This is the kind of companion piece to "White Houses" called "Let Her Go" Based loosely around the song 'Let Her Go" by Passenger. This one is told by Matthew which is why certain parts of it are somewhat incoherent because he's literally smoking crack.
Let Her Go
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
I sigh and sit back against my bed. She's gone. Emily is gone. I can't seem to get my mind around the fact that just two houses down her house sits empty. I should be able to though because she's been gone almost a week. Tomorrow I have to go back to school though. I have to go to school and face John Cooley someone who I can't even look at now.
I'll also have to face Jenny Kerwitz, who's really the cause of all my problems, she was the one who got Emily to go to that party. I can't punch Jenny though, but I can punch John. Again. With Emily gone perhaps I'll actually be able to break his nose the rest of the way.
I can still hear Emily's words 'Matthew what's wrong with your eyes' ringing in my ears, she sounded so crushed, so wounded. I'd done that to her and I couldn't take that. So I keep using, to numb the pain, it isn't the best solution but it works for now. When we get back to America next year maybe I'll be able to find something a little stronger, that lasts a little longer.
I get up and cross to the dresser, I open and empty drawer, and pull out a shoe box. In the box are all my photo's. I love taking them, or I did. Emily was always supportive of my love for photography. I pull out the only picture I didn't take. Jenny took it. Its of me, John and Emily holding hands next to the Trievi Fountain, it was taken the day before Emily found out she might be pregnant.
I tuck that picture in my pocket and take out the rest, I walk downstairs to where a fire burns in the fire place. Without a second thought I dump the pictures in the fire and walk away.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
The next month Jenny is all over me, and I'm starting to get sick of it, faster than I would before. She's run out of people to sleep with her and I'm the only virgin in the school.
"Fine, Jenny whatever you want!" I snap.
"Really?" she asks
"Yeah sure." I shrug.
"I thought you were saving yourself for marriage." She narrows her eyes, trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth.
"Screw Marriage." I say.
"Matthew are you okay? Ever since Emily moved you've been off. You punched John and got suspended, now you're okay with sleeping with me?" She frowns.
"I'm fine Jenny, I'll be over at six." I say turning and walking away from her, into the bathroom where I swallow the pill quickly.
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
When I see Emily next we're 18 and meet in a coffee shop in George Town. She's pretty much the same, and smiling.
"Matthew!" She smiles and hugs me, I hug her back and take in the way her hair smell, like flower shampoo.
"Hey Emily." I smile back.
"Are you still using?" She whispers as we sit down.
"Yeah I am... how did you know?" I frown
"You're shaking, your eyes aren't really focusing, you're showing symptoms of withdrawal." She whispered. "You have to stop Matthew, you could have a great life if you do. A wife, all those kids you always wanted."
"I could, but I won't Emily. I just won't." I sigh, I knew this would happen its why this is the first time I've accepted in the 2 years I've been in America, but I had to accept. I had to see her.
"You will, come with me, for a few weeks. Try please?" She reaches over and grabs my hand, taking it in hers.
"Okay." I say more for her sake then mine. "Okay, I'll try."
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Her apartment is small but she's doing her best, she seems happy enough. She's set up a cot in her small bedroom, it's the only place I'd fit. I don't mind, but I don't sleep much, I've always been an insomniac. She sleeps curled with the blankets pulled around her, shivering. Always shivering, no matter how many blankets are piled on her.
I lay across from her, I'm not feeling well. A week of no drugs has made withdrawal bad, Emily is shivering again, an suddenly her eyes snap open. "Matthew?"
"Yeah?" I whispered.
"Why the hell are you awake its two am?" She sits up, the shoulder strap of her dark purple tank top has fallen around her shoulder and her hair is tangled.
"I could ask the same." I raise my eyebrows.
"I'm cold." She smiles weakly.
"You're always cold." I chuckle a bit.
"Yeah I don't know why." She whispers reaching for the sweater on the bed post. I stop her.
