Penance
'Because killing innocents is bad for the soul.' Joshua had spoken those words and meant them, but he feared they hadn't been heard. She had raised one eyebrow, opened her mouth to say something, reconsidered, smirked and left. Joshua sighed. It was to be expected. Not many people believed in anything anymore. She was no different. Skilled, intelligent, charismatic… dangerous. But she lacked conviction. She did only what she had to to survive and hoped to emerge better, stronger, smarter.
He had sent Follows-Chalk to keep her company, but she had refused. Said she worked better alone. Though she was not the Courier he was expecting, he felt she was dangerous to his cause nonetheless. She had goals, ambitions, dreams, to be sure. But like most of his fellow men, they were petty, small and would not last. In the end, everyone had to repent and all they would have left at that point was their faith. If they were lucky. All the skill, intellect and charisma in the world wasn't going to prevent that from happening, no matter what you achieved in your lifetime. But you couldn't force one to believe. One either did, or one did not. And she did not. She believed only in her own skill.
Several hours later, she had returned successful from the quest he'd sent her on. Somehow, he hadn't expected anything different, but God help him, part of him had hoped she would have failed and returned with hanging head, begging for him to help her. Deep down, Joshua had always known, feared even that she would succeed in dealing with the White Legs. She would use all of her skills, smarts and charms and she would succeed. He knew she would, but still he hoped she would fail at some point. A little humility would have done a lot to soothe her soul. He could have aided her in seeking the penance that had saved him for certain doom. But she hadn't failed. She had succeeded. Her actions had proven to be catalytic factor that helped them deal with the White Legs. New Canaan was gone and the future that lay before them was anything but certain, but she had at least given them a fighting chance. The Dead Horses and the Sorrows would live to fight another day.
And now she had left and he doubted they would ever meet again. He would never get another chance to show her the way. The only way that mattered. She had returned to the Mojave and believed herself to be stronger, smarter and more skilled for it, but she still lacked conviction. Faith. She still fought for the same petty goals, driven by the same small ambitions that plagued most human beings.
Perhaps he had failed her. Perhaps he should have tried harder to make her see the way. To show the benevolence of penance. Of course there was pain too. More then most people could handle, but Joshua knew instinctively when he met another survivor. And she… if she was anything, it was a survivor. She would have made it. He knew it. If he had only gotten through to her. But he hadn't. He'd failed her and himself. He'd failed the Lord as well, for He believed that no one was beyond his salvation, but only through other believers could the wicked be shown the light.
The Courier was gone. Somewhere in the Mojave she now wandered, chasing her own goals, oblivious to her ignorance and the darkness in which she stumbled. Out of his reach forever, doomed to walk this world in the constant agony that had once been his partner too. He could only pray for her and hope that she would one day find the same kind of peace he had. And that it wouldn't have to come at such a high price for her…