Waking Desire

Summary: Susan daydreams about her magical homeland when reality is just too harsh to bear. But what happens if it starts to feel real? Fourth in the Mindscape series.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to CS Lewis; I'm just borrowing.

AN: Massive thanks to Lucy the divaqueen, who gave me the kick I needed to get this up. This is for you, thanks so much for your continual support.

--

The clothes felt heavy and severe on her small frame, weighting her down as she walked. She tried so hard to keep her shoulders up, to keep her head held high; she'd been a Queen after all, royalty in another place, and she had to show it somehow. But the throngs of people around her didn't know that and the people she saw on a daily basis just accepted her for what they saw, just Susan Pevensie, nice girl but nothing special. It was hard to believe that you were after awhile, even with everything she'd lived through, when all you were met with every day was normal reactions and polite disinterest when she did speak up.

She was heading home now though and home was where her salvation lay. Lucy always had this look about her whenever she was thinking of Narnia, which was at least once a day, and just the sight of her sister's face, knowing she was thinking of their kingdom, was enough to remind Susan of everything; to make it all worth it.

Or it had been, until recently when the girls at school had started talking about more mature subjects, about dances and boys and about how they must make themselves up to be something more than they really were. Susan was something more than she appeared to be, but it was something they would never understand and she wouldn't taint it by trying to explain it to them. It was in that same thought that she'd have to explain that dances were boring compared to balls and boys were nothing compared to princes.

Life back here was so monotonous compared to life in Narnia, with the same people discussing the same things every day. There was no talk about what adventure would be had today or about plans for what they'd do differently tomorrow. And there were no riveting conversations either, not unless the person she was talking to was related to her. Susan didn't want to believe that everything she'd learnt in Narnia meant nothing here, in this world which was now her only reality.

The people around her jostled again, almost sending her to the pavement. Her quick reflexes and good balance saved her though and instead all she did was stumble. A man nearby made a tutting noise, as if it was her fault that she'd been pushed and Susan understood why her brother had lost it so easily just a few months before. A particular incident at the train station sprang to her mind.

Peter was a lot calmer now and a lot more dedicated. He wasn't so rash and hot-headed. It was easy to stir his temper if you knew the right buttons to press but otherwise he seemed a calm mature young man. He'd questioned their father about careers he could take and seemed very interested in the local politics. His marks at school had shot up and both their parents were incredibly proud of him.

Susan was too, she just wished she could share in some of Peter's faith and goodwill. Nothing she thought of nowadays made her happy and she was so tired and stressed all the time. It was as she was slowly becoming a different person.

The feeling of losing her identity was what worried her the most. Was she losing herself?

At last she caught sight her street and pulled up the courage to fight against the tides of people surrounding her to cross through them. Making it onto her home street there were less people and already she felt like it was easier to breathe.

Soon she would be home and there awaited the comfort and support of her family. She hoped it would be an easy day today, one where she didn't have to choose her words carefully. Susan needed for her parents to not be fighting, for her siblings to mention Narnia covertly too many times. She just needed a normal evening with her normal family.

It wasn't what she wanted but it was what she needed.

Her hands shook as she twisted the front handle, hearing the lock click as she turned the key with her other hand. It was an old door and need some negotiation and Susan thought it summed up her family life perfectly; strong and proud but needing to be handled just right to get it to let you in. The rest of warm air from inside caused her shoulders to sag, relief washing over her that she was finally home. Here was a place where she needn't pretend to be someone else.

Voices echoed form the kitchen and Susan stopped as she closed the front door. Her mother was shouting at someone, or something. She sagged against the door, all her strength fleeing her as the implications that tonight would be a careful watch night set in. There would be no rest for her today. Instead of the mask of indifference she wore to everyone she would have to wear a mask of utter patience.

Susan gathered the last of her will and quickly hurried up the stairs, knowing that when she returned down them she would have to cook and care for her family tonight, whilst ensuring her mother that she didn't mind.

