A/N –My first story on fanfiction so please don't burn me just yet. It's all in Bella's POV but i may add a little other POV's. It's un-beta'd but I've read through and edited. The banner is on my profile but i'm looking for some one to make a proper banner for me. Please help. Thankye. Please read & Review.
Disclaimer –I do not own Twilight or any other recognizable items.
Chapter one – Tearing apart.
"And we're changing out ways,
Taking different roads,
Love, love will tear us apart again."
– Joy Division.
The passage of time is so warped nowadays.
My mind is a barrier, filtering information, keeping a tight hold on that single memory.
It's as if his leaving has constricted each part of my life; my heart hangs on to the pain like you'd hold on to your last breath before drowning ...
Drowning ...
Such a painless way to die, such an attractive way to go. Plunged beneath the cold depths, a smile on my lips, my last memories replaying before my eyes in a montage fashion.
I can easily imagine it.
Pressing my lips together, I swallowed my remaining breath. The burn, the want for oxygen, it was pleasant. I wanted more of this pain that was slowly clambering up my throat.
I eventually inhaled deeply, coughing, my natural instincts taking over. Depression washed over me with each breath.
It was something it'd become accustomed to since the incident in the forest. The longing and sadness .. it was nothing .. The depression i'd sunk into had eaten me up. I was a blank slate now. Tabula rassa .. but not so very innocent.
I brought my hand up to my face, waving it in front of my eyes which had once been a colour like chocolate, but now were a paper bag brown. Lifeless.
My skin was still ivory .. but more translucent than ever .. but what should I care about my appearance. Didn't matter much to me. Alice would give me a kick up the ass if she could hear me now ..
But she can't ..
None of them can ..
They're gone.
The hole in my chest felt like it tore a little more as I doubled over, scrunching up my eyes. They were moist but i'd cried enough for one day. My red rimmed eyes and emotionally tired body registered that.
I remained in that position, curled up in to my self in the middle on my unmade bed facing the bay window. The snow was falling, making my mood that much worse. Not much I could do to control the weather though.
There was too much time for thinking in a day.
Jeez ... my brain has to have some serious repetitive strain. But it seems to never get tired of replaying the time in the forest ... the time he left me.
Every detail stung more the second time I heard it, the truths sinking in like salt in to an open wound. I wanted to claw at my skin, to rip away this life .. or even to go back in time .. to convince him that he should stay.
But would he ...
I knew the answer in the back on my mind, caged in denial.
He wouldn't ... he didn't want me any more, he still would have left.
I growled slightly, the tears forming in my eyes once more. The perfection of him was burned beneath my eye lids.
How I longed for him.
My heart ached and I pushed in to the bed as the tears escaped, my broken sobs muffled by the duvets which were crushed in my palms.
I screamed in frustration, sitting up with a sudden jolt of energy. I guess my face was pretty messed up since I'd been stuffing my face face in to the sheets and crying.
Crying always lead to red, puffy eyes. Not the best of looks since the colour contrasted to heavily against my pale skin.
My eyes watched the white blobs fall endlessly from the sky.
A group of laughing smiling people walked along the road in the snow, obviously coming back from the forest. I ached slightly seeing them, wishing to be like that. But I didn't know how to smile or laugh anymore. It just never happened. I had no reason to laugh anymore and all smiles were forced. Never from my now broken heart.
I stared out of the window, biting my lower lip. I didn't move. I wanted to turn in to a statue, remain dead to the world and to myself forever.
But no such thing could happen.
I was still only human.
A sigh escaped my lips as I lay back on my bed, eyes blinking. Focus ... unfocus ... focus ... unfocus.
This was I'd resolved to do, to keep my sanity.
I couldn't read anymore, the words squiggled around the page and never stayed still. The TV was just noise and pictures, it meant nothing. Music was the worse. Music made me think of him ... I'd ripped the radio from my car, not standing to hear the music that blared from it's speakers. Even the sight of it made my heart ache and pump in an obscene way. It made me hope somewhat. But that hope was always crushed and that hurt more than anything.
Time was ticking by slowly as I remained in the same position just staring at the world I no longer felt a part of. I was like I was only living. There wasn't any reason I just ... was.
My eyes wandered to the digital clock on the bedside table, focusing on the glowing numbers that made up the face.
It was some what later than I thought it had been, the numbers reading half past five. I'd been alone with my thoughts since I'd woken up from my nightmares about seven o'clock this morning. Charlie'd already left for work. And he'd be back soon enough.
I had to pull my self together .. just a little bit, for my dad. He deserved that most indefinitely.
Biting my lip, I stood up off my bed, sighing, my petite body slumping as I gabbed a hair band from the bed side table and pulled my hair up in a loose ponytail. It kept it out of the way of my eyes.
I opened the door of my room, walking down the stairs slowly, clutching the banister as if I were about to topple down the stairs. I felt so unstable.
