It was a nice, sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Birds were chirping, Toads were playing outside, and Luigi's toast didn't burn that day. Oh, and the mail came early. That's important, I guess.

Mario lazily stretched as he walked outside to open the mailbox. Mostly junk mail and a couple fan letters (likely all for him and none for his brother. Poor guy.), but one letter caught his attention. It was in a pink envelope, fancy, gold patterns bordering it. With an envelope this fancy, it could only be one person, and since you probably already saw the title of this chapter, you already know who it is. It was from Princess Peach. Wow, what a shocker.

Ah, the Princess. She always found a way to make Mario's heart go bada-bing bada-boom bada-bah, followed up by a popping noise. What could he say? She was beautiful and kind beyond comprehension. Of course, if Mario's heart did pop, he'd be dead because, you know, you need your heart to survive.

Carefully, Mario did his best to open the envelope, but eventually ripped it. Trying to get over that minor setback, he began looking at the writing on the paper, doing his best to imitating Peach's voice before giving up and reading it in his head.

Dear Mario,

Thank you for rescuing me from Bowser the other day. Again. Anyway, please come to the castle today. I have baked a cake for you. Again.

Yours truly, Peach

Already, Mario was ecstatic, both of his fists clenched tight, unintentionally crumbling the letter as his mouth began to water. People often joked that baking cakes was all Peach ever did to reward Mario for his troubles. Either that or a kiss on the cheek or nose. To Mario, however, it meant to absolute world to him. All the galaxies he visited, even. Through his excitement, he dashed off, forgetting to invite Luigi along. Poor guy never gets a break.

Mario ran all the way there, letter still in hand. When he got to the castle, he practically kicked the door open, altering to guards to raise their weapons until realiing it was just the familiar hero in red.

"Mario," one of the guards dryly sighed in a reprimanding tone, "please be more careful when entering the castle."

Mario sheepishly apologized before looking for the Princess, the same guard shortly interrupting his search.

"If you're looking for the Princess, she's taking a walk in the gardens. She'll be back in about five minutes, so please wait for her."

Mario nodded, thanked the Toad, and sat down in a nearby chair.

Meanwhile, Peach was finishing up her stroll through the gardens, curious as to why Chain Chomps were there. During her walks, she liked to question these types of things, such as how she ruled a kingdom if she was a princess. Was her father dead, or something? Was she an orphan? The fandom surely made it seem like that. Did she legally change her name to Princess Peach Toadstool? She couldn't remember at this point. Well, Mario Odyssey did seem to clear it up a did, with kingdoms being more like countries, but the written draft of this was written before Odyssey came out, so…

That was another thing. Why was she so infatuated with Mario? Sure, he was the one that always rescued her (Well, most of the time), but he was a plumber. A plumber, as in fixing and cleaning toilets and pipes. Luckily, she never heard anyone make a plumber's crack joke about him. Thank Grambi he wore overalls.

Before she knew it, she was at the doors that connected the garden with the castle. Although she wanted to stay with her thoughts a little longer, she knew Mario was probably waiting for her. Heaving a bittersweet sigh, she opened the door, and to her surprise, Mario was already there, a huge smile painted on his face, seemingly being surrounded with cliche anime love bubbles, sparkling like one of those shitty bishounen characters.

Their hearts both began to flutter upon making eye contact as the two began to walk toward each other. Mario proceeded to bow, taking off his hat, as Peach let out a quiet giggle. "Thank you for coming, Mario," she finally spoke. "There's no need to bow."

Feeling sheepish againn, he quickly jolted back up to his original stature, proceeding to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Of course, your highness," he nervously jested.

Peach giggled again. "Oh, Mario. I already told you you don't have to be so formal." She paused for a moment as she let out a brief sigh before turning towards the stairs. "Come, Mario. The cake won't eat itself!"

Mario immediately lit up, snapping out of his stupor of sort, speed walking towards Peach who was already on the first couple steps, as the two walked up, ready for a sweet treat.

Before the two knew it, they were at the dining room, chowing down on the cake. Also, for anyone that really cared about what flavor the cake was, it was pink flavored. Hey, Peach's words, not mine.

Peach set down her fork and looked towards Mario. "I must thank you again for rescuing me, Mario. If I must be honest, I'm beginning to worry if cake isn't enough to show my gratitude."

Mario shook his head. "It's no trouble at all," he chimed. "I can't get enough of your cake, to be honest."

Peach giggled yet again, blushing a tiny bit. "Oh, Mario! You're too kind!" She paused as she turned away towards Mario for a brief moment, breathing a heavy sigh. "...Mario?"

Mario tilted his head to the side a bit. "Huh, what is it, Prin-" That's when Mario noticed Peach leaned in toward him, her head tilted as well, her eyes closed and her lips puckered a bit. Mario wa practically as red as his attire now. He was certainly used to her giving him a kiss on the cheek or nose, but with the was she was leaning up and the fact was barely even moving in much closer made it obvious to him what she was trying to do.

Time seemed to stand still as Mario assed the situation and gulped as he leaned in too, but before their lips could meet, a loud crash sounded, followed by a familiar, sinister voice making airplane noises. It was Bowser.

He bellowed his signature laugh. "Princess! I have come to kidnap you! Again!" Before Mario could even react, Bowser snatched Peach up, grabbing a handful of cake for himself, and flew back outside, crashing in the wall, creating another Bowser and Clown Car-shaped hole to the right of the one I forgot to mention earlier.

Mario just sat there in shock, trying to process what just happened. He slowly turned his face towards the two holes, then back to the chair where Peach had once sat. That's when it clicked. The status quo was god. He would never be able to kiss Peach on the lips. The gods of this cruel world would never allow him to. That's probably how he stayed 24 or so despite rescuing her for, like, what? 30+ years? He got down on his hands and knees, muttering something under his breath. With tears in his eyes, he raised his fists into the sky, shouting at the top of his lungs. "Curse you, Miyamoto! Curse you!"