Author's Notes: I started this a long time ago and had the idea for it an even longer time ago, but didn't like the way it was turning out. Subsequently, I allowed dust accumulate on it while it sat in the writing folder on my computer. Tonight, however, I decided to go through said folder on my computer and finish up every single abandoned one shot just for the fun of it. So, here is this one: a Hogwarts sorting of the Dunder Mifflinites from Dwight's perspective. Note that this is Dwight's perspective on things, and not necessarily which house I think our beloved Office characters belong in. The tittle comes from the sorting hat's song in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Spoilers for start of season 4. Cheers!
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters from Harry Potter and The Office belong to their respective owners, none of which are myself.
I'll Eat Myself if You Can Find a Smarter Hat than Me
Dwight yawned and closed his copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Ever since Andy had proposed to Angela, he had been reading the entire Harry Potter series as a way to distract himself from his heartache. He had read all seven books over again, so he had started rereading the first book again. Just as he had been getting to the chapter about the sorting ceremony, he had begun to feel tired and decided to go to sleep. After all, staying up late would result in inferior performance at work the next day, and the thought of Andy or Phyllis outselling him made Dwight sick.
Dwight could not fall asleep for awhile, so he tried counting lions. He never counted sheep, because lions were obviously superior. Besides, lions were associated with Gryffindor house. If Dwight had gone to Hogwarts, he was positive that he would've been a Gryffindor. He dozed off a few minutes after that, Hogwarts houses still on his mind. He began to dream.
He was wearing wizard robes and standing outside of the Great Hall. Surrounding him were his fellow Dunder Mifflin employees, who were all dressed similarly. Kevin's robes were fastened under his ear. Dwight saw Professor McGonagall, and all of a sudden, he understood why they were all here: they were going to be sorted.
"The sorting ceremony will take place in a few moments," Professor McGonagall said, "Meanwhile, I suggest you smarten yourselves up."
Her eyes fell on Kevin's robes, and Jim, whose nose was dirty.
Professor McGonagall stepped inside the Great Hall, and returned after a few moments.
"Please follow me," she said, and they all went single file into the Great Hall. They reached the very front of the hall, which was when Dwight saw it. The sorting hat was sitting on a stool in the front of the hall, looking just the way Dwight had always imagined it to be. Dwight smiled; this was going to be a great experience.
"When I call your name, please sit on the stool and put the hat on your head," Professor McGonagall instructed, "Beasley, Pamela!"
Pam stepped forward and put the hat on.
"Plenty of courage," Dwight heard the hat say, "Wisdom, kindness, a fair amount of ambition…I think you'll be happy in GRYFFINDOR!"
"Bernard, Andrew!"
Andy sauntered up to the stool.
"SLYTHERIN!" the hat yelled upon coming into contact with Andy's head.
"Yeah!" Andy yelled.
Dwight smiled: that despicable Bernard was going right where he belonged.
"Bratton, Creed!"
"SLYTHERIN!" the hat said.
Dwight agreed with that. After all, Creed epitomized mysterious, and the unknown was always the enemy; anyone knew that.
"Flax, Hollis!"
Holly smiled and put the hat on.
"RAVENCLAW!" the hat yelled.
"Halpert, James!"
After a few moments, the hat proclaimed, "SLYTHERIN!"
Dwight chuckled; perhaps all of Jim's pranks had finally caught up to him. He remembered that Hagrid once said that not every wizard that comes from Slytherin turned out bad, and thought that was the case with Jim. He was essentially a good person (more or less), though he annoyed Dwight to no end.
"Hudson, Stanley!"
"RAVENCLAW!" the hat yelled a few seconds later, which Dwight thought made sense. After all, Stanley did a lot of crossword puzzles, and that took a certain skill (although Dwight would never admit that fact to Stanley). Dwight read a study that many people avoided crossword puzzles because they found them to be too difficult. Dwight thought that also made sense and immediately thought of Kelly and Kevin.
"Kapoor, Kelly!"
Kelly squealed excitedly as she yanked the hat on her head.
"HUFFLPUFF!" the hat screeched, and Dwight smiled.
"Lapin, Phyllis!"
"HUFFLEPUFF!"
Dwight decided that when he got up there, he would commend this hat for its accuracy.
"Malone, Kevin!"
"HUFFLEPUFF!" the hat yelled upon coming into contact with Kevin's head.
A smile formed across Kevin's idiotic features and he walked off and sat down at the wrong table. Jim pointed him in the direction of the Hufflepuff table.
"Fool," Dwight muttered.
"Martin, Angela!"
"RAVENCLAW!"
Dwight thought that was a fine choice. After all, when that vile Andrew Bernard was out of the picture, Angela once again be his romantic counterpart, his second in command, and his girl Friday. Dwight would inevitably in Gryffindor, and his lovely Angela had been sorted in to Ravenclaw. Bravery and intelligence were indeed a perfect combination.
"Scott, Michael!"
Michael grinned and put the hat on his head.
"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat proclaimed a few moments later.
Dwight thought that, once again, the hat had made the right choice. There was no man in the office braver than Michael, save for perhaps himself.
"Shrute, Dwight K!"
Dwight marveled at the honor of what he was about to do, smiled, and put the hat on his head.
"Hello there, Dwight," the hat said.
"Hello, hat," he responded, "Before we get started, I would like to commend you for your amazing accuracy."
"Oh, it's no problem at all. I'm just doing my job," the hat responded modestly, "After all, can imagine if Kevin ended up in Ravenclaw?"
They both shuddered simultaneously.
"Well, let's get started on what will be an easy decision."
Dwight smiled. It was only a matter of seconds now…
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, Dwight. I wish all of the sortees were as informed as you are. Enjoy your time in GRYFFINDOR!"