Locking herself in her room she collapsed on the bed, her bag and coat dropped to the floor without a care. She kicked her shoes off with little effort, then exerted a little more to remove her socks. Her cardigan felt bulky underneath her so she struggled upwards and shrugged it off before falling backwards again. Her eyes fluttered close and Susan let herself go, imagining she was anywhere but there.

As usual, her mind's wandering took her to Narnia.

She was walking in the Whispering Woods, the trees all singing to her as the sun shone in the sky high above them. Some Horses were frolicking nearby, prancing and tossing their manes but it only made her smile grow.

Susan felt her body relax ever so slightly and turned her head further into her pillow.

It was calming, not surprising, when a deep voice spoke.

"You wear such strange clothes."

She smiled lazily. "They're England clothes. I'm sure the people here would say the same of yours."

"And what do you think?"

"I prefer Narnian dress."

"Hmm, I prefer Narnian dresses on you also."

Susan laughed and managed to open her eyes, looking up into Caspian's face which was focused on her. "You've never seen me in English dress before."

Caspian smirked and deliberately looked down at her current attire slowly, his eyes raking her from head to toe. She tried to keep her breath even as he did so, knowing it was perfectly innocent but her heart had sped up. His eyes didn't help when they returned to hers, their darkness intensified.

"I think I was correct in my assumption." He said huskily.

Susan closed her eyes again and rolled away slightly. She was just so tired to deal with this right now.

"Is something wrong your highness?"

Susan shook her head. "Nothing you can help with," She opened her eyes and stared at him again, watching as he removed his outer cloak. "Though I'm sure you would if you could."

The bed dipped as he sat beside her. Caspian took her hand and entwined their fingers, rubbing his thumb across the back of her hand and causing her to sigh. They stayed like that for several minutes, just letting the silence wash over them as they held hands.

"You are so tense." he whispered, his other hand tracing shapes across her stomach.

Susan shrugged. "School and the people here have been getting to me. I haven't felt properly relaxed in weeks."

A devilish smile flashed across Caspian's face. "I can help you relax."

Susan giggled at his hot look but shook her head. "This is just a dream."

"Is it?" Caspian murmured, raising his free hand to cup her cheek whilst he lifted their joined hands to kiss hers.

"I hope it is. Otherwise I have nothing."

Caspian smiled sadly. "You will always have me... and Narnia. We will never leave your heart."

"I wished my heart was all I needed."

Susan shook her head as silence took over them again, this one fraught with tension.

"I'm sorry. We shouldn't talk about such things. Whether this is a dream or me going crazy you are here."

"I am," Caspian grinned again, although this one took more effort. "And I am shall make you feel much better, much more relaxed. Sit up."

Susan struggled upwards, a small smile playing on her lips as Caspian watched her intently. "And what exactly do you plan to do your majesty?"

"An old Telmarine custom although the Narnians use it too."

His hands dropped hers and raised o the buttons on her blouse. Susan instantly covered his with hers, unsure what was about to happen but one look into Caspian's eyes made her drop them back to the bed. She trusted this man and could only see concern ad affection in his gaze.

He struggled with the first few buttons but soon got the hang of them and had her shirt undo and off of her within a few seconds. Susan tried not to notice how his eyes lingered on her undershirt, which was much tighter and more revealing than her school blouse. She supposed it would have been the equivalent of a very raunchy Narnian nightgown.

"Lay on your front," Caspian commanded softly but his hands encircled her waist and slowly lowered her down. They then slid to her side where they started undoing the buttons of her undershirt. Susan tensed up but he just whispered to her. "Trust me."

The shirt came off a few seconds later and Susan found herself without any material covering her torso. Caspian finished lowering her down and then ran his hands over her back gently, causing goosebumps to pop up in their wake. He smoothed down her skirt, shaping it around her legs. His hands carried on down to her feet and Susan felt him shift as he moved and then settled at the end of the bed.

"You need to have a peaceful body to have a peaceful heart." He said gently.

His fingers began to move, drawing circles into her ankles, his thumbs pressing in at the sides. Susan closed her eyes and gave herself over to Caspian's hands, blocking out all sounds around her apart from his breathing and his voice. Her feet started to feel slightly numb after awhile but it was a pleasant sensation and even though she didn't say something it was then that Caspian began to move upwards.