"Stop, you do that every night and we both know it doesn't work." I smile.
"You're right…" She sighs.
"Come here." I say, pulling back the blankets and moving back far enough for her to move in.
"Really?" She asks.
"Yeah really." He says, she smiles at me and crawls from her bed to my cot.
When she wakes up the next morning she smiles at me. "I wasn't cold."
"That's because sometimes when you're cold all you need is someone who loves you to just keep you warm." I smile.
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Three years later, I've been using for two years and haven't spoken to Emily in two and a half. I'm sitting in the back of a bar in George Town waiting on John, I don't know why I agreed to come here. I hate John. Hate John with a passion. Broke Johns nose a few times in high school.
I'm twitching violently when John arrives, John looks me over and chuckles. "Look at you."
"What?!" I snap.
"Exactly." John laughs. "Oh Matthew, it was bad seven years ago but this, this is sad."
"Shut up! I'll break your nose again!" I snap, my hand twitching, it's been too long since my last fix.
"Uh-huh, yeah sure you will, come on, we're going to visit an old friend." John sighs dragging me out of the chair.
"Who?" I ask.
"You'll see." John sighs.
Twenty minutes later we're knocking on the door to an apartment. "I'm coming!" Calls a very familiar female voice.
"You brought me to her?!" I turn to John.
"Yeah I did because you need to get clean and I know she's the only one you'll listen too." John says, Emily opens the door tying a pink bathrobe around her, her long dark hair dripping wet.
"Oh Matthew…" She sighs. "Hi John."
"Hi Emily," John says grimly. "I found him." He shoves me into the apartment, Emily guides me to her couch.
"Thank you John. Matthew your family has been so worried about you." Emily sits next to me.
"How do you know that?" I snap.
"Well they called me, and since they hate me that's a pretty good indicator is it not?" She snaps hugging me suddenly "You've been missing for over a week Matthew! Y-you're family was so worried and I-I was because no matter what's wrong you always call them. Wh-where have you been?!"
I hate this, how she sounds like she might cry so I hug her back. "I was fine Emily, honestly I just had some business to take care of."
"Business?! Matthew you're using again!" She cries and I can't lie to her, so I don't say anything.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Seven years later I can't get in contact with her, I've tried her work but some snob with a Scottish accent has told me she wasn't there.
"Can you give her a message when she gets back?" I sigh.
"Aye Sonny, I can, but that might be a while." He says.
"Just tell her Matthew Benton needs to speak to her, tell her something is wrong. I-I've done something bad." I whispered.
"Sonny, are you okay? Would you like me to call someone?" The Scottish guy asks. I took that as 'maybe you need me to call a suicide hotline.'
"No, no just get me in touch with her as soon as possible." I hung up. I didn't need anyone else on my case about using again.
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Its six months before Emily calls, she sounds exhausted when she does, which is expected when she calls at three am. "Hey Matthew are you okay?"
"Yeah I-I am." I say my voice wavering, I can hear someone in the background talking to her.
"Okay, hang on." I can hear her turn to the other person and say. "Declan, I'll get you a snack in a minute okay? Thank you." She comes back to the phone. "Sorry I'm fostering. What's wrong?"
"I-I can't do this anymore Emi." I whisper my voice cracking. "I-I've tried rehab to stop the addiction and it doesn't work."
"Okay, Matthew where are you?" She asks.
"My apartment," I whisper giving her the address.
"Okay I'll be over in twenty minutes, but I'll have to bring the kid with me. Is that alright?" She asks.
"How old is he, the house isn't exactly child proof…"
"he's four and a half, he'll be fine." Emily says, I can hear her pick up the child.
When she arrives, she's holding the hand of a little boy. "Declan, this is my friend Matthew okay, we're going to play with him for a while okay?"
"Okay Emily!" The boy squeaks in an Irish accent, I can't keep even my heart from melting.