I hadn't really ventured down for the last couple of weeks, but nothing had changed. I'd eaten a little of the pizza and other junk Charlie had brought up. I'd really neglected him and the house.
The kitchen was surprisingly clean. Dad had obviously made an effort to clean it somewhat. He probably felt guilty about the state that it had slipped in to. The bin was pretty much bursting. I made a mental note to take out the garbage later.
There wasn't a whole lot in the fridge, or the cupboards. I'd have to write Charlie up a list and ask him to get some stuff. I really didn't feel like venturing out and about at all at the moment.
Didn't want to risk running in to anyone. I didn't feel like being asked a million questions or being started and pointed at.
I found a packet of pasta and some garlic and tomato sauce in the cupboard. No meat but I'd put in some of the last vegetables we had; a few onions; some peppers; mushrooms. My dad wouldn't complain, it'd still taste pretty good.
I prepared our simple dinner in silence, hating to be left along with my thoughts but finding the silence somewhat strangely peaceful. It was abnormal for me if I was honest.
The sound of boiling pasta was homey, a smile playing around my lips, but I couldn't bring my self to show it. No matter how much I tried to kid my self, nothing was going to change around here.
He was still gone and I was still alone.
The aching hole in my chest tugged reminding me of what I'd lost. I doubled over in pain a moment, my eyes pricking but stood slowly. Nothing was going to shake this pain. I have to live with it. My last reminder of him.
I tried to keep my mind blank as I laid the table, filling the glasses with water. No such luck. The painful war in my chest and my head waged on relentlessly.
Charlie came in just as I'd served up.
"Bella?"
The question in his voice just showed how long I'd been out of action for.
"In the kitchen dad." I answered his call, my voice husky and croaking from no use.
Incredulous. That was the very adjective to describe the look on my fathers face as he walked in to the kitchen and saw me, placing the plates down in their respective places.
"Well .. I .. it's nice to see you down Bells." He smiled slightly, before waving off what he said and sat in his chair, picking up his fork. "Smells great. Better than that take out crap."
I nodded, knowing it to be true and then sat down. I only eat a little, picking at the rest. I wasn't up for a full meal. I bet my stomach had shrunk a lot, I never ate much anyway.
Charlie finished his quickly, having two more helpings. I'd take note that this recipe was a hit with my dad. Kinda surprising. My dad liked meat ... and a lot of it. Where as I preferred a simpler fare. Not that I ate much nowadays.
"Ahh .." Charlie relaxed back in to his chair, smiling, eyes closed. "That was awesome Bells." He looked at me and I forced a smile to placate him.
"Thanks Dad. I'll wash up." I hadn't anything better to do. All my homework was done with extra attention to each detail. I'd had so much time now my life had crumbled.
Charlie nodded, not saying anything but smiled, stood, grabbed a vitamin R and walked through to the living room. I hear the blaring of the game minutes later. It was a replay, but my dad would happily watch it, getting way to in to it.
The water was warm running over my fingers as I began washing the dishes, the pans soaking. I used to hum to my self whilst I did this, I found it almost enjoyable. Now there was no music in my head. Everything was mute or just .. noise. It was another task on my list as I hoped I could try and get through the day unscathed.
My teetering mental state was enough of a worry already.
I put the dishes on the draining board to dry and wandered aimlessly in to the living room, staring at the TV screen for a while. My dad was calling my name for a good ten minutes apparently.
"Bells?"
"Huh ... uh .. sorry, yeah?"
"I was just gunna say that tomorrow afternoon I've invited some of the guys from the rez down to watch the game. Is that cool ?"
Biting my lip hard, I pulled out a smile and nodded my head. It would be good for Charlie, I've been keeping him in lately. I told him I'd make lunch and some snacks for them, he'd eaten far too much fast food recently.
"I'm going to head up to bed."
It was getting pretty late and now was as good a time as any. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts but I was going to have to. I'd left it as late as I could.
"Hmm kay. Try to get some sleep. Night Bells."
My dad smiled softly at me. I knew he loved and cared for me. It was obvious even if we didn't display it much. I was thankful for Charlie, I really was.
The stairs were dark and ominous, like a walk way in to a nightmare. Well, honestly that was what I was heading for. I sighed, biting my lip, the rip in my chest opening and hurting with each step as I became more and more alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with my memories.
My bedroom was cold as I flicked my light switch up and changed. It brought my pale skin out in goosebumps as I pulled on the thick pajama's I'd brought my self. Winter was hitting us hard this year.
Clambering in to my bed was a relief, the thick down covering me and warming me as I snuggled down under neath. It was warm, like a nest. I felt safe ... but I could feel the dark shadows creeping up on me.
As soon as I closed my eyes, the memories would haunt me.
I was frightened of what I would dream, but I knew what it would entail. It was always the same thing, and i couldn't do anything to stop it.
I could only wait it out and hurt.
It was part of the price I have to pay for even daring to hope that it might work between us.
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