tremor like an earth quake shook the floor. The fridge shook like a jumping bean.
WHAM! B-TAM! Shrack! Ka-BOOM!
The fridge door exploded off its hinges and flew across the lair, crashing into the opposite wall. Gobs and chunks of tentacle and other noisome organic substance spattered the ceiling, walls, and floor, making plop-y sounds.
A shuffling thing emerged from the fridge, looking like an animate featureless pile of sickly greenish-gray doughy substance. Lumpy arms reached up and scraped away the glistening gooey substance. Shego and Drakken both stifled screams of horror at the unearthly sight.
A human head and face started to appear. Wiping the stuff out of her eyes, she flicked globules of it on the floor. Kim slowly emerged, coated in gelatinous goop, hair plastered down, chest panting with exertion, and eyes glaring madly. Spitting and huffing, she finally managed to speak. "That…thing! I don't know what orifice I went in, and I don't know which end I came out of…but…eww!" And she shook her hands and arms. With her fingers, she picked off strands of the mucous substance.
Her mouth twisted in disgust. "So GROSS! This is worse than your stupid melting clones!" She brushed futilely the layer of slime on her arms and torso. "LOOK AT ME! My mission suit! It's in my ears…my nose…my HAIR! I can feel it in my shoes…between my toes…do you hear what I'm saying?…BETWEEN MY TOES!"
She glared furiously at Shego and Drakken again, growling. "Aaarrrggghhh! You two! Both of you!
They both jumped, startled.
""I overheard the convo while I was in there!" She pointed an accusatory finger at her foe. "Shego!"
And the supervillainess flinched.
"You somehow manage to take vacations at the Billionaire's Club…right?"
Shego nodded timidly. "Y-yes…Princess…?"
"Loan, give, or whatever it takes to your boss for him to hire a cleaning service!" And both her accusatory glare and pointing finger shifted a degree laterally. "Drakken!"
And the supervillain quivered in his boots. "Yes…Kimmie…?
"I saved a cutting from your stupid flower and a smear of your mutagenic spray from the Lowardian mission…you remember, don't you?"
And Drakken nodded frantically.
"You…will…take…the…money…Shego…gives…you…"
"Yes…I'm listening…"
"…And…you…will…not…spend…it…on…any…doom…rays…or…death…traps! But…you…will…clean this pigsty! Spic and span! Get your mother to help if you have to! Steam-clean…if you have to! SANDBLAST, if you have to! Or I swear, I will so take a specimen of this..." She made a grimace. "...stuff...and your daisy and everything else over to DNAmy. And I'll have her concoct something REALLY horrid!"
Drakken's skin tone paled to a shade of baby blue. He silently mouthed the words Oh snap…my mother.
"Please, God…" muttered Shego. "…Not the daisy."
The lair chamber rang with the sound of Kim's ultimatum. "And if I have to, I'll come back here and spray every square inch of your lair walls…and lock you two in here! DO BOTH OF YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Drakken nodded with the rapidity of a tuning fork. His tongue clave to the roof of his mouth. Shego whimpered and began to bawl.
Mustering as much dignity as she could, Kim flipped her slimy hair. "I'm going home to take as many showers as it takes to get this..." She looked like she might burst into tears of frustration. "...stuff...off of me." She hit the 'send' on her Kimmunicator. "Wade…!"
"Kim?" The concerned voice of the Team Possible mission coordinator could be heard. "I heard…swallowing noises! And explosions! Is everything okay?"
Ignoring Wade's question, Kim continued. "…Wade…please find me a ride home...something with a compartment for toxic material, if you have to. And maybe have the driver stop by a car wash.
"A…car wash?"
" Not for the vehicle...for me!" She made squishy sounds as she walked.
And Wade dutifully complied.
Both the squishy sounds and Kim's voice receded as she left the lair. She walked bent over, leaving a noisome green trail behind her. The weight of the substance was like wet sand. "Ewww! I look gross…I feel gross…I smell gross…" She coughed and hacked, clearing her throat like a cat gagging on a hairball. "…I even TASTE gross! I'll never eat calamari…or caviar…or seafood…or pudding…ever AGAIN!"
And as she made her final departure, she could be heard to wail distraughtly. "OhmyGod! I feel so…GORCHY!"