"Where did you find this kid?" I ask as the boy darts into the house.
"Well I was in Ireland on a job and he needed a family, so I brought him to America, his mother can't care for him right now she's in the hospital so I'm caring for him. He's cute isn't he?" She smiles.
"Yeah, what's his name?" I ask.
"Declan, and Matthew they say kids can sometimes do the best job at healing a wound." She whispers.
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
A year later, screw kids who needs them? John is sitting across from me in the bar watching me shake and experience withdrawal since he's had me here for six hours.
"Wh-what are we waiting for?" I snap.
"Emily." He sighs.
"when will she be here?" I ask.
"Seven." He answers.
"Then why did you ask me to come at noon?!" I glare at him.
"So this would stop by the time she gets here, but unfortunately that's not working…" He sighs.
Emily walks over to our table and sits next to John, looks me over and then looks at John. "Six hours, you've had him here for six hours?"
"Seven, in about two minutes." John corrects. "So how are you Emi?"
"I'm good, I just got a job with the FBI." She looks pointedly at me.
"Oh th-that's nice." I say looking off into space at the green butterfly.
"What's going on with him?" Emily whispers.
"Withdrawal he's seeing things." John whispers back.
"N-no I'm not!" I snap my gaze following the rainbow bug that was fluttering between Emily and John.
"Yeah you are, Matthew this has to stop." John sighs.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Three years after that John is dragging me to another apartment, I assume this one is Emily's until Lila, my sister who's three years younger than me, answers. "You brought me here?!"
"Yeah I did, because you're not Emily's problem. She's got a good job, she's back on her feet but you and I both know she'd drop everything to help you because of what happened in Italy. And the least I can do for her is take care of you." John sighs.
I don't say what I want to, which is 'it's your own damn fault she got pregnant and then you didn't help her at all.' Instead I look at my sister. "Hi."
"Hi Matthew," Lila sighs and leads me inside.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
And you let her go
Well you let her go
Staying at Lila's only last three months before I am dragged –kicking and screaming I might add- back to my parents and forced into church. Its not something I want to do but John is right, I'm not Emily's problem.
I spend as much time out of the house as possible. I don't really care what I'm doing but I soon meet up with two other guys like me. Thomas and Patrick. The two of us make a decision something we have to do.
"John?" I say when John answers the phone.
"Yeah Matthew?" He sighs.
"I'm going Galicia Spain." I say.
"Matthew, what are you going to do?" He asks, he can tell from the tone in my voice that I am up to something.
"Nothing that concerns you." I say. "Just don't be alarmed if I'm not around for a while okay?"
"Okay, be careful Matthew, you know it would crush her if you died." He whispers, I hang up on him, I know he's right.
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Four months later Thomas is dead. I call John and we agree to meet in a bar, I tell him its urgent and not to tell Emily unless he has to.
"Whats wrong Matthew?" John asks sitting across from me.
"He's dead John." I say.
"Who?" He sighs.
"Tommy V. He's dead and their after me next, and then they'll come for you!" I say urgently.
"Okay Matthew." He rolls his eyes he clearly doesn't believe me.
He will though, he'll believe me.
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
When I get home I hear the hushed chanting and I know I'm too late. They're here for me. They're going to kill me just like they did Tommy and just like they will John. Two men come from behind and grab my arms, they tie me to the bed as Father Silvano begins his chant.
I'm shocked to see my own father playing a part in this but I know I shouldn't be, I ought to have seen this coming. I'd heard him and mother whispering at night.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
I'm screaming and fighting to get out of the restraints. Why are they doing this! Why me! Blood streams down my face, my heart is beating fast. Its not beating normally though its beating her name.
Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily. I want her to come and save me from this torture! Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily. My body can't take much more of this! Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily. The stress is taking over I can feel it becoming too much! Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily. In one last effort to be saved I scream her name. "Emily!"
Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily… Emily… emil… Em...
And you let her go