His fingers kneaded the back of her shins, changing pressure and pattern as he ascended and Susan could almost feel her muscles turning to goo. He slipped his hands underneath her legs and lifted them slightly, making sure he reached the front of her legs as well as the backs. When he reached her skirt, he pushed it up a little bit, continuing the motion of his hands across her knees and lower thighs. He didn't go too far though, and simply ghosted his hands over her skirt covered anatomy.

Susan had to bite back an audible moan when he began to massage her waist, his warm fingers on her skin causing all sorts of sensations to flash through her. Again his hands slipped under her and pulled her up slightly and she just loved the feeling of his strength commanding her. She felt almost as if he was branding her as he slowly moved up her body, his fingers pressing deep into her skin, leaving some sort of mark that said she was his, and his alone.

She couldn't hold her moan back when he leant down and kissed her back.

Susan knew he was smiling as his hands shifted higher. She knew because whilst his hands massaged her spine his mouth trailed the area they'd just come from. When he ran his tongue along the skin just above her skirt she gasped loudly, her eyes screwing up in pleasure.

"This is not part of a traditional Telmarine massage," His voice was low and husky and did nothing to help control the feelings starting inside of her. "Nor Narnian. But I think I prefer this for you."

"Yes." Susan gasped, the vibration of his words across her skin causing her legs to shake.

Caspian chuckled against her and kissed his way up her spine until his mouth met with his hands, just below her neck. Susan was very aware of his weight hovering over her and tried her hardest not to move.

One of his hands wrapped itself into her hair and lifted it to his face so he could bury his nose in it. Leaning down he nuzzled the back of her neck through her hair and Susan once again couldn't hold back a moan.

"Are you feeling relaxed now?"

His lips kissing her on her neck stopped her response. His hand gathered her hair in one fist whilst the other ran up and down her arm. She couldn't do anything but tilt back her head to give him a better angle at which to kiss her. Caspian accepted her offering immediately and began to kiss her newly exposed skin, his tongue flicking out occasionally and causing her to gasp.

"Caspian." Susan murmured.

"Yes my queen?" He replied, lips moving against her.

Susan couldn't take anymore and, heedless of her lack of garments, rolled over so she was lying directly underneath him. Caspian's eyes widened and darkened all at once but before he could do anything Susan had reached up and wrapped her hands in his hair, pulling him down to meet her hungry lips.

The kiss wasn't slow or sensual as his hands on her body had been, but passionate and deliberate their mouths moving against each others to express the building feelings between them.

They had to break away for air eventually and stared at each other; she looking up, he looking down, whilst panting for breath. Caspian smiled at her and leaned down to kiss her forehead tenderly, his eyes returning to hers as he pulled away.

"I hope you are feeling better."

"Much." Susan smiled blissfully in reply.

She closed her eyes, her smile still fixed firmly on her face, when she felt him kiss her forehead again. His lips lingered and the warmth from then spread across her entire being, making her feel as if she had just stepped into a hot shower. She sighed happily and felt light and happy and herself for the first time in days.

"Thank you Caspian." Susan whispered.

"Anything for you my queen." His whisper sounded as if it was coming from a long way away and a ghost of a kiss wisped across her forehead.

Susan struggled to open her eyes and sit up but when she did she was alone in her room. The sounds of yelling from downstairs almost deafened her and as she moved to go to the door and head downstairs to help when she realised how cold she was. Staring down at her naked torso in shock Susan couldn't believe she'd acted out her daydream. She was always a solid sleeper, not a restless one. It was then that her eyes travelled over the rumpled bed sheets, far too rumpled to be amde from the movements of one person, and the piece of material lying on the edge of them.

Scooping it up she recognised it as Caspian's cloak instantly, the one he'd been wearing just now in the dream. Holding it for a second, unsure of what to do, Susan finally lowered her head to it. Breathing deeply she inhaled Caspian's unique spicy scent. Shocked and awed she burrowed herself into it, wrapping it around her with her arms and covering her face.

Had the dream been real...?

Had Caspian been here...?

--