Therefore Inside
As I sit here writing this I shake with anger. A slave to this emotion I am unable, to free myself for long. In this anger I stand unworthy, in this anger I stand unwell. I stand unworthy of my friends, unworthy of my so called love. I am unable to do what I want to do, unable to be what I want to be. I feel as if I cannot do what they would need. I feel as if I am unworthy of her. For if I am bound by anger, then how can I give myself to her and to God fully? I must learn to give myself to God and to her, to surrender control. But when to anger I lose control, how then can I give it away. I cannot give what I have not, cannot surrender what I do not control. I try and try and for a while, for a while I am free, but I know in yet a moment it can return. A moment, a spark, a small thing is all it takes. To loose inside, the inside, on the outside. Inside is power, strength, and force. But to direct it, control it, mold it, move it, this I lack. I know inside that if directed, that force can do great things. But the question arises then, what will it do? Will it for great good? Or for great evil? I know the path I wish to take, the way I wish to go. Yet I lack the control, the ability to direct the force inside. I feel as though inside there flows a river, a pool, a well of power, but left untapped I can use it not. I know inside I can do great things, great things for good, and that is my desire. Yet I also feel as though I am as a volcano, a large force that can destroy or build. And when I lose control it comes pouring out, pouring out in an explosion of pain and anger. So to stop this from happening I choose to wear the façade of rock, the false strength, the unmoving wall. And yet I know that underneath the fragile rock, there lies a burning force. And every day I fear the thought that one small thing will break the wall and set the danger flowing out. And if this problem does continue, then how I ask can I be worthy? How can I think I can be, How can I be, worthy of her when she deserves so much more. This is my greatest fear, to hurt when I love, due to myself and the anger and force inside. I fear to lose control, to explode and hurt those around me. I wish I had the power to shape and control the force, the force inside. For I know if I can't control or channel it in the good path, then that force will do nothing but hurt.